lost_in_chgo Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Had a talk with a former coworker (currently a coworker of the ex's) She said that my ex and I are from different worlds. In her world, people don't have the same sense of responsibility and pride, they run each other down and consume everything around them without regard to the consequences. They buy what they want when they have money and defer the bills to when they are convenient. They take. In my world, (and this coworker's) people stand up for themselves, take pride in their homes, meet their obligations first and spend on luxuries second. The repay borrowed money as soon as possible, even if it means working a little extra. They save rather than spend. She said, the ex wants that kind of life, where she isn't always worried about money or her job or her bills or having a house some day. But she's so conditioned to the way she was raised and how she lived with her ex that she can't believe that she could have the things she wants. She was very intimidated by the idea of living with those standards. One thing the ex said to me was that I made her feel bad about herself. Now an important point to mention here is is that I was never in any way verbal abusive to her. But her ex was. In many cases, I was the one boosting her morale after he would say something nasty to her (bad mother, slut, etc..) Another thing was that she couldn't live up to my standards. Another important point here...I never really set any standards for her, but I did give her advice when she asked for it. I offered her solutions for dealing with potty training her son, or motivating her daughters to clean their rooms. In both cases I gave examples that worked for my brother and sister in law when they had similar problems with their daughter. The ex turned this into me saying she was a bad mother... certainly the furthest thing from my mind. So then I heard this stuff from the coworker and it got me thinking about insecurity and mental abuse and how my ex suffers from both as a result of her marriage and her childhood. The coworker said I just have to let her come to terms with everything and decide what she really wants. Once her mind settles she will realize. Meanwhile, she reaches out to me and then runs away the second we start to get comfortable with each other again. kinda aggravating. Link to post Share on other sites
BrotherD Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 Yeah Two worlds colliding... I am self made, no formal education. Came from broken home, lotsa of drug use amongst peers in high school. Presevered. Worked hard. Bought a crappy house and busted my ass for years making it a comfortable home. Met the ex and the judgement began. I was told, "Well, your rich, your not living in the real world" So you really need all that house? Do you really need two cars You can't take it with you... Nothing's permanent You think your better than everybody else (my favorite) Well maybe so, but in the meantime we need food, shelter and a way to navigate our concrete infastructure etc etc etc. What this amounts to is jealously and envy. And I found that the next stop is FEAR. Fear that somebody somewhere is having a good time and "making it" Somebody got off the duff and grabbed the reigns... I've never in my entire life has anyone ever said those sorts of things to me.... I have lifelong friends, I'm in good standing with my parents and siblings, Im of middle class socio economic status (all of which the ex can't claim) and I am well liked in the community. Here's the kicker. I didn't care about any of this stuff! I just wanted to have a nice time. Not get read the riot act! I'm not kidding, this became a huge deal...Yeesh!!! Advice, date from your own gene-pool Link to post Share on other sites
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