Bradly Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 (edited) Hi everyone, I have been SO lost lately and have no one to talk to. I am a member of other forums about specific motorcycles and cars and we relate to things well there. Then it hit me today there must be other people going through the same thing. So im here. Wow! I can't believe how many stories are just like mine. I never been through anything this tuff in my life and I need to talk about it. I tried a therapist but it didn't make me fell any better, just more angry at my wife. And I think my sister is exhausted about it all. My story: (it's long so I'll try keep it short) I've been married for almost 14 years and been together for 18 years. We have two boys 10 and 12. Six years ago my wife and I were sitting on a beach and i confronted her about being so cold and distant to me lately. She said I don't do enough around the house and with the kids. I didn't take it serious enough at the time. At the time I knew I was 10 times a better Husband and father than mine was. I did all the man things around the house, I even fed and changed the babies, gave her alone time when she needed it. Not much longer after that my mom died. She was sad about it but still continued to basically ignore me. So this where I screwed up. I started looking for attention and found some with my high school girlfriend. We started chatting and sending pis back and forth. Then we started talking on the phone. Well my wife found the pics on the computer. We stayed together and worked out some issues but our relationship was never the same. She started Nursing school and we continued to grow apart over time. We just coexisted until now. Present time: Last September I received a strange text from her. Very steamy and romantic. It didn't make any sense to me. She said she was feeling frisky that night. I was very suspicious so I looked on the wireless bill and found about 6000 texts to some striange number in another state. I confronted her and that's when she told me its her ex from high school and she's been unhappy for a long time and is no longer in love with me. They no long speak, I think. I felt i deserved it, but I freaked out and thought it was over. She says she doesn't want a divorce. She just needs to find that love for me she used to have. She was very clear about all the things I did in the marriage that was making her feel resentfully. I discoverd I was also resentful. I instantly started fixing everything I was doing wrong to try and win her love back, and lost 60lbs in the meantime from the stress and started working out. But, she continued to be cold to me. Things were starting to get better. We even had sex, great sex! She lost 20 pounds as well. We both looked great. But always the next day she would be cold and distant again. She said "just because we're having sex doesn't mean everything is better. I still don't have that loving feeling." we both just wanted to feel good. So a month ago She found a job 1400 miles away and left me and the boys. she said she She just wants to have some time away to find herself and get experience and come back here and hopefully we can start over. So I let her go... So now i am going crazy, I can't stop thinking about what she's doing. If she out with her new friends. Because I now she's made some already and they must be going out on the weekends. She said she was going to call/Skye the boys every night, but now she's calling less and less. Sometimes 3-4 days before I hear from her. I just discoverd the "No Contact" tatic about 5 days ago, and it's starting to work. She texted me this morning and asked me what's wrong? Because I was texting her everyday telling her to have nice day and whatnot. I now wait for her to text me first and she told me she was concerned and cared about me finally. I didn't think she even thought about me at this point. One more thing, I think I'm starting to loose that loving feeling over this...She coming home in two weeks for 4 days, I don't know how I should behave or approach her? Please advise, Bradly Edited February 21, 2012 by Bradly Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Scorpio Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I saw that no one had replied and I know how that feels when tons of people have read your post but no one has replied. That being said, I have no children and have never been married, so this situation is far beyond me. Thus, take my advice with a bucket full of salt. It sounds as though your wife took drastic actions as a result of her feelings. I can see her wanting time and space to herself -- but 1400 miles away? She couldn't find anything closer than that? Closer to her children? Given that, if it were me, I would ask myself whether or not I really wanted to invest time and energy in trying to salvage the marriage. She fell out of love with you -- the person she vowed to spend the rest of her life with -- because you didn't help out around the house? Maybe that is a typical reason for the dissolution of a marriage, but to me it seems extreme. I would suggest marriage counseling, but if she is visiting for only four days, that may not be a viable option. If it were me, I'd probably have as little contact with her as possible during her return. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradly Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 Thanks for the reply Mr Scorpio, Well, in her defense. After she got her RN degree last year we had to move to another state and she lost all her connections/contacts with hospitals and starting looking for a job here. With no luck she went into a deep depression I believe resulted her strange and drastic actions. So, she broadened her horizons back when we were really fighting (now were at least civil) she needed a "residence" job wich are very hard to get into. When she found it, it was a decision I didn't support at first but felt it was the best thing for her. She said if she didn't start working soon she was going to go crazy.. I know... It's complicated. I confronted her that I believe it's family first, and that she doesn't really need the job, because I make enough to support us, at the moment. But none of that mattered to her. Starting her career was more important I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradly Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 I forgot to mention that I offered to renew our vows. I thought it would be a good way to rebuild trust in our relationship. She said it was "A very sweet Idea but im not ready to do that" Link to post Share on other sites
