halfcrazed_i Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I'm having a bit of a tough time trying to make sense of my situation. I've been with my SO for 2 years. He's one of those people who got married too young... realized his mistake and then divorced. Not even a year after his divorce, we met. This was 2 years ago. He has always given me the disclaimer that he has proximity issues and that he has the tendency to get "suffocated" when he's been with someone too long. And I didn't take this lightly at all. I took it very seriously so I was set to keep the relationship at a slow pace. But he was so contradictory. He asked me to go on holiday after 3 months of dating -- it either made or broke our relationship but he seemed to have survived 4 days with just me. And a year into our relationship, he started asking me to stay over his place more so much. We eventually developed the routine of me staying with him from Thursday to Sunday... and I go back to my place on Monday (which made sense because it's easier to go to work from my place). He would whine to me that he wishes that I stayed over more though... And just last December, his lease was up and since he was going to buy a house this year, he thought it would be a good idea to live together for a while. I was quite surprised -- because of his "proximity issues" this should be the last thing that he suggests. I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. So he moved in with me last January. It's only been a month into the whole moving in together and he's already getting anxiety attacks. Here I am thinking that he's slowly moving forward with this life and leaving his past behind... it suddenly creeps up to him all over again. He's saying that moving in with me reminds him too much of his previous marriage (that ended up in shambles) and that he's starting to feel suffocated all over again. So he started becoming distant and quiet. And I really don't like that... He said that he's always been like that. The more he's with someone, the more he wants to keep away from them. I mean, this isn't news... he has told me this before. This is why I'm surprised he even wanted to move in with me albeit temporary (but we're talking several months). And I find it very unfair that he's projecting his past onto me. He keeps saying that he's been down this road and it bothers him knowing that how the last time ended up. I keep reminding him that I have ZERO timeline or deadline (I seriously have no qualms about not getting married) so any pressure that he feels is completely imagined. I'm more disappointed than anything. I was hoping that he'd think that it'd be different if he's with the right person (perhaps I'm not the right one for him?)... and I'm also annoyed because he clearly doesn't know what he wants. He admits that. And even though I have no timeline or deadline, I feel that I don't have to/want to stick around until he makes a decision on what he wants. I have no doubts that he wants to be with me. But if he can't even live with me, then I don't know how this will turn out in the long-term. I know that he has a lot to work out on his own... he admits he has issues and he told me "you haven't done anything wrong, I know this is all me." And even though it sounds like a cop out, I know that it's always the truth. I'll give him space -- he's right in saying that just because we live together, we don't have to spend 24/7 together. But how much space can I give him if the flat we're living in isn't that big? I mean, seriously... I know the obvious... I know that I shouldn't have to deal with his indecision. And I shouldn't have to be in a relationship that may slowly be getting killed. But I obviously love him and care about him enough. I'd like to think that I have a healthy self-esteem and I know I don't have to deal with this. I'd like to give him time to think... and sort his **** out. He's thinking of taking some time off work to travel so I'm hoping that would help put perspective in his life. What do you guys think? Have any of you guys been in this situation? What's your story? I'd love to hear how you guys dealt with it... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Tell him to go talk to someone, figure this out by seeing a therapist. That you aren't going to wait a long time for him to shi.t or get off the pot. His past issues are affecting you two now - HE has to sort this out, why he feels suffocated. Now, he may be just not ready to commit to anybody or it's possible that things are moving too fast (moving in) and freaking out. Either way he has to make a decision and not go on like this as it's not fair to you. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I think you're wasting your time with this guy. He told you upfront that he has these fears of suffocating in a relationship. You should have believed him, rather than thinking it would be different with you. He needs psychological therapy to get over these issues he's having. I wouldn't recommend you wait for that to happen. Could take quite a while, and it may never be completely extinguished. People like that don't make good relationship partners because they will always be trying to keep you at arm's length. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 It sounds like he thought he could do it, but found that he isn't ready to live with you (or anyone). Do you "need" him to live with you? Does it have to be right now? Maybe he can move out, buy his house, deal with his issues, and try again. Or do you not want to date him anymore knowing he has to live alone and does have these issues that he still needs to work through? Link to post Share on other sites
Author halfcrazed_i Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 Hi guys Thanks for the fast responses You're right all of you... my (usually objective) mind is screaming "GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW" but a part of me knows that he's just really confused right now. And I know he's really struggling with his issues. And I'd like to really help him out one way or another (if that's possible at all). Because I feel that even though I don't have a deadline that I'm putting myself in (or him, or anyone for that matter), I still believe that I deserve to be with someone who can tell me where I stand. The indecision is really unfair for me... and seriously, who knows when he'll figure things out for himself. I'm afraid that I'll just grow resentful of him for making me put my life on hold. But I'd like to dissolve the relationship knowing that I fought too. Perhaps "whichwayisup" is right and that he needs to talk to someone. Maybe we can do relationship counseling or maybe he can see someone