I cheated with a co-worker, now I don't know what I should do.

[Unrequitedlove]

I cheated on my boyfriend of four months twice with an ex co-worker who's been with his girlfriend for two years. While my ex co-worker assures me that he really likes me, doesn't normally cheat, and wants me in his life, I'm not so sure what to do. We both have spoken about where we stand in our relationships, but he seems confused, almost trapped in the one he's in. He says he's unhappy and wants to leave her, but they live together and she'd have nowhere to go. He made sure to let me know he didn't regret what happened between us, and how much he liked me, even before we slept together. I stopped working at that job, and went to pick up my things and saw him a week after our last encounter (he doesn't have a phone currently), and he just seemed so apologetic at the fact that he doesn't have means to keep in contact with me, and even went as far as to show me his broken phone. He worried that I wouldn't want to speak to him anymore and asked if we were still friends which I said yes to. He also asked me if I was still with my boyfriend (we're in the middle of a messy break-up) and just shrugged and said yes when I asked him the same. He insisted that I stop by and visit him again to hang out but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Should I end all contact with him, or should I continue to be his friend? What could his motives be? Am I being naive to believe that he may like me and is feeding me lies to keep me on the side?

[kaleidoscope]

I have a crazy crazy idea.

 

How about you both grow some balls and break up with the one you are cheating on.

 

Then you cheaters can be together happily ever after.

 

And just for fun, maybe you can cheat on each other as well.

 

Do you know how much cheating hurts? Do you even care? Get out of the relationship. It will hurt the one you love more otherwise.

[nofool4u]

I cheated on my boyfriend of four months twice with an ex co-worker who's been with his girlfriend for two years. While my ex co-worker assures me that he really likes me, doesn't normally cheat, and wants me in his life, I'm not so sure what to do.

 

Easy, break up with your boyfriend so he can find someone decent, and hook up with the other cheater. Because your bf, and the other guy's gf deserves better.

 

If you stay with your bf, its for your own selfishness, as if cheating wasn't selfish enough.

 

Should I end all contact with him, or should I continue to be his friend?

 

If for some awful reason you stay with your boyfriend and not let him find someone who is true, then you end all contact with the other guy COMPLETELY. I'd also say find another job or department, but most cheaters don't see the obvious disrespect to the betrayed to allow themselves to see the affair partner on a daily basis. So I doubt you'd extend your bf that respect to begin with.

 

 

What could his motives be?

 

New sex. He only feels trapped by a girlfriend because she is old news. Not fun for him any longer. He needs a new face to f***.

 

But really, this shouldn't be your bf's problem. You shouldn't be your bf's problem. Break up with him. At least give him the respect of setting him free from you.

 

 

Am I being naive to believe that he may like me and is feeding me lies to keep me on the side?

 

Honestly, I don't care. Because it seems doing the right thing by your bf would depend on what the other guy's intentions are. If you think the OM is sincere, you would go to him. If he is not, then you are using your bf as 2nd fiddle.

 

Your bf deserves better than that. He deserves a woman that won't do this to him.

[Mme. Chaucer]

That was an odd post. You never once mentioned your relationship with your boyfriend and how you feel about cheating on him. Weird.

[salparadise]

I think you should look up the word 'integrity' and see if it has any appeal to you. It so, then set the boyfriend free because he deserves someone who loves him, and will love him completely. Get rid of the other guy too because he's either going to just try and keep you on the side, or if you end up in a relationship it will always be characterized by the way you got together. Then take a break and do some serious introspection about core values, what you want your life to be like, and why you became a cheat. If integrity means nothing to you then at least set your boyfriend free and keep hooking up with the other cheat––you'll eventually reap what you sow.

Edited February 21, 2012 by salparadise

[nofool4u]

That was an odd post. You never once mentioned your relationship with your boyfriend and how you feel about cheating on him. Weird.

 

Thats because her bf will be 2nd fiddle and is kept on the back burner until she decides if this other guy is interested in her for something other than sex.

 

So if she decides the OM's intentions aren't true, she will go back to her failsafe bf...until the next time she spreads for another guy.

[KathyM]

Just drop the guy. Would you really want someone who cheats on his gf of two years, and doesn't have the balls to let her go, but would cheat on her instead? Not a guy worth having in your life. Tell him not to contact you anymore, that your relationship with him is over, and that he should do the right thing by his gf, and let her go as well.

