Author Bailey14 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 Been burned......he had no idea what kind of abuse I was suffering in high school. It was only recently that I told him what I was enduring. Frozen sprouts......the contact over the years was platonic but, he would check in with me regularly to see how I was doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 LaurieBell82......I quit smoking with the patch.......how wonderful would it be to have a patch for these purposes? And I lost the weight through a well known weight loss program. I suppose the support from my counselor helped me lose the weight. When I went to my therapist I told her I was there not to end the relationship but, to find out why I am willing to accept the crumbs of a relationship which might, in turn, help me to end the relationship. The therapy has only just begun so there is much to examine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TinaniT Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 If you love him and he is feeling that guilty and presumably that conflicted with his lord, let him go. It won't be easy, but it is the loving thing to do. This is hurting him and you and there are two ways for it to end- he leaves or it is over, and he says the former is not an option. Do you want to cause you both to suffer for an extended time until the inevitable conclusion? Sometimes it's best to excise yourself from the past with so many bad memories... even the "golden light" from then may not be helping you now. Good luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 If you love him and he is feeling that guilty and presumably that conflicted with his lord, let him go. It won't be easy, but it is the loving thing to do. This is hurting him and you and there are two ways for it to end- he leaves or it is over, and he says the former is not an option. Do you want to cause you both to suffer for an extended time until the inevitable conclusion? Sometimes it's best to excise yourself from the past with so many bad memories... even the "golden light" from then may not be helping you now. Good luck to you. Exactly why I let him go...I love him...and I could she that juggling 2 lives was taking a huge toll on him...everytime he sent me a pic he looked worse...so stressed out a conflicted...so I released him from my "life"...since we've had several ddays I can't say his life is much less stressful...I'm pretty sure it's worse...but at least he doesn't have to keep me happy anymore...so Bailey...you say he's guilty and conflicted...if u let him go before a dday...it will b drastically better for everyone...no less hurt...but less drama...which makes everything much worse...some BS's after dday don't think with their brain...and the results will make it much worse for u...trust me... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 I am hoping and praying to find my courage through therapy. May I continue to share the process with all of you kind souls? Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I am hoping and praying to find my courage through therapy. May I continue to share the process with all of you kind souls? Definitely I don't know how much help I'll b as I'm still in the recovery phase but I'm listening Also...when you've been here for a certain amount of time (?) and 50 (?) posts you'll get PM privelidges...you can PM me if u wish since we have similar stories... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 18, thank you. I have some great friends who know about the A but, none of them have ever walked in my shoes. The support I receive here is different and I really appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 18, thank you. I have some great friends who know about the A but, none of them have ever walked in my shoes. The support I receive here is different and I really appreciate it. My BFF has forbidden me to ever talk about it again...she was good for like 6-8 months of me talking about nothing but him...but after that she was done...especially since I didn't listen to any advice she gave me...it's a real sore subject in our R right now...just more fallout from the A dynamic I guess...not only that...she told her H so our time together greatly decreased...but I guess he could of demanded she break it off with me all together...so I guess I'm thankful for that...A's hurt everyone...even more that the AP's and spouses/kids...just sucks u know?... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 I also want to say you're a much stronger person than I am...I only saw my x F2F twice in a year and 1/2...if I had to have him and then have him ripped from my arms every month I'm not quite sure I could have survived that...how much longer can u do that to yourself?...that must be physically destroying you inside...hence the need for the therapist...I wouldn't wish that kind of heart-wrenching trauma on anyone...and I'll never do it again for sure... Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 LaurieBell82......I quit smoking with the patch.......how wonderful would it be to have a patch for these purposes? And I lost the weight through a well known weight loss program. I suppose the support from my counselor helped me lose the weight. When I went to my therapist I told her I was there not to end the relationship but, to find out why I am willing to accept the crumbs of a relationship which might, in turn, help me to end the relationship. The therapy has only just begun so there is much to examine. Well regardless, you made the decision to make those changes and stuck to them. You could have always stopped using the patch or quit the weight loss program but you didn't. You stuck with it, through motivation and therapy. So I have a feeling you could do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 I am able to cope quite well because of a job that keeps me busy 6 days a week, great friends, a dog I adore, my exercise program, and my love of reading. I am sad a lot but, I don't let it stop me from living my life. At my age, though, I want peace and joy and I do not have that now. I will keep you informed of my progress!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 20, 2012 Author Share Posted February 20, 2012 Lauriebell82, thanks for your faith in my strength..... Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 So here's my suggestion to you...for what it's worth... Right now you are on "good terms" with your MM...no dday...no mud slinging...no bus accidents...you can walk away now on "good terms"...on YOUR decision...or...you can't wait until dday...the hurt u will experience will increase EXPONENTIALLY...bc he will make that decision for you... Tell him: MM...I love you...always have...always will...I would love to experience your life 100% with u...but I love myself more...and this 5% R we have now is destroying me (trust me it will)...I can also see that this R is having a negative effect on u...and that makes me sad...so we need to end this amicably...bc you are not treating me or your W fairly by only giving us half of what we deserve from you...I'm "lovingly" walking away from this hurtful situation...if you decide later that u want and can give me what I deserve...you know how to reach me...we can start from scratch...date properly and see where that takes us...but that window of opportunity expires in 3 months from today...I love you...but I love myself more... And in 3 months...you'll have your answer...which since he has told u flat out that he loves his W and is not leaving...I'm afraid the answer will be the same 3 months from now...or 3 years from now after thousands of $ in mental health visits for u... You will feel so much better if YOU make that decision...before the drama ensues...I told mine that what I wrote above...almost exactly at the same time as our 1st dday...he came back TWICE saying he made a decision and he choose me...I'm sure u know bow that went...LIAR...and I'm stupid for buying his shyte...anyway...even if my x came back TODAY with divorce papers in hand and a plane skywriting how much he loves me...the damage is done...we have both done damage to each other I'm not sure we could repair even with years of MC...and that's very sad for me...knowing that we could have walked away amicably...as friends...to maybe revisit later...when kids grown etc., etc...but instead we missed that window of opportunity... Your window is now...don't close it...if he's struggling with guilt and stress as u say...and especially if there is real love from him there for you...W will catch on and very soon...and it will be ugly... I know your afraid of the answer...I was too...but I was told opposite of you...I was told didn't love W, only loved me, On his way out so he could b with me...but you've already got your answer...and he's enjoying his cake in 2 flavors...your just choosing to ignore it so that u can see him next month...then be depressed until the next month...I've been there...I understand...it's time for u to take away his cake...and see what happens...either way...YOU WILL BE JUST FINE...I promise... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 18, I am curious how old you are.....and wondering if the fact that I am 60 years old makes it harder for me to end this relationship. Who wants a 60 year old woman??? No one.....that's who. I am so terrified that I will never be held again, kissed again, made love to again. I am so very, very scared. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 18, I am curious how old you are.....and wondering if the fact that I am 60 years old makes it harder for me to end this relationship. Who wants a 60 year old woman??? No one.....that's who. I am so terrified that I will never be held again, kissed again, made love to again. I am so very, very scared. Not true! In 2010 I went to the wedding of my grandmother's friend who is 60 something years old! She looked so gorgeous and young and HAPPY! She was widowed for 10 years before she met her second husband and she hadn't imagined that she'd ever marry again. But there she was a blushing bride, with a full wedding like any 27 year old would have. It's never too late.....women in their 20s complain about not being able to find a man all the time, no matter what age women complain that there are no good men...yet people marry and find love everyday. Don't give up on yourself or believe it only happens for "others"....if it can happen for them, you are just as deserving! Just because you're 60 doesn't mean you need to act like you're dead or you should be so grateful any man would want you....if you act like that, then you end up with a man who treats you exactly like that--like you should be lucky he is breathing your way. You don't need that. You may not have tons of men chasing you, but most people don't, or those chasing aren't eligible anyway...so focus on getting involved in activities you already like but where you'll meet potential men your age. There are many men who like older women or men who are your age who are divorced, widowed or have never been married. Your only option is not a MM. However, if you tell yourself no one wants you, you start making it true. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 18, I am curious how old you are.....and wondering if the fact that I am 60 years old makes it harder for me to end this relationship. Who wants a 60 year old woman??? No one.....that's who. I am so terrified that I will never be held again, kissed again, made love to again. I am so very, very scared. I'm 41 in a 21 year olds body and mind...honey...age is just a number...you're only as old as u think u are!!!...remember that... I'm MARRIED and I'd like to be held, kissed, and made love to...I'm terrified of throwing up on him if he tried...and I'm terrified of spending another 9 freaking years with him (when youngest turns 18)...I'm so miserable right now I could spend the rest of my life 100% alone and b A-OK... So everyone has "issues" to deal with...but when you pile more shyte (an A) on top of the "real" shyte...it doesn't help anything...makes it worse... You say u are living your life outside the A...but your sad and miserable (bc of the A)...people can tell...and thus your not showing the TRUE, BEAUTIFUL, STRONG, SMART, TALENTED WOMAN you really are...be confident and happy with yourself...and that will radiate to others...including a wonderful available man who will hold you, and kiss u, and make love to you, and give you all the love and RESPECT you deserve...never settle...a man should never be a requirement in your life...only an asset... Smile...think about everything in your life u can b thankful for...starting with your new LS friends si are going to help u remove this blood sucking leach from your life...removing him from your life DOES NOT mean u have to stop loving him...u just have to accept that loving him does not make him right for you...to quote MissBee "loving you doesn't make you not a liar (or any other word of your choosing)"... Yes...he's holding you...Yes...he's kissing you...Yes...he's making love to you...so now what?...does that make u happy?...nope...then he leaves u to go home and kiss, hold and make live to his W, who he loves and IS NOT LEAVING...so now what?...wait until next month to rinse and repeat?...nor trying to b harsh...just trying to open your eyes to the facts... So you continue the A = you're not happy... You end the A = you're nor happy... Either choice the end result is exactly the same...EXCEPT if u choose door #2, u stop the maddness, u work thru the hurt/pain, u learn from your mistake, and u come out a better, HAPPY person...door #1 ensures indefinite unhappiness...your choice... