Author Bailey14 Posted March 3, 2012 Author Share Posted March 3, 2012 Funny you should mention yoga.....it is on my list of things to do. Thank you! And thank you for reminding me that I have found a whole new support system here. As I have said before, you women are AMAZING!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 Sprouts, I don't know what you do for a living but, you really should think about becoming a life coach. I appreciate your compassion and understanding. And, yes, I do have a very strong support system and they will be here for me when the end comes. excellent. it sounds like you have a some very good friends, which, like i have said, speaks volumes about you. There is something worthwhile in you that draws them to you...good friends who will be there for you when you need them Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl2 Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 Bailey I do believe you are getting ready to end the relationship... otherwise you wouldn't be here. YOu are the only one who will know when that times is right. YOu know it iwll be difficult and you know it will hurt you for a long time. YOu are also putting support into place for yourself. You are one very smart lady and you are a survivor. Everybody here will be supporting you when you finally decide. GG Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted March 4, 2012 Author Share Posted March 4, 2012 GG, I appreciate your support, insight, and kind words. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 And if you are only seeing him a few times a year or every once in a while - just think... You COULD make room for a man that would participate in your life by BEING with you - when YOU want him to! Woo Hoo! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted March 4, 2012 Author Share Posted March 4, 2012 2Sunny......WooHoo!!? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted March 4, 2012 Author Share Posted March 4, 2012 2Sunny......I did not mean to put a question mark up there........I meant to say WooHoo!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 I would really like to understand what the beauty is when you can't count on him and you don't see him hardly ever? Does he call every day? What is it that makes you believe the illusion that he makes an effort? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted March 5, 2012 Author Share Posted March 5, 2012 Your question reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Steel Magnolias......Shelby says to her Mother "I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." The little bit of time we spend together is so much fun. How often does he reach out to me? We never go more than 2 days without contact. He calls and texts me. If we lived closer together we would see each other more often but, we live 2 hours apart and both of us have very demanding jobs. I know it is difficult to understand this relationship but, there is nothing I do during the course of a month that gives me more pleasure than being with him.......even for 4-5 hours. It would be so much easier to end this if it weren't such a joyful time. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 Your question reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Steel Magnolias......Shelby says to her Mother "I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." The little bit of time we spend together is so much fun. How often does he reach out to me? We never go more than 2 days without contact. He calls and texts me. If we lived closer together we would see each other more often but, we live 2 hours apart and both of us have very demanding jobs. I know it is difficult to understand this relationship but, there is nothing I do during the course of a month that gives me more pleasure than being with him.......even for 4-5 hours. It would be so much easier to end this if it weren't such a joyful time. As long as you limit yourself - that is all you're gonna get. You deserve better! I do believe though - that deep inside - you must want/know that you do deserve better - otherwise you wouldn't have posted here... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted March 5, 2012 Author Share Posted March 5, 2012 You are absolutely right, 2Sunny. And, sadly, I still hold onto the fantasy that one day he will leave his marriage.......and please do not excoriate me!! I know he won't......that is why it is called a fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 You are absolutely right, 2Sunny. And, sadly, I still hold onto the fantasy that one day he will leave his marriage.......and please do not excoriate me!! I know he won't......that is why it is called a fantasy. Oh... So you DO want him to be with you full time? I'm not gonna blast you... Just want what's best for you. You are the only one to decide what's best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted March 5, 2012 Author Share Posted March 5, 2012 2Sunny, it is not unusual for we humans to want what we can't have. Do I want him with me full-time? Yes, because I can't have him. If I could, would I still want him? Don't know. There are a lot of things I do not like about him......he is an intellectual snob and he is stingy beyond description. The beauty of our relationship is that he knows I consider