How long to wait?

[waiting.]

Hi everyone, I've been reading these forums for a while now but it's my first time actually posting.

 

As the title of my post suggests, I wanted to ask how long of a wait is reasonable. I know every situation is different so here is mine, I will try to condense it as much as possible:

 

I have been seeing a MM since November 2010, so for a little over a year now. I had a boyfriend whom I lived with when we started our affair, but I had been out of the relationship emotionally, and ended the relationship with my boyfriend when I realized I have feelings for the MM.

Things got serious between us, but MM had doubts about whether he wanted to leave his family and be with me for a while because of our 20 year age gap. He was honest about it and told me he needed time to think about us. He was worried that he would leave his family, then after I would dump him for a younger man as he got older, then he would have nothing. So I gave him time and he must have realized what I feel for him is real and I do want to be with him, so he told me in Aug. 2011, that he made the decision to leave his wife and he needed a year to sort things out, and to give him time till August 2012. I asked him what needed to be sorted out and why couldn't he just file for divorce right away and he said:

 

His wife needs to learn to drive so she can drop off/pick up kids from school, grocery shop etc.. (she supposedly can drive now, just needs to take the test)

His wife needs to find a job, (supposedly been applying to lots of jobs)

His youngest daughter will be starting school in august 2012, so his wife can go to work while the kids are at school.

He needs to save some money before he moves out because he still needs to support his children while contributing to the home he will be living in with me.

So basically he is saying he wants her to be independent, and make sure he has a little saved up so things go smoothly.

 

My question is, are these just excuses, or does this sound reasonable? To me it sounds reasonable but that maybe because when we are in love, we tend to overlook all the bull**** excuses and believe what we want to believe in. I've been waiting to be with him for over a year now and I'm already tired of it. I hate being in this situation, I just want a normal relationship where we don't have to hide. I've been reading these forums and see people that have been waiting 5-6 years for nothing and I'm scared to trust him and then get hurt.. I keep thinking what if he asks for more time when August rolls around, that's just 5 months away.. then what?

Edited February 23, 2012 by waiting.

[whichwayisup]

He was worried that he would leave his family, then after I would dump him for a younger man as he got older, then he would have nothing.

This pretty much sums it up. He isn't planning on leaving for the right reasons (meaning, he has fallen out of love with his wife, doesn't want to be married to her anymore). He should end the marriage with or without you in the picture.

 

Also, have you thought about what this means? Age difference. He has children (you ready to deal with his ex wife, know she will ALWAYS BE part of his life because of their children?), are you ready to be step mom? Does he want more children?

 

Sorry, but you're living in a fantasy world if you truly believe the last part, he'll be living with you right after to save money. He WILL be paying not only child support but spousal support too! The youngest is still a child!

 

Sadly my guess is, he has no intention of ever leaving his wife and kids, he's perfectly happy having an affair on the side.

 

A man who leaves his wife and kids for a woman half his age? Well, he's going to lose A LOT. Friends, family will be pitted against sides too, and his children .. Please think before you jump into this mess further.

[waiting.]

Thanks for your input..

 

This pretty much sums it up. He isn't planning on leaving for the right reasons (meaning, he has fallen out of love with his wife, doesn't want to be married to her anymore). He should end the marriage with or without you in the picture.

 

You could be right about this, but it could also mean that he didn't just want to leave everything and jump into a relationship with someone much younger without getting to know that woman first, like you said, he has a lot to lose. So I'm actually kind of glad that he took the time to think about it first rather than making promises and changing his mind because all of a sudden he realized the age gap would be an issue. He could of course break his promise later on for other reasons.. but to me, the fact that he took the time to think about it was a good sign.

 

Also, have you thought about what this means? Age difference. He has children (you ready to deal with his ex wife, know she will ALWAYS BE part of his life because of their children?), are you ready to be step mom? Does he want more children?

 

Yes I have thought of the age gap. I have never been with anyone remotely close to my age. My ex husband was 22 years older than I was, I left him not because of his age but because he had a drinking problem. I was a step-mom to his 2 children. I am not expecting the ex-wife to simply disappear, I know she is the mother of his children and Ok with the fact that they will have an ongoing relationship in raising their children together. Yes, he does want more children.

 

Sorry, but you're living in a fantasy world if you truly believe the last part, he'll be living with you right after to save money.

 

Just to clarify, I didn't say he would be living with me right after to save money. I said he said he needed a year to save up some money so that when he left, this money would help him with the added expenses of supporting 2 households instead of 1.