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Calling GG...I'm hoping GentleGirl cones by and offers u some advice from a 60ish yo perspective (sorry if I've got that wrong GG)... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 18, I do not find your posts to be at all harsh.......they make me cry because I know you are right. I am not ready to end things......please stand by me while I find the courage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Standing by... Cry all u want...it's ok...if u didn't u would b abnormal...kick, scream, punch your pillow, get angry...you're doing fine...and when u get tired of crying you'll b done...I still cry sometimes...not often and it's not bc I miss him or want him back...I miss what I thought we had...but I've accepted that those thoughts were based on lies...I cry bc I'm pissed at what he did to me...at what I allowed him to do to me...He ruined the me I was...and I'm working on a new and better me...so are you...even if u don't see it right now... You're doing great...work at your own pace...just like an addict...you've admitted u have a problem (step 1) and are reaching out for support to the solution...I don't know the rest of the steps but I'm sure u don't have to accomplish all of them in one day... You'll b ok...I know exactly how u feel...I can tell u it gets better...even if u don't want it too...u have to break the addiction cycle... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 You deserve love and to be loved. It's never gonna happen as long as you ALLOW this schmuck to take up that space in your head - that should be for an available man. A man who will see you often, take you out, share himself with you...and be proud to show YOU to the entire world. You deserve it - that inner voice knows you're settling - and betraying yourself... By short changing the possibilities of what you COULD have. He's selfish and self serving - cuz he knows darn well he's never gonna give you what you deserve. Stop betraying yourself. You won't find what you deserve while he's taking up all that space. Tell him YOU deserve more than the 10% relationship he's been offering you. Love shouldn't have to hurt the way this has been - that's enough to tell you it's just not right... Too much negative energy. Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl2 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Bailey, I'm not sure about the resue bit but I can offer you my experience. I am 64. 3year passionate magical affair with xMM. I am NC 14 months today. Unlike yourself to date, there was a Dday. I am not sure he told me everything that occurred. I know damned well that he denied my existence. He made the choice to leave me . He walked away and left me at the worst pont in my life and never looked back. Back read my posts if you are really interested He is on a dating website and went on there 2 weeks after we split up. He used the "I can't hurt her at this time in her life" excuse. Your MM uses religion and his love for his wife. I do believe both men are weaklings and cowards who want, want , selfishly whatever they can get. If you or I get in the way of their real lives, they will not think twice about pushing us out of the way to salvage their own skins. All the connections, sex, love etc mean nothing then. Anway Bailey, I have learned to be alone, and to like it. If I never have a man in my life again, it won't matter to me My life is very nice thank you. It's something within me that is quite satisfied with who I am. It's the first time in my life I have really been alone. It was over whelming but I have come to terms with it. YOu know Bailey there are lots of guys out there. It doesn't matter what age you are, as long as you are in the right frame of mind YOu are not in the right frame of mind yet. You need to resolve the A and then do recovery before you even dream of going there. Are you going to walk away ? If you leave it until a Dday occurs, he will break your heart for sure. It will hurt you like you won't believe and shake your confidence for a long time to come. Hold your head high and tell him you are done and walk away. In the long term you will be proud you did. All my best wishes to you, GG ps I have three dates this week so do not despair. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 Thank you, all. Can someone please explain "dday." I am assuming it means the day BS finds out about the affair, right? Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Yes, it stands for discovery day. A day when the BS finds out that her/his spouse is cheating on her. With the truth revealed, the BS can now make informed choices about her/his future. One aspect I find totally unnecessary and cruel is that, the people in LTA's (years), are deliberately wasting their spouses lives away with their lies and hidden life. It is one thing to fall in love with someone else and divorce. But it takes a special kind of selfishness to lead a LT double life, not caring enough about your spouse to divorce them, and let them live an authentic honest life with someone that truly loves them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bailey14 Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 (edited) One of the things I find amazing is my MM lives a life with his wife that has not changed one iota since we have been involved.....OMG I just had an epiphany!!! If he can pretend with her after 40 years why do I believe there is ANY authenticity in the way he treats me??? I truly believe that she has no idea that her husband has been involved in an EMR.....he is that good at all the pretense. Edited February 21, 2012 by Bailey14 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 bailey, I know you aren't familiar with my story, but I am a long ago BS. I don't know about how other marriages are affected when the spouse is actively cheating.But I do know how it affected mine and it was not pretty at all. The huge red flag that let me know something was very wrong was my spouse's whole personality changed. He had always been a good, kind, loving H that was very family oriented. During his cheating years, me and the kids walked on eggshells, so as to not set off his abrupt raging outbursts. ( over small unimportant things) He also refused to spent any of his free time with us, including the kids sports games or family entertainment. We suffered much emotional and verbal abuse before we finally had a d-day and I realized what was causing his strange behavior. After reading different boards over many years, there seem to be very few marriages that the affairs don't affect the daily lives of the spouses and kids. (frequent traveling jobs might be one of those) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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