predicament

[jaloka]

I recently broke off my engagement to my fiance because he said not to kids. i have a 10 yr old from my previous marriage and always wanted another child.

 

After my R ended last month, i went back to MM. we have been in an EMR on and off for 6 years. during my years with my fiance we were NC.

 

but now i find myself pregnant. and i'm sure it's MM's, as my fiance and I were intimate only once after the breakup and it wasn't near the time. neither guy knows at this time. so my question is not if i should keep the baby but how do i proceed?

 

tell my ex finance that i'm pregnant and try to work things out with him? MM is not leaving his BS, so he would be financially supportive but not in the child's life. it would be wonderful to have a part of MM for the rest of my life.

 

yet i dont want to raise another child on my own. i love xF but maybe if i told him that i was pregnant he would come around and be excited to have a chance to be a father?

[woinlove]

I recently broke off my engagement to my fiance because he said not to kids. i have a 10 yr old from my previous marriage and always wanted another child.

 

After my R ended last month, i went back to MM. we have been in an EMR on and off for 6 years. during my years with my fiance we were NC.

 

but now i find myself pregnant. and i'm sure it's MM's, as my fiance and I were intimate only once after the breakup and it wasn't near the time. neither guy knows at this time. so my question is not if i should keep the baby but how do i proceed?

 

tell my ex finance that i'm pregnant and try to work things out with him? MM is not leaving his BS, so he would be financially supportive but not in the child's life. it would be wonderful to have a part of MM for the rest of my life.

 

yet i dont want to raise another child on my own. i love xF but maybe if i told him that i was pregnant he would come around and be excited to have a chance to be a father?

 

If your xF said no to kids, it seems highly unlikely that he is going to be happy raising MM's child. Why do you think he might be happier with another man's child? I would think most men would feel the opposite. Does he personally know MM?

[KathyM]

I hope you aren't planning to try to pass off this kid as belonging to your ex fiance in order to get a father for your child. That would be very unfair and dishonest of you. The guy said he didn't want children. You need to respect that, and not try to get him back under false pretenses.

[Gentlegirl2]

Your xF aready said no kids.

 

I do hope you are not going to try and trick him into taking on fatherhood ?????

 

He dosen't want it and it's just unethical when you know the baby isn't his.

 

Surely he is smart enought ot work that out anyway.

 

Choosing that path is so fraught with danger I do not know where to begin. YOu will be hurting people, including your unborn child.

 

I don't know what you will decide about have the baby, but trying to trick your x F lacks integrity and any kind of rationality.

 

GG

[frozensprouts]

have you thought this through? It almost sounds as if you are a bit panicked and that you are trying to come up with a solution in that state of mind.

 

Did your ex-fiance know that you resumed your relationship with your ex married man once the engagement was broken and the relationship over? If so, it's pretty likely that he will figure out the baby probably isn't his ( he will probably figure that out eventually anyway) , and he'll be angry that you lied to him.

 

Do you really want to risk that?Is it worth it?

[Emme]

... how do i proceed?

 

 

You first have to figure out what you want. It's unclear to me if you want the MM or your ex. You have a man who is your ex-fiance. There is a reason why he is your ex. What went wrong that you chose not to be with him anymore... him not wanting children? Is that the only reason. If it isn't you need to assess why you are willing to return to relationship that ended.

 

 

 

 

 

 

tell my ex finance that i'm pregnant and try to work things out with him? MM is not leaving his BS, so he would be financially supportive but not in the child's life. it would be wonderful to have a part of MM for the rest of my life.

 

yet i dont want to raise another child on my own. i love xF but maybe if i told him that i was pregnant he would come around and be excited to have a chance to be a father?

 

If you want to be with your ex I hope it's not because you don't want to raise a child alone. I hope it is because you love him.

 

First things first. Tell the father of the child. Second try and get back the man you love. Good luck to you.

[MissBee]

I hope you aren't planning to try to pass off this kid as belonging to your ex fiance in order to get a father for your child. That would be very unfair and dishonest of you. The guy said he didn't want children. You need to respect that, and not try to get him back under false pretenses.

