Faith in Marriage

[TigerCub]

I have no faith in marriage.

 

It seems like everywhere I look (in real life, in fictional tv relationships, whatever), no one is really truly happy.

 

Well, I'm sure there are some happy people, but from what I see, the majority isn't really all that happy.

 

but ... here it is:

No one is perfect, so our partners (who we choose to marry) will never be 100% of what we want - I get that, I accept that.

 

But so say person A marries person B (and they are each other's Closest to perfect match) - then what?

- do they spend a lifetime with one another, knowing and feeling that there is a little something missing (because no one is a perfect match)

 

or do they just expect the other to fill a certain role in their life, and seek out the missing aspects (affairs or the more honest open marriage)?

 

I just have a very pessimistic view of the whole thing - its seems like getting things from different people is really how humans work, but the whole notion of monogamy tries so hard to deny that, and we as a society try so hard to make marriage and monogamy fit, but it doesn't usually.

 

I so want to believe that if my bf and I get married, we could have a happy life together and that we would work at it and not end up divorced, but is that really "natural" - to be in a very long term monogamous relationship where both partners actually do feel fulfilled?

 

It's like on Tv - they show these men (and women) who cheat on their partners (the partners are usually the caregiver to the kids, or the provider to the home) - but the WS cheat with someone completely different - leading to my conclusion that we have different people in our lives fill different roles, and people need more than one role filled.

 

I dunno if I'm explaining it well, but its just a very depressing idea.

 

Oh, also, with time people change and grow and who's to say that Person A and Person B will always be "Closest to Perfect" for one another as they were the day the got married?

 

Everything is so uncertain and there are so many variables, and I find that so distressing

 

Do people have faith in marriage anymore? If so, what gives you that faith? How do you still believe despite all the evidence to the contrary?

Edited February 20, 2012 by TigerCub

[frozensprouts]

maybe i view marriage differently than most...i don't look for my husband to complete me, as he can't...no one can.I have to do that myself. I can spend my whole life looking for that, but I'll never find it.

[TigerCub]

maybe i view marriage differently than most...i don't look for my husband to complete me, as he can't...no one can.I have to do that myself. I can spend my whole life looking for that, but I'll never find it.

 

I'm not talking about anyone completing anyone else.

I'm talking about them having all the things you want/need.

I know that's not possible, but if you agree to one partner, you know they're not going to give you everything you desire (I guess), so that guarantees that you will go without something you want in a partner.

 

And it also means that you are not giving them everything they desire, as well.

 

so it sounds like a tough pill to swallow.

[Bito]

Hence why I will never marry a Co Dependent women. The only way I figure a marriage can work is between two emotionally mature people who are happy with themselves as they are.

 

Because if your marrying someone to fill a gap in your life what happens when they stop filling that gap? You seek to fill it elsewhere...

 

I'm a very monogamous person and I hate the thought that most people really are only in a relationship for personal gain.

 

I get the feeling that most people don't love their SO. They only love the feeling they get when they are with them or what they get from them. The problem comes when those feelings change or they stop doing the little things.

 

Maybe im a fool or something but I feel like if your in love with someone you don't have a personal gain agenda to accomplish...

 

Does any of that make sense?

[TigerCub]

Hence why I will never marry a Co Dependent women. The only way I figure a marriage can work is between two emotionally mature people who are happy with themselves as they are.

 

Because if your marrying someone to fill a gap in your life what happens when they stop filling that gap? You seek to fill it elsewhere...

 

I'm not sure if my post came off wrong or what - but I'm not talking about someone completing someone else, or filling a gap that makes them whole, I'm talking about basic things people look for in a mate:

 

things like

-similar values

-common interest

-providing for one another

-same sexual appetite

-complete physical attraction - (your spouse is exactly the type you usually go for physically)

etc...

 

I don't think that every couple is completely 100% satisfied with every single criteria that they have on their list. - It has nothing to do with "am I feeling like a whole person" or not. Someone can feel completely secure in themselves and who they are and what they can accomplish, but that doesn't mean that there isn't anything lacking in their relationship with their partner.

 

I'm a very monogamous person and I hate the thought that most people really are only in a relationship for personal gain.

 

I get the feeling that most people don't love their SO. They only love the feeling they get when they are with them or what they get from them. The problem comes when those feelings change or they stop doing the little things.

That's a very sad thought.

