MissBee Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 How do you deal with needing alone time and space while in a marriage? I don't mean the "I need space" where people want to run off and explore other ambiguous options. I just mean regular alone time to be with yourself. Is that incorporated into your routine? How often do you take alone time? Does your partner understand or do they feel offended? For me, I am someone who easily soaks up the energy of those around me. I am outgoing and social, I like good company and to entertain and I also love being around friends or my significant other...but I also need a lot of down time to recharge. I am not currently married, but hope to be one day, and realize that one of my fears is being unable to have me time...and when I don't have me time, I feel so irritated and crazy! When I had a boyfriend for example, he'd want me to spend all week at his house. I'd spend the weekends and I'd sometimes spend the week too, but it would get to a point where sometimes I wanted to be in my own space doing my own thing, as much as I loved him and liked being around him. It was nothing personal. Sooo does anyone else feel that way , and if so, how do you work that into your relationship so that you can have your personal time for recharging without alienating your partner? Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 You communicate this need to your partner before you are married and decide if you are compatible in this way. If not, and it's important, you move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
maybealone Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 In my experience, there are lots of guys that enjoy having alone time or time spent with just guy friends. If not, there wouldn't be so many "man caves." I'd want to find out fairly early in the dating process if that's the kind of guy you are seeing. Lots of relationships can start out intense with that never-want-to-be-apart feeling, but a few months in you should be able to talk about your needs and see if you are compatible that way. Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 When I had a boyfriend for example, he'd want me to spend all week at his house. I'd spend the weekends and I'd sometimes spend the week too, but it would get to a point where sometimes I wanted to be in my own space doing my own thing, as much as I loved him and liked being around him. It was nothing personal. Well why did you spend all that time at his house when you knew you needed some alone time? Like philosoraptor said, this is the kind of thing that should be communicated in the beginning & judged as an incompatibility when necessary. Some people do like to be attached at the hip with their partner, and you obviously wouldn't work well with someone like that. But I think most people understand the need to be in your own space sometimes. In my marriage I have some built in alone time right now because of my husband's work schedule (the 2 days a week that he has to go into the office I'm home alone because I'm in school right now & don't have class those days), plus he goes to band practice 1 night a week when I'm not in class. But there have been times when I needed some time to myself, and I just communicated that with him openly. He can be a little sensitive, and immediately ask if something's wrong, if he did something, etc, but I just smile & give him a kiss & assure him that everything is fine. It's never been a problem for us. (His built in alone time is at night after I go to bed. I usually go to bed a couple hours before him.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissBee Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 I definitely plan to discuss this and be compatible in that regard with the person I'm marrying; but, wanted to hear from people who have felt as I did and how they navigated that situation in their marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissBee Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Well why did you spend all that time at his house when you knew you needed some alone time? Like philosoraptor said, this is the kind of thing that should be communicated in the beginning & judged as an incompatibility when necessary. Some people do like to be attached at the hip with their partner, and you obviously wouldn't work well with someone like that. But I think most people understand the need to be in your own space sometimes. In my marriage I have some built in alone time right now because of my husband's work schedule (the 2 days a week that he has to go into the office I'm home alone because I'm in school right now & don't have class those days), plus he goes to band practice 1 night a week when I'm not in class. But there have been times when I needed some time to myself, and I just communicated that with him openly. He can be a little sensitive, and immediately ask if something's wrong, if he did something, etc, but I just smile & give him a kiss & assure him that everything is fine. It's never been a problem for us. (His built in alone time is at night after I go to bed. I usually go to bed a couple hours before him.) I had no problems spending time at his house. It was not until I actually did it for a while that I realized I would get antsy if it was too much. But initially it was no problem, I did not go into the situation at the time with that knowledge. Now, as I have grown to know myself more, is when I realized what that was and how it happens with other things. Thanks for sharing that . Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 When I had a boyfriend for example, he'd want me to spend all week at his house. I'd spend the weekends and I'd sometimes spend the week too, but it would get to a point where sometimes I wanted to be in my own space doing my own thing, as much as I loved him and liked being around him. It was nothing personal. It might be entirely different if you could be with him AND be in your own space, doing your own thing. I would hate to be away from my home/space/stuff many days a week, but I still want to be together, kwim? Living together solved that issue Still, plenty of "apart" time can be built in if work schedules vary a bit, and each person has a hobby they enjoy. Link to post Share on other sites
JazzyFox Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I used to feel that way ... needing my own space and not really understanding the need to "couple" all the time. Of course my hubby completely changed my mind on this and now I just won't let him go That said, I do need my "own time" and every once in a while it starts to show. Hubby now recognizes the signs ... and sends me packing. I love it! And then I come back totally refreshed and excited to be with him again. Who knew? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Communication is the most important thing - being able to help him understand that you are not needing to "get away from him" but need alone-time to recharge. That's a very important difference, and I have found that it needs to be reinforced regularly so no one's feelings are hurt. Otherwise, having a room of your own is important. Whether it is a sitting room or an office or whatever, if you live together, you need to have a room where you can go with some established "rules" (like, if the door is closed, you need to be alone. if it is open, come on in). I need more alone-time than my guy in general, but he needs some, too, so we at least start with a basic understanding of the issue. He's always busy with some house project at his place, so always has something else to do when I need time to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
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