How I lost my virginity. And what I learnt on the way.

[Nistan]

So. In this thread I thought that I will tell my story and give some advice to people that are in a similiar situation that I was in. Sorry for my bad english. I'm from sweden

 

My story:

My childhood wasn't a happy one. I was bullied in school and physically and mentally abused by my mother.

The bullying was standard. I was an akward tall kid in my youth. It didn't help that I was ordinarilly the only black kid in my swedish school. I can say that I learnt alot of how to defend myself from the teasing.

 

The abuse from my mom was what ****ed me up real bad. She used to emasculate me. Once she threathened me with a knife. Then mocked me of how I wasn't a man because I cried in total terror.

 

Needless to say I became depressed. I developed internet addiction dissorder.

My life was pretty ****. I lived at home with my abusive mother until I was 22.

 

My life changed for the better when I realized that I was suicidal. I searched for conventional help from an psychiatrist. For myself I started to meditate. Started evening school got my grades up and, six months later, enrolled at a university.

 

At that time I never had a girlfriend. Never kissed one, etc. I kinda gave up. My mother kinade damaged me. I was deathly afraid of confrontations and couldn't fully thrust anybody. I decided then, that I would change that. I looked for help in forums like loveshack.org. I was kinda dissapointed. All I could find was very vague and nothing conrete. I'm a very ojective person and like structured advice (notice that I was still to hurting and to ashamed to write in myself).

 

That was when I found(sadly) PUA. Despite it's shortcomings. the advice given worked very well. The summer before I enrolled at uni I felt better about myself then I ever had. three weeks in at first semester I hooked up with my current girlfriend and lost my V-card. .

 

So, I thought that I would give some advice for guys that have problems getting girls or are still older.

 

General advice:

 

on being yourself

Alot of advice you see about these things is always stuff like be yourself or something like that. The truth is that most people don't know about these things because they probably learnt about interracions. They probably learnt about stuff like this informally and never really had to think about such things. That is probably why people can seem kinda cruel on these boards. When you don't understand why somethings wrong you usually blame the victim. Espessially if it is a smaller minority with the problem. The truth is that you can learn about feeling sexy, and funny. If you learn all these stuff you are still yourself. just like everybody else, you just learnt it in a more structures manner.

 

Magical thinking

Because people stay (sometimes willfully) ignorant about these kind of stuff. people will believe the weirdest things. If I didn't do anything about my depression and just plowed through PUA material (nothing I recomend) I probably still could get laid. Alot of unhappy people get laid really easy. or have relationships(not recomended). People think that you have to be at your best to get laid. Not really. Getting a relationhip is just like any other human interraction. If you learn the rules you get better results. We have been oversaturated with self help books that propagate that you should change your "energy level" to get what you want. You really don't.

 

PUA material

Look I know that alot of people are sceptical about the knowledge in these cirkles. But the truth is that many guys have learnt alot and changed their luck in the love game.

90% of the advice you find there is actually kinda mundane(dress better), smile more, get in shape, get used to aproach lots of women. etc. 10% are pure bull**** like NLP or something other. Usually PUA people talk about such things to sound more mysterious that they really are. It's a sales pitch that worked so well that even women started to believe in it and hate it.

Despite this I actually recomend people to read up on it. Because it is probably the only advice you will find that are clear and non judgemental.

 

Realities of love. Not so bad as you think

You as a male are a salesman in the lovescene. The woman is the customer.

It sucks and it shouldn't be like that but that is how we are brought up. But don't be so sad about it. this isn't just a bad thing.

Question, if you are a customer how is your state of mind. I think that you are very picky. That can be okay in material things. But if you are searching for love or relationships. Will you ever be happy? Have you seen a male eat pray love. where the males life is kinda cool, but still he lies at night in the bathroom and bawling like a loser? As a salesman you have to learn to be happy of what you have. That is why I think that the happiest in a relationship always seems to be the man. Alot of things can be compromized in a relationship. And you learn quickly that happiness is what you make of it in a relationship.

 

More on specific advice later.

 

Love, Nist

[Nistan]

More

 

Topic: comformity - You should follow the herd

 

Sure, you are a precious snowflake... just like all the rest of them.

We are the exact wrong species to ask for understanding. Have this in mind. Whatever we say about ourselves the truth is this:

We are more alike than we want to believe and we actually like it that way.

 

The reason you should comform is because you can reach a broader audience.

Even if you search for The One. The logical thing to do is not going flyfishing. You have probably got that advice, search in the same areas that you are comfortable in like the activities that you go to etc Good advice, but why limit yourself? No, use a net and cherrypick the ones you like and throw the rest back to sea. Market yourself to an as broad demographic you possibly can. You might wonder if you will to many incompatible people. The truth is yes. But you will mostly find incompatible people even in your niche. Also beeing able to compromize and find stuff in common with the strangest people is something that you should develop. That is a GOOD thing.

Keep this in mind and conform:

 

Walk, talk and act like you want it

 

 

Dress as you want to get laid or a relationship.

People say that you should dress sharp and try to stand out some. If you are in my age (25), our generation like to be called "indivudualist" just remember to ad the trade mark sign after that word. There are exact codes and rules to how you should be an individualist. Translated to clothes: Pick up a mens fashion mag and look whats trendy. If you like fashion, cool. Othervise, make up some BS story on why you picked those clothes.

 

For relationship oriented virgins

Most people have sexual experience. try to get some also. This applies if you are a virgin or feel unexperienced.

What would you say if somebody said to someone that didnt have any friends: don't wory, you will find someone that will like you for who you are and be your friend. would that be OK advice?

Frankly, I would look at that person as a wierdo. this is what most sex advice outside of PUA cirkles seem to boil down to. Getting a friend is easy if you follow certain rules. So is getting sex.

And if you have a hard time getting over that terrible one: get a LEGAL prostitute.

My plan was to go to a amsterdam and get a prostitute there if I couldn't get laid in the first semester. I decided also that if I got to go to a lady of the night I would go as a celebration. That time would be a learning and sweet experience.

Why? Because it wasn't my fault. I could change alot of things about me. To make me as attractive as possible. To make me as pleasant as possible. But I can't be held acountable of the baggage, genetics and programming that I have. This wasn't about pointing fingers at somebody else. More like an acknowledgement that at some point I would just be punishing myself. So if I did my best and still didn't get the result I wanted then screw it... or her. Then I just explain to a pro that I would like to be thought, and just continue with my life.

 

I think that it's important to just acknowledge that sex isn't something magical, and you are less tense if you have a hum of whats it all about.