I think that you could be right about it in some cases - its really sad, and only adds to my non-faith...

 

BUt how do you really separate loving someone from loving how you feel with them?

 

I love my boyfriend because he's a really good man, he's thoughtful, he's honest, he's smart, he's patient and loyal, he makes me laugh, he puts me at the top of his list, he's easy going, he's a good lover.

 

But those things contribute to my feeling good when I'm with him - does that mean that I only love how I feel with him, or do I love him for him?

 

How do you differentiate for sure between those?

 

Maybe im a fool or something but I feel like if your in love with someone you don't have a personal gain agenda to accomplish...

 

Does any of that make sense?

I agree with the above, but isn't being happy a gain?

like, I do things to make him happy, his reaction makes me happy, he does the same, so we are really gaining happiness from one another.

 

I can fully understand what you're saying if it came to financial gain, or status, or material gain, I totally can understand and agree with what you said, but what about things like happiness, security, companionship - are those not gains?

 

Thanks for you thoughts

[xxoo]

My H meets all my needs in a partner. Neither of us is perfect, but those imperfections don't mean dissatisfaction. There is nothing missing. I truly love him as he is.

 

Satisfaction has grown over the course of our marriage. It wasn't always so easy to love him as he is

[quankanne]

you're looking at it as if the relationship is completely static, as if there's no room for growth or changing your outlook, which pretty much dooms it, IMO.

 

you are not the same person you were at 4 or 13 or even 17; why should you or your partner be the exact same people you were when you met, compared to the day you married, 6 years married, 16 years married, etc? Your relationship is a living breathing thing, and at some point both of you wise up and realize that what allows you to keep it alive and growing is that you grow as it grows. Meaning, your opinions and ideas and views mature with experience, and those "things" you felt were missing are non-issues in the overall scheme of things.

 

monogamy isn't hard, really ... it's about finding that person you're willing to make that leap of faith with, and who you're willing to practice the art of compromise with simply because you realize this relationship is different than anything else you've known before, and because you've got a sure feeling about the person who is in it with you. Sure he's gonna screw up, as will she ... key is to be open to love and forgiveness and compromise so that you can *both* grow.

 

if one of you isn't willing to commit these things ... well, you're in the wrong place.

[TigerCub]

you're looking at it as if the relationship is completely static, as if there's no room for growth or changing your outlook, which pretty much dooms it, IMO.[/Quote]

Actually I'm not, because I said this in my initial post

"Oh, also, with time people change and grow and who's to say that Person A and Person B will always be "Closest to Perfect" for one another as they were the day the got married?"

 

you are not the same person you were at 4 or 13 or even 17; why should you or your partner be the exact same people you were when you met, compared to the day you married, 6 years married, 16 years married, etc? Your relationship is a living breathing thing, and at some point both of you wise up and realize that what allows you to keep it alive and growing is that you grow as it grows. Meaning, your opinions and ideas and views mature with experience, and those "things" you felt were missing are non-issues in the overall scheme of things.

But that's it, people do change over time, who can say that they grow in the same direction?

 

monogamy isn't hard, really ... it's about finding that person you're willing to make that leap of faith with, and who you're willing to practice the art of compromise with simply because you realize this relationship is different than anything else you've known before, and because you've got a sure feeling about the person who is in it with you. Sure he's gonna screw up, as will she ... key is to be open to love and forgiveness and compromise so that you can *both* grow.

 

if one of you isn't willing to commit these things ... well, you're in the wrong place.

I like and agree what you said above.

 

Thanks for the input.

[Woggle]

I don't have much faith in marriage either but I still got married because my wife is one of those rare people that actually will be true to the commitment. All that matters is the two people in the couple.

 

Also people these days who marry and stay true to their vows are sort of the new counter culture and I like going against the grain.

[TigerCub]

I don't have much faith in marriage either but I still got married because my wife is one of those rare people that actually will be true to the commitment. All that matters is the two people in the couple.

 

Also people these days who marry and stay true to their vows are sort of the new counter culture and I like going against the grain.

 

Thanks Woggle, I appreciate your thoughts on this

[TigerCub]

My H meets all my needs in a partner. Neither of us is perfect, but those imperfections don't mean dissatisfaction. There is nothing missing. I truly love him as he is.

 

Satisfaction has grown over the course of our marriage. It wasn't always so easy to love him as he is

 

Your posts about your M are always so inspiring - thanks xxoo

[xxoo]

Glad I can inspire This board needs some inspiration!