[nofool4u]

And then do right by her bf and let him go too. He obviously isn't the first choice here. Some cheating jerk is. She is just waiting to find out his "motives"

[Professor X]

That was an odd post. You never once mentioned your relationship with your boyfriend and how you feel about cheating on him. Weird.

 

I don't find it so weird actually, the way she typed her story, she doesn't give a rats ass about him, all she cares about is if the other guy is leading her on... Ironic, isn't it?

 

Some people are just so stupid (not you Mme <3).

[KathyM]

She said she's going through a break up with the guy she dated, so I think that's a moot point right now about her relationship with her boyfriend. Now she just needs to end it with this other guy who's cheating on his gf.

[Unrequitedlove]

I came to this forum looking for insight, and i feel like i'm being bashed. i did note that i am going through a break up, which is messy because i have been emotionally and physically abused by my significant other. i guess the only thing keeping me with him is the fact that i have his belongings and he has yet to pick them up.

 

I did feel guilty about cheating on my boyfriend, but then again, I also felt mistreated, unappreciated, and ABUSED by him (whom you all think deserves better than I).

 

maybe I should've included all this information in the post i initially wrote, but what difference would it make? you all seem bitter.

[Professor X]

I came to this forum looking for insight, and i feel like i'm being bashed. i did note that i am going through a break up, which is messy because i have been emotionally and physically abused by my significant other. i guess the only thing keeping me with him is the fact that i have his belongings and he has yet to pick them up.

 

I did feel guilty about cheating on my boyfriend, but then again, I also felt mistreated, unappreciated, and ABUSED by him (whom you all think deserves better than I).

 

maybe I should've included all this information in the post i initially wrote, but what difference would it make? you all seem bitter.

Well know only what YOU tell us, and if you decide to hide certain details, than don't be surprise if the "court" judges in a certain way, that's how it works.

Life is subjective - we know only what we know.

 

And at any rate, if you are in an abusive RS the solution is NO to cheat cause that will only make your RS a 2 sided abusive RS, instead, the solution is to walk away.

[KathyM]

I came to this forum looking for insight, and i feel like i'm being bashed. i did note that i am going through a break up, which is messy because i have been emotionally and physically abused by my significant other. i guess the only thing keeping me with him is the fact that i have his belongings and he has yet to pick them up.

 

I did feel guilty about cheating on my boyfriend, but then again, I also felt mistreated, unappreciated, and ABUSED by him (whom you all think deserves better than I).

 

maybe I should've included all this information in the post i initially wrote, but what difference would it make? you all seem bitter.

People generally don't see being mistreated as an excuse for cheating. Two wrongs don't make a right kind of thing. If the guy was so bad, you should have dumped him first rather than cheating on him. That just keeps an unwitting person strung along, in limbo, while you figure out what you want. It's really not fair to a person to do that. Maybe your bf did not treat you well, but your reponse to that should have been to dump him. It's like you were stringing him along while waiting for a relationship, or even having a relationship, with someone else. It's really not fair to waste someone's life like that when your heart is not in it. Even if he wasn't such a good bf. If this OM wanted to be with you, he would have left his gf, but he didn't. He was just using you as a side dish, and now it's time you dump both of these losers--the abusive one and the cheating one. It sounds like you've dumped the abuser--now do the right thing and dump the cheater as well.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Your OP opens with "I cheated on my boyfriend of four months twice." I think all who read it are going into this thinking that your issue is with your cheating. And it's off-putting that you never even address this again.

 

I'm sorry if you are abused, but you are making a choice to be in this abusive relationship. Why? Especially since it's only been going on for 4 months, it should be fairly simple to end it. If he is abusive and horrible, what is your excuse for being in this relationship at all?

 

Seems like you are jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, too. Excuse my cliche.

 

STOP your unhealthy relationship and STOP messing around with a cheater. Get yourself sorted out. There are obviously some issues. Then, maybe you can have a healthy relationship with an available man who will treat you well.

[nofool4u]

She said she's going through a break up with the guy she dated, so I think that's a moot point right now about her relationship with her boyfriend.

 

Really? Because before you posted this, this was how she left her first post.

 

He also asked me if I was still with my boyfriend (we're in the middle of a messy break-up) and just shrugged and said yes when I asked him the same.

 

So was she with him or not? Can't really tell here. In any case, the title is "I cheated with a co-worker, now I don't know what I should do"

 

If she is truly not with bf any longer, whats the problem? Perhaps wondering what the other guy is after, but the fore story doesn't really matter any longer if she is truly broken up with him.

