How to move past............

[standtall]

After reading your threads radar, there are a lot of red flags no matter what the angry, offended, women posters here say. There is nothing absolute yet, but I would be watching things..guard your wife from other men.. In the meanwhile, find the language of love that your wife thrives on and give it to her. Be that charming, funny, take charge man that she fell for to begin with. I don't know who wears the pants in your home, but most women don't love men they don't respect, so don't be a doormat.

 

BTW, angry women posters..he came here for advice, and already has one angry female at home..he doesn't need angry ones here lashing out at him.

 

If I were her, I would divorce you. And take you for every last dime.

 

is a terrible, bs statement, and has no business being here.

[2sunny]

I'm glad it worked out for you!

[frozensprouts]

I know, I know. HUGE mistake on my part. I know that now. Hence the reason I am in counseling to get what is between my ears cleaned out!!

 

The reason why it was my number one possibility is because I listened to some REALLY bad advice from someone who I thought was a good friend and the internet. According to 'DR' Google, showing increased desire and wanting to try new things in bed is a 'telltale' sign of someone feeling guilty. Sadly, I know that is not the case.

 

The repair work has been done and I know that it will take some time. I am willing to fight for my marriage and my family and EARN back her trust............

 

 

like I said before....maybe your wife had spent so many years being "mom" that she wanted to find herself as a "woman" again. She may well have been doing this for herself, and you as well.

 

is there any way that you can secretly arrange for someone to watch the kids tonight ( or whenever works for you) and take her out for a surprise night on the town? Let her know that you appreciate her, spend some time together as "husband and wife" and not just "mom and dad"...enjoy each others company and be happy with one another

 

i wish the best of luck for the two of you

[2sunny]

I'd still delay the boob job another six months... If she's waited this long - another six months is nothing - that way you have time to be sure it's the right thing for her.

 

IF she gets mad about waiting - then you would need to know why the rush?

[frozensprouts]

I'd still delay the boob job another six months... If she's waited this long - another six months is nothing - that way you have time to be sure it's the right thing for her.

 

 

that makes a lot of sense. the more time she has to weigh all the pros and cons the better, and in six months she may well find that it wasn't as important as she thought it was

[Afishwithabike]

I know, I know. HUGE mistake on my part. I know that now. Hence the reason I am in counseling to get what is between my ears cleaned out!!

 

The reason why it was my number one possibility is because I listened to some REALLY bad advice from someone who I thought was a good friend and the internet. According to 'DR' Google, showing increased desire and wanting to try new things in bed is a 'telltale' sign of someone feeling guilty. Sadly, I know that is not the case.

 

The repair work has been done and I know that it will take some time. I am willing to fight for my marriage and my family and EARN back her trust............

 

I'm glad you're getting IC because you need to stop being so paranoid. It's good you're going to resolve your insecurities.

 

You can find things on Google to reinforce whatever it is you're thinking. If you believe the earth is flat, you can find "evidence" of that on Google.

 

People who have been cheated on are hypervigilant and see cheating everywhere even when there's no cheating at all.

[JazzyFox]

That's exactly how a cheating wife thinks.

 

LOL - are you calling me a cheater now?

[Under_the_Radar]

I'm glad you're getting IC because you need to stop being so paranoid. It's good you're going to resolve your insecurities.

 

You can find things on Google to reinforce whatever it is you're thinking. If you believe the earth is flat, you can find "evidence" of that on Google.

 

People who have been cheated on are hypervigilant and see cheating everywhere even when there's no cheating at all.

 

Unfortunately, I am ultra-sensitive about the 'internet' right now. Don't know why or how, but in the last month and a half, I have had four, yes four friends that I went to college with that have lost their wives to FB! Surely there must have been other things going on in the marriage that I don't know about, but the stuff that is happening on FB right now just blows my mind!!

 

This the FIRST hiccup that we have had in almost 20 years. It is going to be rocky, but I am confident that we will get through it.............if I can stop being a moron!!!

 

The earth isn't flat?? Crap!!

[2sunny]

So - in reference to your original question - what are YOU doing to move past this?

 

Be specific! The answer "counseling" don't tell us one thing about exactly what YOU are DOING to change this.

 

What are YOU DOING to change it?

[2sunny]

I'm still not convinced his wife wasn't considering cheating.

 

If he hasn't exhausted every avenue of finding out for sure if she is or isn't - he still needs to see what is real.

[JazzyFox]

No, but simply by asking that question, you're showing you're overly biased by completing identifying with the OP's wife.

 

Just because you're NOT a cheater doesn't mean SHE's not.

 

And it is exactly how a cheating wife thinks. Are you seriously claiming that if your husband mistakenly accused you of cheating, then you'd divorce him and take every penny?

 

The reason you said that is because you've successfully identified with his wife--a cheater, for sure.

 

Adamant, I can understand why you would think that I overly identify with the OP's wife.

 

In fact, I don't believe that I do.

 

If my husband accused me of cheating, I would not divorce him and take every penny. (but I might be afraid he would take mine )

 

However, if my husband accused me of cheating, and was constantly suspicious of my motives for dressing well and looking sexy for him ... then I would start to freak out on him. I would find this behaviour to be very infantile and controlling, and I would have no part in it.

