We are not dating, as Afghan has stolen our year, what do i do?!

[Lost_miltaryfemale]

i met this guy, j, when i was going through office training, throughout it all thought i had a boyfriend in j's platoon. but me and him always had a flirty, banterous relationship and made the effort to meet up every couple of months to catch in, and we sent enough texts in between that. august rolls round, me and my bf have just split up (he was horrible to me) and j comes to stay the night in my mess. in different rooms and we have a great night, i feel sad the next morning and say i wish i had seen you more before i don't see you for ages, me and my friends are going to edinburgh at the weekend, you should come with. he surprises me and says yes! so he comes with us, again, nothing dodgy, no real flirting... then on the train on the way home, we talk solidly for 3 and half hours, and end up holding hands... then we say goodbye. that was supposed to be the last time i see him before he leaves to go to afghan. however, we both text saying i have to see you again. so a couple days later he drives far again to come stay the night, this time in my bed. he says i have wanted to do that for ages... i say me too. but he never said anything as i had a boyf. we say our goodbyes. the it turns out i have a sat night free before he goes to afghan. so he flies from scotland to london for 20 hours with me in a 5 star hotel... it was the best 20 hours on my life. then he goes away to afghan mid september. we write, he phones, i send lots of parcels, one every 2 weeks ish. but he never once says i miss you or anything. he phones me xmas eve, boxing day, new years eve.

 

anyway the day before he flies bk to the uk, i ask him if he needs a lift from he airport he says he doesn't need one but would like me to pick him up. so we agree on a time and i am waiting at the airport, it has been 5 months to the day that i haven't seen him, after fb msgs to and fro of us saying how we CANNOT wait to see each other. he kisses me the minute he sees me and we go bk to mine for a couple of hours, i then drop him at a station and he goes home. this is a saturday.

 

the week goes on and the only communication i get from him is a text in response to my own. ok. so on the thursday i text him saying I'm feeling pretty used here. he phones the next day and says i am so sorry i never meant you to feel like that, blah blah blah. i am busy, seeing family etc. so i believe him and all is good. the next day friday 17 feb is that start of our amazing weekend in london. i had booked the same hotel for 2 nights and booked a couples spa package and an amazing steak dinner by the thames about $150 dinner! it was amazing. he held my hand, or walked with his arm round me, he held me at night, we had breakfast in bed, we acted for all intensive purposes as a couple. then we end up having to say goodbye on the train... i hug and kiss him and he says i will see you i 6 weeks when you get to bastion, it says it won't be hard and he will find me (i don't hold out much hope). then i start to cry and he walks past my train and sees me cry.

 

he doesn't text me or call me to check i am ok. i then get home and think AGH i wish i had said something to him, i wanted to tell him how i feel and tell him that when i am bk from afghan i want us to try to be something, i want to know his opinion and what he thinks this is. i am going crazy. i text him and say please can i see you, as he spent the night about 5 miles from my house, i call him and get voicemail. he replies this morning with this:

 

sorry, not ignoring you just got up. had a bit of a late one last night. seriously don't worry about me, i'll be fine. and whatever you need to say tell me when is ee you in bastion its crazy coming just to say one thing and then go. ill see you in 6 weeks! x

 

so I'm like... agh he doesn't get it, i then send a text saying you are 5 miles from me right now and its not for you, its for me, i need to say something to you, please x to which he has ignored.

 

So i have written him a letter, to potentially give him when i briefly see him out there.

 

i then accidentally found out he spent valentines with another girl in london... my boy mates reckon this isn't a big deal, as i don't own him?

 

please send me your wise words of wisdom!!

 

i hopefully will be seeing him in 6 weeks i bastion when he leaves afghan and i enter. life is too short.

 

i am utterly lost.

 

confused x

[Lost_miltaryfemale]

Please help!

[LDR234]

Hey Lost,

 

I am dating a military guy myself. I am civilian and live in a different state than him, thus the reason I read this forum for advices. As for you dilemma, if J really values this relationship, he wouldn't be 5 miles away from you and not spend every night with you! When I first started my relationship with my bf we spent every weekend together when we were 45 minutes apart. 6 months later, we were a 3 hour drive from each other. We alternated weekends driving up and down the coast of CA and we saw each other EVERY weekend. Now we are three hour plane ride apart (6+ hrs if you count getting to the airport and layover) and we make an effort to talk every night, if possible, and text throughout the day.

 

Also, why are you spending so much money on this guy for a getaway. Call me old fashion, but if he has the means to pay for this vacation, he should at least offer to pay you back. I have lent my bf money, but he feels less of a man whenever I have to make a rather big purchase for us. He is paying me in installments right now that he is officially getting an income (when we first started dating, he was still finishing his ROTC training, I had just started working).

 

I know love is blind, my sisters and parents were very concerned for me when they heard me having lent my bf money a few months into dating him.

[Lost_miltaryfemale]

The thing is his head never really left afghan. All he can think about is his boys. Which I get. I really do get. I'm just at a total loss. I just don't get how we can have the most perfect perfect weekend after 5 months apart and then as soon as he leaves me. That's it.

 

I tried to see him today and that when he said its silly and he would see me in bastion in 6 weeks. We cross over by a couple of days and he said he'd be able to find me easily hmm I'm not convinced. But my point is I tried to see him. But he avoided it *So I don't know if he's afraid of what I might say, or if he is trying to stay emotionally detached whilst we are both in dangerous places. Or at least one of us is. Or he genuinely doesn't want to have to tell me I'm just a shag, a good weekend and a good letter writer. But then he speaks of good ideas for parcels to send me and how he had kept everything i sent him. I just don't know.

 

We aren't dating and we aren't mutually exclusive so I Cant demand too much from him. But I tried to speak to him face to face and that didn't work. The only option I have is to talk on the phone or wait 6 weeks. Which would be a better way to tell him?

 

I have emailed him my bank details. I Organised the weekend as he was away.

 

It is so hard that we are both in the Army. I'm

Just at wits end as to what to do. As I dont want to be over there thinking agh what's he thinking. I'll have bigger things to worry about. But he means so much. I wonder if he is trying to keep me remain detached until we are both back?