 

 

Now she just needs to end it with this other guy who's cheating on his gf.

 

I agree, but I doubt she will

[nofool4u]

I came to this forum looking for insight, and i feel like i'm being bashed. i did note that i am going through a break up, which is messy because i have been emotionally and physically abused by my significant other.

 

Physically abused? Then I don't see where the "going through" part of the break up is. You just simply end it.

 

 

i guess the only thing keeping me with him is the fact that i have his belongings and he has yet to pick them up.

 

Tell him they'll be waiting outside your front door for 2 days, after that they are in the trash.

 

 

I did feel guilty about cheating on my boyfriend, but then again, I also felt mistreated, unappreciated, and ABUSED by him (whom you all think deserves better than I).

 

Well gee, that would have been good info to have. Why do people come back later to tell about abuse? Not that it makes cheating any more justifiable, but come on, throw us a bone. I'd still have told you there is no excuse, but wouldn't have then said he deserves better.

 

maybe I should've included all this information in the post i initially wrote, but what difference would it make? you all seem bitter.

 

I just told you what difference it would make. Bitter? Please, spare us. We've heard that all before, always spewed by cheaters who don't like hearing the cold hard truth of things. One need not be bitter to despise lousy behavior in others.

[KathyM]

Really? Because before you posted this, this was how she left her first post.

 

 

 

So was she with him or not? Can't really tell here. In any case, the title is "I cheated with a co-worker, now I don't know what I should do"

I took her statement to mean that she is broken up with her bf, but she just told her OM that she was still with him.

 

If she is truly not with bf any longer, whats the problem? Perhaps wondering what the other guy is after, but the fore story doesn't really matter any longer if she is truly broken up with him.

The problem is she is still hanging onto a guy who is cheating on his gf, and she is trying to hold onto that relationship, which is not a good plan.

 

 

 

 

I agree, but I doubt she will

 

I don't think women are drawn to cheaters because they are players, but that these guys have some charisma and women have no personal boundaries that prevent them from getting involved with guys that are in a relationship.

[Unrequitedlove]

I am officially broken up with my ex-boyfriend and I have not spoken to the other guy in over a week.

 

What people fail to realize is that once you're in a relationship and are being abused, it's hard to just leave when you have deep feelings for them and they manipulate you into thinking that it's your fault that they treat you the way they do, and that they'll change eventually. In my case, I was only with him for four months. He was not like this when I met him. I ended it, and was over the relationship for a while before it actually ended. He made it clear to me that he didn't care about me and never did, it was all my fault, and that he was glad that it's over. I asked for him slapping me on multiple occasions. I asked for him to call me derogatory names. All of this because I wasn't who he wanted me to be.

 

I was drawn to the other man because we were going through the same thing in our relationships. We seemed to have a whole lot in common, and he was everything I wished my ex-boyfriend was. He was by no means a "player" in a sense that he conned his way into my pants. I take full responsibility for pursuing him the first time we slept together.

 

How many of you have been in a situation in which you are blinded by what you thought might have been a great relationship with someone who has all of these deep rooted issues that just blow up in your face when you're already emotionally invested in the relationship?

[KathyM]

I am officially broken up with my ex-boyfriend and I have not spoken to the other guy in over a week.

 

What people fail to realize is that once you're in a relationship and are being abused, it's hard to just leave when you have deep feelings for them and they manipulate you into thinking that it's your fault that they treat you the way they do, and that they'll change eventually. In my case, I was only with him for four months. He was not like this when I met him. I ended it, and was over the relationship for a while before it actually ended. He made it clear to me that he didn't care about me and never did, it was all my fault, and that he was glad that it's over. I asked for him slapping me on multiple occasions. I asked for him to call me derogatory names. All of this because I wasn't who he wanted me to be.

 

I was drawn to the other man because we were going through the same thing in our relationships. We seemed to have a whole lot in common, and he was everything I wished my ex-boyfriend was. He was by no means a "player" in a sense that he conned his way into my pants. I take full responsibility for pursuing him the first time we slept together.

 

How many of you have been in a situation in which you are blinded by what you thought might have been a great relationship with someone who has all of these deep rooted issues that just blow up in your face when you're already emotionally invested in the relationship?

