Author Bailey14 Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 You are absolutely right about teaching people how to treat you.....I am a woman in a male-dominated profession and I am perceived as a real ball buster. No one treats me with anything but respect. Somehow I have to bring that sense of power to this situation. You inspire me, sprouts!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 You are absolutely right about teaching people how to treat you.....I am a woman in a male-dominated profession and I am perceived as a real ball buster. No one treats me with anything but respect. Somehow I have to bring that sense of power to this situation. You inspire me, sprouts!!! exactly! it sounds like you are beginning to find your sense of power here...I am so happy for you I could tell you over and over that you sound like the kind of woman any guy would be proud to call his own, and be willing to give the world to...but you have to believe that too. Are you planning on doing anything this weekend? Why not do some things just for yourself that make you feel happy...treat yourself to some time at the spa a hobby you like, a nice night out with some girl friends...do something wild and crazy with them and have a wonderful time...enjoy yourself and take some time to find yourself again have a great weekend! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 When are you planning to tell him that it hurts you to see him? Being honest with him will help YOU to take some of YOUR power back... The power that you've been handing to him that helps him feel better and you feel worse. Getting things back into balance will allow you to make room for a new man that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated...as long as you choose wisely and never settle again! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 When are you planning to tell him that it hurts you to see him? Being honest with him will help YOU to take some of YOUR power back... The power that you've been handing to him that helps him feel better and you feel worse. Getting things back into balance will allow you to make room for a new man that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated...as long as you choose wisely and never settle again! excellent advice! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 Thank you all the caring support you have given me, sprouts and sunny. I feel so much stronger today than I felt on the first day I posted. I will keep you informed! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Thank you all the caring support you have given me, sprouts and sunny. I feel so much stronger today than I felt on the first day I posted. I will keep you informed! Good girl! Now, when you take action on this YOU will start feeling even more empowered. Here's to empowering women!!! ;-) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 God, I hate it when smart people make me think!!! So many thoughts are spinning around in my head. Ok, let me see if I can unpack the issue of why I don't expect much from the men in my life. I was sexually abused by my father from the time I was 8 until I was 16. My ex-husband screwed around on me before and after we married. The next man in my life beat me on a regular basis and the one before MM was emotionally abusive. In a nutshell, no matter how much is wrong with my relationship with MM, it is the best one I have had so far. Sad, huh???? Wow...thats some really tough stuff you have experienced in your life. It's great that you have such a positive attitude! I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to experience such abuse. You sound like a strong woman, so if you survived all that, then you can get through this too. Maybe one thing that might help is to realize that while your mm might be nice to you, in essense he is perpetuating the abuses you suffered, but just in a different way. In my situation, I didn't have the greatest of relationships, but my MM's actions toward me were worse than my previous relationships when it came to emotional availability. I was never tossed crumbs until I met him and that made me re-evaluate what the heck I was doing. He was the "grand puhbah" of emotional unavailability. Again though, I cannot imagine how tough things must have been for you with what you experienced. It's great that you are in therapy and figuring it all out! You sound very strong...keep up the great work! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 But it does make sense - because the meaning she assigned to a man as a child - is that he will hurt/harm her. So the pattern was set early to choose men for that familiar role, hence the MM. She does deserve better - but her familiar picker refuses to choose healthy = because that is unfamiliar to her. Picking what she IS familiar with (unhealthy) is comfortable - mainly because she's used to a man hurting her... So that's her sense of "normal". IF she can break that pattern - she could be on the road to freedom - freedom from the lies she learned as a child. You don't HAVE to believe those lies anymore... Hey aren't tue - you do deserve to be honored and cherished and safe. You can have a voice and speak your truth. When you get the courage and strength - it will make you feel better about yourself to tell his MM that you deserve a man to honor and cherish you - one who is available on every level! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 bailey, hope your day is going well... i am so glad to hear that you are starting to feel stronger. That's so wonderful:)...and I'm glad that something I have said has helped you...if you feel that strength beginning to falter, don't give up...post on here and we'll help you find your strength again is there anyone "in real life" why you can talk to along with posting on here? Sometimes it helps to have someone ( good trusted friend, counselor, etc.) to talk to face to face. Hope you take some time this weekend to do something nice just for YOU...you deserve it have a great weekend! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 Yes, I have wonderful friends I can talk to but, they hate him...... for different reasons......one of my friends is Catholic and she hates him because he is a hypocrite, one is married and she hates him because he is a cheat, and the third hates him just on general principles!!!! That is why I have chosen to see a therapist. Today I had to work but, tomorrow I am spending the day with another good friend. We are going to spend the afternoon in a salt cave. It is supposed to be really good for the body and soul. Have a wonderful weekend and, again, thank you for your support. