Do you think he wants more then friendship but is being cautious?

[Sam-I-Am]

Hello all,

 

I am a newbie here and would love to get the guys views on this one ... especially the seperated and divorced dads that have started dating or want to start dating. I hope I am following the rules here being a newbie and that someone might respond or direct me if not in the right place. I wish I could talk to my friends about this but sadly not all can be objective and a man is very different from a woman. So here goes guys:

 

How do you know when a guy is into you or if he just likes you as a friend? I am 40 and he is 43. He is going through a divorce and I am about to be seperated. We both have one child, he a girl and me a boy. Ages 3 and 4. We met at the park and the chemistry was there immediately from my side. I was very drawn to him. I had not even thought about dating till I met him. He is an awesome Dad! We would bump into each other at the park a bit and I could see he was interested after say the third time. We would laugh and chat and he would often say: we should get together some time. One evening I met him in a restaurant with my current husband. I had no idea he was seperated, he didnt know my situation either. We joined his table and we had a lovely chat. My husband was called away on a call and I mentioned to him that things were not going well and we were to be seperated shortly. He asked for my number and said he would love to chat. We exchanged messages after that, meetings in the park. I could see he was keen and he would get all jittery and excited at the park. I felt like a teenager again. It was always with the kids though. Then we made arrangements to go for drinks which was amazing and we got on so well and opened up a lot and there was a huge attraction from both sides I can say. We drank a lot, he even mentioned coming to see his place afterwards. After too many glasses of wine I tried to kiss him. Yes, stupid me! So humiliated, but that is just to show you where it was going ... I would NEVER kiss a guy if I thought he wasn't keen. Never happened to me before so all weird, but let me continue. So we kiss and then we stop and I say is all ok and he says he feels a bit weird as he has just opened up to me, told me stuff re his marriage that he has never told anyone. I got the feeling he was feeling awkward as he had got a lot off his chest. He was not grossed out, was very sweet and continued chatting and sitting next to me. I was being affectionate and appologising etc etc. So he walks me to the car and says I have zero reason to appologise, that he is just going through a tough time, its very hard on him (she initiated the divorce and making things hard) but that I must know that he will get there eventually. It will just take time. After that I felt some distance although could be imagined. We continued to send messages, then the emails started, mostly joking and full of fun and humour and lots of teasing etc. Now we make dates for the park, meet twice a week normally. I sense he is not the jittery excited guy anymore when he sees me but it could be that we have known each other a while now. I thought I might have pushed him away with the kiss but he is still around, even more than before. At one point I stopped initiating the messages and making plans to meet at the park to see if it was one sided. He immediately messaged me to ask if we could meet so I ruled that one out. There has only been one other time when we met without the kids and he invited me to his place. We had breakfast and chatted for 5 hours straight. I still felt something and sensed he did too. That night he sent me an email saying how great it was and thanks for an amazing day. He included some pics of me he took at the zoo the previous day with the kids. I think I am protecting my heart though and keep telling myself he just wants to be friends. He does get shy around me, does get that look in his eye. I just wonder why he doesnt ask me to go out for dinner or a drink? Why is with the kids all the time? Yes its great when we are all together but perhaps I am impatient or terrified of being in love with someone who does not feel the same way. I invited him and his daughter for supper recently and he was so excited, they came dressed up, he brought wine and chocolates and looked liked he was loving being there. The kids bathed together and it all felt very special. They left way passed his daughters bed time which I saw as a good thing. I asked him over tonight and he said he couldnt, was going for drinks. So is he afraid to do one-on-ones, or perhaps he really is just going for drinks [he did say that we could do it during the week though when it suits/in the same message he also invited my son and I over for a barbeque this sat].. .or is he is not interested or is he just taking it slow? One thing he says when talking about his ex or what the rules are re his daughter ... he always says that has told his ex from the beginning, that his daughter would be talking about us ... so he told her, long ago. Would he do that if we were just buddies or because he feels something more and doesnt want any surprises? He also invited my son and I to join him and his ex one morning at a local farmers market. He didnt have to but insisted. We all spoke and it was great. I have also met his mom (park) and he has met mine (park) Any advise would be soooooo appreciated. I feel I just cannot be objective at this point as love can distort things. Hope this wasn't too long and boring.

 

Sam-I-Am

[NoMagicBullet]

Not necessarily boring, but one very long and overly detailed paragraph isn't easy to read. I suspect no one has replied yet because of that. Actually, I only skimmed to try to get the important bits, and I think they are this:

 

1) You and this man seem to like each other and have some chemistry.

2) He is going through a divorce and isn't truly available for a relationship yet.

3) You are only separated and aren't truly available for a relationship either.

4) This isn't a very stable situation for the young children involved.

 

Number 4 is a big one. So is number 3 -- regardless of feelings, you are technically still married.

 

If I were him, I wouldn't be taking too many chances on getting deeply involved with a woman who's still married, especially not if I had the welfare of a young child to consider. For all he knows, you might never leave your husband or even go back to him. And he has no idea of what to expect of your husband: would your husband be upset that this man is having an affair with his wife -- separated is not divorced -- or maybe even more upset that this man could be infringing on the role of father to his (your husband's) son. People can get very territorial and even vengeful as relationships end, and the presence of children doesn't mean people will behave better; on the contrary, some behave worse.

 

Also, him carrying on with a married woman could be used against him in the divorce proceedings and child custody matters. Doesn't matter if things seem okay with his ex now -- things could change rapidly as the divorce proceeds. For that matter, you getting involved with this man could be used against you in a divorce/child custody battle, if you do decide to leave your husband.

 

And that's all beside the fact that one or both of you may be in a rebound phase and have not dealt with the issues of your previous relationships. Do you really want this man, or do you just want something that's been missing from your current marriage? Your attraction could be more about you and your unmet needs (and/or him and his unmet needs) than anything else.

 

I have to agree that you are not in an objective frame of mind. I know it's not easy when you have feelings for someone, but instead of worrying about how he feels about you, you need to be worrying about what you are going to do about your current marriage and what's best for your son. You may feel like a teenager with these emotions, but you can't afford to act like one.

 

For your sake and your child's, I think at a minimum you should let things be and not push for anything with this man. A better choice would be to pull back yourself from contact with him so you can regain some perspective and take care of your own matters regarding your marriage and child. I'm sure he'd understand you needing some distance for a while; he likely needs the same thing now.

 

Now is not the time to pursue him, nor for him to pursue you. Maybe later, if you both are ready and the post-divorce environment is stable for your children, but not now.

 

Edit/Addition/Disclaimer: I see your location is in the UK. My comments about divorce proceedings were based on a US perspective. Not sure what may or may not apply legally. Consult a local legal expert to be sure.

Edited February 26, 2012 by NoMagicBullet
Clarification due to different geographical/legal regions