Struggling to tell him how I feel, without hurting his feelings

[JazzyFox]

Adam, it would be great if you stopped changing profiles every 2 days. It would make it much easier for me to stalk you. Plus you could accumulate all the "like" numbers when you do really good posts.

[Lauriebell82]

Adam, it would be great if you stopped changing profiles every 2 days. It would make it much easier for me to stalk you. Plus you could accumulate all the "like" numbers when you do really good posts.

 

I think Trisha had a change of gender...

[Mme. Chaucer]

But, Tricia is trying to be good, for now … until he has one of his disconcerting rage flashes.

[Lauriebell82]

But, Tricia is trying to be good, for now … until he has one of his disconcerting rage flashes.

 

Tricia tried to be good at first also but it didn't last long. Tomorrow it will be a new name.

[JazzyFox]

I have hope for AdamAnt. Plus he is often right on target in his comments. I say, may the games (re)begin.

 

[JazzyFox]

now now, "totally" does not equal "always"

 

Now, when will we have the opportunity to tackle an "adamant" issue or challenge?

[Lauriebell82]

I have hope for AdamAnt. Plus he is often right on target in his comments. I say, may the games (re)begin.

 

 

Yeah he was okay in this thread, read some of others though...

[JazzyFox]

well, i think it's because he "respects" me

:lmao:

[subhub40]

Did it ever occur that your sex drive is simply higher/faster than his? I mean, if you're initiating every day, when exactly is he supposed to do anything? Men do have a "maximum output", and it starts to fall after age 19.

 

That being said, if your drive is higher, don't you feel it's only necessary and logical that you would make the extra effort? Where's the enticement to perform at such a high level? How are you keeping him turned on enough to please you at your preferred interval?

 

This whole thread is full of your wants and needs, but where does he fit in (no double-entendre intended) seeing as he is the harder one (again, no DE intended) to stimulate?

 

One thing is for sure, your endless whining here isn't turning anybody on.

 

I've been concerned lately that I am often the one who initiates sex and expands more than my fair share of energy. He is happy to lay back, and let me do most of the work. I decided to back off, and let him come to me when he was ready.

 

But almost a week has gone by, and nothing.

 

As much as he can make me feel loved and adored ... when I see this pattern, I feel that it must be me. It makes me feel awful about myself. I start thinking that perhaps my love is one-sided.

 

I need to talk to him about it. Tonight.

 

I need to do it without crying or accusing.

 

Help!

Edited February 29, 2012 by subhub40
grammar

[The Blue Knight]

I have had the exact same experience. I have talked about it with him more than once. I've cried, too. He hates it when he realizes I'm feeling undesirable and that he has let me down. He makes effort - and then slips back into his same pattern.

 

I also tried the tact of waiting for him to take the initiative - and was frustrated and disappointed. Also, it added some stress and negativity to the rest of our relationship,

 

It's bothering me less and less as time goes on. Somehow, I have managed to move away from the mind set that this is because of me and my desirability to him. If I think about it too much, I can fall back into that, but it is not good for me or for our relationship.

 

Bottom line is that my husband and I have a level of sexual incompatibility. Both of us like to be on the receiving end of the desire and seduction. On the positive side, once we are into it, we are profoundly sexually compatible.

 

I now have "trained" myself to do things that a couple of years ago would have been extremely out of my comfort zone, like tell him, "I really need and want to have wild sex with you tonight" early in the day. That does not fit with my ideal notion of being ravished by my man who is sick with desire for me. But, he seems to respond well to it and he always smiles when I say it … and then he takes a lot more initiative once we go to bed.

 

He and I still have quite a bit more work to do in that department, but I feel a lot better now.

 

Chaucer,

I think your "training" approach is a good one. Setting the tone for what you'd like to see later that day is a great idea. I've had to use that tactic myself a few times because my wife doesn't have that innate desire either much of the time.

 

 

[The Blue Knight]

Sorry I didn't see this posting until today Jazzy. You and Chaucer are echoing my original posting last July . . . but the genders are switched of course.

 

These female postings still amaze me to read. I can't figure out why guys who have such willing wives are standing around waiting for an invitation to have wild crazy sex.

 

I am starting to wonder if a lot of this has to do with what I'd term as "patterned sexual expectations." In other words, if one spouse comes to realize over time that the other has a higher sex drive, they begin over the months and years to become complacent and don't see any point in putting in much effort toward sexual intimacy. Does that make sense?

 

I can't speak for the ladies but I think for men, the catching and the conquering of a woman being pursued by the man is largely part of what motivates them in the beginning of the relationship so their libido's are set "on high" at that time. Afterward, many of them settle into a sexual lull where they don't see the necessity of pursuing.

 

I'm not really built that way. But then my libido is always set on high for the most part. I'd pursue my wife today sexually as much as I would have 15 years ago.

 

BUT, consider this . . . thinking back to my first marriage in which I was in my early 20s to my mid 30s (testosterone is on high for most men at that age) I didn't pursue as hard once we were married and I think that was because my ex wife was far more assertive/aggressive sexually.

 

In other words I could sit back and be more passive because she would come to me as often as I'd come to her sexually. She could only go two or three days before she'd be "needing it" so I didn't have to over-think pursuing sex with her. I knew it was a given.

 

Contrastingly, in my current marriage of 15 years I was the initiator 90% of the time and the 10% that she "initiated" felt to me like it was more because she felt my frustration on the issue as opposed to really desiring sex.

 

We seem to have made enormous strides there and she's gotten better today because this subject really came to a head for me when I was posting last July about it. But I have no doubt that my libido remains much higher than her's does.

 

Does this make sense? If your husband has become accustomed to you bringing up sex and initiating sex without any effort from him that may be why he's seldom pursuing.

 

In the perfect marriage both sexes would be anxiously pursuing one another 90% of the time so that there would be a mutual feeling of desire, attraction, wanting, etc. But most of the time it doesn't happen that way unfortunately.

 

I'm not suggesting that you play the hold out game to see what happens. I'm just offering what might be one of the factors playing into low libido husbands.

 

If you want to see his libido increase literally as you're standing in front of him, just suggest that the marriage isn't working and you're considering a physical separation. I mean this somewhat fictitiously to outline a point. What's the human trait when someone believes something that they've always assumed was there is now in jeopardy of not being there at all? If you've ever studied "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs" you'll grasp what I'm saying here.

 

Now, why anyone's husband just lies there and let's his wife do all the work remains a mystery to me. That's something that always needs some degree of balance and both sexes need to be active and passive during the throes of intimacy. While I enjoy being passive from time to time I can only hold out for 5 to 10 minutes and then I want to be involved and active because by that point she's got my fire lit.

 

The husband who just lies there I have no explanation for. Hopefully he's not reading the paper or watching TV while you're doing your thing.