 

I agree. You only seem to want him now because you're pregnant and want a father for your child, but if he doesn't want kids why would he suddenly be happy about that, especially if the baby isn't his.

 

Jaloka, you made these choices and now you can't try to force other people into it. Perhaps you should tell your MM the truth and accept the financial support only and stop "dating" him.....worry about you and your baby and eventually finding a relationship with a man who cares for you and your child and will want to be a dad. Neither MM or your ex seem to want a child and you knew this before....so it was up to you to protect yourself.....but yea, I think you should be truthful with MM about your pregnancy but not try to entangle your ex fiance back into this.

[jaloka]

If your xF said no to kids, it seems highly unlikely that he is going to be happy raising MM's child. Why do you think he might be happier with another man's child? I would think most men would feel the opposite. Does he personally know MM?

 

xfiance does not know MM, doesn't even know about his existance. i am not sure how he would feel about raising someone else child, but he's been a great father to my child from my previous marriage.

[jaloka]

I hope you aren't planning to try to pass off this kid as belonging to your ex fiance in order to get a father for your child. That would be very unfair and dishonest of you. The guy said he didn't want children. You need to respect that, and not try to get him back under false pretenses.

 

i respect your opinion. the more i think about it the more unfair it seems to xfinance. but at the end of the day, isnt it the person that raises the child the real parent vs biological parent?

[jaloka]

isnt it the person that raises the child the real parent? just a question. i know deceiving my xf would be unethical but maybe i should tell him and see what happends?

 

Your xF aready said no kids.

 

I do hope you are not going to try and trick him into taking on fatherhood ?????

 

He dosen't want it and it's just unethical when you know the baby isn't his.

 

Surely he is smart enought ot work that out anyway.

 

Choosing that path is so fraught with danger I do not know where to begin. YOu will be hurting people, including your unborn child.

 

I don't know what you will decide about have the baby, but trying to trick your x F lacks integrity and any kind of rationality.

 

GG

[jaloka]

i dont see how xf would ever find out. he doesnt know off MM and doubt he would question the paternity.

 

have you thought this through? It almost sounds as if you are a bit panicked and that you are trying to come up with a solution in that state of mind.

 

Did your ex-fiance know that you resumed your relationship with your ex married man once the engagement was broken and the relationship over? If so, it's pretty likely that he will figure out the baby probably isn't his ( he will probably figure that out eventually anyway) , and he'll be angry that you lied to him.

 

Do you really want to risk that?Is it worth it?

[jaloka]

there's not future with MM and i do have feelings for him but they are different than my feelings for my ex. i love xf dearly and the kid thing threw me for a loop. we discussed when we first met if we were open to kids. both of us agreed that it was what we wanted. so for 1.5 yrs i feel liked i was lied to. we got engaged, starting talking wedding plans and looking for a place together. we saw a couple homes and i one we saw i loved and thought it would be great for our growing family. he was silent. so i said ' dont you think this room would be perfect for a baby' and he said no, it would be better as an office. when i asked what about the baby, he ignored me. i told him that he cant change his mind almost two years into the relationship. i am almost 40 and i told him that he wasted my time. he asked if it was a deal breaker and i said yes. i walked out and refused to answer his calls. i went to his house and left the ring on the table along with his house keys. we got together couples weeks after, i had a week moment and we slipped. he tried again to bring up the kid thing and i said it was still a deal breaker. he couldnt sweet talk me out of it.

 

 

You first have to figure out what you want. It's unclear to me if you want the MM or your ex. You have a man who is your ex-fiance. There is a reason why he is your ex. What went wrong that you chose not to be with him anymore... him not wanting children? Is that the only reason. If it isn't you need to assess why you are willing to return to relationship that ended.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you want to be with your ex I hope it's not because you don't want to raise a child alone. I hope it is because you love him.

 

First things first. Tell the father of the child. Second try and get back the man you love. Good luck to you.