 

I have a little more time now, and I wanted to comment on your list here...

 

I'm talking about basic things people look for in a mate:

 

things like

-similar values

-common interest

-providing for one another

-same sexual appetite

-complete physical attraction - (your spouse is exactly the type you usually go for physically)

etc...

 

similar values--we share the biggies. Neither of us has super-strong beliefs that conflict with the other. OTOH, we don't agree on everything, and that's ok. We don't have to. We can coexist with different opinions. We can even offer our children two opinions. It's ok! And, I think, it is a healthy example of respect for our kids to see.

 

common interest--we share enough interests. We don't share nearly all. I could talk about relationships all day long, lol, and he hates it! So I get on LS and talk here, giving him a damned break

 

providing--we support each other. This is a dealbreaker. We are a team, period. This goes beyond monetary support, of course.

 

sex--very compatible in attitude. Drive, too, but attitude is more important, imo. When are drives are off, our attitudes make up for it.

 

physical attraction--I really believe that the person you fall in love with, and have amazing sex with, will be gorgeous in your eyes. My H isn't physically perfect (neither am I), but I couldn't be more attracted. Losing his hair, for one example, hasn't affected my attraction to him one bit. And I didn't think his build was particularly "hot" when I met him, but now it makes me think of hot, hot sex

[xxoo]

One more thought!

 

When you talk about "perfect" and something "missing", could it be because you've had other partners who were better at x, or were more attractive in y way?

 

Are you looking for an amalgamation of your partners' best parts, in one man?

[make me believe]

I'm not talking about anyone completing anyone else.

I'm talking about them having all the things you want/need.

I know that's not possible, but if you agree to one partner, you know they're not going to give you everything you desire (I guess), so that guarantees that you will go without something you want in a partner.

 

And it also means that you are not giving them everything they desire, as well.

 

so it sounds like a tough pill to swallow.

 

This line of thinking doesn't make sense to me. I don't hold my husband responsible for giving me everything I desire because I don't believe I am ENTITLED to everything I desire. See I think this kind of attitude is exactly why many marriages fail. People today think that they deserve EVERYTHING they want and shouldn't have to sacrifice anything. Just because you want something doesn't mean you are entitled to it, and doesn't mean that your life is any less worthwhile because you don't have it. If you really feel that a marriage would be unfullfilling because your husband can't be everything that you want & need, then I'm glad you recognize that because you should not get married if that's the case.

[denise_xo]

Here's kind of my take on it...

 

- You (general you, not only you TC) need to think through which areas of compatibility is most important to you, since as you say, no one is a 'perfect match'

- Then you need to think of the marriage as an institution, rather than just an expression of love. I think for a lot of couples, there will be shorter or longer period of time where you feel that you 'fall out of love', that marriage is routine etc. So you need to want to be part of marriage as a form of organising your life which feels superior to alternatives (e.g. being single), and not just because you're 'in love' with someone

- third, discuss with your partner while you're still in the honey moon phase strategies for renewing your marriage and staying connected in the long term, acknowledging up front that it involves a lot of proactive work.

 

I don't really have 'faith' in marriage. I just view it as one way of organising your life out of many others, and you need consider if the advantages of being married outweigh the alternatives.

Edited February 21, 2012 by denise_xo

[oldguy]

I have no faith in marriage.

 

It seems like everywhere I look (in real life, in fictional tv relationships, whatever), no one is really truly happy.

 

Well, I'm sure there are some happy people, but from what I see, the majority isn't really all that happy.

 

but ... here it is:

No one is perfect, so our partners (who we choose to marry) will never be 100% of what we want - I get that, I accept that.

 

But so say person A marries person B (and they are each other's Closest to perfect match) - then what?

- do they spend a lifetime with one another, knowing and feeling that there is a little something missing (because no one is a perfect match)

 

or do they just expect the other to fill a certain role in their life, and seek out the missing aspects (affairs or the more honest open marriage)?

 

Even if 2 people are; "perfect" by ones measure people change, frequently & throughout our lives. This is good & bad; bad because if left on it's own we will generally grow apart until one day one says to the other, "I don't even know who you are anymore". It's a good thing however because, I believe that even if we get it close to begin with when it comes to comparability we can grow a much better relationship than we started with.The spark that lights the fire is very concentrate but brief. The fire is what is intense & if properly fulled and tended too is what lasts, or if neglected extinguishes.

