Separated One Week: Do not Miss Wife

[Ingenue 2]

Greetings all. As with many of you, long-time reader, first-time poster.

 

My wife of seven years and I separated a little more than a week ago. This is a second marriage for both of us, and we are in our mid-to-late forties, no children together, no minor children in the home, home in her name only. How's that for some background?

 

I had "checked out" on our marriage over a year ago, though to see us together one might not have suspected that. We both tend to be kind people, not given to fights, and in our relationship, the bulk of the domestic duties (from paying bills to cooking/cleaning) have fallen to me. My wife has a demanding job (as do I), and I have more energy, so it worked out this way.

 

We are in MT now, and I had been suggesting that for about a year. We had what might be a breakthrough on Saturday, when my wife "got it" that rather than acknowleding when she had hurt me, at times, she would instead seek to explain herself and why I should not be hurt. This actually occurred in real time during the session (she said something hurtful, then went into this behavior) so it was timely. She is very intelligent and not malicious at all; she would not knowingly choose to hurt someone.

 

However, I did something uncalled for and really bad, having an SA last October/November. I sought to separate then and she talked me out of it. I had not yet told her. I sought to separate again in January with the same result. Finally in MT, with previous agreement from therapist, I told her of the SA last week and then moved out. The therapist asked me not to move everything out (I had a truck rented for my grill and tool chest) and I agreed only to take the bare necessities.

 

My wife forgives me. Whether she should or not, I don't know, but she does.

 

Here is the deal, and a question particularly for those who are separated or have been: I don't miss her. I don't miss my adult stepchild either, nor (and this surprises me more) my cat that has been with me longer than my wife. I don't wonder what she is doing. I don't miss her when I go to sleep or think of her. I do pray for her. I pray for a change of heart and am following the therapist's direction on some reading material. When we saw one another in MT it was nice, and we hugged good-bye, but she definitely leaned into me, and I did not lean into her.

 

If we divorce I will not abandon her financially. WE incurred debts over the seven years of marriage, and are working our way out of them. I don't mind living on the very cheap and paying off the whole of our accumulated debts, which would take about four to five years. If we divorce I am not looking for her to receive taxable alimony (though she is likely in a lower tax bracket due to mortgage interest/charitable deductions; it might make financial sense). I just want her not to be harmed financially by our union.

 

SO THE QUESTIONS FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE OR HAVE BEEN SEPARATED:

 

• Do you/did you miss your spouse when you separated?
  
• If you did not miss him/her at the beginning, did you come to miss him/her later?
  

I am in true NC with the AP. It would be wrong on so many levels to see her. I am still married, and there is no point in MT if I were to see her. It would be wrong for the AP.

 

My wife is in intelligent, diligent, loyal, giving (at least to her job and birth family!) and caring. I think that for the right man (I'm an east coast guy complete with that outlook; she comes from a midwest conservative christian home) she would be an excellent life parther. We have no shared financial assets, she owns the home and is solely on the mortgage, no children, so if we were to divorce, there would not be a lot of work; I can leave with my clothes, personal papers and computer (or its hard drive) and say good-bye to everything else, and be OK.

 

Perhaps I am devaluing the marriage by looking at it in such stark terms. We went through about three and a half years (of seven year marriage) where her relationship with her job and (perhaps) her parents/birth family consumed her to the point where I stopped trying to make my personal needs/hurts known. What I have learned is that when one withdraws to the point where the spouse cannot cause any hurt, then that same spouse has been deprived of the opportunity to cause blessing or joy or happiness. I don't know if a path back is possible.

 

Your thoughts? I have thick skin, so go ahead.

 

[Ingenue 2]

My older and wiser sister thinks that it is likely not unusual nor permanent that I do not miss her at this point.

[Philosoraptor]

Your older and wiser sister is correct. When relationships end the less connected partner usually is very strong out of the gate before they start to truly deal with things.

[2sunny]

Your writing style says a lot!

 

The "indifference" expressed toward your W and the M - shows you aren't in it. Your W mat very well be, more so than you, but too little too late... As you have now tasted what is possible (your affair) and your mind won't allow you to settle.

 

With that "disconnected" mindset - its best just to end it so that you both can have the opportunity to find what will bring happiness to your daily lives.

 

What's the point of MT now? Especially since you aren't intending to connect with her anymore...?

 

Be honest with her - that helps her to understand its over... And has been over for a long while.

 

I understand she ignored your needs - but YOU could have told her...and you didn't...instead you went outside the M and betrayed her. Find out why you didn't intend to be honest - instead hurting her behind her back. Nothing can make THAT right... Not even her neglect.

 

Grow from this - find out how to be an honest communicator moving forward.

[Spark1111]

Your writing style says a lot!