[woinlove]

Does his W know about this plan so she is on board with planning the transition to divorce or is plan to divorce being kept secret from her? I think that could make a substantial difference in the timing and outcome.

[Gentlegirl2]

I was 15 years younger than my late husband. As the years go on the age gap gets wider and wider. Health issues arise and things are not all cheese and kisses. That's just one aspect to think about. Also the sexual thing can diminish quite quickly with age.

 

What I would really be thinking about is inheriting his wife, kids and financial problems. You would also be receiving all the emotional fall out for the A . It will be considerable when the wife finds out. All their extended family (siblings, in laws etc )will know.

 

If you marry him, you will have to live with that for the rest of your life. You will always be the OW in their eyes. I wouldn't look forward to that prospect at all.

 

It could all turn into a terrible mess. I would say he is buying time... he has no intentions of leaving his comfy marriage and family for you. You might believe you are special and he loves you but in reality, MM will do and say anything to keep you where he wants you.

 

YOu should keep reading here. It is a great source of information. Most of the A storie have the very same ending.

 

Starting a new relationship with financial worries is not the way to go. Do you really believe his wife has only just learned to drive. I would find that hard to swallow .... 50 years ago yes but not today.

 

Just a few things to think about. It is your decison but not one to be taken lightly.

 

Good Luck

GG

[18Years2Late]

I feel so sorry for his W...wonder why she thinks she's learning the drive...wonder if it was her decision to go back to work to help out after her youngest goes to kindergarden...she has no idea it bet...very sad....

 

Did your 1st M start as an A too???...if you're 20 years younger that a man with a 4-5 year old child...I'm guessing you're pretty young...and this will be your SECOND step-mother situation???...

 

OP, read this...Jlola wrote this exceptional post on my thread...if this doesn't make you leave this family alone, nothing will...

 

*************

I truly hope you never have a husband who is telling another woman how much he loves her, while he lays with you in bed and tells you the same.

 

I hope you never have a husband who is thinking of another woman while he is physically with you.

 

I hope you never have a husband who makes you wonder if he really is working late, or with another woman.

 

I hope you never have to hear your husband's phone ring and get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, wondering it it's "her".

 

I hope you never have a husband who is holding hands with another and romancing her, while you are neglected at home.

 

I hope you never have a husband who is telling another woman, the reason he is having an affair is because his needs aren't being met. Meanwhile the neglect and disrespect he gives you is ok. He is not meeting ANY of your needs, but he doesn't care cause it's all about HIM!!!!!

 

I hope you never have a husband who writes love letters and professes love to another woman and you find those letters. They will haunt you for life.

 

I hope you never have a husband who has so little respect for you and your children, he willingly brings in a 3rd party to wreck havoc.

 

I hope you never have a husband who manipulates and lies so well, you don't know if you are coming or going.

 

Because IF you ever did have such a husband, you would understand the pain and understand the crazy you see now, is what HE created.

 

My mother, the sanest, most loving , most beautiful woman I have ever known has gone through bouts of craziness created by my father's gaslighting,manipulating and romantic affairs. Yes, she went through all of those things. Drama created by a very selfish man to feed his ego. We all went through humiliation and devaluation. Kids suffer just as much as the parents do.

 

IF you can ask, why did she stay? Then I would ask you why is there 15% of you weak enough to even consider taking this man back?

 

You see(Not making excuses, because it is a crazy situation) my mother is still remembering the man my father presented himself to be when she met him. Loyal,faithful.kind. She is remembering the man of character she fell in love with.

 

But you were privy to a person the BS was not privy to before she married So some parts of her may still remember the man who showed her character and integrity..You saw and met the liar,manipulator,user,cheater .

 

To get involved with anyone who from the get go has shown you they can lie,cheat,manipulate and disrespect another is something you need to question yourself on. As Oprah say, "When someone shows you who they are.....believe them. He showed you much more of who he was initially then he ever showed her.

 

She is still in love with the idea of the man she first met. She fell in love with a man she thought Kind,loyal,with integrity and character. irrationally hoping he will go back to being that person. The man you first met and fell in love with is NOONE anyone should want to be with!!!! The traits he initially showed should have had you RUNNING for the hills!!!

Edited February 23, 2012 by 18Years2Late

[frozensprouts]

i know it's hard as you seem to love this guy, but try and step back and look at the situation from a pragmatic rather than emotional point of view.

 

if you were someone who didn't have any emotional attachment to him, what would his behavior tell you?

