am I inconsiderate for having an affair with a MM when I have STD?

[fanou22]

I have been having an affair with a MM for a month now.

I posted a reply on Mr. Spock thread telling about me and already every one passed judgment on me.

 

I am in the affair with MM simply for the sex. I have Herpes and he knows it. Yet he did not shy away from me like others when I was dating them and told them what I had before we started having sex. Every guy I dated which are 2 guys in the past 3 years tried to keep a seemingly nice face when I told them I have Herpes but guess what happened? I did not see them afterwards.

 

Some of you have said keep it to yourself. I kept it to myself but in case you don't know this: YOU do not need sexual intercourse to transmit it. The medium of transportation is the skin so I guess that says enough.

 

My MM has his mind set on cheating on his wife. It just happens that he is cheating with me. According to him, to have a fulfilling life he needs a lover. I told him numerous times to seek therapy or counseling or talk with his wife since he says she has a low libido but he does not want to. Then again from what I read today, don't they all say the same thing?

 

This is a forum for being the OW/OM.

Why did everyone's tone change once I mentioned I have herpes. The focus became on me being inconsiderate. Everyone forgot about me being the OW.

 

Having herpes does mean I slept around but unfortunately my ex forgot to mention it one day and he never admitted to it.

 

Am I going to be judged because that person that I loved the most in my life did not say anything about having STD and brought my world to a complete stop? Or because am I having an affair with a MM?

 

I read in the postings how some of you supported each other and I was looking for the answer of why he would risk it all to be with me knowing what I have.

[sportsloving]

What if he never tells his wife and yet passes it along? Just asking, not judging. But wow.

[average guy]

First of all, I think it is only fair to tell anyone that you are going to get involved with that you do have herpes, so you score one point for that

 

Second, you did tell him and he has agreed to "go ahead" with the affair, so it is not really your fault if he gets herpes. Score another point

 

But, you must realise that if he gets herpes, his unwitting wife will as well (just as you did). Lose a point

 

And, even thought you have told him to get counselling etc. you are still having an affair with a married man, which is wrong. So lose another point

 

Score = 2 points gained - 2 points lost

 

Answer to your dilema = there is no answer. What's happened has happened, and you can only wait and see what the fallout will be.

 

Good luck

[fanou22]

Originally posted by sportsloving

What if he never tells his wife and yet passes it along? Just asking, not judging. But wow.

 

I don't know. I asked him more than once and never gave me an answer he would simply change the subject.

[Mr Spock]

You asked if it's inconsiderate to have sex with your MM (unprotected!!) when you have herpes. YES. It's inconsiderate to have sex with ANYONE when you have an STD without condoms. If you had HIV you wouldn't even be asking yourself that. I am sorry that you contracted Herpes. It's not the end of the world. I know several people that lead very normal lives. Is it always on their minds? Yes. I am sorry that the first person that latched on to your insecurities about yourself and dealing with this virus is a MM with no concern for his wife. Obviously, he must hate her very very much to knowingly try to infect her with the herpes virus. Because you don't need to be having an outbreak to pass it on. If you have the virus, regardless if you are having an outbreak YOU CAN PASS IT ON TO OTHERS.

 

 

So regardless what you feel for this man, make him wear a condom. It is not sexually responsible to have an STD and have unprotected sex. His wife could pass it on to someone else, etc. I would imagine everyone on here who has lost a loved one to AIDS would be very angry with your complete and total lack of respect for others.

 

Do I condemn you for having an affair? No. Do I condemn you for knowingly not wearing a condom when you're not in a monagamous relationship? YES. My best friend has herpes. I'm not judging you for that.

[sportsloving]

Originally posted by fanou22

I don't know. I asked him more than once and never gave me an answer he would simply change the subject.

 

There are so many things you could have done to protect the wife (that you knew about). IMO, you know the damage that this STD can do to a person, why would you take a chance with the wife who knows nothing about you? Would you give herpes to your best friend?

 

She is at home (watching the kiddos?) and you are sleeping with her husband knowing you could not only affect his life, but hers.

 

I am not here to judge you. If you want to have an affair with a married man, go for it. I would ask that you think of his wife. Suppose she finds out that he is cheating, files for divorce, consults a doctor and finds that she has this STD that will never go away. She will now be in the position that you are in. She will have to inform anyone she wants to be close to, and she will go through the same things as you. And what does she get from it all? She slept with her husband.

[Matilda]

Originally posted by fanou22

 

I have Herpes and he knows it. Yet he did not shy away from me like others when I was dating them and told them what I had before we started having sex.

 

My problem with this, is that your MM made a conscious choice to have sex with you even though he knows you have herpes. Great for you. However, his wife has not made a choice to have her husband have sex with someone with herpes. I'm assuming she has no knowledge of this.