him to be a snob and stingy and he finds my candor charming. If he were to suddenly be free??? I have no idea what I would want.......there is little point in thinking about it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 2Sunny, it is not unusual for we humans to want what we can't have. Do I want him with me full-time? Yes, because I can't have him. If I could, would I still want him? Don't know. There are a lot of things I do not like about him......he is an intellectual snob and he is stingy beyond description. The beauty of our relationship is that he knows I consider him to be a snob and stingy and he finds my candor charming. If he were to suddenly be free??? I have no idea what I would want.......there is little point in thinking about it. Ok... All the more reason to pay attention when he interacts. What does that look like? How much effort is he putting into YOU? How much of what he says/types is all about him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted March 5, 2012 Author Share Posted March 5, 2012 Interesting question.....actually, our phone conversations are usually about him asking me how I am. I recently had a scare with my dog and each day he texted me and called me asking how my baby was. He prefers to talk about me most of the time. He probably encourages me to talk because he enjoys the sound of my voice......I have been told by many people that I have a great voice so I tend to believe him. And most of his texts are him telling me how much he misses me or asking if I had a productive day at work. How much effort does he put into me?? He drives two hours in either direction to see me. It is not a matter of convenience, that's for sure. It is an incredibly annoying trip......I do not want to mention the cities but, suffice it to say that the trip is one very long parking lot. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 Interesting question.....actually, our phone conversations are usually about him asking me how I am. I recently had a scare with my dog and each day he texted me and called me asking how my baby was. He prefers to talk about me most of the time. He probably encourages me to talk because he enjoys the sound of my voice......I have been told by many people that I have a great voice so I tend to believe him. And most of his texts are him telling me how much he misses me or asking if I had a productive day at work. How much effort does he put into me?? He drives two hours in either direction to see me. It is not a matter of convenience, that's for sure. It is an incredibly annoying trip......I do not want to mention the cities but, suffice it to say that the trip is one very long parking lot. And where does he tell his wife he is when he comes to visit you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted March 5, 2012 Author Share Posted March 5, 2012 I don't ask.....can't stand the idea of asking him to repeat his lies. 2Sunny, one thing I need to say that I don't think I have ever said. He knows what we are doing is wrong and I know what we are doing is wrong......the truth of the matter is as much as we realize it's wrong, the time we spend together is so sweet that we just can't bring ourselves to stop it. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 I don't ask.....can't stand the idea of asking him to repeat his lies. 2Sunny, one thing I need to say that I don't think I have ever said. He knows what we are doing is wrong and I know what we are doing is wrong......the truth of the matter is as much as we realize it's wrong, the time we spend together is so sweet that we just can't bring ourselves to stop it. I know that the comparison between affairs and addictions may seem overused, but your post sounds so much like what an addict would say... "I know it's wrong and bad for me, but when I'm gambling/ using/ drinking/ whatever, it feels so good that it almost makes up for the bad parts. But when the gambling/high/intoxication/whatever is over, the sadness and pain creeps in " Does that sound like the way you feel? It also sounds like you are weighing the good against the bed, which is a good thing to do. That way, if you decide to end things, you'll know you'll be ready. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 I know that the comparison between affairs and addictions may seem overused, but your post sounds so much like what an addict would say... "I know it's wrong and bad for me, but when I'm gambling/ using/ drinking/ whatever, it feels so good that it almost makes up for the bad parts. But when the gambling/high/intoxication/whatever is over, the sadness and pain creeps in " Does that sound like the way you feel? It also sounds like you are weighing the good against the bed, which is a good thing to do. That way, if you decide to end things, you'll know you'll be ready. I'm curious about this too. Maybe it is like addiction. When I was an OW, I didn't feel bad because I didn't think it was wrong. As bad as it sounds, I was selfish and emotionally stunted and just didn't care about others that much. I never thought about the BW and how she might feel or what it might feel like for the MM to be lying at home. When I do feel my behavior is wrong, it makes me feel bad, so that I couldn't imagine feeling like that over an extended time. It would definitely erode my self-confidence to be continuing to feel like I was doing something wrong and then just keep doing it. However, if one is addicted and can't find the willpower to stop, I can understand that. Sounds like an awful way to live though. