Struggling to tell him how I feel, without hurting his feelings

[JazzyFox]

I've been concerned lately that I am often the one who initiates sex and expands more than my fair share of energy. He is happy to lay back, and let me do most of the work. I decided to back off, and let him come to me when he was ready.

 

But almost a week has gone by, and nothing.

 

As much as he can make me feel loved and adored ... when I see this pattern, I feel that it must be me. It makes me feel awful about myself. I start thinking that perhaps my love is one-sided.

 

I need to talk to him about it. Tonight.

 

I need to do it without crying or accusing.

 

Help!

[Philosoraptor]

Instead of accusing use "I feel" and explain how you feel. Don't blame him for things but instead tell him how doing something specific would make you feel.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I have had the exact same experience. I have talked about it with him more than once. I've cried, too. He hates it when he realizes I'm feeling undesirable and that he has let me down. He makes effort - and then slips back into his same pattern.

 

I also tried the tact of waiting for him to take the initiative - and was frustrated and disappointed. Also, it added some stress and negativity to the rest of our relationship,

 

It's bothering me less and less as time goes on. Somehow, I have managed to move away from the mind set that this is because of me and my desirability to him. If I think about it too much, I can fall back into that, but it is not good for me or for our relationship.

 

Bottom line is that my husband and I have a level of sexual incompatibility. Both of us like to be on the receiving end of the desire and seduction. On the positive side, once we are into it, we are profoundly sexually compatible.

 

I now have "trained" myself to do things that a couple of years ago would have been extremely out of my comfort zone, like tell him, "I really need and want to have wild sex with you tonight" early in the day. That does not fit with my ideal notion of being ravished by my man who is sick with desire for me. But, he seems to respond well to it and he always smiles when I say it … and then he takes a lot more initiative once we go to bed.

 

He and I still have quite a bit more work to do in that department, but I feel a lot better now.

[JazzyFox]

Thanks Chaucer. It does bring me some comfort to see that my feelings are not unusual, when initiating become unbalanced.

 

The anxiety it brings me just eats away at me physically. Can't eat, sleep or even look him in the eye. He knew there was a problem this morning, but I couldn't tell him in the 15 minutes we had before going to work ... and everytime I saw the concern on his face, I just wanted to bawl.

 

He sent me a few emails today, concerned. I told him we would talk about it tonight.

 

This situation feeds directly into both of our core insecurities ... mine, for not really feeling good enough (bright enough, pretty enough, sex enough) for him ... and his, for not being "enough of a man" for me. I know that when I tell him, it will seriously affect him. Even if I word it with "I feel, etc etc" ... he will see right through that psychobabble and yet will be hurt by what I am supposedly not saying.

 

I feel wretched.

 

Sometimes I think that maybe I can stuff this issue back into a closet, into a deep hole, and just forget about it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I know. It's a topic loaded with land mines, and sometimes it does seem a lot easier and maybe even better to not discuss. But since it's eating away at you, you need to talk about it.

 

I found it difficult when I did broach the terribly sensitive issue, and I was so careful, and I know he understood - and then things still fell back to the status quo. I did start to feel angry at him, I started to be unaffectionate and distant.

 

This did not help anything, and pretty much just fed into me feeling more crappy about it.

 

After you talk about it, never forget that you DID talk about it and what you said will live inside of his head. You don't want to start nagging about this - talk about a passion killer.

 

I think what really helped me was figuring out how to get my ego and self esteem out of the way. It wasn't easy AT ALL. I am no longer young - it's easy for me to see, every day, how I don't look like I used to, even though I take care of myself and I'm pretty vain. And, it's very easy to go to "if I was 20 years younger, would he react to me this way?" And, you know what? The answer might be, "no." But thinking about that is poisonous.

 

I know he loves me, I love him, he is proud of me, he thinks I'm a prize, I am not 20 or 30, neither is he, we have each other, our sex life is a treasure and a gift as is our entire relationship - and both of us are entrusted with nurturing that and making it very very good.