 

You say you were betrayed by someone you loved having herpes and not telling you. I commend you for telling your prospective sex partners. However, in this situation, there are 3 sex partners, you, MM, and his wife. One of these people

does not know. You would be doing to his wife, albeit through him, what was done to you.

 

Of course, he deserves most of the blame in this situation, but I encourage you to consider his wife. And really why would you want to even have sex with a man who would do this to his wife?

[Debster]

I admit to being shocked and disgusted by your post but I am trying really hard to not be judgemental. Let's see how I do.

 

Let's just look at the facts here:

 

1) You are having an affair

2) You have an STD

3) You are having unprotected sex

4) You are having unprotected sex with someone else's man

5) You are having sex with someone who clearly doesn't give a crap about anyone else besides himself

6) You have self esteem issues (clearly due to an affair, the STD, the other men leaving, etc...)

 

Nobody wins in the situation. Granted the biggest loser in this situation is the wife. You are a close second. However, the LOSER is this MM. Get rid of him. Anyone who is willing to cheat on their wife, possible infect her and threaten her future is scum. Besides - who knows who else he is banging and what disease they might have!!

 

There was a recent case in Canada of a guy who knowingly infected women with HIV. Keep that in mind. If you can't trust the ones you sleep with, with your health - what the #$@ are you doing sleeping with them.

 

Somewhere out there, there is bound to be someone who is right for you and who can handle the fact that you have an STD. I believe there is someone out there for everyone. But what you are doing is selfish, harmful and disrespectful and is setting yourself up for some wickedly bad relationship karma.

[einahpets]

....suppose you are not the only person he is cheating on his wife with.

suppose they get a divorce and his wife moves on and sleeps with someone else.

suppose all those people have sex with other people because that is what people do...

 

you could be the start of infecting more people than you can count. you are ok with that? it is fine to have sex if you have herpes with an agreeable partner in a monogomous relationship. this is not that. i am sure you have suffered because of your herpes. and you are willingly doing this to people you will never know, possibly ruining lives? this is why stds are so widespread. i can't understand why someone would do this, besides the fact that they are a truly selfish, twisted person. are you trying to get revenge on the world because you have been infected with this? don't even get me started on the fact that he is married. i certainly hope they don't have children. what you are doing is unconscionable.

 

so some advise...break up with this man and seek help. get therapy and join a support group. you are knowingly infecting people with something that has been a source of pain in your life. you need to get help.

[fanou22]

you could be the start of infecting more people than you can count. you are ok with that? it is fine to have sex if you have herpes with an agreeable partner in a monogomous relationship.

 

So from what I understand from you, because he is married it is not okay? I am not looking to infect him on purpose. I was very careful at the beginning but he is the one who lost the protection. What would happen in your opinion if I am in a monogomous relationship and the other person gets infected and the relationship does not work?

I do not want to infect the whole world.

He could get infected even when he uses a condom. Read any publication online and you would know very well that if he touches me when the virus is active in my body without necessarily having a visible outbreak, he could infect himself when he puts the condom on.

 

you are knowingly infecting people with something that has been a source of pain in your life.

 

Am I? Then what would be the point of letting someone know what I have if I am willingly doing so?

[einahpets]

you are knowingly infecting people with something that has been a source of pain in your life.

 

Am I? Then what would be the point of letting someone know what I have if I am willingly doing so?

 

yes, you are. you haven't told his wife, have you? i also have a skin to skin sexual virus (hpv). i have been in a monogamous relationship for two years. he knows all the details of what is going on with me. i would never be with someone knowing that they are in a sexual relationship with someone else who does not know the risk they are in. there is a possibility that i may get cervical cancer from this. i would never knowingly expose another woman to this, knowing what i have been through. what happens if my relationship ends (him sleeping with others) is out of my hands. but you can control your situation right now. and you chose to expose his wife.

 

why would you want to be with a person like him? if you don't care about her, care about yourself and leave him. he is knowingly exposing his wife to a std and not telling her. he is putting her health at risk. he is an a**hole. how can you be with him?

 

i don't know why you are posting. you asked all our opinions and when we all gave you our opinions, you told us we were wrong. are you asking us to tell you that you are doing the right thing? because i don't think you will get that type of feedback here.

 

ps. do they have children?

[fanou22]

I am not waiting fo all of you to say whether it is right or wrong?

I was only trying to understand why would he want to be with me and got hammered when I mentioned I have a STD.

 

I am doing what I am doing. I am in this for the sex, that's all

 

And yes they do have children

[einahpets]

i understand you are just in it for the sex.

