I just know that he is looking to cheat, if he has not already

[Lizzard]

Help!

 

I have been married to my husband for five years, although we have been together seven. We have no children. About eight months ago, my husband went on a business trip for one week. It was the first time we have ever been apart. When he came back home, something had changed. He is not into sex with me anymore, unless I initiate it. Now, he spends all his time on the internet on porn sites or looking at porn magazines or porn movies. He never used to do this. Just the other day, I caught him signing up for online chat rooms to meet other people in our area. I have tried to talk to him about our relationship and what I can do to make it better, but everytime I try to talk to him, he gets really defensive. I do not know what to do because I love him very much, but this behavior makes me want to die. I just know that he is looking to cheat, if he has not already because he is acting so funny.

[JustSoRight]

I don't know what you can do other than suggest counseling, or keep trying to talk. You have some major red flags going here. Trust me. I have lived with all of the red flags known to man. It's going to be hard to get him to open upm and try to fix this if he doesn't want to cooperate.

 

Wish I could be more help.

[supermom]

Why is he so defensive? that to me is a sign! I would keep your eyes open. Also, if he is sleeping with someone, you need to protect yourself incase he brings home STDs. You are innocent in this and he has no right to be defensive.

 

Did you point out the changes you noticed? Unfortunately, I think by reading your post, that something did happen.

 

I hate to bring you bad news, but it's better to be on the lookout in something like this!

 

I hope it all works out for you, if not, you deserve better, especially after the seven years you have been with him.

 

Good luck!

[KatAnn]

Hi,

 

I just want you to know that this probably isn't even about you. Your husband most likely doesn't know how to communicate his feelings of low self esteem. Men get alot of their self worth through sex and if he feels insecure about himself he will try to distract himself from those feelings. My guess is that he really wants your marriage to work and he is confused about why he is doing those things.

 

You need to go to counseling. My husband and I are going to start next week. We are having similar problems, so you are not alone.

[Cheated On Too]

I'm 25. After 7 years of being married to my 31 year old husband, it all came to a screeching halt. That was 9 months ago and divorce papers have been filed. I went through trust issues with him. I loved him. I supported him. Though he had his hang ups, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and always stuck up for him against the adversaries and silently hoped he was doing his best to make our marriage last. But then he landed a new job, making a lot more money than he'd ever made before, and his attitude about everything changed for the worst.

 

First, his ego expanded to the size of a small elephant. His concern for his appearance increased, suddenly he was blowing money like crazy on new clothes and new haircuts and he was constantly looking in the mirror. He started making "new friends" around the office and he ditched all his old friends because "they weren't good enough" for him anymore. Forget weekends! He started staying out late during the week DAYS, and none of his excuses ever really matched up. His porn usage increased. He wanted NOTHING to do with me sexually, and he started picking fights with me during times he *was* home---even going so far as to blame our lack of a sex life on me because I was probably "screwing around"---just so he'd have an excuse to leave the house.

 

I noticed his change in behavior from the second it started. I guess he thought I was blind, deaf, and stupid because he denied, denied, denied! And then whenever I caught him doing something wrong, he lied, lied, and and lied again, BADLY! I observed his behavior for about four months before it all came to a head. I never once let him think my guard was down or that I wasn't watching him. The stress of getting caught made him make even more mistakes, and it helped to confirm my suspicions. It eventually happened that I made a suprise stop at home one afternoon, upon gut instinct no less, while we were both supposed to be at work. I noticed a car parked in front of our mailbox, and ever so silently, inserted the key into the front lock and entered our home. Lo and behold, I walked in on him having sex with a barely-legal girl in our bed!!! There it was, right in my face! And he STILL refused to admit that he had cheated on me!!! What a TARD!

 

Luckily, I had pretty much had it with him when his behavior had first gotten underway, so the split didn't really hurt as much as it could have, had I been emotionally dependent on him at all. Seeing him banging a naive young girl in our bed was a huge slap in the face, obviously. And I was RAGING PISSED about it! But it was also liberating. That image burned into my mind and has caused me more comfort than anything ever has. When I got out, I KNEW it was for GOOD! Fortunately, I'd stopped trusting him LONG before I ever caught him with that girl so seeing that was just the final nail in his coffin. Honestly, I don't ever remember *really* trusting him, not in the way that I'd imagine a committed couple should. Plus, I'm a little psychic, and good at reading people, and I think I just always saw the possibility for disaster within him. And he never grew out of his selfishness so our final split proved more of an inconvenience than anything. I was the one who had to move out, struggle with the a limited income, fight with him for what was rightfully my property, and I had to do it all while I was a full time student holding down a full time job with no support from anyone else.

 

I don't know how this story helps you, maybe just to encourage you to trust your intuition and don't be foolish and allow him the benefit of the doubt once the doubt gets too deep. Try to find your inner strengths now, and hold on to them, in case something is going on and things fall apart in a few months. And love yourself; it's the best favor a wife can do herself.

 

Good luck! Hope it works out in your favor.

[Unlucky In Love]

Is there one honest man out there? Even my own father was a cheater. He cheated on my mom and brought the 1/2 empty boxes of condoms home and proudly displayed them on his dresser.

 

Unfortunately, our society programs young men from an early age that banging a lot of girls is what makes them a real man. All of the programing on tv glamorizes cheating, and breaking up relationships. Soap operas thrive on the notion of infidelity.

 

When are were going to address these problems in our society? When are we going to teach young men that the way to be a real man is to respect your wife, be faithful, and work hard to provide for your family?

