18Years2Late Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Now Bailey: whether u realize it or not...you've just been handed your epiphany #2... YOU ARE ENABLING HIM TO STAY IN AN UNFULFILLING MARRIAGE!!! and as long as u do that HE HAS NO REASON TO LEAVE...or...WORK ON THE (HIS) ISSUES THAT CAUSED HIM TO STRAY...and...if by some small chance you get your man...you get the whole package...UNRESOLVED ISSUES AND ALL...would u like a green or red bow on that package???... Read East7 recent thread on that...I don't know how to insert links... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 it ticks me off that he is using you to fill the void in his marriage/life, and you're the one suffering from guilt and not him. he then hides behind his religion so he doesn't have to make any real changes ( he is catholic so he won't divorce, but committing adultery is okay)? never mind what all this is doing to you, as long as he is okay. about you pursuing him...while i can't say i think that was okay or the right thing to do, he's the one who is married. HE could have said "no" to you. But he didn't where were his religious values then? I'm not trying to demonize him or anything. we all make mistakes or can be weak...we all deserve forgiveness and kindness ( i forgave my husband for cheating and we are still together), but this guy could have said "no" to you,but he didn't. don't him put that on you. you are responsible for your decisions and he is responsible for his. i don't know that i'd advise you to tell his wife...that is a decision only you can make for yourself. there are both good and bad sides to it. but i will tell you one thing...if his wife finds out and divorces him ( that may or may not be the ultimate outcome if she finds out) that is not on you, that is on him. again, unless he was in a really vulnerable place in his life, and even then ( and you don't seem like the "predatory type " to me at all), he could have said "no" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 it ticks me off that he is using you to fill the void in his marriage/life, and you're the one suffering from guilt and not him. he then hides behind his religion so he doesn't have to make any real changes ( he is catholic so he won't divorce, but committing adultery is okay)? never mind what all this is doing to you, as long as he is okay. about you pursuing him...while i can't say i think that was okay or the right thing to do, he's the one who is married. HE could have said "no" to you. But he didn't where were his religious values then? I'm not trying to demonize him or anything. we all make mistakes or can be weak...we all deserve forgiveness and kindness ( i forgave my husband for cheating and we are still together), but this guy could have said "no" to you,but he didn't. don't him put that on you. you are responsible for your decisions and he is responsible for his. i don't know that i'd advise you to tell his wife...that is a decision only you can make for yourself. there are both good and bad sides to it. but i will tell you one thing...if his wife finds out and divorces him ( that may or may not be the ultimate outcome if she finds out) that is not on you, that is on him. again, unless he was in a really vulnerable place in his life, and even then ( and you don't seem like the "predatory type " to me at all), he could have said "no" In his defense (as if he deserves any but stay with me) he has no idea how she is suffering... Bailey, tell him!!! For goodness sakes...if he doesn't know how can he b expected to react...then watch his reaction...if his "ILY's" r real...if he's not as selfish as we think...he will let u go until he can fully give u what u deserve...and if he never comes back...count your blessings...you could be his W right now... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 In honoring YOU, him and his M - you can CHOOSe to end it! YOU have the choice - it is yours to do the right thing.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 In honoring YOU, him and his M - you can CHOOSe to end it! YOU have the choice - it is yours to do the right thing.. How do I honor his marriage when he doesn't??? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 One other thing I forgot to mention.......he told her he would find what he needed elsewhere and she told him if he ever strayed she would divorce him. There's his "out of the marriage" right there if he truly wanted to be with you. It certainly isn't because of his Catholic faith or he wouldn't blatantly break a commandment. I think you have made it easy for him and he has the best of both worlds. Why haven't you asked him why he doesn't divorce his wife and the two of you be together? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 How do I honor his marriage when he doesn't??? By honoring yourself and accepting more than playing the role of his mistress. Deciding that you will not be a party in the destruction of his marriage. Deciding that you are worth more and deserving of more than that role. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 There's his "out of the marriage" right there if he truly wanted to be with you. It certainly isn't because of his Catholic faith or he wouldn't blatantly break a commandment. I think you have made it easy for him and he has the best of both worlds. Why haven't you asked him why he doesn't divorce his wife and the two of you be together? Good question!! I think I'll ask him next time we talk. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Good question!! I think I'll ask him next time we talk. And then tell him that you're thinking of calling his wife and speaking to her, to find out why she won't let go of a man who apparently doesn't love her and wants to divorce. See what his reaction is. Seriously, I'm not being a smart ass about this, his reaction will be very telling.. Will he be calm or freak out, quickly distance himself from you in a matter of days, or will he be OK with you talking to her. I mean if their marriage is over and he seems to make it seem like she knows already then it shouldn't be a big deal for you to talk to her, right? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 By honoring yourself and accepting more than playing the role of his mistress. Deciding that you will not be a party in the destruction of his marriage. Deciding that you are worth more and deserving of more than that role. This! By ending it! Tht is way to honor self, him and the so called marriage. That way no one has guilt anymore right? Right! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 How do I honor his marriage when he doesn't??? How? By placing more respect toward his wife and family than he has. How? By placing boundaries around areas you won't go. How? By saying to yourself that the part you are playing in the "assassination"(yes I know...a bit over dramatic)of her life, you will know no longer play. How? By walking away. How? By calling him on his crap and not accepting a passive role in the outcome because you have already embraced an active role in the affair (don't play both sides of the coin). How? Take your pick. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 I get that some of you are disgusted by my involvement with a MM but, please be a little careful with me. I truly am trying to find the path to doing the right thing.......I left another forum because I felt judged.......please, help me, don't judge me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 Bailey, I don't think anyone has posted about being disgusted with you, yes sunny is quite tough but she isn't being cruel. She is really trying to be helpful. Also......she pissed me off once long ago too, but it was because it was the truth and I wasn't exactly liking hearing it at that time. lol Anyway.....you don't have to agree with every post, you find what is useful to you. One might not be now, but it can be later. by the way.......I'm a fow and yes others, including bs's post here but here you get a balanced view and balanced input, so don't run away because some tough stuff was posted. If someone does cross a line, then you can report it to a mod but that doesn't happen often so I hope you will hang out with us. We all have something to contribute or something to learn or both. Thank you, LadyGrey, I am just feeling very fragile right now. Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I get that some of you are disgusted by my involvement with a MM but, please be a little careful with me. I truly am trying to find the path to doing the right thing.......I left another forum because I felt judged.......please, help me, don't judge me. The somewhat "harsh" post from fBS's r a gift to you...a gift of realization of what the other side of the triangle feels like...it may help u with that little push u need to do the right thing for EVERYONE...no one who as posted in this thread so far has been purposely mean to you...everyone has there own way of giving advice...and sometimes that's their way..."harsh" sometimes gets your attention right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 The somewhat "harsh" post from fBS's r a gift to you...a gift of realization of what the other side of the triangle feels like...it may help u with that little push u need to do the right thing for EVERYONE...no one who as posted in this thread so far has been purposely mean to you...everyone has there own way of giving advice...and sometimes that's their way..."harsh" sometimes gets your attention right? You are right, 18! I will try to listen to the message rather than the delivery. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I get that some of you are disgusted by my involvement with a MM but, please be a little careful with me. I truly am trying to find the path to doing the right thing.......I left another forum because I felt judged.......please, help me, don't judge me. Hi Bailey. OK, I read the entire thread and I have some words for you. And I'm kinda blunt - but I am on your side. Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like some cheap, tawdry two-bit whore? Oh, I can imagine your face at that. IF you've made it this far (bad sign only 4 sentences in...even for me) I hope you will read my underpinnings for it. And I'll get there with a question. What void do you satisfy in him? Is he missing love? No, you already said he loves wife. Is his missing respect? No, he fears losing that if YOU become known to all (so he must have it in his mind in order to fear losing it). Is he missing money/wealth? No, I get the sense he doesn't shower you in gifts - and you aren't looking for those anyways. Lastly, is he getting laid at home? Well of course not, they're just friends right? (if he loves her, he's banging her I promise) So of those basic (and yes I generalized to an extent) needs you fulfill exactly one. Sex. All other needs are met at home with his W and family and the illusion they put forth to others. What he misses is that great, hidden, taboo, infatuation-laden ****ing. Which you so thoughtfully provide. Don't you deserve more? Don't you deserve more than waving goodbye as he drives home to the W he loves, the respect he enjoys and the kids he adores (and vice-versa)? Stop allowing yourself to be so debased, dehumanized and used. IS this what you want? The occasional rut and ego boost you provide him? Doesn't sound like it or you wouldn't be here - if its what you wanted you be happy taking what you can get. You aren't happy though. Yet you are in a prison of your own creation, gripped by fear -afraid to stay and scared to leave. Conjuring excuses to stay while wanting to leave. At least, you say to yourself, when he's here I'm not alone. Bullshyte. You're alone then too - you're just being used and frankly it pisses me off to see it. I don't care how good the sex is. I don't care how good the companionship seems (its an illusion). He's using YOU to fulfill his own selfish needs. Answer this: what do you want from him to be happy? I think you want that ring, to have him full time, as your H. You won't get it though. He loves his W. And if you press, he'll say that again in his dump-your-butt speech - some variant of "I told you upfront, you knew this was just physical" bullshyte. And, I forget who said it first, he IS using religion. He's beating you with it when it suits HIM. Too catholic to get D but not enough to stay faithful. He's gonna have to point out the part of the Bible which reads "totally bang your "friend" when it suits you even happily married". What a crock of shyte. He has prepped you with TWO excuses as to why "he can't leave" - loves his W, and against his religion (seriously, wtf). Here's another question for you: what are you afraid of? What keeps you cemented in place? He WON'T change. Why should he? HE loves his W HE has community respect. HE has adoring kids. HE has you on the side. Uh, sounds like a pretty setup to me...where do I apply - heck, I want that! So...change is gonna have to come from YOU. And yup, its scary. Always is. Always will be. Also necessary. I asked above...what do YOU want? Answer, to be happy (which you may incorrectly think IS him). Likely what you want is TRUE love and companionship and all that goes with it. Is that something HE is prepared to offer you? I think you know what to do. I think you have known for quite awhile. Time to act. Its YOUR life and YOUR choice. Oh, one other thing. Don't come on the internet asking to not be judged. Everyone judges. Especially given this topic. What you really meant to say is: I know what i am doing is wrong so don't remind me (and isn't THAT rather telling, no?) Hope it helps. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I'm sorry if it hurts you for me being honest... I just have a hard time watching some folks "settle" for less than they deserve. Yes, you deserve an available man to make you his top priority! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 I'm sorry if it hurts you for me being honest... I just have a hard time watching some folks "settle" for less than they deserve. Yes, you deserve an available man to make you his top priority! No need to apologize for anything.....I am beginning to understand that you all really do care about the dignity of the people who post on this forum. Thank you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Hi Bailey!!!!! Listen to me... I WAS the OW for a long time...and ya know what I GOT SICK OF IT!! Yes I was supposedly "IN LOVE" couldn't live without him bull crap, but now that I AM NOT in the situation anymore...(I stopped it) I couldn't stand his lying to his W and to me. If he can lie to her he will lie to you! You will feel so much better with time to heal. MM are in it for themselves and their SELFISH ways. I never thought xmm was selfish but as time went on his narcissistic ways came through. And his selfishness was all too much for me to bare. Yes I was told the same old of I can't hurt my kids, I don't want to give up half of WHAT I worked for, I have an obligation to my family...but you are out screwing another woman? I just don't get that one. He is not an authentic person by no means. He was in it to fill the void in his marriage. I had asked him a million times to go to MC with his w, but he always said it will never work..How do you know...you never tried! If you are going to stay M then make it real. Don't just go through the motions. I feel sorry for his W and now have sided with her. (yeah ain't that something) I would NEVER want to be with him full time. Now in my book he is a joke! As time goes on you will see that MM who are in LTA are just using OW to get what they want! And believe me I have been through all the emotions, had to go on anti-depressants....and so on. But where was he, lying, lying, lying...Oh yes I had a part in it to...BUT I GOT OUT AND NEVER WILL LOOK BACK. NC is the best way to go. I hope in time his W does find out what he has been doing. Not that the p...y would ever tell her, but all things come out in the wash someday! And I don't think I should be the one to tell her, don't think I could, but HE SHOULD. Tell her what he wants in his marriage, and she should tell him what she wants. His W deserves SO MUCH MORE, and it is not him. And to all of the BS on here, I get where you are coming from. But the OW is not the only one in the R...The WS should be beat with a stick. Jus sayin' Bailey, I hope this helps you. Be strong! I know you can do it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 In his defense (as if he deserves any but stay with me) he has no idea how she is suffering... Bailey, tell him!!! For goodness sakes...if he doesn't know how can he b expected to react...then watch his reaction...if his "ILY's" r real...if he's not as selfish as we think...he will let u go until he can fully give u what u deserve...and if he never comes back...count your blessings...you could be his W right now... this is excellent advice... I know it may be really hard to do it, but at least you will have taken a stand and let him know you are hurting. If he loves you, he will not want to see you in pain, and, if there is real love there, he will do what it takes to be with you and see that you are happy If he can't ( or won't) give you what you need to be happy and feel loved, then I'd really question his feelings. This isn't to say he doesn't care for you, but it would certainly lend credence to the idea that he loves himself more. i know we don't know him and don't see all the good qualities I'm sure he has, but are these enough to sustain you ? are you putting up with things in this relationship or feelings of guilt that make you really unhappy? Why would he put you through that or want you to stay in a relationship that really has no future? You deserve so much more than that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 No need to apologize for anything.....I am beginning to understand that you all really do care about the dignity of the people who post on this forum. Thank you. you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 Frozen sprouts, thank you for the time you take to share your thoughts with me. I truly do not understand your capacity for compassion but, I appreciate it more than you will ever know. And I was touched by your comment regarding his good qualities. He has many. I intend to tell him how deeply this relationship is hurting me. I just cannot hide it from him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 Lostinlife, thank you. Your words ring true. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 How do I honor his marriage when he doesn't??? No need to worry about him at this point - he only looks out for himself. That's enough to understand that he's NOT looking out for YOU. It's up to YOU to look after YOU and YOUR best interst now. He's so self absorbed - he's a MM that's not even looking out for his wife! What makes you think he's gonna look out for you when he doesn't even look out for HER best interest? It's up to YOU to look out for YOU! There's no need to wait - just call and deliver a solid message - " I finished allowing YOU to use ME" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 It has become apparent to me that I am not ready to go NC yet. He texted me on Tuesday night and I responded, he texted me yesterday and I responded, and I know he is going to call me today and I will answer. For those of you who have gone NC.......what precipitated the decision to end it all??? Link to post Share on other sites
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