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 Guilt or shame CAN be useful IF it allows one to see that it's harmful to self or others - and IF a decision is made to stop participating in what causes that harm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Share Posted March 6, 2012 Sprouts, no question it's an addiction......but, Helen Fisher, a well-known neuropsychologist, says that love and addictions occupy the same area of the brain. She says it is not unusual for love to cause the afflicted to behave like an addict. Woinlove, I was once a BS so my perspective is not just of the other woman's, however, when I said I know the relationship is wrong I did not mean to imply that I feel bad all the time. You can know something is not good for you without feeling bad. I know I felt like a million bucks the last time I ate cheesecake!!! 2Sunny, funny you should mention the issue of curtailing participation in that which does harm.....spent my therapy session today discussing exactly that!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 Sprouts, no question it's an addiction......but, Helen Fisher, a well-known neuropsychologist, says that love and addictions occupy the same area of the brain. She says it is not unusual for love to cause the afflicted to behave like an addict. Woinlove, I was once a BS so my perspective is not just of the other woman's, however, when I said I know the relationship is wrong I did not mean to imply that I feel bad all the time. You can know something is not good for you without feeling bad. I know I felt like a million bucks the last time I ate cheesecake!!! 2Sunny, funny you should mention the issue of curtailing participation in that which does harm.....spent my therapy session today discussing exactly that!! Thanks for the further explanation, but can't say I understand. I don't see the analogy to cheesecake, unless you mean perhaps eating 10 pieces a day, month after month -- then I could see how that could make one feel bad and be like an addiction. Surely your own values and how you treat yourself and others are things that really matter (unlike a slice of cheesecake) and, consequently, have the potential to make you feel really bad if you think you are in the wrong. After all, is there anything more important? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Share Posted March 6, 2012 Woinlove, one of the issues I am dealing with in therapy is the issue of the ambivalence I am experiencing. While I know an EMR is wrong, in theory, in reality that realization is not enough to cause me to end the relationship. That is a terrible struggle for me. I have a very strong sense of right vs. wrong but, in this situation I am conflicted. If I were married, I would NEVER be involved in an EMR but, I am not the one in this relationship who took vows. I am not cheating.....he is but, that is what really torments me. I am a participant in HIS cheating and it drives me crazy. The devil on my shoulder, though, tells me if he can deal with it, why should it bother me??? Rest assured, though it does!! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 IF you approach it from his wife's perspective - you may be a bit more prone to seeing the harm done. Since you do distract him from HIS reality - there's no way he's giving HER 100%... Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 Woinlove, one of the issues I am dealing with in therapy is the issue of the ambivalence I am experiencing. While I know an EMR is wrong, in theory, in reality that realization is not enough to cause me to end the relationship. That is a terrible struggle for me. I have a very strong sense of right vs. wrong but, in this situation I am conflicted. If I were married, I would NEVER be involved in an EMR but, I am not the one in this relationship who took vows. I am not cheating.....he is but, that is what really torments me. I am a participant in HIS cheating and it drives me crazy. The devil on my shoulder, though, tells me if he can deal with it, why should it bother me??? Rest assured, though it does!! You would NEVER be involved in an EMR if you were married because you think it is wrong -- presumably you think the lying/deception/betrayal is wrong. You might try to analyze what that really makes you think about MM. I've never cheated either. Looking back, I see more clearly how poorly MM was behaving and I find it sad that I contributed to that bad behavior by participating and going along with it, knowing he was lying. At one time, I saw something positive in him and so it is sad that rather than bringing out the best in him, I encouraged bad behavior in him by having a secret R with him. When you are in the midst of it, the positive feelings you get when you are together and can shut the world out (or at least the parts that are troublesome to your A) seem to compensate for the bigger picture of what the deception says about him and whether you want to be the one encouraging him in that. Link to post Share on other sites
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