Someone me figure myself out?

[H0peless]

Hello All,

 

I don't know what my deal is. I feel like I used to be so positive about life, but somewhere along the lines I've lost that outlook and am unsure of how to get it back. To give you some background, I grew up very privileged and honestly had the BEST childhood anyone could ask for. Loving parents, I had a passion for horses and was lucky enough to own a horse, I played volleyball competitively up through junior college. I have always been tall, blonde and pretty so I never had any trouble fitting in or dating. Life was great for a very long time.

 

I guess you could say all my "troubles" began after I broke up with a long term boyfriend in March of 2009 (I was 22 then, I just turned 25 now). For the longest time him and I were very happy, he showed me what true love was. I thought we would marry. We broke up because he wasn't taking school or life seriously and I reached my breaking point. We also were not sexually compatible which I realized afterwards.

 

After this break up, I completely reverted. At the time I had an apartment about a half hour from my parents house to be near a University across the street which they were paying the rent for. I dropped out of my classes, realizing I didn't want to go into the career I was working towards after all. And my social drinking turned to complete alcoholism. Drinking morning, noon, and night. I became completely self destructive, sleeping around, and even putting myself in dangerous situations (whether it be getting in a car with a stranger or drunk driving- I don't know how I avoided a DUI or hurting someone).

 

Literally 6 months of nonstop drinking. I eventually had to move home and my parents didn't know what to do with me. They were fed up, rightfully so because I was constantly gone or coming home drunk, and essentially not doing anything with my life and acting completely irresponsible.

 

I dated a couple of guys during that time, who were drunks also/losers. I didn't have a job for a long time so that contributed to my low self esteem and only inspired me to latch onto these loser guys who helped support my drinking habit.

 

Fast forward to today. I eventually dropped the losers and rebuilt the bridge with my parents and found a job. I work as a waitress in a very busy restaurant where the money is good. After saving for the last year I moved out of my parents house to another apartment. I am able to pay for all of my bills and rent all on my own. I went back to school in the Fall and have a plan for that now finally, too. I'm dating a nice guy. I should be happy, right? I feel as though I really have matured a LOT in the last year or so and grown up a lot. However, I'm still not happy on the inside.

 

I pictured my life so different than it is and I'm extremely embarrassed, for myself and for my parents, when I think about my actions the last couple of years because everyone in my family knew I was a hot mess. I'm embarrassed that I work in a restaurant even though lots of young girls my age are in the same boat, and even though I have a plan for school and I know in my heart I will make it happen for me some day, at this point it's hard to picture myself having a real career and getting out of this stage of my life. I feel completely stuck and will be for at least the next 5 years until school is finished. Which is so disheartening considering I have 90+ credits already with it hasn't paid off. My dad worked so hard to have a beautiful home and to give me the life that I have and even though he's my #1 cheerleader and just wants me to be happy, I can't help but to feel as though I've let him down or failed him in some way.

 

I'm so bored with my life. I miss horses, they are my passion and the one thing in life that ever brought me happiness. I hate the state I live in and the cold grey winters it brings. I want to travel and see the world. I want to own a house with a barn in a state where there are blue sunny skies and palm trees. I want so many things out of this life and I feel as if I will never be able to make it happen... or that those things are just so far away from happening for me. I really don't like anything about my life right now.

 

My drinking I feel like is still a problem. Horses used to be what I used as an escape, but I can't afford that now so drinking is my escape. I cut back but still drink probably 3-4 nights a week. And I realized somewhere along the way I developed this pattern of uncontrollable drinking. Once I start, I won't stop. I black out all the time. I NEVER used to be like that, either, until after that break up. I polish off pints and 5ths like it's my job. I got to the bar and have 5 long islands (would get most people drunk, right?) and I hardly feel a buzz. It's embarrassing. The other night I was "only going to have a couple drinks" by myself before bed. I woke up the next morning with a ripped down shower curtain, bumps and bruises, scared texts from the boyfriend and an almost empty 5th. My boyfriend had come over the night before to check on me after not getting a response. I did not even remember him being there. I'm so ashamed. I wonder why he puts up with that sort of behavior. God bless him, I don't think I could deal with myself at those times. I don't do things like THAT regularly, maybe an episode like that 1-2Xs per year. I worry about what I'm doing to my body. I rarely have a hangover but when I do I swear to myself it's the last time...... I never drink and drive anymore, though. I've thought about AA (at one point my dad offered to go to meetings with me, embarrassing again) but again I'm too embarrassed to do that, too. Not sure if it would help. I don't feel the way I used to do about drinking, for a while there I felt like it controlled my life. I don't think it does anymore, just when I do decide to drink I tend to (90% of the time) go overboard. I don't crave it like I used to, but 4 days sober and I'm really looking forward to a drink..err more.

