independent woman

[kaylan]

You must be a girl to ask this question.

 

Of course they are not turned off by an independent woman. That is a man's dream. A woman that works and pays hopefully for half of all the expenses.

 

In my case, I want to never work a day in my life and I want a man to support me. That is my dream in life. And to find love.

 

Good thing that I converted to Islam where: The husband has to meet his legal responsibility to provide full maintenance of the wife; in turn, the wife should ensure that the duties as wife and mother are performed to the best of her abilities.

 

So maybe that way I will get lucky. I'll just have to make myself more attractive and maybe a Muslim man will be interested.

Not sure if srs

 

Lmao...lazy much?. Whatever works for you I guess though. Trust me, its a lot harder to find love when you are more focused on what a guy can do for you financially.

 

And lmao @ the Islam thing. Former Muslim speaking here, with a few friends who still worship Allah...You better make sure you do your wifely duties. And God forbid the relationship hit the rocks, because divorce is HIGHLY frowned upon and rarely happens outside of Muslim families living in the West. Even then its still super rare, and folks end up sticking out a marriage they arent happy in just because they feel obligated to do so. Not fun.

Edited February 21, 2012 by kaylan

[Ariadne]

And lmao @ the Islam thing. Former Muslim speaking here, with a few friends who still worship Allah...You better make sure you do your wifely duties. And God forbid the relationship hit the rocks, because divorce is HIGHLY frowned upon and rarely happens outside of Muslim families living in the West. Even then its still super rare, and folks end up sticking out a marriage they arent happy in just because they feel obligated to do so. Not fun.

 

Yes, Islam got it right, that is why is the last revelation of God.

 

It establishes the roles, where women can work only if they want to but they don't need to.

[Ariadne]

Trust me, its a lot harder to find love when you are more focused on what a guy can do for you financially.

 

(Btw, the men that I've fallen in love deeply with in the past have been successful and perfectly capable of supporting me. I'm just not very lucky with love though).

[kaylan]

Yes, Islam got it right, that is why is the last revelation of God.

 

It establishes the roles, where women can work only if they want to but they don't need to.

Eh, whatever works for you. Im an Atheist now myself. I dont know any other ex-Muslims though, so Im kind of a rarity.

 

If you are dead set on not working, you might do better to try and find a mate in a more conservative Muslim society. Itd increase your dating pool anyways, seeing as how Muslims are not sposed to wed non Muslims

 

(Btw, the men that I've fallen in love deeply with in the past have been successful and perfectly capable of supporting me. I'm just not very lucky with love though).

 

What happens if you fall for a guy who doesnt believe in a woman sitting at home all day? What if he believes adults should be self sustaining and work?

 

Or is your love conditional on whether a guy will financially support you?

 

What if he does not worship nor believe in Allah...but your heart feels drawn to him anyways?

[Ariadne]

Im an Atheist now myself. I dont know any other ex-Muslims though, so Im kind of a rarity.

 

Be careful with that, you know that turning your back on Islam means death.

 

You can repent only once and be a Muslim again (I'll say duas for you, Inshallah!) but if you turn your back again then there is no forgiveness.

 

 

I converted a few months ago but haven't been looking for a man or spreading the word.

 

I could marry a non Muslim as long as he converts (since I can only marry a Muslim man now). In that case no worries with the support.

 

Salam!

[somedude81]

Going way off-topic here, but

 

What the fu*k?!

Be careful with that, you know that turning your back on Islam means death.

 

You can repent only once and be a Muslim again (I'll say duas for you, Inshallah!) but if you turn your back again then there is no forgiveness.

 

 

I converted a few months ago but haven't been looking for a man or spreading the word.

 

I could marry a non Muslim as long as he converts (since I can only marry a Muslim man now). In that case no worries with the support.

 

Salam!

[Sanman]

All these points are not applicable to me because I have no intention of seriously dating anyone anyways. I would never expect anyone to spend any money moving to be near me. I don't want to move in with anyone and don't intend to; I prefer living alone indefinitely.

 

Well then, it is not a problem for you. However, going back to the OP and what I was talking about, I would not consider you for a serious relationship for these reasons.

[denise_xo]

Be careful with that, you know that turning your back on Islam means death.

 

You can repent only once and be a Muslim again (I'll say duas for you, Inshallah!) but if you turn your back again then there is no forgiveness.

 

 

I converted a few months ago but haven't been looking for a man or spreading the word.

 

I could marry a non Muslim as long as he converts (since I can only marry a Muslim man now). In that case no worries with the support.

 

Salam!

 

Ariadne, have you become a Salafi?

[kaylan]

Be careful with that, you know that turning your back on Islam means death.

 

You can repent only once and be a Muslim again (I'll say duas for you, Inshallah!) but if you turn your back again then there is no forgiveness.

 

Im fully aware that in conservative Islamic society that apostasy is one of the greatest sins. However, its sheer ignorance and stupidity to condemn someone to death because of their basic right to freedom of religion. I know not all Muslims believe in such a fate, but for those who do, its outright silly, especially considering it makes them no better than the Christians who wished them death during the Crusades when they wouldnt convert.