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Yes, I have wonderful friends I can talk to but, they hate him...... for different reasons......one of my friends is Catholic and she hates him because he is a hypocrite, one is married and she hates him because he is a cheat, and the third hates him just on general principles!!!! That is why I have chosen to see a therapist. Today I had to work but, tomorrow I am spending the day with another good friend. We are going to spend the afternoon in a salt cave. It is supposed to be really good for the body and soul. Have a wonderful weekend and, again, thank you for your support. I didn't like the guy that my best friend had an A with either. It was hard for me to talk to her about it and so I eventually asked her to stop talking to it. Good for you about seeing a therapist. That being said, your friends ARE right. They hate him because they don't want to see you hurt and they feel like he will..which of course he already has. So give your friends the benefit of the doubt sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 Oh, I completely understand why they hate him.......and I love them all for the loyalty they show towards me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Oh, I completely understand why they hate him.......and I love them all for the loyalty they show towards me. Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 I am so happy to have found this forum.......you women are AMAZING!!! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Oh, I completely understand why they hate him.......and I love them all for the loyalty they show towards me. I wish YOU could love YOURSELF as much as your friends do - and find it in you to realize that you deserve more than the little bit he offers - and you accept. Really - you COULD have a man that spends time courting you, honoring you and a man you can trust - but HE just isn't THAt guy! He's the guy that takes care of his wife when she is sick and eats dinner with her at night, attends Mass with her and has sex with - sleeps next to her all the while knowing he is betraying her every day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sad puppy Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Bailey, girl, you are sounding better! I have been NC since Jan 1. It is hard, you feel sad, then you feel better, then you feel angry, then you feel stronger, then you are missing them, then you are pissed off, .... This is the way it is, although it will subside. But I can assure you, once you begin your NC, you will see a little more clearly, you will feel a little bit better as each day goes on. Then, you do reach a point where you just wouldn't break the NC unless THEY WERE DIVORCED!! Just like in the Shawshank move - "get busy living or get busy dying". You sound like a great girl, I am 51, never married but also want a partner. And I am just not gonna hang around in an affair any longer - it was 21 months before I cut it off. So ----- cheers! Just let it all go, breath in and out, surrender it all, ... You deserve so much more, you know that. Having the affair makes it easier for him to stay in the marriage. Tell him to take a hike, really! If they can't bear to tear themselves away, then let them stay in their marriage. They either get the message and work on getting out or they stay, and rot, and cheat again. Cheers, happy you are sounding better!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 One of my all-time favorite movies.......getting busy living or get busy dying. I love it!! Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 Yes, I have wonderful friends I can talk to but, they hate him...... for different reasons......one of my friends is Catholic and she hates him because he is a hypocrite, one is married and she hates him because he is a cheat, and the third hates him just on general principles!!!! That is why I have chosen to see a therapist. Today I had to work but, tomorrow I am spending the day with another good friend. We are going to spend the afternoon in a salt cave. It is supposed to be really good for the body and soul. Have a wonderful weekend and, again, thank you for your support. glad you are having a good weekend, and that you have found a therapist that you can talk to...it can be really helpful to have that. It sounds like you have some good friends who love you and want you to be happy and not get hurt. that is so great. It speaks volumes about the type of person you are. Keep going strong, one foot on front of the other, head held high, knowing that you deserve the best in life...now go out there and get it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 26, 2012 Author Share Posted February 26, 2012 Sprouts, you make me smile.....thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 When would you expect to see him next? How often does he tend to contact you? Can you consider not taking his next call or not responding if he emails? Can you consider taking that next step for YOU - and YOUR best interest/well being? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl2 Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 I had 3 or 4 really good friends who knew about xMM. They all had differing degrees of dislike for him In the end, they refused to talk about him. They just patiently waited until the A was over and now they are back in my world. They have since told me how very concerned they were for me. God, they must have thought I had gone insane... I pretty much had, I guess. Friends really care but they probably aren't equipped to help you as much as a counsellor could. I do wish you well. Most of us here have been where you are and do remember very well how difficult it is to come to terms with the A dynamic. I still haven't but muc better than a year ago. GG Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Share Posted March 1, 2012 Had a FABULOUS therapy session yesterday. I am going to be OK!!! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Had a FABULOUS therapy session yesterday. I am going to be OK!!! It may be useful to understand what your progress was with your counselor... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Share Posted March 1, 2012 I am confident that she is going to help me find the strength to end this dead end relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 I am confident that she is going to help me find the strength to end this dead end relationship. Honey - you have that ability yourself! Look within... It's not going to be up to her - it's ALWAYS going to be up to you. You COULD do that right now!!!! And you should! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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