"Arrangement" Relationship

[volvo99]

Seeking feedback especially from those who have been in such a relationship. I'm a 38 y.o. male, with better than average looks and education. However, the traditional romantic relationship has historically been frustrating for me. I was thinking of moving toward a more platonic type of relationship, one where my partner would be rewarded with "girly" things as compensation for her time with me.

 

My pros on this: Puts sexual tension and romantic expectations on the back burner with a clearly defined set of rules, if you will. Opens the door toward meeting a new type of woman who otherwise wouldn't give me the time of day, whether based on looks, age, or otherwise. Since it is platonic, it means moving on is easier since their is no sexual involvement or connection.

 

My cons: I'd have to be discipline to weed or gold diggers or treasure hunters (gifts, not cash). Possibility of boundaries being broken without a good, established reason to. Misreading another's intentions for wanting this type of relationship.

 

Thoughts?

[volvo99]

But my point wasn't just for sex. I think sex complicates things and then you might as well go foe either a FWB or a monogamous, committed relationship.

 

What I find attractive is that by setting boundaries, it makes a clean break that much easier as long as it is all agreed upon.

 

All relationships require some form or currency; sexual, tangible, economic, emotional...

[Titania22]

Volvo I once met a man and we hit it off, and then he gave me the just friends talk, which was fine. We became awesome friends, and he visited every saturday at 5:15pm for a cup of tea, and we spent most saturday evenings together, having the best (platonic) fun and conversations. We had a real connection. It was the best male relationship of my life, and went miles in healing my attitude towards men.

 

So you will probably find someone who is happy to spend time with you like that.

 

He did however say in the "friends" talk, that women always say they are fine with it, but sooner or later always want sex. So it might take you a few go's to find the right girl. In my case he was 15yrs older then me, so there wasn't much danger for him that i would want to have sex.

 

I wouldn't however bring up the buying gifts thing. Surprise gifts are so much better anyway. As for my friend he brought dinner for me and my kids on my birthday. And generally we split everything 50-50 which favoured me as often my kids were around and needed to eat too.

 

Good Luck!

[volvo99]

Sounds great; but then does the act of spontaneous or unanticipated "gifting" create a sense of obligation?

 

I wish to find someone mature who can see past that; but I sense that the act of receiving something automatically triggers an obligation response.

[spookie]

Why can't u make friends rather than buying them?

[volvo99]

Because in "making" friends I find some roadblocks...

 

-You oftentimes need a shared interest, value, or are in shared capacity; friend of a friend or family, or know them through school, work or some association. In an 'arrangement", none of this needs to be relevant.

-Friendship may lead to something more. Something I'd like to put a boundary on.

-In an "association", you have the opportunity to meet someone whose looks or personality you might otherwise not have an opportunity to meet in any other way, or are just intimidated to try to meet otherwise.

-"Association" lets you set firm boundaries when/where you meet. Sometimes you just want alone time. It also means you can end it when you want, on your terms.

[Feelin Frisky]

I think you're intellectualizing something that is bound to go off script as soon as you really each find out if there's chemistry. Why not just embrace that there's mystery and drama in romance and try to make intelligent choices without intellectualized expectations. Love and sex are reckless abandons that feel fantastic--they are far less so when they are nothing but calculations. Ever hear the term "control freak"? Well, a control freak wants a robot partner who runs a software program. That's missing the point IMO. It's all about being loved and desired in addition to feeling those things about the same person--not execution of terms of a script. oye.

[FitChick]

Advertise for a lipstick lesbian who is still in the closet and needs to be seen with a man to allay her family's fears or if she works in a conservative office. Otherwise hire an escort. Not all of them have sex.

[Titania22]

Sounds great; but then does the act of spontaneous or unanticipated "gifting" create a sense of obligation?

 

I wish to find someone mature who can see past that; but I sense that the act of receiving something automatically triggers an obligation response.

 

It can feel like that, but it doesn't have to.

 

So long as you make it clear that your gift is just out of appreciation of what you are already getting out of the friendship. I have received many gifts from one of my girlfriends, purely because I meant that much to her, and something crossed her path that made her think of me, like dresses, that she thought would look good on me (and she was right, she had an uncanny knack for that). Not all people have a problem accepting gifts.

 

And as for wanting boundaries, you get from from giving her the no sex talk at the start, and again if it seems that she didn't get the message the first time.

 

Seriously what you are wanting to give to a woman, is a gift few men offer up, an actual deep friendship without the associated pressure of sex. When I was broken it was my friendship i spoke about earlier that did everything to repair my belief in men, and I am infinitely grateful for that. That gift is the best gift you have to offer, much better then anything you could buy.