Advice needed on how to keep my cool

[Dragonflys]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am currently getting to know a wonderful woman at the place I work. She works on the same floor and we seem to be slowly spending more time together. She and I are both Australian and we are living in the U.S.

 

Story is I have seen her around for about a year, but only introduced myself to her about 4 months ago. For about 2 months we would say hi in the corridor and since then we have coffee breaks together and visit each other. Lately it has gone from about 2 times a week to almost every day. We smile at each other when we meet and we mostly have great conversations. We are both very busy people and I make a point not to overdo seeing her or interfere with her work. So far all is going quite nicely. Last weekend I invited her for a day out for a walk in Central Park and lunch but she was out of town for the weekend, however this weekend she has invited me to her house on Saturday for the day.

 

I am really set on taking this slowly, very slowly, because I know from talking to her indirectly (just conversation)about dating and stuff that she is for keeps and I want to settle down with a good happy woman (I'm 29).

 

Now for the issue I need advice on.

 

I am inexperienced in relationships, and while confident in most settings, I am still somewhat shy when I begin to feel that someone I am interested in may be interested in me. So I feel this mild uneasiness coming over me lately when I talk to her sometimes...a little fearful I think. So far it has not showed, but what can happen is that I cannot think as clearly about things to say and I find it a little harder to smile and just relax. I get self conscious.

 

Does anyone have advice on how I can just relax myself, have fun and ensure that I stay the way I have been to get things progressing so well so far?.

 

One point I remember is that you should not talk about yourself too much, is that true?..

[Tony T]

Ask lots of questions about her. But don't be too intrusive. Just work on getting to know her better. She will ask you about yourself and things will keep moving from that point.

 

She is not going to bite you, not quite yet anyway. Just relax and let things go where they may. Most men truly relish the place where you are now. Don't let fear rob you of these great times. Enjoy.

[Deejette]

The fact that she asked you to her place shows her interest in you. You really don't have to try that hard. You don't have to try to be witty, charming, entertaining. She just wants to experience the person you already are. You cannot pretend to be someone you are not.

 

You can even let her know how you feel about being so self-conscious. She will feel flattered that she has this effect on you and will put you at ease. Let her help you be at ease.

Ask lots of questions about her. But don't be too intrusive. Just work on getting to know her better. She will ask you about yourself and things will keep moving from that point. She is not going to bite you, not quite yet anyway. Just relax and let things go where they may. Most men truly relish the place where you are now. Don't let fear rob you of these great times. Enjoy.

[Jenna]

Oliver,

 

You don't want to "over-come" these feelings- these are good feelings.

 

You are nervous because you truly like this woman- and you are just being sensitive to the situation. Don't fear the uneasiness- it will pass as you become comfortable being with her in a private setting. Until now you have always been in a "neutral" place- a very casual place- your work place offers many distractions-so if things were getting weird, you would have a place to blend into. Now she has invited you to her home- which in itself is very personal- she has invited you to the place where she lives, and takes refuge. She wants you to see her as a regular person- not just a co-worker- this is good!!

 

Take a bottle of nice wine and a beautiful bouquet of flowers- sound old fashioned??? It is- but it will never go out of style- and women LOVE it!! It shows that you were thinking about her on the way- WE LOVE THAT!!

 

Compliment her home- but don't over do it. Ask about her childhood- where she went to school- things she likes to do in her leisure time- favorite foods- just get to know her- and by doing this she will want to know the same things about you.

 

Good Luck- I envy you - this feeling is sooooo wonderful- embrace it and make it last as long as you can!

 

Jenna

The fact that she asked you to her place shows her interest in you. You really don't have to try that hard. You don't have to try to be witty, charming, entertaining. She just wants to experience the person you already are. You cannot pretend to be someone you are not. You can even let her know how you feel about being so self-conscious. She will feel flattered that she has this effect on you and will put you at ease. Let her help you be at ease.

[Dragonflys]

Thank you so much for the great advice.

 

Take home message is to just to talk to her, be honest, ask questions and look her in the eyes.

 

I know deep down that I just need to be myself, to rally behind my own confidence. Sometimes I get a little anxious because I feel I need to 'stand out' or something, but I think that power lies within me, and is reflected in the fact that I am different from everyone else.

 

Today we had coffee and we had a very long and fruitful conversation. Among many other things, she was actually asking me for advice on how to solve a problem with work collegues. She looks in my eyes most of the time. She strikes me as a little shy (which I like) and she seemed very grateful for what I said to her. I also know she is very independant and mentally strong.

 

I feel good and patient about how this is going

 

Oliver