[jaloka]

i talked to MM at lunch today. i told him that i was pregnant. he was quiet and then he almost cried. he said he was thrilled that i would always have a part of him, he wanted wanted more children but his BS refused. he told me that he would be there for me financially but it would be hard for him to be there for the child everyday. he would feel better if the child had a dad that was able to be there everyday but he would leave it up to me if i wanted to tell xfiance or not.

 

so now i'm more conflicted. i told xf that i wanted to talk to him. he briefly talked on the phone. he spend a lot of time apologizing for his behavior. he just panicked because it became real all of a sudden. he doesn't want kids because of financial reasons. he rather provide the best for one child vs for multiple. i told him to me it wasnt fair for my child to be alone because he couldn't let his worry wart personality bring another child into this world. he told me that he knew we could support two children. we still love each other and he wants to make it work. he just needs time to adjust to the child thing. well tomorrow he'll be shocked when he finds out...i still dont know if i will tell him or not who the father is. i am afraid i will lose him forever.

[woinlove]

i talked to MM at lunch today. i told him that i was pregnant. he was quiet and then he almost cried. he said he was thrilled that i would always have a part of him, he wanted wanted more children but his BS refused. he told me that he would be there for me financially but it would be hard for him to be there for the child everyday. he would feel better if the child had a dad that was able to be there everyday but he would leave it up to me if i wanted to tell xfiance or not.

 

so now i'm more conflicted. i told xf that i wanted to talk to him. he briefly talked on the phone. he spend a lot of time apologizing for his behavior. he just panicked because it became real all of a sudden. he doesn't want kids because of financial reasons. he rather provide the best for one child vs for multiple. i told him to me it wasnt fair for my child to be alone because he couldn't let his worry wart personality bring another child into this world. he told me that he knew we could support two children. we still love each other and he wants to make it work. he just needs time to adjust to the child thing. well tomorrow he'll be shocked when he finds out...i still dont know if i will tell him or not who the father is. i am afraid i will lose him forever.

 

I cannot believe you are considering lying to your xf and making him think he is the father of MM's and your baby. That is incredibly selfish and devious behavior and I have to wonder what kind of mother could you possibly be to even entertain such an idea. Really, pull yourself together and act like a person who is capable of caring for others. Do not trick xf and play on his sense of loyalty and responsibility. Try to develop some of those traits yourself or you are in for a very shallow life and you will be bringing your child along for the ride.

[alexandria35]

What you are planning to do to your xf is selfish, disgusting and almost downright evil. You're almost 40 years old and this is how you behave? Like you should be on Jerry Springer? If this is who you truly are than I feel sorry for both of your kids.

[Stellar Wench]

This can't be real. What will you say to the fiancé when the MM comes round wanting to see his child? Long lost uncle?

[bentnotbroken]

i respect your opinion. the more i think about it the more unfair it seems to xfinance. but at the end of the day, isnt it the person that raises the child the real parent vs biological parent?

 

 

At the end of the day if the person who has raised the child has "CHOSEN" to raise the child is the one doing the parenting. You do not have the right to force that decision on anyone without their knowledge. You have already treated your ex to "your" choices...so stop it. That does not mean you lie, bamboozle, manipulate, coerce, hide, stone wall, spin, ignore or any other word that describes what you are considering doing. It is wrong for your ex, for the child you have and for the child you are carrying. You are forcing 3 other people to live a lie for your convenience.

 

You were mature enough to have an affair, now put on your big girl panties and deal with the consequences.....without using lies to accomplish this. At the end of the day...can you look at everyone involved, knowing that from the beginning you chose to deceive them? How will your children view you when they find out(no matter the age. My ex SIL found out when she was 40 and had medical issues). You can not go through life like a bowling ball knocking over whatever is in your path because you feel like it. THINK about what you are saying here.

[maybealone]

i dont see how xf would ever find out. he doesnt know off MM and doubt he would question the paternity.

 

But can he do basic math? You figured out it wasn't his by knowing when you slept with him. You can't really lie about the baby's birthday, and the XF might just be able to do the math.

