Very serious situation with a best friend.

[maysj18]

So, I have been close with Sally for 2 years now. When I first met her she was dating this absolute jackass from her previous school. He was such an angry person and over the 2 years they were together, he had pushed her and grabbed her a couple times. She would drive 8 hours to see him every weekend and he never once came here. He never gave her gas money or anything, either. He cheated on her for a whole year, but she never broke it off because he would always say people were lying. He would make inappropriate comments to her about me and our other friends, but she would just laugh it off. This guy was a total nightmare, but Sally is such a pushover she never told him he was wrong.

 

That situation though doesn't even compare to the one she's in now and it is taking a toll on her friendships. She started talking to a guy at our university in August. He just got out of a long term relationship back in June and so she sent him a text asking him to go fishing with her. When he accepted, she was so excited. I was happy for her, but every time they would set a date he would cancel. The first time they actually hung out was in the backseat of his car. She went down on him and then they had sex. They started meeting at random places after hours (baseball field, tennis courts) to have sex a few times a week. He told her over and over all he wanted was a fwb, but of course Sally ignored that and fell in love. He never wanted to be seen around campus with her, never went to her apartment, would never meet in public places, and he wouldnt even talk to her if he saw her. She bought him presents ALL the time..randomly..and they were really expensive. She wouldn't even talk to other guys and said she didn't consider herself single..we all told her how unhealthy it was but she wouldnt listen. He would constantly ask her if she was getting too attached, but rather than admitting the truth, she would deny it but then cry to me and our friends EVERY DAY about it. She also has become obsessed with his ex-girlfriend. She knows what kind of car she drives, coomments on how she's dressed each day, and feels the need to tell him anytime she sees his ex with her new boyfriend. It's crazy!! Sally is a very strange person. She has a one-track mind and anyone who knows her agrees. She talks about Jared and ONLY jared. If a conversation has nothing to do with gossip or her current situation with Jared, she will be on her phone and not paying attention. She tells me the same stories a million times a day and if i say I've already heard that story or if i try to interact with her story, she interrupts me by continuing to talk, just at a louder volume. She doesnt take normal social cues. Its gotten to the point where I won't listen to her sometimes, but she keeps talking about him even if I don't respond or look interested. She's a very odd person..I've never met someone who acts like her. I'm close with her because I know she would do ANYTHING for me. She is such a sweet person, but she just doesn't think normally.

 

Well, things have been getting worse. She begged and begged for a Christmas present from him and so he got her a pillow pet and wrote her a small note. She sleeps with both every night and still will NOT let him go. He graduated so she tries to make plans with him all the time and it always results in her driving to his town an hour away. They end up going to Wal-Mart or something stupid like that. I'm friends with Jared and after not being able to get through to her, me and our other two friends decided we need to tell him. We were going to wait until the timing seemed right, but then one of my friends told me something that made my blood boil. Sally fell on hard times financially last semester, so I helped her a lot. Come to find out, around the time she lost track of her spending, she had bought Jared a 300 dollar treestand. I picked up my phone right then and called him. I was very respectful and he was shocked to find out her obsession. He said he did not like her that way and he was appalled I even knew about it (Sally wasnt supposed to tell anyone about it). He said he was going to talk to her and tell her they were done, but obviously it wasn't that easy to give up the free sex. He left my name out of it, but told her that people have been talking to him about her, saying she's obsessed with him. She flipped out to us about it, complaining that people were "talking" and its ruined her relationship. She went three days without showering and has been on an extreme diet for awhile too. They are both fitness buffs and she is already so slim to begin with, but the pressure to look good for him has really got to her i guess.

 

Basically, they still talk and he wont dump her for good. He is staying so passive about it, but it is a HUGE problem. Her grades have bee dropping and she has become increasingly depressed. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. She is living with me next year and I don't know if I can handle it. Should I tell her that I told him? And that i know she wasted all that money on him? Or should i just not do anything?

[turt]

Have you tried finding her a new "real" boyfriend? It sounds like that may be difficult but every other option looks like it would end in disaster.

 

...or you need to find her outside help.

