How do I get over her and move on?

[edweirdo]

My wife of 7 years, 6 months after the birth of our first child, declares that she is still in love with her high school sweetheart and wants to leave me. Our daughter was 6 months old and she didn't want to have to put our daughter in day care so early. So, I figured I'd stick around, allowing her to stay at home with our daughter. Her high school sweetheart was an a**hole and I thought she'd figure this out and not go with him, coming back to me.

 

She did figure out he was an a**hole, never slept with him (even though she said she wanted to). After going to counseling for a few months she realized that she didn't love me. We were best friends for about 5 years before we started dating. In a fit of rage I said "You probably never loved me, you only married me to get a child," to which she said, "I think you're right."

 

After 2 insanely painful years of living together as if we were roommates, we eventually seperated. At least that's what she called it, but we are moving toward a divorce (using a mediator and not laywers). I, not surprisingly, am still in love with her and am having much difficulty getting over her. We do things together with our daughter once in awhile and have to talk on the phone at least 2 times a week due to our daughter and visitation issues.

 

Still trying to work out the divorce, it's been 7 months later I find out that she has been dating a guy from work for the last month and she has had sex with him (she doesn't know I know). Needless to say, I am quite upset. I don't know what to do about getting over her and feeling better. I still feel betrayed. I still feel as if she will realize I am the right guy for her (mistakenly). I have gone through the stages of lose like 4 different times.

 

I think I'm going to have to start seeking professional help, but is there anything else I could possibly do?

[JustSoRight]

I agree with you. You need counseling. She won't change her mind any time soon if at all. I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't think there is anything else you can do, but keep it a amicable divorce for your child's sake.

[reservoirdog1]

Ed... a couple of things you should do. Trust me... I've been there.

 

1) Get counselling for yourself.

 

2) See your doctor and get a prescription for antidepressants.

 

3) Stop getting together with your wife to do things with your daughter. It's only making it harder for you to get over her. It would be wonderful if you could parent together (as in physically) in the midst of the separation, but I don't recommend it. You need to see your ex as little as possible. You need for her to become unfamiliar to you, so that she starts to transform from being somebody from your present to being somebody from your past. It's taken some time, but I've reached that point in my case with TBXW.

 

4) Start going to the gym, if you don't already. This will serve a couple of benefits: it will keep you healthy, give you something to do and a goal, and the side benefit is that it will make you more attractive to other women. (And trust me... however much things may appear to be over with your ex, if there's one thing that will steer her back into your orbit, it's the realization that you are moving on, looking good, and thinking about dating other women.)

 

5) Do some things for you. Take up some new hobbies or sports. Revisit some old hobbies that you "gave up" when you got married. When you're alone do things that YOU like to do, whether or not she'd approve. When you don't have your daughter, your focus must be on yourself.

 

6) When you're ready, start dating, keeping it casual if you're not totally comfortable with it. Internet services are great for that kind of thing... you can get chatting with several different women, and meet them for coffee or something non-threatening like that. It'll also help to rebuild your self-esteem, which is no doubt at rock bottom right now.

 

Hope this helps. Good luck brother...

[edweirdo]

Originally posted by reservoirdog1

3) Stop getting together with your wife to do things with your daughter.

 

5) Do some things for you.

 

Hope this helps. Good luck brother...

 

reservoirdog1, thanks for the advice. #3 is definitely something I should be doing. I'm going to discuss that with her right away. I am already doing #5, but the other stuff I'm not having a good go at. I shall be talking to a counselor next week and hopefully that will help.

 

Thnaks gain.

[shamen]

Ed, I totally agree with almost everything that ReservoirDog said, except the medication issue... I don't understand why so many people suggest meds for things as the cure all (no insult intended RD). You can get over this with no meds!

 

Only some people truly need meds to make it through; I truly believe that the vast majority of people can make it through life with their own better thinking and living. Obviously some conditions require it and depression sometimes warrants it, but not all break ups require them.

 

Again, ReservoirDog gave lots of good ideas on how to do this (gym, counseling, etc.) without meds. He wasn't thinking that it could be done without (as least I don't think so), but it can with all (and sometimes some) of these other suggestions.

[JustSoRight]

Shamen

 

RD mentioned the medication, because him continually going through the stages of loss without moving on is a major sign of depression, called situational depression. His doctor has the decision to make on whether or not he goes on the meds.

 

I agree with RD. I think he needs it to balance out the emotional roller-coaster he's going through, while he goes to counseling to help solve his real problem. How to deal with his ex-wife in a way that isn't going to cause him stress and excess pain. And also how to move on with his life.

[shamen]

OK, good point. I guess it didn't connect with me how long this had been going on.

[Goldmund2004]

Start going to the gym, if you don't already.

 

This is what I started doing almost immediately after my wife and I separated, and she left me for her glass blowing teacher (and it apparently didn't work out as she moved back home with her parents) and this was the best thing I ever did. I lost 40 lbs. and at 34 I am in the best shape of my life. I also saw a counselor I hired for both of us but since she never showed up I went by myself--and the second time I went to see her she said "there isn't anything wrong with you--you just need to give it time."

