I hate this mess I've gotten myself into.

[FolderWife]

Ok, here's how I ended up married:

 

I was in about 6 relationships, wherein I fell MADLY in love, and then the guy dumped me, and ripped my heart out. By the time my husband came along, I was so down and out, that I would've married any man that gave me a ring. I kept pushing my husband away when we were dating, but he seemed so devoted. He'd drive a long way to see me whenever he could. He didn't seem like all of the other guys I'd dated. He seemed perfect. I knew I could fall in love with easy, so I kept my walls up. Finally, I couldn't hold back, and I fell for him. The day after I told him that I loved him, he proposed.

 

I accepted, because, logically, if you're in love, you get married. My instincts yelled out, "NO! NO! IT'S TOO SOON! DON'T DO IT!" But he asked me in front of the entire office, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings...I loved him.

 

As soon as we were engaged, I started trying to put it off. I had us planned a 9 month engagement. My mom and dad ridiculed me, saying, "If you are in love, and you want to get married, then you won't want to wait that long." We were engaged a week, and he pressured me into marrying him, by saying he was going to come and get me on the Saturday and marry me. He got off the phone to call a court house, and called me back. I said I wasn't ready. He got angry at me for wavering, and said that I didn't love him.

 

I'M SO STUPID!!! HE got angry at me for not wanting to marry him off the bat, why didn't I look at that as a warning! I was SO stupid and naive back then! My parents were always ridiculing me for my bad decisions, I was always falling in love and getting dumped, I didn't think I'd ever find someone to marry me, and now this guy was going to dump me, because I wouldn't run to the alter!

 

That Sunday, it snowed, and he couldn't come visit me. He tried, but it was too deep. I got scared, and missed him, and thought I couldn't live without him, so I told him we'd get married on my day off that week. I called on Monday and set everything up, and we had a perfect day on Tuesday.

 

Pretty soon after, he took up saying things that hurt me, and getting angry fast. I just thought that we needed to get used to each other. He'd say something mean to me, and I'd chew him out, and he'd apologize. Any time he said something, and Ialmost left, he'd grab me and hold me.

 

Now, a year later, he doesn't give an inkling of caring if I leave or not. I say, "I'm leaving," and he says, "Bye".

 

I am a devout Christian, and I believe the Bible. So when I promised God for better or worse, that's what I meant. I'm not going to break my promise.

 

Also, the Bible says that if you divorce your spouse, you have to remain unmarried for the rest of your life, unless you remarry your spouse. I believe that too. The Bible says the only way that a person can remarry, is if their spouse commits adultery (which is sleeping with someone else). While my husband is cruel, he hasn't cheated. Therefore, if I leave, I'm doomed to a life of living alone.

 

I can't live alone! I moved out of my parents house once, and after two months, my then boyfriend dumped me, and I couldn't stand to be alone in my apartment, and moved back home! I have ALWAYS been boy crazy. I love affection. My husband doesn't give me all of the affection that I crave, but once in a while is better than none at all. I was like this WAAAAAAAY before I met him, so I don't see myself changing. I can be happy with him once in a while, and miserable the rest of the time, or I can leave him, and be miserable all of the time.

 

I can't live with my parents ever again. They SMOTHERED me when I lived with them, watching my every move, and always critisizing me. At least living with my husband, I have the freedom to do whatever I want. My parents won't even let me stay out past 10 now when I visit them! If I visit a friend, I have to be at their home by 10. I can't live like that.

 

I don't have the money to live by myself I dont' want to live by myself I want a life with a man in it.

 

I could KICK MYSELF for ruining my life like this! If I want to stay in church (which I DEFINATELY DO) I have to remain in a marriage that I am not happy in, that is unfulfilling, or I have to remain single the rest of my days, and be alone and lonely. Or worst case scenario, I have to live with my PARENTS AGAIN, because I can't afford a place on my own.

 

All of this is probably why my husband is so abusive. He knows that I have nowhere to go. I've looked at all the angles, and the only one that I see any shred of happiness in, is to remain married. I feel like such an idiot! If I'd waited, say, 2 more years, I could've met someone who was everything emotionally I needed. I get so sad when I see a couple walking through a store, holding hands and laughing. I get so angry when I see a woman accidently knock something over, and her husband and her laugh, because she's clumsey. I would LOVE to have found someone that would just love me. My husband would get enraged if I accidently knocked something over in a store. My husband won't talk to me in a store, except to scold me for talking to loud or tell me to get out of the way.

 

It's AWFUL! I want him to change!

 

That's why I'm stuck. I can't go back to my parent's, because they make me more miserable than him. I can't stand being alone. I can't find someone else because of my religion. So I'm stuck!