 

To me, it seems like this guy is one very accomplished liar. If he is able to pretend to his wife all this time that he still loves her and is committed to her....either he's one hell f an actor, or he's doing the crazy making act of "gas lighting" and turning the blame around to be on her every time she gets suspicious.

 

It sounds like he is planning on lying to his wife for at least a year while she betters herself, probably thinking that she's doing it for him and the kids. Meanwhile, he's socking money away (hope this does not mean he is hiding assets so he won't have to split them in a divorce) that should be there for his family. What are they giving up so that he can do this? While you may not feel so bad about her having to go without, afetr all, she is an adult, what about his kids? Unless he's quite well off, the I'm sure the money he's saving up must be coming from somewhere....what are they going without? I don't know about how finances work in his family, but I would think his wife would notice if money suddenly was no longer available...will he be lying about that too?

 

if they do get divorced, from what I understand, any funds will be split...so the money he says he is putting away to be with you( unless he is hiding it from her in an account she knows nothing about) will also be split. If he is lying about it and planning to hide it from his wife and children, what does that tell you about him?

 

the other alternative is that he is doing none of what he says, and things are going along, as per normal, at home. If this is the case, he may well be hoping to string you along as long as he can.

 

Whatever is going on, his actions show that he certainly has the capacity to lie and deceive to get what he wants. Again, if you look at his behavior from an objective rather than emotional viewpoint, what do his actions tell you? Do you think he's being honest with you , his family, his wife, himself? Do you think he views deceit as a way to get his needs met?

 

whatever you decide, i would highly recommend counseling for the two of you, should you end up together...he needs to find better ways of solving his problems.

[jaloka]

i would tell him to show you the filed divorced papers and then you can talk. honestly til then he will string you along with 100+ reasons why he cant leave this month...and even if he does cough up the papers, prepare yourself for months of a messy ending/separation/detangling from his current life

 

good luck

[TinaniT]

My husband and I have a similar age gap and I don't think it was easy for him, either, however, the "what if I will be alone" thing is a huge red flag. If he is alone, he is... What if he dies, or you die, or anything happens. It is life.

 

I would not wait for excuses. If they need to do those things, he can still help her with the divorce out in the open and knowing about you. My husband did so for her ex wife; she had a lot of trouble functioning because of severe depression.

 

Do not accept waiting. If he asks for waiting, tell him to come back when he is done with everything he needs to do but in the meanwhile you'll be moving forward with your life, and the longer it takes, the less likely you will still be there.

 

If he loves you, he will leave. He will not keep putting you through more and more pain.

 

I would not wait. I would not wait now, and I definitely wouldn't wait if August doesn't materialize. You can see the stories of men keeping women waiting for years, and it will be indefinite. It might not even be his intention, but the more time it works, the more time he has to get comfortable with it as the status quo.

 

I only have my experience in contrast but he started taking action before even telling me about it, not checking my intentions, and when he told me, he was ready to tell his wife right away until I convinced waiting a little bit because I didn't want the affair known. (doesn't work so well in practice as in theory, by the way. I am lucky she was, despite the depression and a couple issues, she ended up being a far stronger and better woman than I had realized to that point.)

 

Are you in IC? If not, I'd start. No matter what happens, you are bound to need it.

 

My husband (obviously) left and married me and I'm very happy with him and love him just as much now - any of those things could have gone wrong in the transition, you see tons of stories here - but I still needed it to deal with the guilt and stress of having been part of an affair and feeling like I broke up a family (though I was assured he'd be getting a divorce even if I left when he first told me... and there was a lot going on, including BW's own affair, precipitating the end of the marriage before I was in the picture)

[stillafool]

 

because of our 20 year age gap.

 

 

His wife needs to learn to drive so she can drop off/pick up kids from school,

 

 

His youngest daughter will be starting school in august 2012

 

OP, I'm curious, how old are you and how old is he? If he has children that haven't even started school he must be pretty young, so how old are you?

[nofool4u]

I've been waiting to be with him for over a year now and I'm already tired of it. I hate being in this situation, I just want a normal relationship where we don't have to hide.

 

You should have been tired of it from the get go. Normal relationship? With a cheater? Good luck with that.

[waiting.]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OP, I'm curious, how old are you and how old is he? If he has children that haven't even started school he must be pretty young, so how old are you?

 

I'm 30, he is 49.

[nofool4u]

i would tell him to show you the filed divorced papers and then you can talk. honestly til then he will string you along with 100+ reasons why he cant leave this month

 

Coming from someone that is stringing an x-bf along, got pregnant by another MM, and is going to let the x-bf think the baby is his, ....thats rich:rolleyes:

 

Hypocrisy runs rampant

[waiting.]