[JazzyFox]

Thanks Chaucer. What I need right now is courage.

 

Ive taken the time to write it down in a letter. Ill keep the letter with me, just in case I need the crutch.

 

Am I wrong to start the conversation with some questions ... here are the few opening questions I was thinking of?

- are you sexually attracted to me?

- do you feel that we have been equally sharing the responsibility for initiating intimacy?

- do you feel that we have been equally sharing the responsibility for intimacy?

 

And then Ill explain to him how this lack of balance affects me.

[JazzyFox]

Thanks Chaucer. What I need right now is courage.

 

Ive taken the time to write it down in a letter. Ill keep the letter with me, just in case I need the crutch.

 

Am I wrong to start the conversation with some questions ... here are the few opening questions I was thinking of?

- are you sexually attracted to me?

- do you feel that we have been equally sharing the responsibility for initiating intimacy?

- do you feel that we have been equally sharing the responsibility for intimacy?

 

And then Ill explain to him how this lack of balance affects me.

 

Thoughts?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'll think about it more, but I am not feeling like these questions are the place to start. It kind of puts stuff immediately on him, and some people feel cornered by that and maybe even have a defense mechanism that tells them to try to answer "correctly" rather than really honestly. It could get the whole thing off to the wrong start.

 

I'm more in the camp of just being honest about how you are feeling, and what would really help you to feel better - things that are well within the realm of possible for him to do for you and for the good of your relationship.

 

Then ask him how HE is feeling about all of it.

 

Speak from your heart. Speak for yourself and try not to point fingers at all.

 

And I know this is a gross generalization - harkening back to the "are men simple" thread - but in my case I know that having black and white positive solutions to problems laid out really helped. It's not very romantic or sexy if you're wanting to feel ravished, like I did (do) , and seems counter - intuitive to say "I would really like it, and I even NEED you to initiate sex with me once a week" and then even be willing and ready to remind him in the morning that you are SO looking forward to him initiating sex with you that night …

 

Don't forget, either, that a man of your husband's age might be having a testosterone decrease. I think that's easy to remedy. And you can help him feel that there is absolutely no shame in that.

[JazzyFox]

Good advice. You are right, I don't want to start him on the defensive.

 

As for testosterone, he's been on the shots for 8 months. His levels have improved dramatically, but after the jolt of the initial months, things have tapered a bit. He's still a very willing participant, as long as I initiate and put in some effort.

 

I'm just tired of initiating.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he is being a bit like Floridaman, in that he is too cautious about waiting for me to "be ready". Just take me, caveman.

[Lauriebell82]

Suggested convo:

 

Jazzy: Hey honey, I have noticed that I often initiate sex and do a lot of the seducing. Why is this happening?

Jazzy's SO: (his response-doesn't matter what he says)

Jazzy: It's nice to feel desired and sexy. I want you to initiate and be seductive. It would be exciting for me.

 

See how you ask him a question for a response to open the lines of communication? THEN you follow up whatever his reason is by a few short statements. Not requests or questoins. Statements. People have more trouble becoming defensive from short statements then requests.

[JazzyFox]

Suggested convo:

 

Jazzy: Hey honey, I have noticed that I often initiate sex and do a lot of the seducing. Why is this happening?

Jazzy's SO: (his response-doesn't matter what he says)

Jazzy: It's nice to feel desired and sexy. I want you to initiate and be seductive. It would be exciting for me.

 

See how you ask him a question for a response to open the lines of communication? THEN you follow up whatever his reason is by a few short statements. Not requests or questoins. Statements. People have more trouble becoming defensive from short statements then requests.

 

Laurie: great idea. I wish I had posted this thread yesterday before I had my sleepless night and wanted to puke all morning.

 

That said, now hubby saw me completely distressed this morning, and knows something is wrong, and that we have something to talk about tonight.

 

If I downplay it with your proposal ... he's going to be saying "like WTF?"

[xxoo]

If I downplay it with your proposal ... he's going to be saying "like WTF?"