I don't understand how you were so invested in a relationship that lasted only four months that would make you want to stay with a guy that slaps you around. As soon as a guy raises his hand to you, or shows any aggression towards you or disrespect of you, you need to be out of there. We're talking about a short term relationship here. How can you be so invested at that point that you would put up with this behavior? Next time, at the first sign of abuse, dump the guy. You have to tell yourself that you deserve better and that you won't allow yourself to be treated that way. That also goes for guys who cheat--don't go after a man who would cheat on his SO. The prize (the man) is not worth having. My older sister was actually abused by her husband. She didn't see it coming, and he talked a big talk, and she married him, only to find out later in the marriage that he was a physically abusive *sshole. So she divorced him, fortunately. Don't stay with a man who is abusive to you. Don't seek out men who are not available. You need to believe you deserve better than that, and have higher standards for yourself as well. No good can come from being with these types of men.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You have two completely separate issues going on here. There's the abusive relationship, and why you chose to be involved in that, and why you let it linger on. Certainly lots of people can relate to how such a relationship can erode your self esteem.

 

The other issue is your choice to cheat, and also includes your choice to cheat with a married man.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you are officially broken up and that you are not seeing the married man anymore. I hope you get yourself sorted out so that abusive relationships, cheating, and getting involved with married men are completely behind you forever. Maybe therapy would be worthwhile.

[nofool4u]

How many of you have been in a situation in which you are blinded by what you thought might have been a great relationship with someone who has all of these deep rooted issues that just blow up in your face when you're already emotionally invested in the relationship?

 

*raising hand* Right here

 

But once I found out the issue, her being a cheater, the emotional investment was lost, and I cut my losses for future gains.

[kaleidoscope]

 

...He was by no means a "player" in a sense that he conned his way into my pants. I take full responsibility for pursuing him the first time we slept together.

 

 

Ok. We see that you were in an abusive relationship and your head wasn't straight.

 

Sorry if we're all bashing you but you seem to be making bad decisions. I've seen certain types of women do this over and over again.

 

But at least now you have finally made a decision. I think that was good of you.

 

Of course, there is the man-equivalent of this too.

 

Its just strange to me. I'm not sure you're a bad person but its very disturbing behaviour.

 

What I find difficult is how do you go from feeling a connection to another guy to actually sleeping in bed so fast with him?

 

I could understand if you shared a moment and kissed the guy.

 

But that would be a signal to at least think about your relationship with your bf. At least one or two nights of hard thinking and then make a decision regarding one relationship or the other.

 

Did you even think about contraception or just leave everything to chance? Just curious.

 

I've seen women not really care....on the other hand neither did the guy....

 

As if bringing babies into the world doesn't matter.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I came to this forum looking for insight, and i feel like i'm being bashed. i did note that i am going through a break up, which is messy because i have been emotionally and physically abused by my significant other. i guess the only thing keeping me with him is the fact that i have his belongings and he has yet to pick them up.

I did feel guilty about cheating on my boyfriend, but then again, I also felt mistreated, unappreciated, and ABUSED by him (whom you all think deserves better than I).

maybe I should've included all this information in the post i initially wrote, but what difference would it make? you all seem bitter.

 

I had to go back and re read your post twice before it sunk in that you were in the middle of a breakup.

 

Look... everything in life is a risk. I'd say if this guy will cheat on his current GF, he would also cheat on you. At this point you KNOW that he cheats, so we can label him a high risk person. However, you are also technically high risk yourself...

 

If you think he is worth the time and effort to chase down... go for it. Understand though that chances are you will sink tons of time and effort into him and in the end he won't leave his GF. It's a pretty common scenario.

[stillafool]

I came to this forum looking for insight, and i

feel like i'm being bashed. i did note that i am going through a break up, which

is messy because i have been emotionally and physically abused by my significant

other. i guess the only thing keeping me with him is the fact that i have his

belongings and he has yet to pick them up.

 

Yeah but you weren't going through the "messy breakup" when you first decided to sleep with your co-worker. No wonder it is messy.

 

I did feel guilty about cheating on my boyfriend, but then again, I also felt

mistreated, unappreciated, and ABUSED by him (whom you all think deserves better

than I).

 

If you felt that way you should have broken up with him not cheat on him.

 

maybe I should've included all this information in the post i initially wrote, but what difference would it make? you all seem bitter.

 

No not bitter. Who in their right mind would support a cheater? BTW, your affair partner is lying that his gf has no other place to go. If he truly wanted to break up with her I'm sure she would make other living arrangments. He should let her make that decision based on the truth. He just doesn't want to break up with her.

Edited February 27, 2012 by stillafool