Boy, is it tough not to ask questions about his FIRST wedding!

[Thinkalot]

Maybe I should have typed this in the 'rants' section.... I just have to admit...that I'm having a tough time not asking questions about my fiance's FIRST wedding, to his ex-wife. As we start discussing details of our own wedding, I feel compelled to ask "and did you do that at your first wedding..?? Or ...what did you do the first time?" Arrrggghhhhh...I know, I know. It's just another outlet of my obsessive thinking (I suffer OCD).

 

I try to ignore the impulse to ask, to know, to have control over everything. I tell myself not to worry...it will go away soon. Or I tell myself to be happy (the whole positive thinking thing IS still working a treat most of the time by the way...) and focus on the here and now.

 

But lately...the questions about his first wedding, have been slipping out . He usually says he honestly doesn't remember. Or says "does it matter?". I then quickly get a grip, and say "no...sorry I asked"...and change the subject! (thank goodness I no longer go on and on about things, and can stop myself quickly).

 

I just had to admit that it is hard right now in relation to this subject.

 

I'm doing well overall, and my fiance has commented a few times on how well I've been doing lately, and how he's noticed me being more upbeat and relaxed. Plus, I am plain happy right now!

 

It's just this old obsessive 'need to know' thing that's flared up with all the wedding talk.

 

Any words of comfort/advice much appreciated! Or even maybe just a smack on the head is needed

[moimeme]

There is never, ever a 'need' to know. Perhaps you should rename it to yourself. It is not 'need' but rather 'compulsive desire to control' or 'dysfunctional desire to dominate'. 'Need' almost sounds benign. Don't sugarcoat it to yourself. It's damaging to you both and to your relationship. Call a spade a spade.

[average guy]

Remember, it's your wedding!

[CurlyIam]

I don't know if it'll make you feel any better, but I'd want to know too. Very sad, but it was the major event in his life. And now he's doing it again. I mean the pressure, the competition!

 

So to me it would be truly important to know details. Look at pictures, just confront this, confront my biggest fears... It would be very hard for me to go through wih this. YOU are doing a very good job, with or without the OCD, Thinkalot!

[johan]

I hope you can keep from beating yourself up over it. I know it's a sore spot in your relationship, but it's not like it's unnatural to want to know. I'd ask my girlfriend about her past relationships, I have, and I will. There's a difference between obsessive questioning and healthy curiosity. I hope you are (or will be) able to know the difference, so you don't have to avoid every question regardless of its motivation.

 

What do you expect as far as a "cure" for this? Has anyone given you a plan or some hope for the future as far as how you can expect to beat this once and for all? After you've been married for 10 years, do you think you'll still be thinking about it?

[Thinkalot]

moi- thanks- although I was not intentionally sugarcoating, I'll certainly be strict in reminding myself this is very unhealthy for us... was that my smack on the head?

 

A.G.- thanks for the reminder

 

Curly...I appreciate your understanding and support ...even though I know it needs to be overcome. I am competitive at the best of times....but comparing is no good, and only brings up a subject I do not want him thinking about anyway!

 

johan- It's tricky to know what's healthy curiousity and what's obsessive with me. My general rule of thumb is to assume it's unhealthy obsessive thinking/comparing/competing. I mean, I know the basics about his first wedding, and I would assume that for most people, that would be enough. I know where, when, how etc. Wanting to know all the finer details is not healthy I don't think. It's simply another way of wanting to control everything, to compete, and stems from thinking too much about the past again anyway!

 

Progressively this has been improving over the past 6 months. So I expect it to continue to do so, until it fades even more. It may never entirely dissapear, but exist at a level that is not damaging to my personal well being, or my relationship/marriage.

 

I think back to how I would have handled this 6 months ago...and I know I would not be doing as well as I currently am. I would not sometimes ask a question (only when the subject has come up), and then quickly drop it. I would be asking things all the time, and not being able to drop it..but pushing onwards. Thank goodness I don't do that now.

 

Oh, and it is a relief to know that some others would also want to ask questions and know stuff. I just think a line has to be drawn..otherwise the whole thing will turn into another area of comparison...and I am having so much fun planning, and loving him, and looking forward..am I determined not to let myself spoil these moments, by looking backwards.

[moimeme]

moi- thanks- although I was not intentionally sugarcoating, I'll certainly be strict in reminding myself this is very unhealthy for us... was that my smack on the head?

 

Of course!

 

I'd certainly not want details of the previous weddings of someone. I mean, if he wanted to tell me, great - but otherwise, I'd trust that if anything were to be too similar to what happened before, he'd suggest we do whatever that was differently and that would be that.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by moimeme

I mean, if he wanted to tell me, great - but otherwise, I'd trust that if anything were to be too similar to what happened before, he'd suggest we do whatever that was differently and that would be that.

 

Oh- to be able to view it that way!!! I am trying...I think I can ..I think I can...I KNOW I can do it!

[average guy]

Remember, under stress, our idiosyncracies become stronger, so give yourself a break and don't worry if you feel like you are "slipping" backwards a little, it'll all return to normal when it's all over

[Thinkalot]

Thanks A.G.

 

I'm having fun working on my messages in a bottle, invites anyway! We were out on the beach yesterday, taking photos of our names written in the sand in a heart, because we are going to put a photo like that under the writing. I love creating things.

[average guy]

Are you planning to get married at the beach?

[Thinkalot]

In an island chapel by the beach in Fiji!

[CurlyIam]

Try looking at it this way: since they definetely didn't have their wedding on an isle, there are little chances of your marriage resembeling in any aspect to his first one, haha!