 

This is why I feel a more secular society will always be better than conservative religious societies. People actually get the freedom to live their lives as they want, as long as it doesnt harm others. My religious beliefs are of no concern to anyone else.

 

Luckily I live in the West, and the Muslim friends I have here do not agree with the super conservative religious views of some Islamic societies. They believe in freedom and democracy...which is why the Arab spring uprisings occurred. Many modern day Muslims are sick of these ultra conservative dictatorships.

 

Anyways, moving on.

I converted a few months ago but haven't been looking for a man or spreading the word.

 

I could marry a non Muslim as long as he converts (since I can only marry a Muslim man now). In that case no worries with the support.

 

Salam!

But what I am asking you is this: What happens if you fall in love with a non Muslim who has no intent to convert. Ive actually heard of such couples from talking to friends, granted both people are usually not super religious.

 

Ive fallen for chicks in the past who I didnt think Id fall for at all. Stuff happens.

 

W'alaikum Assalam

Edited February 21, 2012 by kaylan

[soserious1]

I see. I have also been the breadwinner/ provided the sole income in a relationship, but I still considered financial decisions to be shared and I would consult with my partner on any major purchase (500 would be major for me). It's not that I consider 'his money' to be 'my money'. I have been brought up to be financially independent, and always have been, so I don't expect a man to provide for me. But I do expect financial decisions to be discussed in a relationship, but that's just my personal preference.

 

Having to go stand in front of my ex-husband & explain why I NEEDED to spend my own money on myself ( and he used to put me through hoops over this) when I was the sole bread winner used to make me feel like crap.

 

I pay for all my own bills, I pay for ALL the costs associated with my dates these days but share my money in a relationship? never again.

[denise_xo]

I would never want to move in with a guy and would never date someone who lives far apart.

 

However, I STILL do not believe that you need to ask for permission to spend your own money if dating and not living together. Do YOU "consult" with your gf when you spend over $500 on yourself?

 

I personally distinguish between 'asking for permission' and 'consulting/discussing with'. For me, it's not at all about one partner 'permitting' the other to spend money, it's about strengthening a common future and a partnership by making financial decisions together. Personally, I wouldn't feel the need to do that unless I was in a serious relationship, but I guess some people get pretty serious before they actually move in together.

[soserious1]

That is a very limited view of things and can limit how far a relationship goes. What if you are saving for a place to live together? What if one of you must sacrifice job opportunities to be near the other? Is it fair for me to take a $10k pay cut to move down to where my gf is if it is just her money or should I just break up with her if a more lucrative job opportunity arises?

 

I'd breakup with her... rule #1 never,ever screw yourself over in the long term for the sake of a "relationship"

[Ariadne]

Ariadne, have you become a Salafi?

 

I just consider myself Muslim and part of the Ummah.

 

What happens if you fall in love with a non Muslim who has no intent to convert.

 

W'alaikum Assalam

 

I haven't gotten there yet. But you know that opening someone's eyes to the ways of Allah (swt) and to Islam which is the right religion, is the greatest Jihad and one that will bring you the best rewards.

 

W'alaikum Assalam Wa Rahmatullahi

[denise_xo]

Having to go stand in front of my ex-husband & explain why I NEEDED to spend my own money on myself ( and he used to put me through hoops over this) when I was the sole bread winner used to make me feel like crap.

 

I pay for all my own bills, I pay for ALL the costs associated with my dates these days but share my money in a relationship? never again.

 

Sure, I understand that and I would feel the same. In the post you quoted I wasn't referring to the kind of situation you are describing where one partner is putting the other through hoops over basic purchases. I'm talking about consulting and discussing with your partner about purchases of several hundred dollars. I personally have good experiences with this, as in both of my LTRs I've been with partners with similar attitudes to money.

[soserious1]

I personally distinguish between 'asking for permission' and 'consulting/discussing with'. For me, it's not at all about one partner 'permitting' the other to spend money, it's about strengthening a common future and a partnership by making financial decisions together. Personally, I wouldn't feel the need to do that unless I was in a serious relationship, but I guess some people get pretty serious before they actually move in together.

 

Please, I was the only person in my house working toward the so called "common future" I'll be damned if I'm going to sit there like a good lil'lwifey & "discuss" how I spend my earnings ever again.

 

 

I'm the only one who has to get up every morning to go to a job? All the bills come addressed to me? I'll be deciding how & when the money I earn will be spent.

[denise_xo]

Please, I was the only person in my house working toward the so called "common future" I'll be damned if I'm going to sit there like a good lil'l

mouthed wifey & "discuss" how I spend my earnings ever again.

 

I'm the only one who has to get up every morning to go to a job? All the bills come addressed to me? I'll be deciding how & when the money I earn will be spent.

 

Like I said in my previous post, I understand why your situation wasn't good and I agree. I'm just saying that IME discussing expenses with a partner can be a very positive experience, but it requires two people to have a similar outlook on expenses and a mutually supportive attitude. I'm sorry that wasn't the context in your relationship, but it doesn't mean that it can't be different for others.