Did your 1st M start as an A too???...if you're 20 years younger that a man with a 4-5 year old child...I'm guessing you're pretty young...and this will be your SECOND step-mother situation???...

 

No, my ex didn't start as an affair. I'm 30.. you decide if that's young or not.

And yes, this is my "SECOND" step-mother situation. I don't know why that's put in capital letters like it's a big deal. My ex happened to be a man who had kids, and I gladly accepted them. If this relationship ends up not working, and in the future, I find myself loving a man with kids again, I will put myself in a THIRD stepmother situation. Nothing wrong with being a stepmother.

[waiting.]

Thanks for all the replies.. I decided the only way I'll know whether he has intentions of leaving in August is to wait till August and see what happens. Everyone's situation is different so naturally everyone who posts on here will base their post on their previous experiences which are of course not the same as mine.

 

I of course am not discounting the possibility that he might have no intention of doing so, but I'll have to wait and see to find out.

I'll post back on here in August with an update..

[spice4life]

The wife learned to drive so that she can go to work, but it wasn't done in order for him to have a life with you. It was most likely this couple's plan all along -- once the youngest was ready for school, she would learn to drive so that she can get a job and earn money for THEIR family.

 

He's not going anywhere. He'll come up with more and more elaborate excuses as your deadline comes and goes. Don't be surprised when she gets "cancer."

 

I agree with this and think he is just going to keep telling you stories to string you along. I think the story is designed to make you feel guilty so you won't pressure him.

[18Years2Late]

No, my ex didn't start as an affair. I'm 30.. you decide if that's young or not.

And yes, this is my "SECOND" step-mother situation. I don't know why that's put in capital letters like it's a big deal. My ex happened to be a man who had kids, and I gladly accepted them. If this relationship ends up not working, and in the future, I find myself loving a man with kids again, I will put myself in a THIRD stepmother situation. Nothing wrong with being a stepmother.

 

From the facts u stated in your OP I did the math and deduced that u must b fairly young...

 

I find it a little odd that your 1st M was to a man that (doing the math again) was significantly older than you...with 2 kids...normally people don't look to take on all that baggage in their 1st M...JMO...now that didn't work so well and your looking to do it again...only with a much older man...with similar baggage...on top of the huge bag of an affair...don't you want to start a family of your own without baggage and drama?...are you looking for a father figure in your life?...just think about that...

 

Again...JMHO...

[waiting.]

From the facts u stated in your OP I did the math and deduced that u must b fairly young...

 

I find it a little odd that your 1st M was to a man that (doing the math again) was significantly older than you...with 2 kids...normally people don't look to take on all that baggage in their 1st M...JMO...now that didn't work so well and your looking to do it again...only with a much older man...with similar baggage...on top of the huge bag of an affair...don't you want to start a family of your own without baggage and drama?...are you looking for a father figure in your life?...just think about that...

 

Again...JMHO...

 

No, I am not looking for a father figure as I don't have a void in that area of my life.

And just to be clear, my ex didn't work out not because of the age gap, but because of his drinking problem and him not wanting to accept any help for his problem.

Lastly, although I appreciate hearing different points of views and opinions, I did not come on this forum seeking advice about our age difference, or the unique challenges that come with an age gap relationship. I was simply asking whether a year seemed like a reasonable amount of time for someone to sort out certain things before breaking up, and was interested in the challenges others have faced during this period of waiting.

[waiting.]

Actually your situation is no different than almost every other OW who has a deadline. It comes and goes and MM does NOT leave. I've never been in your situation, but I already know how it will end. So does everyone else. He's not leaving.

 

Once August comes, then September his youngest will start school. And he won't be able to leave at that time. Then it will be the holidays and he can't possibly leave then. And then . . . .

 

Don't you think you are generalizing a little too much here?

I am not arguing with you saying he will leave. Because I can't be certain of that. Maybe he'll leave, and maybe he won't. I have no way of knowing, and though you might be right, you have no way of knowing for certain what will happen. Every person is unique and every situation is unique even though the general situation might share similarities with others. But like I said, you are basing your assumptions on what you have gone through.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for all the replies.. I decided the only way I'll know whether he has intentions of leaving in August is to wait till August and see what happens. Everyone's situation is different so naturally everyone who posts on here will base their post on their previous experiences which are of course not the same as mine.

 

I of course am not discounting the possibility that he might have no intention of doing so, but I'll have to wait and see to find out.