 

If you choose to lie, you won't be just lying to your XF. You will be lying to your child every day for the rest of your life. What happens if, God forbid, the MM finds out he has some genetic condition that your child needs to be tested for? How would you handle telling both the XF and the child, and how would you handle their emotions and resentment?

 

Besides, MM will contribute financially. XF was worried about finances. Maybe, given the choice, he would want to help you raise another man's child. And if not, that's a better chance to take than spending the next 40 years or so lying to your XF and child.

[PhoenixRise]

It is wrong on so many levels to lie to your ex and have him take personal and financial responsibility for a child that you know is not his.

 

It would be different if you told him the truth and he DECIDED to play a part in your child's life. But to deceive him into it is just wrong.

 

If you go through with this lie, what will you do if your relationship/reconciliation with the ex doesn't work out? Will you continue to make him think the child is his in that case?

 

You are playing with the lives of a lot of people here and you are being shortsighted.

 

Your ex told you he didn't want children and you broke up with him as a result. Whether you think his reasons for not wanting children are legitimate or not he was clear that he didn't want them. Even when you told him it was a dealbreaker for you.

 

And this is the man you want to try to trick into parenting a child that is NOT his and that he told you he never wanted?

 

I hope you will chose not to lie about this. But if you do lie about it, I hope your ex eventually does the math and you get busted.

[nofool4u]

tell my ex finance that i'm pregnant and try to work things out with him?

 

MM is not leaving his BS, so he would be financially supportive but not in the child's life. it would be wonderful to have a part of MM for the rest of my life.

 

 

yet i dont want to raise another child on my own. i love xF but maybe if i told him that i was pregnant he would come around and be excited to have a chance to be a father?

 

Huh?

 

So basically you broke it off with xF so you could get your juke on with MM again. And now that you are pregnant with MM's kid, and not xF's, you want to use xF so you aren't raising the kid alone. Nice.

 

Do what you want. Sure, tell your xF that you are pregnant with MM's child. Let him make the decision. He may just foolishly take you back for a chance to be a father.

 

But then again at the same time you already admitted it would be nice to have MM there with you for the rest of your life. So your xF is 2nd fiddle.

 

Why don't you just leave xF alone and deal with this yourself? Have MM be financially responsible for the child, and you can find someone else who would be willing to date a single mom. There are men that will.

Edited February 23, 2012 by nofool4u

[nofool4u]

xfiance does not know MM, doesn't even know about his existance. i am not sure how he would feel about raising someone else child, but he's been a great father to my child from my previous marriage.

 

If you do contact xF, then you tell him the baby is another man's.

 

Because if you try to pass the baby off as xF's, then you will become the lowest scum of the earth.

 

Its despicable to make another man think he is the father when he is not.

[nofool4u]

i dont see how xf would ever find out. he doesnt know off MM and doubt he would question the paternity.

 

Ok, its now obvious you plan on lying to him and tricking xF into thinking the child is his.

 

You are despicable.

[KathyM]

i respect your opinion. the more i think about it the more unfair it seems to xfinance. but at the end of the day, isnt it the person that raises the child the real parent vs biological parent?

Yes, the man who raises the child is the real parent, not the biological one. But that doesn't change what I said. The fiance did not want children. How is it that you think he's going to want one now--especially one that is from some other man? If you do decide to contact him about the pregnancy, just make sure you let him know that he is not the biological father. That would be a cruel thing to do to get him to think that he was.

[Barrsitter]

Hmmm...what would Madea say?

 

She's say..."Girl. What is wrong with you? Get child support from the Dad and walk away from Fiancee. That guy doesn't want children so why do you think he's going to suddently change because you're carrying some other man's baby? Say what? Give your head a shake, Girlfriend! Stand on your own two feet. Be alone now and make space for the right man to come along. Or just be alone. Lots of us do it".

[denise_xo]

Besides the very obvious ethical problems with it (which don't seem to bother you), telling your exF that this is his child sounds like a recipe for disaster. That shi_t is likely to hit the fan at some point, and then the situation will be much worse than it is now. What are you going to tell your child when the truth comes out?