 

 

It's ok to tell him how worked up you get over the perceived imbalance, and all the "worst case fears" that run through your head. Let him in on what goes through your mind when days go by without him approaching you for sex.

 

Just don't put him on the defensive with, "you make me feel _____ when you...."

 

It's more like, "I feel _____ when I think....."

[Lauriebell82]

Laurie: great idea. I wish I had posted this thread yesterday before I had my sleepless night and wanted to puke all morning.

 

That said, now hubby saw me completely distressed this morning, and knows something is wrong, and that we have something to talk about tonight.

 

If I downplay it with your proposal ... he's going to be saying "like WTF?"

 

Okay, if he questions why you were so upset you could be honest and say that you were nervous about the conversation and didn't want to hurt his feelings because you love him. That shows empathy and consideration. It's almost like a little game you have to play with men. They aren't real quick on the uptake so if you play to their wants/needs it avoids fights and conflict. It seems like you are giving the control, but actually it's you who is in control.

 

This probably all sounds really manipulative but since I started implementing these techniques the fights and conflict with my husband have drastically decreased. The one I use the most often is that when my husband gets irratated about something and snaps at me I just bascially ignore it/don't feed into it and leave him alone. He realizes what an idiot he made out of himself and apologizes. All over.

Edited February 21, 2012 by Lauriebell82

[JazzyFox]

 

I'm sick to my stomach just thinking about it. 2 hours to go.

 

 

That said, all your suggestions are excellent. I'm just not very good at dealing with conflict (or perceived conflict), and I'm scared to say the wrong thing.

 

Maybe I'll buy a bottle of wine on the way home.

[xxoo]

 

I'm sick to my stomach just thinking about it. 2 hours to go.

 

 

That said, all your suggestions are excellent. I'm just not very good at dealing with conflict (or perceived conflict), and I'm scared to say the wrong thing.

 

Maybe I'll buy a bottle of wine on the way home.

 

Aw, he's your husband! You are safe with him.

 

This is hard for you, but the effort is an investment in your relationship. By avoiding conflict, you would build up resentments and grow apart.

 

One last tip--instead of wine, hold his hand while you talk. The physical connection can ease a tough conversation.

[Lauriebell82]

One last tip--instead of wine, hold his hand while you talk. The physical connection can ease a tough conversation.

 

Yeah, I agree with this. While alcohol may "loosen you up" you won't be in complete control of your actions and you both should do this as yourselves, not under the influence of something.

 

Also, if you use alcohol to deal with conversations that may cause conflict, that may become a learned behavior and you will not be able to build up healthy communication skills.

[JazzyFox]

Aw, he's your husband! You are safe with him.

 

This is hard for you, but the effort is an investment in your relationship. By avoiding conflict, you would build up resentments and grow apart.

 

One last tip--instead of wine, hold his hand while you talk. The physical connection can ease a tough conversation.

 

Honestly, xxoo, this posting made me feel much better.

 

You are totally right.

[Mme. Chaucer]

It will be okay! XO

[JazzyFox]

OMG (LOL) what was I thinking? I anguished over this little thing for so long. Thank you LSmates for listening and providing guidance.

 

First off, when I got home, he was all over me like a wet blanket. WTF? I'm telling you, my husband has ESP.

 

Anyways, later that evening, I did as was suggested, and held his hand, looked into his eyes, and told him that I wasn't happy with how much initiation I was doing, or that I had taken such an active role. I told him how turned on I was when he initiatied things or took the active role. I told him that I wanted to find a new balance.

 

Then I asked him what he thought.

 

HAHAHA

 

He said, "you know, you've been initiating sex for such a long time, that I just assumed that when you weren't initiating, it was because you weren't in the mood. So I would just content myself to cuddle with you".

 

WOW. I never expected him to say that.

 

Well, I'm guessing he thought about it before going to bed or something, because when I woke up, and after we got frisky, he laid out a plan for us. He asked me if doing this would help me get back "my loving feeling". He asked if I would like to do it everyday, almost ritualistic-like.

 

Huh?