 

it is it really just about sex when it is affecting so many people.

 

even if you are in it for the sex, you are having it with a really messed up guy. these types of relationships can change people (you?) whether it is just about sex or not. if he is that inconsiderate of others lives (namely his children and wife) it makes me wonder what else is wrong with him. he must be f***ed in the head. leave him for you safety and sanity (not to mention his kids and wife). it really doesn't bother you to look at him when you have sex knowing that you may be infecting their father with herpes? or their mother? or do you do it doggy style?

[average guy]

Originally posted by einahpets

i understand you are just in it for the sex.

 

 

I too understand that this can be the case, but I don't really understand how seomeone can be for having sex with a married person knowing that they are 99% likely to be breaking their spouses heart. Everyone always blames the cheating husband/wife (and I'm not trying to chastise you, fanou22 but I honsetly don't understand how someone could be enjoying having sex with seomone knowing that it is going to cause someone else pain (I'm not talking about the herpes here, I mean just general heartbreak, loss of trust, etc.) Is any sex really worth that burden on your shoulders? Or do the "cheetes" just not think or care about it? It's hard to understand

[sportsloving]

I was only trying to understand why would he want to be with me and got hammered when I mentioned I have a STD.

 

The reason for this? Because he simply doesn't care. He doesn't care about you, and he sure doesn't care about his wife.

 

 

I am not waiting fo all of you to say whether it is right or wrong

 

Yes you are, look at the title of your post. Am I inconsiderate for having an affair with a married man when I have an STD

 

You can be as selfish with your life that you want to, its a given right. But the majority of posters are asking that you take into consideration the affects of this affair on the guys wife. She is innocent in all of this, no matter what lies he has said, no matter how awful he said his home life is ... HE is going home to his wife and has knowingly and willingly subjected her to your STD.

 

So just out of curiousity. Let's say he is sleeping with someone else besides you. And she has HIV. She has told him, he didn't care and didn't protect himself. So by sleeping with this man who has no regard for anyones health ... you could also get HIV from him EVEN THOUGH she told him. Wouldn't you be peeved off, angry, and hurt? Think about his wife for a moment.

 

I can't even see the greatest sex in the world being worth hurting so many others. And it will hurt others, it is a guarantee.

[HokeyReligions]

Why you would come here and ask strangers what is going on in the mind of someone else is ludicrous and beyond me. I also don't understand how someone can live the way you are living and act in such an ignorant and irresponsible and dangerous fashion, without any concern for anyone else. I have NO respect for that kind of selfishness, but what do you care, right?

 

AT LEAST drop the wife a note and tell her her husband is fooling around with someone who has Herpes and suggest she get tested. I would be devastated to find out my husband was cheating (she will find out eventually) but I would at least be grateful to have found out before I contracted the STD or before I passed on the STD to someone else after my divorce. Maybe the wife will at least be honorable and decent about the whole thing.

[istilllovehim]

I am really no one to comment because I have been in the OW/MM/W triangle but IMHO:

 

You are being so inconsiderate. How can you not see that? She is just an innocent party in this screwed up triangle. There she is just being a wife to her husband and there you two are willingly giving her an STD. If I was this wife and I found out you gave me and STD, not only would he pay, but you bet your sweet checks that you would pay too. That is so sad. I feel so horrible for her.

 

Girl, start thinking about how it felt to you. Why would you do this to someone else. If a man is willing to catch a STD from you, fine, that is his choice but he isn't giving her a choice. You should stop seeing this man immediately and tell him if he wants to be with you, leave his wife. This is so much more destructive than an Affair.

 

Sorry, to be honest but you wanted honesty.

[fanou22]

I thank you all for your replies.

I must not have been thinking with the right side of my brain.

I guess I kind of expected him to back away from me instead of the other way around.

Why is he doing this? I don't know

Does his wife deserve this? No she does not.

 

I forgot how much it hurt when I first found out about my situation.

 

I have sent him an e-mail telling him that we should not be seeing each other anymore because his wife does not deserve what might happen to her.

I saw him when I came to work and we talked very briefly about wanting him to get tested. He agreed. But still asked to see me in a couple of days.

 

I was just stupid, confused, and enjoying the attention

[Debster]

I must admit I am glad you made a decision to end it.

[tiki]

IMO, his wife will contract the STD from him, his wife will find out that he's been cheating on her and dump him. You two can then live happily ever after both living with the STD that you're very aware of. Badabing! And everybody's happy except for the poor ex-wife that is stuck with Herpes. Sounds like a winning combination.

 

Geez people. Take other's bodies and health into consideration. You are imposing your herpes onto an innocent victim (her) and so is he. You two deserve each other.