 

You're marriage is likely doomed, and you will go through the "valley of darkness", brother, believe me. It isn't easy--in fact I would say it's probably harder than if she died because she is still alive to torture you and there isn't much comfort in the faith that "she's gone to a better place now" or "isn't in pain anymore." I won't lie to you, getting divorced sucks.

 

That having been said, the best advice I got from the counselor was to wait at least a year before jumping into bed with another woman or even dating. I didn't listen to it, at first, and just went for some easy sex and it made me feel awful. I took her up on it about five months ago and while, yes, going without sex and being alone alot is tough at times, it's way, way better than repeating old mistakes. You have to give yourself time for this to change you and from what you've said, your head seems to be in a good place...just be patient.

 

Also, if you have a faith I suggest rekindling it or finding a faith-related or other group that you can belong to that is separate and new from your life with your wife.

 

Good luck and God Bless

[JustSoRight]

I agree again with the other posters.

 

I am the woman leaving my husband. I'm not leaving because I have another man, or I have to find myself as so many people use that lame excuse. Or how about this one. I love you but I'm not in love with you. Yeah lame and stupid if you ask me.

 

I'm leaving because my husband continually cheated and I couldn't confirm it, UNTIL he gave me an STD! I kept hoping over and over that I was paranoid. That he did love me. That even though he was never home and I could never find him, or he was never where he said he would be that he had a good reason.

 

Not only did he cheat but he continually lied, took money from the family, and was a general inconsiderate person, only thinking of himself.

 

It's been since Nov, when I found out. I'm not in love with him anymore at all. 5 1/2 years of this can do that. I have lived alone for 18 months now. (he's in the service and has been on back to back deployments where we couldn't come with him) I am pretty straight now. Yes I'm pissed still. Yes I'm depressed still. But life goes on and I have to believe some one out there is the right person for me. I am not dating by the way. I need to love myself before I love someone other than my kids again.

 

I did the gym thing. Lost 65 pounds. Went from a size 20 to a size 7. I feel great, physically and most of the time emotionally. I am really moving on with my life.

 

The only that sucks, and I feel really bad for you guys is this. Your wives were not honest and open with you. Blind siding you. I'm sorry. Just remember not all women are like that. We are not all sneaky and and vindictive.

 

I am sorry the post is so long. I just wanted you all to know that I think they suck how they played you guys. And they did play you and will continue to do so if you let them. Thank God I'm not one of them, and I was the one that got hurt, and left. Not doing the hurting and leaving. I feel for you all.

 

BTW I am on Prozac for situational depression and it has really helped me keep on functioning and able to take care of my kids and house properly. Before I couldn't get out of bed but to feed them, I never played with them or enjoyed them. Just cried and slept.

 

OK so. I'm gonna close this up now for real this time. Sorry again for the long post. I'm here for you all.

[edweirdo]

She did tell me "I love you but I'm not in love with you," which, in my book, is the married equivalent of "I just want to be friends."

 

In any case, while I am amazingly upset about her having sex with other guys, we are getting a divorce. Maybe her timing isn't good (I would have been much happier if she waited until we at least filed) but whatever. It is a good wake up call for me to have nothing to do with her anymore. Or at least as little as possible as we must still share custody of our daughter.

 

I'm definitely going to pursue the counseling, but try to lay off the meds if possible.

 

Thanks for the advice. All I need now is the actual motivation to go to the gym.

[JustSoRight]

Yeah you'll only get motivated to go to the gym when the time is right for you. You don't have to go to the gym you know. You can take walks, do push ups and sit ups at home, og for a jog or run.

 

The reason exercise helps is because of the endorphins it produces in our brains. That's why a lot of people find it helps them back on their feet.

 

I think you're taking this fairly well, considering.

 

By the way how's the weather? I used to live in MA.

 

Sorry just trying to cheer you up. But I really did live in MA.

 

I know you'll be fine. Have a good day ok?

[edweirdo]

Originally posted by JustSoRight

By the way how's the weather? I used to live in MA.

 

Sorry just trying to cheer you up. But I really did live in MA.

 

I know you'll be fine. Have a good day ok?

 

JustSoRight, I tried to send you a private message but you must have them turned off. The weather here is as usual. It was 55-60 and rainy for the last two weeks, now it's 90 and sunny. No spring, going right from winter into summer.

[JustSoRight]

Yeah last summer when I was up there for vacation it was rainy all summer, or hot and muggy.

 

How are you doing today? Good I hope. Keep your spirits up and I am here for you.