Follower Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I feel your pain Bradly, i dont think i have nearly enough experiance with relationships to give advice to somone in your position. but if you want to vent/explain im listening, iv found its rather helpfull. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradly Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 (edited) Thanks! Its definitely is more complicated when so much time is invested and kids are involved. If I was just dating her, no question I would dump her... but I want to work on keeping my little family together. I still love her, but my kids would be shocked if we divorced. they think everything is fine. Edited February 21, 2012 by Bradly Link to post Share on other sites
Follower Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I definatly apprechaite invested time in a relationship but it bares asking is it you want to stay with her for the kids/family aspect or is it that you wish to stay with her? Not that i know for sure either way but surely its not healthy for the kids if your not happy or even if she is not? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradly Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 That's an excellent point... I just want to be loved. Like anyone else. I spend a lot of time with my boys these days. But I'm not all there... I know I am distant and sometimes don't hear them talking because Im daydreaming about all the chit that's going on... I try to act normal doing my best as a single dad, everyday I can't believe this happening to me. I don't want to be with anybody else but it would be nice to feel loved again.... Link to post Share on other sites
Follower Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 so you said a few posts up that you were trying NC you know that NC means you dnt reply to her at all? The whole point in this tactic, and it is a tactic is to force her into realising what shes missing so if you reply to her when she texts you your just ensuring she knows you are entirely dependant on her. Which on the face value doesnt sound wrong in a marrage but from reading around i know that even in a commited relationship of whatever kind you should both give off the impression your not entirely dependant emotionaly on each other which by the sounds of it she is but you on the otherhand are not giving off that impression. I just want to make sure im grasping this correctly: In a nut shell: Married, Kids, Infractions on both sides, Trust issues, Lack of Lust? Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 You're basically doing No Initiated Contact which can still be a good strategy when someone is pulling away from you. Let them be the one to reach out so you don't make yourself look desperate. As I read about your situation I was reminded of a tactic called "the 180", I believe it originated from the author of a website called Divorce Busters or something like that. Basically you pull a 180 on the person, stop acting the way they'll expect you to behave. Act like you're the one who might be out with friends or keeping busy without her. Don't always answer the phone right away, don't respond to texts immediately, or if she asks how you're doing you kinda be vague and make it sound like you've been really busy. Don't be the one to initiate the conversations about the future or about her coming back, let that come from her. Don't beg or plead or express that you are missing her. Basically you want to create a situation where instead of you sitting at home wondering "is she going to leave me while she takes this time apart", you want HER to start wondering "is he going to leave or find something better because I bailed on him and moved out". Don't take my word for it or start implementing it immediately, but do your own research on divorce busting. As someone else replied above, the first real step is to decide if you even want to put any effort into trying to salvage this after how she has treated you. No matter what strategies you use, they all take effort, and you'll be at her mercy until she decides what she wants. If you decide it's not worth all that effort, you could almost pull a "180" without even trying, just let your interest level drop and realize it's her problem to prove it to you that she wants to make this work. You didn't leave, she did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradly Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 (edited) Wow! You really nailed it. N initial C is right. I know it's starting to make her wonder about me.. I can't do NC fully with the kids, well not yet. If she's cheating that's a whole nother level. On the other hand.. I honestly don't know if I want to save it anymore. So your right, a 180 could be a natural process for me. Edited February 21, 2012 by Bradly Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradly Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 Today I screwed up NC already!! Dang it!!! I accidently texted W instead of my sister who was asking me how I was doing. I said "I'm ok, still dealing with some sadness and lonely, but keeping busy with the boys but thanks for asking" Now I gotta start all over again. But now I have the 180 list, I'll be using that when she visits next week. Wish me luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Numb79 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I remember watching Dr. Phil once and they had this married couple on the show that have been together for 50 plus years. A member in the audience asked them how do they do it? How do they manage to stay together for so long? The husband then responded.... They fall in and out of love all the time.... It is up to the person that is in love to help the other fall back in love. Not sure if that helps or makes any sense.... just thought I would share. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Hi everyone, I Present time: Last September I received a strange text from her. Very steamy and romantic. It didn't make any sense to me. She said she was feeling frisky that night. I was very suspicious so I looked on the wireless bill and found about 6000 texts to some striange number in another state. I confronted her and that's when she told me its her ex from high school and she's been unhappy for a long time and is no longer in love with me. They no long speak, I think. So a month ago She found a job 1400 miles away and left me and the boys. she said she She just wants to have some time away to find herself and get experience and come back here and hopefully we can start over. So I let her go... Bradley I've read through your posts and the other posters replies, and I may be missing something here, but based on the parts I quoted above did you consider that maybe she left you and the kids for the ex mentioned above or some other man? I think you have bigger problems than her getting her work experience and finding herself. Women seldom leave marriages as you described.....usually it's drugs/alcohol/physical abuse/ emotional abuse -or- third party involvement. If you want your marriage to survive, you must demand that she move back home and cease all contact with the other man, otherwise your marriage is DOA. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradly Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Bradley I've read through your posts and the other posters replies, and I may be missing something here, but based on the parts I quoted above did you consider that maybe she left you and the kids for the ex mentioned above or some other man? I think you have bigger problems than her getting her work experience and finding herself. Women seldom leave marriages as you described.....usually it's drugs/alcohol/physical abuse/ emotional abuse -or- third party involvement. If you want your marriage to survive, you must demand that she move back home and cease all contact with the other man, otherwise your marriage is DOA. Non of the above, I'm 95% sure it's her love affair with starting her career and tired of being a stay at home mom. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Non of the above, I'm 95% sure it's her love affair with starting her career and tired of being a stay at home mom. Ok it's going to be harsh, I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this situation but 6000 texts to some guy? I haven't sent 6000 texts since texting was invented!!! There are none so blind as those that will not see. Are you the sort of guy who if someone told you your car was on fire you'd ignore them? Also what kind of woman runs 1400 miles away and drops her kids like that? First order of the day find out if this f**l is married and tell his wife, break up their affair. Second order, get a lawyer quickly. She could be planning to take the kids away and screw you over financially. I would suggest meeting her in a public place, also get a voice activated recorder. Just in case she calls the police on you and tries to get you arrested. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradly Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 Listen to the words.... 21 guns ( American Idiot cast version) - American idiot cast - YouTube Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradly Posted February 28, 2012 Author Share Posted February 28, 2012 Ok, she called tonight... It was a nice conversation. All business with kids and whatnot and I was very good at keeping it that way. I was upbeat and happy, I stayed cool... She didn't sound so good.... I could tell something was wrong, but I ignored it. I stayed positive... She finally realized she didnt really called enough to see how the kids are doing and felt guilty for not Skyping with them. She's been gone for 6 weeks and only Skype one time. I could tell in her voice that she was feeling bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Follower Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 Well done brad, that must of been difficult but well done for being strong, itll only benifit you in the long run! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradly Posted February 28, 2012 Author Share Posted February 28, 2012 Thanks! I think I have read the entire internet about Divorce & Separation. (hey i made funny remark, that's a good sign the 180 is working for me) I have myself a WAW (Walk Away Wife) for sure!! If there is someone else there's nothing I can do about it at this point. The reality is almost every WAW story I read about ended up have another Man involved. Time will tell... I'm prepared for anything Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 I'm prepared for anything Don't take this as me pushing you towards divorce, but you might want to get really prepared by talking to an attorney, and I'm thinking custody if push comes to shove. Get the information you need to make the decisions you may need to make. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 I agree with Gorilla, talk to an lawyer, JUST to see what your options are. You have an excelent case for the kids. Sorry, but your wife is really screwed up...I would continue with the gym, don't lose track of that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradly Posted February 29, 2012 Author Share Posted February 29, 2012 Thank you, but, I'm not yet ready to start the D process... At this point, I don't know what to do other than take care of my kids. She left us and I'm doing everything:making sure homework is done, helpmstudying for test, laundry, dishes, clean house, garbage, brush teeth, making sure they take baths, fix stuff, get up early, drop them off to school...oh and go to work for 8 hours too Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 Thanks! IThe reality is almost every WAW story I read about ended up have another Man involved. Time will tell... I'm prepared for anything Good man, now steel yourself... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bradly Posted March 1, 2012 Author Share Posted March 1, 2012 She's coming home tomorrow for 3 days. I'm really nervous more than anything. It's like I'm getting read for rehearsed play. But, now I know what's going on in her head (cause shes a WAW) thanks to this site, and you all for helping. It's clear to me she's no longer in love with me, i get it. But shes also confused, afraid, Im ready to put into place the 180 full throttle. I know she's expecting me to drill her with a ton with questions, ask for sex, break down and cry at some point, and have another one of my temper tantrums. But, it's not gonna happen. Im READY!!! ... to just listen Ill be back in 3 days with an update for those of you following my Soap Opra. Wish me luck!! Read this of you want to understand what WAW is thinking. (except I smell good to my wife, that I know) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/208747-im-new-need-place-vent Link to post Share on other sites
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