 

I guess my reasons for coming here, was hopes that someone would help me find a way to live with this. I was hoping that someone would give me a way to look at it in a positive way. I was hoping to find success stories. I was hoping to get reassurance that working in a marriage is the right way to go. Instead, I got what I didn't want to hear, and what I was already thinking, and that's he'll never change, and my only option for happiness is to leave.

 

I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE! If he'd die, or cheat, I could leave and find someone else to be happy with, but I don't think he'll ever cheat, and I figure it's a long way until he dies.

 

At this point, I don't know if I love him any more. I love my dog, and my home, and my job, and I love being a wife. I could live without him, if I had someone else....but I can never have anyone else, because HE'S THE ONE I PROMISED MY LIFE TO.

 

So this is me. This is stupid me. This is Monday, the idiot who gave her life to someone, after only knowing them two months. This is Monday, the idiot who got married at 20, before she had enough brains to realize what she was getting into. This is Monday, the cling-on who's afraid to be alone.

 

Like I said, my husband was wonderful in the two month period that I knew him. Except for a couple of days before I married him, when he was pressuring me, and I was so afraid of getting my heart broken again, I'd have done anything to not lose him.

 

Was it two months? I met him on Valentines day, and Married him on April Fools Day. Is that two months? It's more like a month and a half-GOD I'M SO STUPID!!! I'VE RUINED MY LIFE!!!

[moimeme]

my husband was wonderful in the two month period that I knew him

 

Millions of people can be saints for two months. Spend six months with them and you start seeing the real person.

 

The Bible did not say 'if you make a real stupid mistake, you have to live with it forever'. You can join any other church if you want to remain religious; preferably one that does not force people to stay together even when they've made stupid mistakes to start out with. However I know Catholicism has a lot of conditions for annulments, including something along the lines of not really knowing what you were doing when you got married. You may be able to find that kind of loophole in your religion.

 

As for choosing misery rather than being alone - that is craziness. Get to a counsellor and learn how to be happy. It is possible and it is possible to do alone.

 

Finally, if you can't afford to live alone, you could always take in boarders or live with roommates. My friend takes in students every year - she has three living with her and their combined rent pays her mortgage.

 

It is unfortunate that you allowed these other pushy people to push you into marriage, but it sounds like you were pretty young and they were pretty forceful. You don't have to suffer for the rest of your life because of this. There are solutions, but you have to gather up your self-respect and go pursue them.

[Wolvesbaned]

Monday, doesn't it feel good to let this off your chest? *HUGS*

 

First and foremost, get a PO BOX. It's about $4 - $6 a month. Then open up a new bank account at a compeletly different bank. (If it's at the same bank they'll likely screw up somehow and reveal your new account.) Save some money and put it into this account.

 

I don't have the money to live by myself I don't' want to live by myself I want a life with a man in it.

 

This satisfies the not having any money problem and the not being able to live my yourself right now problem. Hopefully by the time you've saved up enough money, you'll be ready emotionally to be able to live by yourself.

 

Next, go talk to your pastor about your situation. Tell him what you've shared with us. Talk about everything, especially the abusive behavior. Ask for his advice and guidance. This will satisfy your beliefs as a Christian.

 

Monday, if he's awful now, he'll most likely stay awful or become even worse. When the day comes when you can't stand him any longer, you need to prepare yourself. Please, go your your nearest USPS and open up a PO BOX to start saving. (You'll only need to bring a bill to show proof of your current address and 2 picture ID's). You can be a wife and be independent too.

 

As for the needing a man in your life: Everyday you live your life as a wife to a husband that doesn't deserve the love and care you provide --you are getting stronger, because you know devotion and you put your heart into it when it's so hard to. When you get over this, you will be stronger than you've ever been and you might surprise yourself and feel like you don't need a man anymore.

 

You will get through this Monday.

 

[color=darkred]"Humans are such fragile, complex creatures; formed by their joys, their pain, their loves, their struggles, and their heartaches: every one worthy of love."

--I stole this quote from someone's sig though I'm not sure who[/color]

[Wolvesbaned]

In my opinion, Monday has not lost her self-respect. She doesn't agree with her husband's abusive comments, she doesn't think she can't get any better. It is quite the opposite. But if she continues to be in this relationship however, like any abusive relationship, it will erode at her self-esteem.

 

Just because people can't cut ties as quickly or turn feelings off as soon, doesn't mean their self-confidence is shot. It's easy to oversimplify things by saying that A = B, but what you're really saying is what your A would equal to B. Other things may in the mix for the rest of the world.

[moimeme]

I'm sorry, but I disagree utterly.

 

I can't stand being alone. I dont' want to live by myself I want a life with a man in it.

