echocrush Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 I have really been trying to stand up for myself more, but I don't think it's going very well. With my husband I have been trying to tell him it hurts me when... but he keeps turning it around and making it about how I messed up or something, which just confuses me and I forget what the main issue was in the first place. And my family, same thing. I stand up for myself and my beliefs and the whole family gangs up on me. It's so damned frustrating. I am seriously beginning to think I am just better off alone. I think being a lonely doormat is easier. How do I stand up for myself without making other people mad? Do I need to start smaller? Maybe I am choosing the wrong issues to stand up on or maybe I am just being too sensitive? HELP! Or is that just how it works? Standing up for yourself opens you up to them telling you what you do wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Give an example of how you stand up for yourself. Give the conversation like Me: Honey, I'm hungry DH: THEN MAKE SOMETHING TO EAT! Me: Don't talk to me like that! DH: THEN DON'T SAY STUPID THINGS! etc. Then, we can get to the root of the communication problem Link to post Share on other sites
Bobbie Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Patricia Evans 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' ( here's some of her website info http://www.verbalabuse.com/2.shtml ) is a great book for breaking down patterns of verbal abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Why explain? Some oppinions just are! You do not HAVE to explain. You have an oppinion, you choose to do a certain thing. I have seen this in my family too. They are doing it to my little cousin! Were doing it, 'cause I got so mad once that I made my aunts cry when picking on her! This is so frustrating to me!!! Anyway, don't allow them to disrespect you. Never in a million years. Sometimes families are like packs of wolfes, they just love picking on the weakest! See that they're doing it? Don't let them do it! Stop the conversation! MAke them stop! Make a bit issue of a little thing when you're right, scream and break a few things, then they'll pay attention! I'm totally exagerating, forget about that! Anyway, at least imagine too, you'll feel better! Alright, let's think aboout this calmly: people have images of you, based on yourself, but mostly based on how you reacted in different circumstances! As a matter of fact, sweatheart, you allowed them to treat you this way. Little by little, not standing up for yourself, being too nice or too scared to make your point, made them have this image you know hate about yourself! In order for this to change, it's gonna take more than a few conversation. You are gonna have to watch it. It's not this BIG change, trust me. IT goes day by day and on daily basis. If your mom tells you she hates your blouse and yellow doesn't go with your complexion, well, then calmly tell her that you happen to love the cutting, that "Cosmo" says it's really hot, and that yellow energies you, for ... I don't quite have a good reason now! And keep it like that. Little things, little teps will get you there! This is like respect: one does not ask for respect, that is gained! It willtake you a long time to fix it, but it so fixable!!!!The key is to be sure and confident of yourself. You'll never be able to go through with it otherwise! So find your source of strength and start changing your life! I hope I am making sense! Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Also, when you learn to not care what others think of you so much...it will be easier. I'm TRYING to learn myself Link to post Share on other sites
Author echocrush Posted June 6, 2004 Author Share Posted June 6, 2004 If I could stop caring what other people think then I would cut out 90% of my problems in life lol. The funny thing is hubby tells me all of the time I should stop caring what othe people think, he doesn't give a damn what anyone else thinks about him. But I don't want to hurt people the way he does either... I want to stand up for myself but still respect other peoples boundaries too... And as for an example... Me: I love this song Him: Turn that crap off Me: Why are you the only one who get's to decide what we do? Him: Because I'm the man Me: I feel like I'm not allowed to have an opinion on anything, can't you just respect me enough to let me have a say in things Him: Well You do this and that, and... Me: I only did that once... Him: And that's another thing, I hate it when you interrupt me... And after about ten minutes I have forgotten all about standing up for myself and my mind is reeling with everything I do wrong... something like that anyways Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 Sorry to hear that. It does take two people to communicate well...and your husband needs to try too. And standing up for yourself often means not worrying what others think. I haven't managed to stop worrying about that yet myself. It's tough if you are used to noticing what other people think..but gradually we can step back from that and be ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 How about when he tells you that he thinks that song is crap, you tell him, you think the music and the lyrics are great, seperately and together and not allow him to judge your tastes in music? You just happen to Loooove that song and fromthat day, that stupid song is your song!!!!! This is what standing upfor yourself is. Having ideas, oppinions and even if every single other person thinks it's wrong, you stick to yours!!!!! Why do you have to explain everythig Like why you even like that song? Healing starts with small steps. Are you not allowed to say you like something he doesn't care for? I am repeating myself: he's only doing that because he can and because you LET him. IT is about tastes,not the holy Bible!