about his issues if he's willing. At least we had a go at fixing the problem. "KathyM" - I did believe him when he said he had proximity issues with people. He said it early on and I was totally treading lightly. But as I said, he kept giving me such mixed signals because he'd contradict it himself -- most recently, he was the one who suggested that we should move in together. It made me raise my eyebrows but he said he was ready and he was sure. I guess he wasn't and it's really manifesting now... "NoraJane" -- You're right. He probably thought he could deal and then realized it to be too overwhelming after a while. There's a big "convenience" undertone to us living together as he needs some time to fix the papers of the new house and such. I don't mind seeing it as a convenience rather than "taking our relationship to another step." I just need him to be clear as to what he wants... If we're living together for convenience -- SO BE IT! But I don't want him to give me crap about pressure and suffocation and all that because I'm not giving him any of those (really...) Have you guys had experience with relationship counselling? Does it help at all? Or should he try to see someone on his own first? Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Hi guys Thanks for the fast responses You're right all of you... my (usually objective) mind is screaming "GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW" but a part of me knows that he's just really confused right now. And I know he's really struggling with his issues. And I'd like to really help him out one way or another (if that's possible at all). Because I feel that even though I don't have a deadline that I'm putting myself in (or him, or anyone for that matter), I still believe that I deserve to be with someone who can tell me where I stand. The indecision is really unfair for me... and seriously, who knows when he'll figure things out for himself. I'm afraid that I'll just grow resentful of him for making me put my life on hold. But I'd like to dissolve the relationship knowing that I fought too. Perhaps "whichwayisup" is right and that he needs to talk to someone. Maybe we can do relationship counseling or maybe he can see someone about his issues if he's willing. At least we had a go at fixing the problem. "KathyM" - I did believe him when he said he had proximity issues with people. He said it early on and I was totally treading lightly. But as I said, he kept giving me such mixed signals because he'd contradict it himself -- most recently, he was the one who suggested that we should move in together. It made me raise my eyebrows but he said he was ready and he was sure. I guess he wasn't and it's really manifesting now... "NoraJane" -- You're right. He probably thought he could deal and then realized it to be too overwhelming after a while. There's a big "convenience" undertone to us living together as he needs some time to fix the papers of the new house and such. I don't mind seeing it as a convenience rather than "taking our relationship to another step." I just need him to be clear as to what he wants... If we're living together for convenience -- SO BE IT! But I don't want him to give me crap about pressure and suffocation and all that because I'm not giving him any of those (really...) Have you guys had experience with relationship counselling? Does it help at all? Or should he try to see someone on his own first? Thoughts? This is really his issue to handle. It was there before you entered into the picture, and is not specific to your relationship. He has some kind of fear of intimacy, or fear of losing control that must stem from some experience in his childhood, and will need many months of individual counseling, if not years, to get past. I don't know if it's wise for you to wait around for that. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 What a loser! He's a typical commitmentphobic. He is the one who draws you in closer only to give you this crap about being suffocated afterwards. The only one who is suffocating him is himself! He makes choices and afterwards he cannot stick with it. Break up with him NOW. This relationship will be a constant rollercoaster. He will come closer and just when you start to feel safe, he will become distant again. Throw him out of your place and tell him to never ever bother you again. And I can guarantee you that he will try to get you back because once you are distant, you become attractive. Do you want a relationship with someone who never really enjoys being close when you both want it at the same time? You are not doing anything wrong, it is his problem and he needs to get it fixed (if he wants it to be fixed). As someone said, he needs to either ***** or get of the pot. Don't waste your time with him. Oh one more thing: DO NOT GO TO RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING FOR THIS!!! This has nothing to do with your relationship, it's about HIM!!! Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Halfcrazed, there is way too much baggage with this guy. Marriages and live-in LTRs have a hard enough time surviving when things start off perfect, so if your starting off one of with issues, it most likely is doomed. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I think he tried to "test" himself to see if he could get over the anxiety. Kind of like a flooding technique (when you do something that evokes anxiety in order to learn how to deal with it). And it didn't work. So now he doesn't know WHAT to do. Yes, you probably should have seen it as a red flag to begin with and not pursued the relationship..but that's irrelavant at this point. In his defense. he DID warn you. I do think you should get out of the relationship. It probably isn't going to go anywhere unless he gets help and is willing to change. You could leave the door open and say that if he does get some help and works things out on his own then MAYBE you will consider giving the relationship another try. But I think for now you just should cut your losses and move on. He isn't going to change for you. I agree that the couples counseling isn't a good idea. This is HIS issue, not your's at all. Link to post Share on other sites
JazzyFox Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Every commitment-phobe relationship I had, led to the inevitable results of separation. It's natures way. You are convenient and comfortable to him. Let him go, and move on. He probably won't leave by himself. When I met my husband, I never once doubted his commitment to me. From day one. No games, no toying with my emotions. He made me feel safe, always. Link to post Share on other sites
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