 

 

These is not the marks of someone who has managed to develop a healthy sense of self. That both her parents and her husband have berated her a great deal means it's very likely she has little self-esteem left, in fact.

 

Monday, when you've got yourself ready to go, tell the husband it's counselling or you're gone. No ifs, ands, or buts. And follow through.

[FolderWife]

Thanks guys

[Matilda]

Monday,

 

Your story sounds very similar to my first marriage. I had a few bad relationships with men, my first husband came along and swept me off my feet. He was very romantic and spontaneous. He asked me to marry him, and I just thought it was the thing to do since I loved him.

 

Unfortunately, I was very stupid, and didn't think about what I wanted out of life, and what traits I could live with in a husband and what I couldn't. I knew he had a temper, but just kind of "ignored" that.

 

Very shortly after we were married he became abusive. I soon realized I was pregnant, even though I had been using birth control. So I decided that we needed to do everything we could to keep the marriage together for the sake of the child.

 

We went to counseling together and apart. And I told myself that if there was anymore abuse that was it. He was immature and selfish, and counseling didn't seem to help much. He was good at making promises, but not very good at keeping them.

 

There was a second incident of abuse, in front of my child, and that was it. I kicked him out, since I was the one supporting the family anyway and paying for the house. I can't express how relieved I was when he left. Now, I only had one child to take care of instead of 2.

 

I look back on that time and can't believe how stupid I was to have married him. We had almost nothing in common. I still see him of course, because of our child, and I look at him and can't fathom what I found attractive about him.

 

I have never regretted our divorce. I have no doubt it was the best thing for my child and myself. I learned from my mistakes, and when I did marry again it was to the right man for the right reasons. My 2nd husband and I have a very good marriage, and a good life together.

 

I agree that you should go talk to your pastor and or a counselor. Things will only get worse if you don't do something about this. You can do this. I know it is scary, but your life will be so much better.

[Thinkalot]

Monday....

 

Take steps to be OK on your own. Financially and emotionally. It does not mean you need to be alone forever!

 

As for the church....any church, and indeed God, believes in love, and giving and kindness, and would not want you to stay in a situation like this. Talk to your church about this.

 

I've been to different churches in my life, and some of them aren't so strict with things. They do alllow divorce and remarriage for example. God would want your soul to be happy. You are not doing anything wrong by removing yourself from a painful situation. It is not like you are cheating or being unfaithful, or anything else which may be viewed as morally wrong by you or in the eyes of the church.

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation. You can get yourself out of it though.

 

Good luck.

[FolderWife]

Ok.... I ... I don't know what to say about myself.

 

He made me angry Friday night, and I considered it the last straw. I told him that I would be filing for divorce on Monday. Saturday, I came on here and poured my heart into this thread.

 

By the time I got off of work, I was so eager to see him that I couldn't wait to get home. When I arrived home, he was asleep on the couch. I looked at him, and he didn't look like the man I loved. He looked like some tyrant. I got something to eat, and went to the other room to watch TV.

 

I went to the bathroom (prepare for TMI) and while I was on the toilet, he unlocked the chain, and walked in. I was like, "What are you doing?" He grinned and said, "I have to pee." I said, "I'm busy." He stood there for a second, then he put his hand on my head, and tilted it backwards so that I was looking up at him. He looked me in the eye, and said, "I'm sorry."

 

I didn't know what to say...the only words that came to mind were, "I love you," so that's what I said.

 

Sunday, again, he made me angry, so I went shopping. When I got home, he was gone. His uncle invited us to lunch Saturday night, so I figured that's where he was. I rolled around the idea of not going, since I was mad at my husband, but then I figured that THEY were the ones that invited me, so I wasn't going to not go because of him. When I arrived, my husband seemed thrilled to see me. He immediately started picking on me

 

His uncle and cousins have this HORRIBLE habbit of picking on women, and I HATE IT. His uncle will sit and pick pick pick pick at his wife, and now he pick pick pick picks on his soon to be daughter in law. He doesn't really mess with me too much though...he gets that it annoys me. These women will play pick back with them, but they never match wits, because these men (all 6 of them) gang up on the women (all 3 of us...I usually exclude myself).

 

I was sitting on the love seat, and my husband laid down, with his legs on my lap. He usually lays on me when we go to his uncles house, and I enjoy the closeness. Not today though. He started flipping me. I flipped back a few times, but he kept on flipping my arm. I told him to stop, but he ignored me, and continued. He'd stop for a few minutes, then out of nowhere, he'd start flipping again. I finally got up and sat in the kitchen.