 

OMG, I love my husband.

 

Why did I turn myself inside out for bringing this up? I think I need to become more comfortable asking things of my husband, and partner.

[xxoo]

He said, "you know, you've been initiating sex for such a long time, that I just assumed that when you weren't initiating, it was because you weren't in the mood. So I would just content myself to cuddle with you". .

 

It crossed my mind yesterday that this might be the case!

 

Awesome resolution. Good job!

[Under_the_Radar]

I've been concerned lately that I am often the one who initiates sex and expands more than my fair share of energy. He is happy to lay back, and let me do most of the work. I decided to back off, and let him come to me when he was ready.

 

But almost a week has gone by, and nothing.

 

As much as he can make me feel loved and adored ... when I see this pattern, I feel that it must be me. It makes me feel awful about myself. I start thinking that perhaps my love is one-sided.

 

I need to talk to him about it. Tonight.

 

I need to do it without crying or accusing.

 

Help!

 

Just a thought...........

 

Would he be willing to get his hormones checked? I know that typically, this is a female thing to do, but I have had some friends whose hormones where all jacked up and their testosterone was WAY low (fortunately for me, my drive has always been higher than my wife's, she got her hormones in balance and now we are about equal, life is good!!!).

 

I am 42 and I know that after the age of 30, a man's testosterone drops 2 to 3% every year. I have actually started taking testosterone just to keep and enhance what I already have. It has done wonders four our love life!

 

Again, just a thought...........

[Mme. Chaucer]

That is lovely. The fact that you were willing and able to even initiate this talk (haha, initiate - seems like a loaded word here) will prove to enhance your closeness with your husband, I'm certain.

 

Enjoy your love!

[Mme. Chaucer]

OP has never implied that she's "undercut" his masculinity.

 

She is allowed to feel sensitive and apprehensive about this topic. Some men (you sound like you might be one of them) could take it as a slight to their masculinity when their spouse expresses concerns about their sex life.

 

Why don't you confine yourself to the information the OP shares rather than looking for ways to undermine her. It's really sick how you come here, over and over, looking for people who are feeling vulnerable and insecure and preying on their weaknesses to drag them down.

[JazzyFox]

As it turns out the reason he didn't initiate is because he was afraid to do so--assuming that sex was only allowed to happen in your relationship if you wanted it to.

 

Those grounds rules in your marriage didn't just pop into being by accident.

 

Adam ... you are totally right. First, I am an alpha-female, very assertive and demanding. I always have a plan, an agenda, a goal, etc. This is the first relationship where I have allowed myself to let go and be less assertive/demanding, because my husband and I are both alphas and we share in this role. He is the only person that I trust to lead me, and make plans for our vacations, weekend trips, major purchases, etc.

 

That said, I probably do the lions share of organizing our daily time, activities, groceries, etc. I have gotten into the habit of asking him what he wants to do ... but he is often happy to just follow my lead on these more trivial items.

 

Second, there were times, many months ago, where he would initiate and get quite assertive in bed. And it just so happened that twice in the same week many months ago, and for my own health reasons, I asked him to stop and he asked me what was wrong, and I wouldn't answer because I was embarassed, and started crying, and he just felt plain awful. He said that it made him "feel like he was raping me".

 

While he has initated since then, I do think that he became more cautious in his approach. And then over time, I became more assertive in bed. And a new pattern emerged. He was happy to do whatever pleased me. And he never turned me down. He just was waiting for my lead.

 

But then lately, I got tired of leading. And I would stop leading, hoping he would take over. But he didn't. He just assumed that it was because I wasn't in the mood, and so he would find other ways to be affectionate and loving.

 

This whole story is a great example of how important communication is in a marriage. Another lesson learned.

[JazzyFox]

It's really sick how you come here, over and over, looking for people who are feeling vulnerable and insecure and preying on their weaknesses to drag them down.

 

Chaucer, is adamant another reincarnation of our troll? Thanks for pointing it out.

 

That said, Im happy to spar! As long as we stay above the belt.