 

The "indifference" expressed toward your W and the M - shows you aren't in it. Your W mat very well be, more so than you, but too little too late... As you have now tasted what is possible (your affair) and your mind won't allow you to settle.

 

With that "disconnected" mindset - its best just to end it so that you both can have the opportunity to find what will bring happiness to your daily lives.

 

What's the point of MT now? Especially since you aren't intending to connect with her anymore...?

 

Be honest with her - that helps her to understand its over... And has been over for a long while.

 

I understand she ignored your needs - but YOU could have told her...and you didn't...instead you went outside the M and betrayed her. Find out why you didn't intend to be honest - instead hurting her behind her back. Nothing can make THAT right... Not even her neglect.

 

Grow from this - find out how to be an honest communicator moving forward.

 

2Sunny gave you great advice.

 

Here's the rub: Wherever you go, there you are.

 

This is the time to figure out you, unless you always want to bail on a relationship when it becomes EASIER to start a new one.

 

Because new is easy, fun, respectful and exciting.

 

So if you always want to start or find a new relationship, you are on the right track.

 

But after now two failed marriages, isn't time to investigate what you contribute to the failure?

 

Do you not communicate your needs adequately? Establish and voice boundaries with your partner? Avoid conflict at all costs? Give as much as you get?

 

Or do you not like messy? Run away when it gets difficult, or boring, or complacent?

 

I mean, no one is perfect and a solid, long-term intimate relationship doesn't just happen. It takes two people. working hard to keep it fine-tuned.

 

So why not tack on some IC and figure out you and how to be a better partner, either with this spouse you do not miss, or the next partner?

[Ingenue 2]

Why go to MT?

 

Because the OW and I have truly broken it off, so that we (my wife and I) might see if we can/should create a new relationship out of what we have, now that my wife is willing to go to MT (she was not in the past) and participate.

 

My wife wrote this today:

 

I came across an interesting thought today about conversation:

 

“Don’t approach someone you’ve just met like you’re holding an interview, pummeling him with questions about a job, schooling, etc. Your interactions are not about efficiency. They ought to be rooted in sincerity, with openness to wherever the moment and dialogue take you both.”

 

My mind flashed back to times when you’ve expressed feeling “interviewed” (read: “interrogated” or “cross-examined!”), like at the park that night. I suddenly realized (at least in part) how uncomfortable I’ve made you feel with my “Thompson (machine gun) Method.” Efficiency in interactions may be very effective on the job, but I believe it played a huge role in the erosion and destruction of our previous relationship – because efficiency does not allow for expression or acknowledgement of feelings. I’ve tried to “bullet point” our relationship – which is ludicrous! - because how can two people have a relationship without relating? I’ve hurt you deeply with this, and I am truly sorry. My desire is to become increasingly aware of how I’ve hurt you and to learn to relate to you in a way that is honest and nurturing to each of us. And to both of us.

 

This is a radical change from how things have been, when, after I had asked to talk, she would open her Droid (or sometimes a written pad) and have the bullet points of where we'd left off, etc., and want to run down them as if she were conducting a meeting.

 

This morning I (think I) missed her.

 

It's the sense that it took years to get to this point, and we do care about one another deeply/are willing to change where necessary, and perhaps some real time without any contact with my AP, coupled with what we are working on, will rekindle a tender attraction/connection that has long been missing.

 

We are there because of the sense that emotions, attachment and the like are not always permanent; so the fact that I feel no loss today may be a result more of my personality type and how I (attempt) to deal with problems, the one whose emotions often surface later on, rather than reflecting a permanent state.

 

Some have wisely said we need to doubt our doubts.

 

And all who have mentioned what I need to work on are correct. There is no excuse or "reason" for my adultery. I need to learn first to be more aware of my needs; then to make others who need to know of them aware; and to persist in that. I took a coward's path.

 

So those are the reasons why.

[Ingenue 2]

Spark,

 

I set up with "my" psychologist months ago (October), when I first began the affair, because I knew this was destructive behavior (to so many).

 

I've worked with her in the past. At the same time I again suggested MC but was rebuffed, and my wife admitted to feeling threatened by my going to IC again.

 

What I managed to do in this marriage was to out-enable someone who exhibits co-dependent tendencies herself. Maybe it was freeing to her not to have these burdens on her after her last marriage.

 

I would say the greatest single issue I have is establishing and "defending" appropriate boundaries. I am only now putting into practice taking care of myself, which actually lies at the root of my desire to separate. If I had never been adulterous, it still might have taken my leaving to for there to be any traction to examine things, and in truth, I had "tried" to leave (temporary, same town, rules/expectations) before that and I caved when my wife "talked sense into me."

 

So lots that is my fault, some that isn't, and no desire to screw up again.

[Ingenue 2]

So meeting her (wife) in a few minutes.

 

Actually excited about it. Scared, too.