[edweirdo]

JustSoRight, it is a vacation week with my daughter. My soon-to-be ex-wife took her for the first half to a place in NH. I'm supposed to go "take over" tomorrow. I was taking care of our cats who were at her house when I found evidence of her sleeping with other guys (she wrote it down). I haven't told her I know. I figured I'd discuss it with her when I see her tomorrow. I've had the last 4 days to come to terms with it. I'm very upset, and a bit angry, but I'm starting to sleep again. I don't know how I will react when I see her. I don't like to lose control, so I will probably be calm. I will have to tell her that we can't do things together anymore or see each other. I'm really hoping I'll be able to do it, as I tend to go into denial and fool myself into thinking everything is okay and I will be able to handle it as long as I get to be near her. It's pathetic really. She has me in her hip pocket and I have trouble getting out.

 

Either that or I'll lose my temper and call her a dirty whore.

[brashgal]

hmm - thinking you might be better off taking a different approach. Don't talk to her about all this stuff (sleeping with other guys, not spending time with her and your daughter), just DO IT. If you talk about it you are getting yourself all worked up again, you'll put her on the defensive also. Why torture yourself? Talk all of this over with a therapist or write it all out, get it out of your system.

 

Just stop spending time with her, make excuses, take your daughter out by yourself - for God sakes, let someone else watch the cats, etc - she found someone to sleep with, she can find a pet sitter. Continuing to interact with her is not going to distance you or allow you to heal.

 

Be strong. Let me know if you need a pep talk!

[edweirdo]

brashgal, thanks for the advice. It's a little more complicated, however (and isn't it always?). She took a vacation in Hawaii for a week. She was just laid off from her job. Now she wants to move to Hawaii. She can't do that unless I allow it because we have a daughter. She wants me to move to Hawaii for her. When we were married we moved to Spokane Washington for 5 months because she wanted to train tigers (http://www.cattales.org/). We got pregnant and moved back to Boston. I wish I hadn't gone with her. My point is that I've done quite a bit for her because I loved her and she's done nothing for me. Of course, that's probably because she doesn't love me. My real point is that I have to explain to her why I won't even consider moving to Hawaii and make her understand that she is still taking me for granted and taking advantage of me. I want her to understand this.

 

Oh, BTW, I talked to her and she says she's not dating this guy.

 

How can you have sex with someone you are not dating while you are still married?

 

And while you're contemplating that what does it really mean when women say "I love you but I'm not in love with you?"

 

(Am I just rambling and sounding like a freak or am I making any sense?)

[JustSoRight]

When a person says I love you but I'm not in love with you, that basically means. Even though we've spent years together and/or have a kid together I just don't feel anything for you anymore romantically, or passionately.

 

It's like the married equivelant of I just want to be friends. Someone said that on another post, after I mentioned how lame it is that people use the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. I hate that line.

 

But really what's a better way to say it? I guess that's why so many people say it.

[edweirdo]

I was the one who said it was the equivalent of "I just want to be friends." But I'm rethinking it and am thinking it's more like the line "It's not you, it's me."

[KANSAN]

I COULD'NT AGREE MORE BRASHGAL THATS GREAT ADVICE MAN LIKE THE NIKE SLOGAN JUST DO IT I THINK THAT WOULD BE YOUR BEST APPROACH.

[JustSoRight]

Hehe sorry. I thought someone else said it. Isn't my face red? JK Anyhow. You really think it's the whole "it's not you it's me". Hmmm you could be right I guess. I still like the other one too though.

 

I dunno. I just wish people could be honest. Yes it's brutal. But it's less painful in the long run, then saying nice sweet things that leave people to believe they have a chance in the future to fix the relationship.

[JustSoRight]

About the other thing. The whole sex without dating. As far as I know that's called the FWB syndrome. Friends with benefits. I myself can't imaging doing that.

[edweirdo]

I talked to her yesterday and told her I was having trouble and the best thing to do is to not see her, not do anything together (with our daughter) and minimize phone contact. She had no idea I was having trouble. She said she would have no problem doing it though she was a little disappointed. I didn't think of this really good reply until after she had left, but I should have said, "Well I was a little disappointed when you told me you didn't love me." Oh well, opportunity missed.

 

If nothing else the pain in the pit of my stomach went away and I was finally able to sleep. I was surprised how difficult it was since now I'm not going to be in her life anymore even though I know she has absolutely no feelings for me (actually that probably makes it harder).

 

So, now it is just a matter of taking the time to get over her.

[edweirdo]

Just a note in the continuing saga...

 

My soon-to-be former called me today and asked me if I had told anyone about the fact that she had had sex with this guy. I hadn't told anyone. She used to work with him until she was laid off last week. Somehow a rumor has started floating around her old office that this guy (a partner in the CPA firm) was having sex with my former (a newly hired CPA) for awhile. The rumor had entered the firm from outside. This guy was upset that this was happening so he terminated his relationship with her. She wanted to make sure it didn't come from me. It definitely didn't. It had to come from someone she told.

 

This time, however, I was able to apply a good comeback in the converation. She said that she now felt very bad that she had been dumped and I said, "Yeah, I do know how that feels."

 

It doesn't change anything on my end, but I just thought it was ironic that the sex without dating was what killed the relationship. She pointed this out to me so she caught the irony also. Especially since we had just had the conversation about it yesterday.