 

On top of all these things my family has had a really rough few years. Starting with my grandpa's death in March of 2009 also, my bedridden grandmother was moved home and my parents had to go through a whirlwind of change (on top of dealing with me and my drinking/partying habits while I was at living there). She eventually was moved to a nursing home but then recently my aunt passed away, and then my dad (my role model, hero, the one who keeps me going with his pep talks) was diagnosed with cancer. He beat the cancer but now his vision is failing and it is incredibly hard watching this man I have so much respect and love for, go through these hard times (it was his father and sister that passed away). I feel so bad for him because he is such a good person, to the core, and he's worked so hard and now because of his vision he is pretty much being forced into retirement. And it's pretty hard to enjoy a retirement when you can't see well enough to do a lot of things.

 

I just wish I could win the lottery or something. I know money doesn't buy happiness, but a little sure would help. I just want to be the positive, happy girl I used to be.

 

If anyone got through reading any of this, any advice or insight is greatly appreciated!

Edited February 22, 2012 by H0peless

[pie2]

Most of the happiest people I've known appear to be in the most dire of circumstances. Happiness comes from within.

 

I do believe you are suffering through something, and don't discredit your pain...but life can always be worse, unfortunately. So try to see the good you've got going Try to be thankful for something each day. Keep a list so that you can see all of the wonderful things that are going on for you in your life.

[youngster]

Are there any places where you can volunteer your time to help someone else's horses? Your experience (and hourly rate for that matter) may be inticing to someone who needs a farmhand. You may even find it more gratifying to help someone out while being around horses.

 

You might also want to seek professional help with your drinking.

 

Take it one day at a time and count your blessings. You've already accomplished the first hurdle in recognizing that you have a problem.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Seneca]

I pictured my life so different than it is and I'm extremely embarrassed, for myself and for my parents, when I think about my actions the last couple of years because everyone in my family knew I was a hot mess. I'm embarrassed that I work in a restaurant even though lots of young girls my age are in the same boat, and even though I have a plan for school and I know in my heart I will make it happen for me some day, at this point it's hard to picture myself having a real career and getting out of this stage of my life. I feel completely stuck and will be for at least the next 5 years until school is finished. Which is so disheartening considering I have 90+ credits already with it hasn't paid off. My dad worked so hard to have a beautiful home and to give me the life that I have and even though he's my #1 cheerleader and just wants me to be happy, I can't help but to feel as though I've let him down or failed him in some way.

 

On top of all these things my family has had a really rough few years. Starting with my grandpa's death in March of 2009 also, my bedridden grandmother was moved home and my parents had to go through a whirlwind of change (on top of dealing with me and my drinking/partying habits while I was at living there). She eventually was moved to a nursing home but then recently my aunt passed away, and then my dad (my role model, hero, the one who keeps me going with his pep talks) was diagnosed with cancer. He beat the cancer but now his vision is failing and it is incredibly hard watching this man I have so much respect and love for, go through these hard times (it was his father and sister that passed away). I feel so bad for him because he is such a good person, to the core, and he's worked so hard and now because of his vision he is pretty much being forced into retirement. And it's pretty hard to enjoy a retirement when you can't see well enough to do a lot of things.

 

I just wish I could win the lottery or something. I know money doesn't buy happiness, but a little sure would help. I just want to be the positive, happy girl I used to be.

 

Don't be embarrassed by your past. No matter what happened to you in the past. Your past is not you. You are the resources and capabilities you gleam from it.

 

And STOP the negative talk right now. Negative motivational talks doesn't work to improve your life in anyway.

 

If you want to change your life, then change the way you look at things in your life. Change it into a more positive outlook. See this as an opportunity to go to a new level. An opportunity to become a great person with a fulfilling life...

 

And why not pursue your passion for horses? By telling yourself you can't afford one, you are just putting a limiting belief on yourself. Because although you may not be able to buy one at the moment. It doesn't stop you from being able to volunteer your time at a farm to help feed and care for horses. Or at least rent one for a day..

 

Here's an idea that could help you achieve your goal of reaching sobriety. Rent a horse for a day as a reward for being sober for a certain amount of days.

 

I want to travel and see the world. I want to own a house with a barn in a state where there are blue sunny skies and palm trees. I want so many things out of this life and I feel as if I will never be able to make it happen... or that those things are just so far away from happening for me.

 

It's like losing weight. You have a clear goal in mind, like wanting to shed 30 pounds. But sometimes that goal seems so far away when you start getting into the routine of exercising and dieting. Somedays you feel like you are moving towards your goal. Other days when you've broken your diet and exercise routine you feel like you are going backwards and are beyond getting the results you've wanted.

 

But the key is to consistently make some progress. Do something that will move you towards your goals. It is attainable.