 

We so carefully look for "the perfect match" believing that when we find it time will stand still forever & nothing will ever change or tarnish. Well everything changes & we become lazy & complacent. After all, what we see in a 90 minute movie is what many model their lives on. And thank God we do change. Can you imagine the monotony if we didn't?

 

I just have a very pessimistic view of the whole thing - its seems like getting things from different people is really how humans work, but the whole notion of monogamy tries so hard to deny that, and we as a society try so hard to make marriage and monogamy fit, but it doesn't usually.

I understand what you are saying but there have been grand social experiments throughout the ages including a sort of, "free love" movement of the 1960's early '70's that proved we don't do so well in that sort of environment. And there have been too many writing both literary & social science papers to even get into here but when it all comes down to it; this thought is not new, it has been repeating itself, I suspect, over the ages & so far it just doesn't work that well over all. However we do seem to SUCK and building & maintaining relationships. I've heard it suggested that is because it is low on our priority list & that we are just in it for the instant gratification. I sort of think it has something more to do with not knowing how. If we are going to be the roll models for our children with the divorce rate what its at, God help them.

 

I so want to believe that if my bf and I get married, we could have a happy life together and that we would work at it and not end up divorced, but is that really "natural" - to be in a very long term monogamous relationship where both partners actually do feel fulfilled?

 

I've heard a BS suggestion that "it's because we live longer", we just aren't meant to be together THAT long:laugh: most divorces happen in our 30's & very few happen after 50.

 

I don't think people go into it with realistic expectations, in fact I know they don't. Where do we learn it from? Parents, who's increasing numbers of divorces as well as unhealthy marriages that do survive is our primary reference of "how it's done" & if our parents marriage was flawed that's the standard we are left with. Next we look to our friends parents which in most cases are no better off than our parents are. And finally we turn to television & movie as our roll models and wonder why most of us can't maintain a healthy relationships.

 

 

It's like on Tv - they show these men (and women) who cheat on their partners (the partners are usually the caregiver to the kids, or the provider to the home) - but the WS cheat with someone completely different - leading to my conclusion that we have different people in our lives fill different roles, and people need more than one role filled.

TV & movies; now there is a GREAT blueprint for healthy relationships:rolleyes:

 

I dunno if I'm explaining it well, but its just a very depressing idea.

 

Oh, also, with time people change and grow and who's to say that Person A and Person B will always be "Closest to Perfect" for one another as they were the day the got married?

 

Again; yes they do, but we have some choice in how we grow, the dicisions we make that will ultimatly form our habbits & the people we become so that hopefully we will grow. Now this doesn't mean some D-Bag is going to magically transform into a prince one day or that anyone should put up with all the crap in anticipation. No, you need to be particular about the type of person to begin with. A good foundation, but to do that you need to be good foundations themselves, not one with issues of their own that need to be worked out first. Get your act together & don't move into a relationship with baggage, take care of yourself first & iron out your issues before contaminating a relationship with them.

 

Everything is so uncertain and there are so many variables, and I find that so distressing

No one can give anyone a guarantee that a relationship will work but most of us know full well what will wreck one & not working on it, not making it one of your passions will almost certainly guarantee one won't work.

 

Do people have faith in marriage anymore? If so, what gives you that faith? How do you still believe despite all the evidence to the contrary?

 

My ex & I where very happily married for all but about 2 years of more than 20 years & after that relationship ended, do mostly to mutual complacency that didn't survive a sudden change, I was convinced I would never marry again. Didn't want to, didn't need to. After the sting of divorce I was very happy with who I was & the life I had. I enjoyed dating much more in my 40's than I ever had before btw:) And then I meet this awesome woman, both of us had raised children so that wasn't a reason to get married. Both of us are very comfortable with who we are independent of one another. Neither of us had a good reason to get married other than a whole commitment to each other. A commitment, albeit symbolically, maybe. But a commitment to each other to build something we found together into something even better; a relationship between two people who enjoy being around one another enough that it makes working on maintaining that relationship, that happiness & contentment, a passion in itself. Not to mentions the sex is even better with someone you love.

 

I don't know if marriage is good for people, I think it might be if we didn't suck at it so bad. If we realized the wedding isn't a magic key or even a crap shoot, as some I think believe, but a project of passion entered into by both parties & placed it at the top of our priority list "every single day". I think then marriage has a shot. But the rewards are something else we don't get to see much of either in life or the movies. Marriage/a relationship isn't a thing as much as a process.