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 Originally posted by echocrush Me: I love this song Him: Turn that crap off Me: Why are you the only one who get's to decide what we do? Him: Because I'm the man I wouldn't have asked him why he gets to decide what we do. That has a line in between it that says, "If you can give me a good reason, then we'll do what you decide." I'm not sure what the correct thing to say here is. Maybe Me: I love this song Him: Turn that crap off Me: hang on, I'll turn it off after it finishes. Just don't give him the option to be in control. If he gives you an order, don't say, "Why do you think you can order me around." Just don't listen. Just don't do what he says. Do what you want. If he gets so angry that he jumps and turns it off himself, then he is trying to control you, and you shouldn't have to put up with that. At the point he turns it off himself, you get angry, and you leave the situation. Don't speak to him. When he comes to you, wanting to make up, then tell him that he has no right to try and MAKE you do something, and you're not going to put up with him thinking he has a right to boss you around. Tell him that he's not your Dad. Me: I feel like I'm not allowed to have an opinion on anything, can't you just respect me enough to let me have a say in things Him: Well You do this and that, and... Me: I only did that once... Him: And that's another thing, I hate it when you interrupt me... Don't interrupt him. Let him make his point. Let him be stupid. After he finishes it, say, "For the record, I only did such and such once." If you interrupt him, you are letting him know that he's getting to you. Don't give him the control. If he starts badgering you, just ignore him. See, I live with a verbally abusive man. One time we were having a conversation about the cost of something. A man that was helping me said he could get a lot of the cost cut off of the price. My husband said, "Where did this figure come from? Oh, it came from this....no...." I started to explain that it was the figure that the man helping us gave me, since he thought he could get the price cut down a lot, but my husband interrupted me, and through gritted teeth, said, "Don't interrupt me." I should've walked away right then, and let the stupid idiot spend the next hour trying to find where the figure came from, but I'm not like him. I calmly sat there while he went on and on about where he thought it came from, and when he finally shut up, I said, "That's the figure that so and so said we could get it for." and left. Let them be stupid. Maybe after they are stupid enough, they'll shut up and listen. If not, at least we get to revel in the knowledge that they are in fact idiots. Anyhoo, let him finish his wild accusations on you. Who cares if you only "did it once" you did it, so he may have a valid reason. Don't let him put you down because of something you did. Don't let him think he has a right to belittle your opinion, because of something you did. Just don't let HIM have any say over anything you do. If he tells you to go do the laundry, and you tell him you'll do it after your show goes off, and he says he wants it done now, then say, "I said I'll do it after my show goes off....you are free to do it if it has to be done now." If he starts breaking things, or comes after you, then you'd better jump up and do the laundry. Some men take being verbally abusive to the next level. Once they learn that they can't belittle you into doing whatever they want, then they start physically hurting you to make you do what they want. My husband will order me to go to another room when he gets mad at me. THIS MAKES ME SOOOOO MAD! Who does he think he is to MAKE me do something. I tell him that I hate it that he thinks he can control me. If I don't jump up and go, he'll push me off the couch, or throw something at me. Utter control. He deny's that he's trying to control me, but that's exactly what he's doing. Jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
mandy may Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 he sounds like a control freak to me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author echocrush Posted June 10, 2004 Author Share Posted June 10, 2004 So don't play into it, and just let your opinion stand? Novel idea... But that means shut up... and for me that is a true challenge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author echocrush Posted June 10, 2004 Author Share Posted June 10, 2004 I do have a lot of control freaks in my life, it seems to be my main requirement for a relationship. He deny's that he's trying to control me, but that's exactly what he's doing. And they always deny it as well... what's up with that??? Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 If you don't shut up and let him make an arse out of himself, then he IS controlling you. He's getting exactly the reaction from you that he want's, so he can say more things to put you down and control you. If you don't play into it, then he doesn't have any control. No, people who are trying to control other people usually don't GET that they are trying to control someone, until someone else tries to control them. I used to be controlling, then I got married, and my husband did me exactly the way that I did others....so I saw how I was being. I still have a little control streak in me. If he makes me mad, I go shopping. I get so angry when I don't have control over what happens to me. Like if he tells me to go to my room, and if I defy him, he gets so angry that he usually breaks something. It scares me to death when he does that. He'll get mad, and order me to leave the room. If I don't, something gets broken. If I do, I'm so freakin mad that "daddy sent me to my room" that I can't stand it. So I go shopping. I spend money. I will want something, say, "No, that costs too much" and put it back, then say, "well, WTF, he's paying for it," and toss it into my cart. It helps me gain control back I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
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