I'll post back on here in August with an update..

 

Do yourself a huge favour if you can and are able to handle it. Keep the intimacy out of this UNTIL he chooses for sure. Otherwise you're the OW and it's just an affair.

 

One thing to think about.. Breaking up at the END of the summer, just before school starts?? Hmm...

 

Anyway, let his actions show what is and what isn't. If August comes by and nothing happens, then Sept, rolls around and he's still not divorcing then end it. He isn't leaving ever.

[whichwayisup]

No, I am not looking for a father figure as I don't have a void in that area of my life.

And just to be clear, my ex didn't work out not because of the age gap, but because of his drinking problem and him not wanting to accept any help for his problem.

Lastly, although I appreciate hearing different points of views and opinions, I did not come on this forum seeking advice about our age difference, or the unique challenges that come with an age gap relationship. I was simply asking whether a year seemed like a reasonable amount of time for someone to sort out certain things before breaking up, and was interested in the challenges others have faced during this period of waiting.

 

let's just say this. Those who want a divorce DO IT, reguardless of what's going on..They do it quickly so theres less pain all around and it isn't dragged out for months and months.

 

ONe thing - He has told you all this stuff 'he is going to do' and his plan for his wife to work and drive etc.. IS SHE aware of any of this ?? My concern for you is he's exaggerating and his wife has NO idea about the doom that coming her way. Divorcing by summers end just seems far fetched. Especially if she is clueless about it.. I mean does he plan on just handing her papers in August?

[SidLyon]

Don't you think you are generalizing a little too much here?

I am not arguing with you saying he will leave. Because I can't be certain of that. Maybe he'll leave, and maybe he won't. I have no way of knowing, and though you might be right, you have no way of knowing for certain what will happen. Every person is unique and every situation is unique even though the general situation might share similarities with others. But like I said, you are basing your assumptions on what you have gone through.

 

I haven't been in your situation, in fact I'm the BW of a man who had an A for several years. I would say it's about a 90% certainty that he's not going to leave, and even if he does it's about 99% certain he won't have left by the end of August this year.

 

You said:

 

"His wife needs to learn to drive so she can drop off/pick up kids from school, grocery shop etc.. (she supposedly can drive now, just needs to take the test)

His wife needs to find a job, (supposedly been applying to lots of jobs)

His youngest daughter will be starting school in august 2012, so his wife can go to work while the kids are at school.

He needs to save some money before he moves out because he still needs to support his children while contributing to the home he will be living in with me.

So basically he is saying he wants her to be independent, and make sure he has a little saved up so things go smoothly."

 

What progress has he actually made towards all these goals. You would expect to see considerable progress by now wouldn't you? Has he told his wife and children or does he plan to just up and leave in August? Has he got any plan about this at all? If he has no concrete plan about how he is going to leave and how he is going to tell everyone then you can be pretty sure he isn't leaving.

 

What about his BW who is apparently expected to progress towards him being able to leave without even knowing that she's supposedly moving towards the destruction (by him and you) of her marriage and family life.

 

You and he can hardly expect her to be on the same page as him if she doesn't even know that she's supposed to be becoming independent so he can leave her. In any case why doesn't he just plan to take his kids to school himself if she doesn't' happen to have got her driver's license by the time he leaves?

[xxoo]

Things got serious between us, but MM had doubts about whether he wanted to leave his family and be with me for a while because of our 20 year age gap. He was honest about it and told me he needed time to think about us. He was worried that he would leave his family, then after I would dump him for a younger man as he got older, then he would have nothing.

 

What was he thinking before it was "serious"? He was just sleeping around, while married? That's who you are picking for a mate??

 

I don't know if he'll leave, but you will probably be much better off if he stays. God help his wife (are you volunteering for that role?)

[Lauriebell82]

It does sound like you are making excuses for him and letting him jerk you around. I know that is hard to hear because you love him and are going to defend him. Maybe you are not at the point where you can see his denial, although you wouldn't have posted otherwise. It sounds like at this point you want to believe him, but part of you doesn't. Go with the part that doesn't!

 

I think he is stalling you. All of those things he mentioned could be worked out in the PROCESS of a divorce. He probably figures you will wait for him (you already did) so he is manipulating the situation. MM rarely leave their wives....

[2sunny]

Leno need to wait any longer. Get busy living and dating and having fun!

 

Tell your MM that this is your new plan... Then do it!

 

Either he will or he won't - but in the meantime you're not left in this "waiting" state you have agreed to. Change that agreement today!