[OpenBook]

I don't know if marriage is good for people, I think it might be if we didn't suck at it so bad.

 

:D Well said! Sums it up perfectly, in my book.

[oldguy]

:D Well said! Sums it up perfectly, in my book.

Thank you, thank you very much

 

I think the reason we suck at it is because we don't put much effort into it & when we do it's either misguided or one sided. There are plenty of examples of how it fails but not so many of how it works.

 

We get married, one day, then we get on with our lives until one day it all comes crashing down around us & then sit there in the rubble asking what happened. I think to most people who ask that question, "what happened", THAT is what happened; they set the cruise control & took a nap.

Edited February 21, 2012 by oldguy

[xxoo]

We get married, one day, then we get on with our lives until one day it all comes crashing down around us & then sit there in the rubble asking what happened. I think to most people who ask that question, "what happened", THAT is what happened; they set the cruise control & took a nap.

 

Integral in this, I think, is the reality that we can't have it all. It is impossible to do everything at a high performance level.

 

Take a couple with two challenging, demanding, high paying jobs....add hobbies that consume half a day a week....add kids and their highly scheduled lives.....add the standard upper-middle set of "stuff" to maintain (big homes, vehicles)....something has got to give. Often, after the initial honeymoon stage, that "something" is the primary romantic relationship. Each person is going a million miles an hour, running parallel lives, and this is considered normal, and even expected, in suburban society today.

 

My H and I opt out of a lot of that, prioritizing time together (and with our kids) over stuff and costly activities. For us, it has paid off in joy, if not riches

[TigerCub]

This line of thinking doesn't make sense to me. I don't hold my husband responsible for giving me everything I desire because I don't believe I am ENTITLED to everything I desire. See I think this kind of attitude is exactly why many marriages fail. People today think that they deserve EVERYTHING they want and shouldn't have to sacrifice anything. Just because you want something doesn't mean you are entitled to it, and doesn't mean that your life is any less worthwhile because you don't have it. If you really feel that a marriage would be unfullfilling because your husband can't be everything that you want & need, then I'm glad you recognize that because you should not get married if that's the case.

 

what you said is really interesting.

I don't think having wants means feeling entitled, but it seems to me like a lot of people look for what's missing. Maybe it is a sense of entitlement, but maybe its a longing for something.

 

From what I understand (correct if I'm wrong), you're pretty much saying that people should just be happy with what they have, and wanting more is because they feel entitled to it, but to make a marriage work, people should just make peace with the fact that no one has everything they want.

[TigerCub]

Here's kind of my take on it...

 

- You (general you, not only you TC) need to think through which areas of compatibility is most important to you, since as you say, no one is a 'perfect match'

- Then you need to think of the marriage as an institution, rather than just an expression of love. I think for a lot of couples, there will be shorter or longer period of time where you feel that you 'fall out of love', that marriage is routine etc. So you need to want to be part of marriage as a form of organising your life which feels superior to alternatives (e.g. being single), and not just because you're 'in love' with someone

- third, discuss with your partner while you're still in the honey moon phase strategies for renewing your marriage and staying connected in the long term, acknowledging up front that it involves a lot of proactive work.

 

I don't really have 'faith' in marriage. I just view it as one way of organising your life out of many others, and you need consider if the advantages of being married outweigh the alternatives.

 

I like the way you see it and how you explain it - that helps.

 

Thanks Denise

[donnamaybe]

The success of a marriage has nothing to do with the fact that it's a marriage, so it isn't marriage that is the problem. It is the two people in the marriage. Maybe they don't belong together.

[TigerCub]

I understand what you are saying but there have been grand social experiments throughout the ages including a sort of, "free love" movement of the 1960's early '70's that proved we don't do so well in that sort of environment. And there have been too many writing both literary & social science papers to even get into here but when it all comes down to it; this thought is not new, it has been repeating itself, I suspect, over the ages & so far it just doesn't work that well over all. However we do seem to SUCK and building & maintaining relationships. I've heard it suggested that is because it is low on our priority list & that we are just in it for the instant gratification. I sort of think it has something more to do with not knowing how. If we are going to be the roll models for our children with the divorce rate what its at, God help them.