[maysj18]

Have you tried finding her a new "real" boyfriend? It sounds like that may be difficult but every other option looks like it would end in disaster.

 

...or you need to find her outside help.

 

She would NEVER go for that. Plus, I think she needs to be single. She gives up her body and her heart way too easy. I have suggested counseling, but she blows it off and pretends like I never said anything. Should i suggest we go talk to the counselor together? Theres on on campus.

[ja123]

Firstly, do NOT live with her next year. You must protect yourself!

 

She has major codependency issues and needs help a.s.a.p. from a qualified psychologist who specialises in codependency and addicitons, and who uses cognitive behavioral therapy. An eating disorder may also be presenting, as you indicate.

 

You can help her find a psychologist if she is in agreement: contact your local hospital's psych department to make enquiries, check with your school to see if they have psychologists, too. My feeling is that she'll need therapy at least once a week, if not twice.

 

You can also see if there's a local "Codependents Anonymous" meeting. If you can't find one then check with AA.

 

Ultimately, it's up to her to get treatment. So, offer to help her find it if she wants, but you must then step back.

 

IMO, don't get involved in her romantic relationships. You need to set your boundaries. You don't need all of this drama, and you might well be better off by having distance from her.

 

Here are some books that can help her:

 

Melodie Beattie "The Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps"

David D. Burns "Feeling Good"

Susan Forward "Emotional Blackmail"

[gaius]

Should i suggest we go talk to the counselor together? Theres on on campus.

I think that would be a good idea, anything to get her in there. Perhaps her parents could intervene in some way? I would hold off on telling her what you did, exposing yourself would just make her angry with you and make it near impossible to help in anyway.

 

I know it's hard to abandon a friend but Ja might be right, the chances of getting someone with that many issues fixed up when they aren't looking for therapy are slim. You might just end up getting dragged into the maelstrom.

[maysj18]

I agree completely with you all.

I just can't believe how much he is still milking this. She is driving to NC to go see a concert and is under the impression that he's going. He is going to bail on her, he always does, but he always waits last minute. It's so ****ty of him and it upsets me.

 

I'm so worried about next year.

We havent signed a lease, but shes pretty set on it..what do I say?!

[MillyRad]

I'm sorry to hear that this has been happening. It's pretty rough stuff. College is taxing, emotionally and physically, even without adding dating/relationship stuff to the mix. I agree with the other replies saying that your friend needs psychiatric help as soon as possible and to not say anything that will make her angry with you until after she's receiving treatment.

 

Some possible tips to get your friend into counseling: Let her know that you're very worried about her and that it might help her to feel better if she talks to a counselor. They get paid to listen to people's problems, so she doesn't need to feel like she's imposing on them or be embarrassed. They've heard it all. Offering to go with her was sweet and might make her more comfortable. If there's a counselor on campus, let her know what building and what hours so that if she decides to go on her own (she might be embarrassed to admit to needing help in front of friends. As a last resort, parental involvement might be necessary, if you know them and think they'd be concerned and supportive.

[ja123]

I'm so worried about next year.

We havent signed a lease, but shes pretty set on it..what do I say?!

 

It’ll be tough to tell her that you will not live with her next year, but you know that you must so the sooner the better.

 

IMO you mustn’t enter to any kind of negotiation with her. The best way this is done is to not give explanations as to your reasons. Just say that you’ve decided you want to live alone. If she asks why, then just tell her it’s your preference. Be firm.

 

She will probably throw some kind of guilt trip at you. Be prepared for it, and don’t jump into her “game”.

 

Make the conversation short. Have a pre-prepared exit strategy. For example, “I can’t talk right now, I have a meeting with my professor,” or some such thing.

 

See if you can get Susan Forward’s book,“Emotional Blackmail” for yourself. It can help you deal with sticky people and sticky situations. The lessons learned will help you throughout life.

Edited February 20, 2012 by ja123

[ja123]

I agree completely with you all.

I just can't believe how much he is still milking this. She is driving to NC to go see a concert and is under the impression that he's going. He is going to bail on her, he always does, but he always waits last minute. It's so ****ty of him and it upsets me.

 

Do you see how you've taken the bait? You're in their game.