 

I think every woman is different when it comes to reacting in a situation like this. It simply is very hard to believe that one would simply not ask, given your case-being the second marriage. I know it is a slippery slope, with your disease and everything, but this is very big. I simply can't imagine a woman telling the truth and saying

 

I'd certainly not want details of the previous weddings of someone especially if that someone is your future husband.

 

Right, there are limits, in knowing details... Maybe it's only my own insecurities...

 

Oh well, since we do have the courage to face them, I think the problem is halfway solved

[moimeme]

I simply can't imagine a woman telling the truth and saying

 

I'd certainly not want details of the previous weddings of someone especially if that someone is your future husband.

 

Well stretch your imagination, then. I would not have said it if it were not true. I can't for the life of me figure out why someone would want to know. The past is the past and a lot of us have no interest in dwelling there when the future beckons so persuasively.

 

Not everybody thinks exactly the same as you. This is a helpful piece of information to carry with you.

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

 

 

I think every woman is different when it comes to reacting in a situation like this.

 

Right, there are limits, in knowing details... Maybe it's only my own insecurities...

 

Oh well, since we do have the courage to face them, I think the problem is halfway solved

 

MAybe you don't read my posts entirely .

[Thinkalot]

Hey there Curly....yep, lots of women would ask, I agree. The trick then is setting a limit, and not digging too deep, because then you fall into a great big hole of insecurity and comparison, which does noone any good. A certain amount of curiousity may be natural, but then it has to stop. And you're right, with my OCD..the obsessive questions can quickly get out of hand. That's my rule now anyway...it's just a relief to admit on here that it's really hard for me sometimes. It's also a relief to know I'm not the only one who would react this way, OCD or no OCD.

 

Part of the reason we picked Fiji, was to do something totally different! So I am glad about that.

 

To moi and the others:

I was actually reflecting on this last night, and I realised part of it isn't just insecurity, obsessing etc...it's actually jealousy I think. I'm jealous they went through all this wedding stuff together...I wish my guy and I were going through it all for the first time together. Silly huh?

 

The thing is, he tells me this is so different, that he's a different person now, older and more complex, our love is different and deeper..so it IS new and fresh. I remind myself of those words often. Plus, jealousy of the past is pathetic really.

[moimeme]

I wish my guy and I were going through it all for the first time together.

 

Because you're afraid that you'll not measure up by comparison. Part of the OCD maybe or part of underlying insecurities. Whatever it is, it's another demon that needs exorcising.

[Matilda]

I think I would want to know some things about his first wedding. I would want this wedding to be "special" between the 2 of us. But, the really important thing is that the 2 of you have a wedding that you are happy with. And, as a person who has had 2 weddings, I think I invested too much time and energy in both of them. If you can, relax and concentrate on the true meaning of the wedding, and not so much on the details of the ceremony itself. Really, it will be a wonderful day (that's if the marriage is a good one ) no matter what happens.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks Matilda.

 

moi...I suppose it must come back to my fears of not measuring up. If I examine myself closely...I think an underlying fear of mine has long been that this time won't measure up, because he was younger and fresher the first time round. Also, I'm sometimes plain jealous that he's already been through these experiences with someone before me.

 

I've discussed these things with my psych...and the main thing I have to remind myself is, that everything is new and special between the two of us...and with age and experience comes a capacity for even greater love and depth and understanding between people (also my fiance's description of the changes in himself, and in this relationship with me). Also, his experience of wedding planning/the wedding etc etc, is not going to be the same as the first time, and he certainly never compares! In fact, he had little to do with planning the first wedding, and really can't remember the finer details at all. And besides, it really doesn't matter what happened back then, because this is NOW.

 

So, yes, I have the answers, and much of the time I'm good with it all...and know what to think if the pesky thoughts butt in. Sometimes though, venting the demon thoughts on here is most theraputic! And admitting I'm trying, but not yet all the way there, is a relief.

[moimeme]

venting the demon thoughts on here is most theraputic

 

Get the little dickenses out in the open where they can dry up and die!

[average guy]

This may seem a bit extreme, but I just had a thought (which is pretty rare so I thought - ooh, I had another one! that I'd better share it quickly before it disappears!

 

Now, what was I going to say....

 

oh yes, what if you approached each day of your life like you knew that you were going to die at midnight. What would you rather do on your last day of life, think about the past, or live every moment of the present to the fullest?

 

Would some "extreme" thinking like this help you get out of your obsessions? If not, ignore everything I''ve just said

 

A.G.

[Thinkalot]

First, well done on having a thought, A.G.

 

That kind of thinking IS helpful actually. I have an affirmation on the wall next to my bed which says , "Make each day be the best it can be!". It reminds me not to take moments for granted, or to waste them..and to be positive. And it does help, and emphasises the futility of being a 'past dweller'.

[average guy]

I just had another thought!!

 

That could be a new sport - EXTREME THINKING!!!

 

They have extreme everything else, so why not?

[Thinkalot]

Indeed! And I'm into some 'extreme sports' (heli-skiing...skydiving...), so I'm already well equipped to take on this extreme thinking.

[average guy]

I used to do skydiving and rockclimbing, as well as search and rescue for avalanches.

 

I've always wanted to snowboard off a cliff, and then skysurf, and then pop my shute, and when I land relase and continue boarding I got to the point where I was going to start base jumping but I had kids and that changes everything. Guess I'll just have to have fun surfing the Internet instead

 

Cheers,

 

A.G.