 

His cousin was having a yard sell, and I bought some stuff off of them. I went to the ATM, to get the money, and when I got back, everyone, including my husband, was outside. I sat down beside of his uncle, and my husband came over and shoved my forehead, and said, "You are healed!" ~this is a family joke...his uncle will go around and out of nowhere smack someone on the forehead, and say, "You are healed!" making fun of TV avangilests~ I wasn't paying attention, and when he smacked my forehead, I almost rolled down the hill. His uncle grabbed my arm and saved me *thank god*

 

Like I said, this is all jokes that his family does, and it gets on my nerves, ESPECIALLY when my husband tries to play along by picking on me. While I'm VERY glad he doesn't pick on the other women *I'd cook his goose for flirting* it gets on my stinkin nerves, and he just doesn't get it! He was standing about 2 feet behind me, and started throwing little pebbles at my back. Again, I got annoyed, and moved. I moved to the other end of the parking slab. He started throwing them at me from across the lot. I told him to quit. He kept throwing them, I yelled, "QUIT!!!!" and he kept throwing them, and laughing. No one else was laughing. I was so mad at this point, that I got up and walked into the house. I WAS SICK OF THE TORTURE! He followed me in, and was like, "What's wrong?" I felt like smacking him. I said, "I told you to QUIT! You just keep irritating me, and irritating me, YOU ARE SO IRRITATING!" He said, "Why don't you just leave!" So I left.

 

I think he should respect me, and not pick on me, if I don't want to be picked on. He's like a little kid! He irritates the crap out of me, and then gets mad when I get irritated. He doesn't get that just because his aunt and uncle enjoy picking on each other that I DON'T!

 

There was an upside to yesterday. My husband's cousin has a slutty finace. My husband got up to go to the kitchen, and while he was in there, she came in from outside, and yelled, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" and started laughing (trying to flirt with my husband). My husband smiled, kept his head down *wouldn't look at her* and hurried over to where I was sitting. She then proceeded to get in the floor, and wrestle with our dog. My husband glanced over at the dog, then watched TV. If anyone else plays with the dog, he'll usually watch, but he wouldn't watch her play with the dog

 

I didn't ask him to do this, he just did it....I guess naturally. Also, he won't pick on any of the other women (even though his uncle picks on EVERYONE) he only picks/flirts with me. I know it's just flirting, like a little 9 year old would flirt, but it irritates me, and I wish he could understand that, and knock it off. I really appreciate that while I'm around, my husband give me all of his attention. When we got home, we tried to discuss why I got so irritated, but he just couldn't get it, so I left it alone. I said, "You spend hours trying to irritate me, and when I get irritated, you get mad!" That hit home...he got that.

 

There is love from my husband's end, he just has a REALLY BAD way of expressing it to me.

 

I guess you could say that we made up. I do love my husband, and he does love me. He was just never tought how to express love. When he picks on me (like his uncle who practially raised him does HIS wife) I try to remember that is the only way that he was ever tought to show affection. It's hard, however, because I was raised to NEVER pick on someone. If you want to show love, be kind, not rude.

 

My husband is especially bad when we visit his uncle. I feel badly, because I genuinely believe he is trying to show affection, but I don't like that kind of affection. I feel like if he wants to show he loves me, hold my hand, or kiss my cheek....DON'T THROW PEBBLES AT ME!

 

Now that I'm looking at it through his eyes, I can see how he'd get upset at me for being mad at him for trying to show affection. It has to be confusing for him.

 

Men are like LITTLE KIDS!!!

[Thinkalot]

Oh Monday...not all men are like little kids. You husband needs to work on himself, and his issues, andhis anger/hurt or whatever is inside him. You should not have to cop it like this.

[SingleandRelieved]

It's scary to be single and alone if it makes you feel any better listen to what I've been thru. I was married for 5 years, had a baby and two months later my husband was killed in a car accident. I was ALONE - 29 years old. I was a new mother and a widow and had just returned to my full time job from maternity leave. I managed and survived that.

 

Four years later I married a man who swept me off his feet - big tough undercover narcotics detective - a cop who'd protect me and my young toddler. Said he'd take care of me and my son. He ended up being abusive and emotionally cruel. I divorced him a year and a half later. I managed and survived that.

 

Seven years later I was contacted by my first husband's best friend. He was divorced with a son the same age as my son. PERFECT (I thought). He rushed me into marrying him once again proclaiming to be the big protector (he'd take care of me). Uh oh - one little problem - he couldn't give up his porn! His child bullied and stole from my child but in his eyes his son did no wrong. I divorced him.

 

Three marriages later and at the age of 41 I can reassure you one thing. Being alone isn't as scary and bad as you think it is.

 

Would you rather be sick and married or healthy and single?