 

He may or may not cancel. Either way, it is not your problem.

 

Certainly you're upset on behalf of your friend, but realize that she is allowing his behaviour. You cannot fix her. You cannot fix him. Most important, it is not your job to do so! You have your own stuff to deal with ... concentrate on your own life.

 

You need a boundary re-set: there is such a thing as healthy selfishness, you know.

 

Again, you need to protect yourself and your emotions. Don't even allow your friend to discuss these matters with you. Tell her that you're concerned for her, but that it is really outside of your understanding, then suggest she talk to a psychologist. Repeat this like a mantra to her any time she tries to bring the "boyfriend" topic up. Don't ask questions, don't listen to details, just cut the conversation off: change the subject, physically leave, etc.

 

Question to you, OP: What are you getting out of this friendship with her?

[maysj18]

It's going to be me, Sally, and one of our other best friends living together. She is going to feel so excluded, I just don't know how to say it.

 

Sally feels like a little sister to me. I love her and can't just abandon her. the only reason I'm involved is because she makes me involved. I do NOT ask her things, she just tells me. I have to actually tell her to stop talking in class, or else she will literally have conversations with me when the professor is lecturing! I have to tell her every day that i dont want to hear another thing about Jared, but every day I have to remind her that i don't want to hear it. I've had to be hateful before, because she doesn't shut up.

 

She's selfish, but not on purpose. I'm not sure what is wrong with her, but she is very strange. I'm not sure if its a psychological or physiological disorder, but something is wrong with her.

 

I'm not sure about going to her family. I have never met them because shes from a state 13 hours away.

[SpiralOut]

How does your other friend feel about living with her? Maybe you could both talk to her.

 

I think it's very sweet that you don't want to hurt this girl's feelings. But if you live with her she will suck the life out of you.

[maysj18]

How does your other friend feel about living with her? Maybe you could both talk to her.

 

I think it's very sweet that you don't want to hurt this girl's feelings. But if you live with her she will suck the life out of you.

 

She is one of the friends I mentioned earlier. She's close with her, but not as much as me. I know she doesn't want her to live with us if she keeps this up. What about giving her an ultimatum? I want her to know I WANT to live with her, but can't deal with her depression if she's not trying to get better.

[ja123]

I want her to know I WANT to live with her, but can't deal with her depression if she's not trying to get better.

 

Then tell her that!

 

Though if you were my daughter, I would fear the risk too great: I would advise you not to live with her. She could go to a few therapy sessions, seem better, then chuck it in, relapse and end up in the worse state than she is now.

 

You are a good person and you care. When I mentioned earlier about having some healthy selfishness, I was referring that you need some. You don't want to lose your goodness: that's a wonderful, priceless attribute. However, even a great virtue like goodness needs to be tempered. It is your friend's job to get better ultimately (albeit she'll need support, professional and otherwise.) She has to wants to get better, to commit to it, and do the work necessary to change. You cannot do the work for her, though clearly you see that she's suffering and you'd like to take a magic wand and make all her pain go away. You cannot change her.

 

In the meantime, you still need to protect yourself, respect yourself, and establish and maintain your boundaries. Your friend isn't protecting you, nor respecting you or your boundaries. That doesn't sound like much of a friend to me, does it to you? I'm certain that she's not doing it on purpose, but she's like an addict. Her 'addiction' is bigger than she, bigger than her education, bigger than her friendship with you.

 

She's on a downward spiral. If you or anyone gets sucked in emotionally, not only will you not be able to help her, you will have the lifeblood drained right out of you. It will (and has!) have a negative impact on your current happiness and sense of peace, but it could very well have a negative impact on your future as you'd be placing your studies in jeopardy.

 

She undoubtedly inherited her codepedency issues from her family. Her issues took years to build, and they will take years to undo. There are no quick fixes.

 

Nor is it Jared's fault. If she weren't with this Jared, then she'd be with another 'Jared'. She has a compulsion to go on this downward spiral. Do you see that?

 

So, OP, what are you getting out of this friendship with her? In otherwords, what residual payoff are you getting by remaining engaged with this drama?

Edited February 22, 2012 by ja123