 

I'm sure that there is truth to that, I guess I'll have to read up some more on it. It just strikes me that people want variety and people want different mates and different needs met from different people, or else - why do affairs happen?

 

I've heard a BS suggestion that "it's because we live longer", we just aren't meant to be together THAT long:laugh: most divorces happen in our 30's & very few happen after 50.

haha, funny thing is, I've said something to that effect before - "forever is a long time these days, what with medical advances and all"

but I do really see your point.

 

I don't think people go into it with realistic expectations, in fact I know they don't. Where do we learn it from? Parents, who's increasing numbers of divorces as well as unhealthy marriages that do survive is our primary reference of "how it's done" & if our parents marriage was flawed that's the standard we are left with. Next we look to our friends parents which in most cases are no better off than our parents are. And finally we turn to television & movie as our roll models and wonder why most of us can't maintain a healthy relationships.

Truer words haven't been spoken, I fully agree. It seems like we're fumbling in the dark, everyone is and trying to make things work.

That's exactly where all my doubt comes from - seeing the poor examples around me. I'm just terrified to end up another poor example, I guess.

 

 

TV & movies; now there is a GREAT blueprint for healthy relationships:rolleyes:

Sure Tv stories are fictional and dramatized for effect, but where do these "ideas" and stories really come from?

 

Again; yes they do, but we have some choice in how we grow, the dicisions we make that will ultimatly form our habbits & the people we become so that hopefully we will grow. Now this doesn't mean some D-Bag is going to magically transform into a prince one day or that anyone should put up with all the crap in anticipation. No, you need to be particular about the type of person to begin with. A good foundation, but to do that you need to be good foundations themselves, not one with issues of their own that need to be worked out first. Get your act together & don't move into a relationship with baggage, take care of yourself first & iron out your issues before contaminating a relationship with them.

 

No one can give anyone a guarantee that a relationship will work but most of us know full well what will wreck one & not working on it, not making it one of your passions will almost certainly guarantee one won't work.

Agree with all that in bold.

 

 

My ex & I where very happily married for all but about 2 years of more than 20 years & after that relationship ended, do mostly to mutual complacency that didn't survive a sudden change, I was convinced I would never marry again. Didn't want to, didn't need to. After the sting of divorce I was very happy with who I was & the life I had. I enjoyed dating much more in my 40's than I ever had before btw:) And then I meet this awesome woman, both of us had raised children so that wasn't a reason to get married. Both of us are very comfortable with who we are independent of one another. Neither of us had a good reason to get married other than a whole commitment to each other. A commitment, albeit symbolically, maybe. But a commitment to each other to build something we found together into something even better; a relationship between two people who enjoy being around one another enough that it makes working on maintaining that relationship, that happiness & contentment, a passion in itself. Not to mentions the sex is even better with someone you love.

 

aaawww, I love what you wrote, and I'm really glad for you that you found that with someone special.

 

I don't know if marriage is good for people, I think it might be if we didn't suck at it so bad. If we realized the wedding isn't a magic key or even a crap shoot, as some I think believe, but a project of passion entered into by both parties & placed it at the top of our priority list "every single day". I think then marriage has a shot. But the rewards are something else we don't get to see much of either in life or the movies. Marriage/a relationship isn't a thing as much as a process.

haha, yeah I guess we do suck at it

thank you for all you wrote, your answers give me inspiration, they're realistic and yet hopeful and I feel a little better after reading them.

 

Thanks oldguy, you are a wise one

[TigerCub]

The success of a marriage has nothing to do with the fact that it's a marriage, so it isn't marriage that is the problem. It is the two people in the marriage. Maybe they don't belong together.

 

That's true for a lot of cases, I think.

I do believe that sometimes people marry for the wrong reasons as well.

 

Thanks Donna

[TigerCub]

One more thought!

 

When you talk about "perfect" and something "missing", could it be because you've had other partners who were better at x, or were more attractive in y way?

 

Are you looking for an amalgamation of your partners' best parts, in one man?

 

Oooh, that's an interesting question.

I don't compare him to others, but if I were to, yeah I guess there are things he does better than others, but I've been with others that bring 'x' to the table where he doesn't, like they do.

 

I know for sure (even if he 's never said it) that he's been with girls that are the same to him, have x, while I have y, etc...

 

I always thought that was normal - is it not?

 

As for looking for an amalgamation, I'm not, I love what makes him him. I just worry about the future because of a lot of "examples" that say long term commitments are usually doomed.