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

[average guy]

My father taught me to respect my wife. Unfortunately he did it by beating, lying to and cheating on my mother. He was the spitting image of an a$#h@le husband. When I was young I swore I would never be like him and I never have cheated on, hit or lied to my wife of 12 years. So, maybe for every a$#h@le husband out there, there is also an honest one as well.

 

What I honestly have a hard time understanding are the men/women who sleep with mariied people. I have been "offered" affairs with married women before, but would never do anything because I always imagined what the husband would feel like if he found out, and I couldn't imagine hurting someone like that. Do people that sleep with married people want to hurt someone? Are they vicsious and ruthless, or just uncaring and selfish? Have they not developed empathy in childhood? I just can't imagine sex being so great that you can ignore the knowledge that you will be breaking someone else's heart. So I guees what I am saying, is that for every horrible a$#h@le cheating spouse out there, there is also a ruthless, selfish, uncaring person sleeping with them. To me, that's a horrible reflection of the society we live in

[KatAnn]

Three Cheers for Average Guy! For some reason I believe you and respect your morals. Keep up the good work and thanks for showing me a glimmer of hope.

[Debster]

I can't believe he had the balls to deny it when you caught him in bed with someone - in your own bed!!! Jeez....

 

To Unlucky in Love:

I can't believe your father had the gall to leave his condoms on the dresser. If I was your mom, I would have lost it!

 

Clearly there are some real as$holes out there.

But luckily there are honest, non-cheating men out there too!

[Cupcake]

I'm not married yet. But I can certainly believe that Cheated on too's husband denied it red handed. I caught one of my ex-boyfriends in the same situation. They were in his room and she was giving him a BJ. The first words out of his mouth were, "baby, it's not what it looks like."

 

Then he began to insult my intelligence as I packed my bags to leave. He said that I was so insecure that I had imagined to whole thing. He called me so many terrible names because I was leaving him. People like this are ruthless. They don't care about anyone but themselves.

 

The world would be a much better place if we could gather all these people up and bury them in a dark cave to torture each other. LOL.

[Butterfly_Queen]

Hello Lizzard, I'm sorry you're

going through this. I agree with all the above posters, you need to keep you eyes and ears open. I think something is in the works or it has already happenend. Pay close attention to things. You already have been given some red flags. I'm going through a similar situation as well. I have some flags to, no actual proof yet. However if I play my cards right I might just find that out soon enough. Hate having to find something out like that, but rather know than not. Keep us posted.

[JulieMint]

WOW, to read these posts I finally feel like there are real, decent folks left in this world. I just got divorced because I couldn't handle my husband cheating on me with porn. I posted another post where I was virtually attacked by people telling me nothing is wrong with my husband fantasizing and jacking off to really hard core porno mags. This is cheating - he's needing other women to get off on.

 

Why are people so accepting of men's behaviors like this? I have a 12 year old son and by god I'm raising him to respect women. I've already told him about sex and that banging every girl you can get ahold of is not proof that you're a man. Being a man is being a loving, respectful boyfriend or father who is trustworthy and safe.

 

I think too many guys are raised to think being a gentleman is a sign of weakness. But yet these are the guys who are divorced trying to fill that empty void..... The nice guys have the long lasting relationships and marriages.

 

My son is going to be raised with morals and to treat women with kindness and respect. I have to raise him by myself because his father died after he was born but his father was - so far - the only gentleman I ever was fortunate to have a 5 year marriage with.

 

I just ended my last marriage (which lasted only 5 months) because my ex was a cheater and a liar and a porn addict. He agreed to give all that up when we got married because he said "I only want you - I don't need that".

 

WRONG - he lied and purchased more. Now he's divorced, sitting at home with hsi KY Jelly and his High Society living a sad lonely existence - back right where he was before I came into his life.

 

It's sad so many men lie, cheat and act like dogs but with every loser out there I know there are some really sweet loyal guys. I know I'll find one eventually.

[neptoon]

To me, porn is a personal issue that needs to be worked out by the couple. Some couples like to enjoy it together, others don't feel it's right. I think there needs to be a mutual understanding about what's acceptable and what's not and both parties must respect the terms that have been agreed upon. What turns the situation bad is when either party lies about it.

 

But, as for the media ... I really think that there's a (and I hate using this word) "conspiracy" to break up marriages and relationships at certain times. Yes, they do glamorize infidelity. At the end of the day, we wind up with a lot of pathetic (and apathetic) people who cannot think for themselves. Ever noticed what's acceptable in our society -- if we're able to betray those we love, it's even easier to betray those we aren't as intimate with. It becomes a selfish free-for-all hedonistic society that cares for nothing but the self.

 

I believe that there is a logical reason for the media doing this -- ever notice the type of programming that goes on when there's an economic downturn? They're all about infidelity and break-ups. The programming targeted at women insinuate that all men cheat. The programming targeted at men glamorize cheating to men. I believe the media plays the two sexes against each other until there's a split to generate economic activity.

 

I've come to believe it has a lot to do with economics -- just think about it -- it generates more economic activity when people split up -- a family unit will now live in two separate households instead of one (that's double the rent), if they were sharing a car before they'll now need two separate cars, plus the ripple effect from the legal fees of separation. There's probably lots of other economic activity generated from splitting people up but too many to think about and list. But when this happens en masse, it can be a lot of economic activity. My friend who works at the bank notices that people merge and split assets all around the same times. Values? What values? The only value has become the almighty dollar. This is the kind of bull$hit society we live in.

 

Of course, I have absolutely nothing to prove this .... it's just an observation.

 

Think about Cheated On Too's husband -- how he maintained himSELF, he looked at himSELF in the mirror all the time ... it all became about him. What a selfish, egocentric bastard! It's ok, though, life has a way of dishing out what people deserve. What goes around comes around.