[soserious1]

Sure, I understand that and I would feel the same. In the post you quoted I wasn't referring to the kind of situation you are describing where one partner is putting the other through hoops over basic purchases. I'm talking about consulting and discussing with your partner about purchases of several hundred dollars. I personally have good experiences with this, as in both of my LTRs I've been with partners with similar attitudes to money.

 

I have no desire to "consult" with anyone as to how i spend my money, nor do I have the desire to co-mingle money or real estate with anyone, what's his is his, what's mine is mine and never again shall the two be combined.

[denise_xo]

A few hundred dollars is not a lot of money. It's like having to "consult" with someone before buying something small. I'm not a child; I don't have to consult with someone every time I spend on myself.

 

I spend hundreds of dollars on myself ALL the time. Do I need to consult every single time? It's like having to "consult" before you buy a cup of coffee. Are you serious?

 

Maybe it isn't to you, but it is to me and my H. A cup of coffee is a bit cheaper where I live and I definitely can't spend hundreds of dollars on myself all the time.

[denise_xo]

I have no desire to "consult" with anyone as to how i spend my money, nor do I have the desire to co-mingle money or real estate with anyone, what's his is his, what's mine is mine and never again shall the two be combined.

 

That's perfectly fine. Who has said that you have to?

[soserious1]

Like I said in my previous post, I understand why your situation wasn't good and I agree. I'm just saying that IME discussing expenses with a partner can be a very positive experience, but it requires two people to have a similar outlook on expenses and a mutually supportive attitude. I'm sorry that wasn't the context in your relationship, but it doesn't mean that it can't be different for others.

 

Anybody male or female who's footing 100 % of the bills in a relationship & then also bought into the need to dutifully "report" to their non-breading spouse to get their purchases approved is a sucker IMHO. I've been there, done that & frankly the only thing it does is to strengthen the control of the non bread winning spouse & hammer the bread winner into submission.

[denise_xo]

Anybody male or female who's footing 100 % of the bills in a relationship & then also bought into the need to dutifully "report" to their non-breading spouse to get their purchases approved is a sucker IMHO. I've been there, done that & frankly the only thing it does is to strengthen the control of the non bread winning spouse & hammer the bread winner into submission.

 

Well, I don't feel like a sucker. If you think I am, that's your POV and not mine. Our arrangement works very well for us.

[soserious1]

Personally I spend hundreds of dollars on myself ALL the time. I'm sure as heck not going to consult with someone else every single time. I can easily drop that much buying makeup on one day in Sephora. And then on clothes the next. However; I make a good income and it is MY money. My money; My biz.

 

Im so happy to be single and hope to stay that way forever. I cannot imagine having to be in a relationship and dealing with this crap and consulting with anyone. Being single and having lots of your own money is the best!

 

LOL, I just ordered a new computer monitor that ran me over 1K & didn't have to sit here & have to justify my purchase or ask permission from anyone. Being fiscally independent is the ****z

[kaylan]

I just consider myself Muslim and part of the Ummah.

 

 

 

I haven't gotten there yet. But you know that opening someone's eyes to the ways of Allah (swt) and to Islam which is the right religion, is the greatest Jihad and one that will bring you the best rewards.

 

W'alaikum Assalam Wa Rahmatullahi

Of course you part of the Ummah, and I find your devotion to Allah very admirable. Religion just isnt part of my path in life, though I fully respect everyones beliefs even if I do not share them. Also, its not in my place to discern which religion is right or wrong for someone, so forgive me if any of my early comments were disrespectful.

 

Faith is ever powerful and gives many people strength and purpose in life. The greatest calling of any religious person is to spread their beliefs so I understand your duty.

 

Also, I thank you for your blessings sister. Peace be with you.

[soserious1]

Well, I don't feel like a sucker. If you think I am, that's your POV and not mine. Our arrangement works very well for us.

 

Good for you, I'll never stand in front of a man ever again to ask permission to spend my own earnings, I found it demeaning as hell.

[binny]

Perhaps I should clarify what I mean by being independent!

 

To me, being independent means that I can support myself financially, I can do DIY, I can fix things, etc.. This doesn't mean that I can do everything by myself, for example I can't move big heavy furniture by myself. Also being independent doesn't mean that when you need emotional or financial support you can't ask for help. If I needed financial help, I will ensure I would ALWAYS pay the person back as soon as I can. Having friends who you can talk to about your troubles has nothing to do with independence imo.

 

Just because a woman doesn't need a man, this doesn't mean she doesn't want a man.

 

I have friends whose sole goal in life has been to get married and have kids. Although there is nothing wrong with their choice, to me they arent independent. They need a guy. They can't stand on their own two feet.

 

I've had similar experiences to other female posters in that men get intimidated if I am doing better. When I was a student I dated a guy in my class (BIG MISTAKE!!!) and he always used to get angry when I got better marks than him in all our exams!

 

Ariadne, I wish you all the luck in the world because I think you need it! After having lived in an Arab country I wouldn't advise marrying a conservative muslim man.. They have absolutely no respect for females. I can't even begin to describe some of the sh*t that I went through while I lived and worked there. But whatever makes you happy.. Everyone is different! Just curious though, what made you convert to islam?