 

If, by some fluke, I found out that his source for his suspicions was some lame website he found on google that said that when your wife starts looking good, its because she is getting a little "something something" on the side ... then I would be floored that I was so stupid to have married an imbecile. Thats when the divorce proceedings would begin, ... unless he was EXTREMELY repentant, and bent over backwards to prove that he trusted me.

 

If, again, by some fluke, I found out he was posting these comments online, or speaking with friends, and found out that even though he said he trusted me ... that he still had lingering doubts. Then I would definitely divorce him, because I could no longer trust him.

 

Bottom line, I don't really have any feelings about OP's wife.

 

But I do have very strong feelings for the OP ... and they are laced with disdain and pity. If by siding against him, I necessarily side with OP's wife by default in your books, so be it.

 

My somewhat "erratic" postings on this thread reflect the explosive fury stirring inside me. I am enraged by the flipflopping, merry-go-round, and blatant insecurities that Under_Radar exposes in every one of his posts. And I say this, for both this thread, and the pancake boob thread.

 

I hope he got what he needed out of the LS forum, and that his IC will reap many benefits and rewards, for him, and for his marriage.

 

And I think it's time that I gave this thread a rest.

[frozensprouts]

Perfect description of a mid life crisis cheatin' MILF who's decided that she needs payback for the thankless task of raising all those kids.

 

 

hmmm....my "mid life crisis" was to finally get a profession to dye my hair instead of doing it myself. It looks much better. I'm also learning to drive( had my vision corrected enough so I should be able to now). I'm also trying to lose more weight ( will be better for my back) and dress a bit better too, as it makes me pretty good to wear nice clothes again instead of the "comfy baggy clothes" I wore when my kids were small and I was always chasing after them.

 

I do this for myself, and my husband likes it too ( we are actually trying to lose weight together...makes it easier when you have someone to do it with)

 

but, following your logic, the very fact that i want to improve myself and feel "pretty" again means that i must be just dying for an opportunity to cheat on my husband.

 

I just don't see it...I really don't.

[beenburned]

This thread was a trigger for me.

 

My H was a cheater in the early years of our marriage, when our kids were very young.(his OW were young, single, no kids, good bodies)

 

After d-day, he changed and we reconciled.

 

I made more of an effort to not be so child oriented. I went back to college, and got a full time job. My job required me to dress very business like, wear make up daily, and always wear hose with my dresses.

 

But one thing he did that really hurt me, was to start accusing me of cheating on him. (recent or in the past)

 

It was like he thought I had the same mind set as him, concerning infidelity.(he was very paranoid)

 

I have never given him any reason not to trust me, but here he was acting like an idiot.

 

I hope some of the former WS's here could explain this behavior to me, as it doesn't make any sense what so ever!

[Afishwithabike]

This thread was a trigger for me.

 

My H was a cheater in the early years of our marriage, when our kids were very young.(his OW were young, single, no kids, good bodies)

 

After d-day, he changed and we reconciled.

 

I made more of an effort to not be so child oriented. I went back to college, and got a full time job. My job required me to dress very business like, wear make up daily, and always wear hose with my dresses.

 

But one thing he did that really hurt me, was to start accusing me of cheating on him. (recent or in the past)

 

It was like he thought I had the same mind set as him, concerning infidelity.(he was very paranoid)

 

I have never given him any reason not to trust me, but here he was acting like an idiot.

 

I hope some of the former WS's here could explain this behavior to me, as it doesn't make any sense what so ever!

 

I'm not a WS, but from what I've read this is called projecting. He knows you have, if you wanted to, a get out of this marriage card. He's terrified you'll get even. So when he catches you doing something to make yourself look good, it reminds him of what he has done and he fears the worst.

[The Blue Knight]

I know that this is similar to another post, but how do you get past this?

 

About a month and half ago, I said one thing, ONE THING, that hurt the wife to the core. Not going to go into detail, but how are the BOTH of you supposed to get past it when the wife keeps bringing it up?

 

I am sure that it hurt, but in order for me to FIX it and help the healing, it needs to stop being brought up in anger. Is there anything else that I can say or do?

 

Very frustrated...........

 

My ex hung onto everything I ever said to her. Things that I never thought of as "hurtful" or "injurious" came up years later. And it wasn't like I said that many negative things, but she clung to everything I ever said and over time she had a mental recipe box of stuff in her head after more than a decade. Try recovering from that.

 

I did learn from those mistakes however and have made sure never to repeat those mistakes in my current marriage.

 

If your wife is one of those "I hang onto everything" types good luck!

 

If you really want to fix this I'd say you need to tell her you're sorry, you don't blame her for being angry, and that you didn't mean what you said to her. Then emphasize that you stepped over the line and it will NEVER happen again, and then make sure it doesn't.

 

If she hangs onto it beyond that and if you're sincere about your apology and never repeating the hurt, then it's her problem and she needs to learn a concept called forgiveness, which is a very necessary component of a good marriage.

[The Blue Knight]

This thread was a trigger for me.

 

My H was a cheater in the early years of our marriage, when our kids were very young.(his OW were young, single, no kids, good bodies)

 

After d-day, he changed and we reconciled.

 

I made more of an effort to not be so child oriented. I went back to college, and got a full time job. My job required me to dress very business like, wear make up daily, and always wear hose with my dresses.

 

But one thing he did that really hurt me, was to start accusing me of cheating on him. (recent or in the past)

 

It was like he thought I had the same mind set as him, concerning infidelity.(he was very paranoid)

 

I have never given him any reason not to trust me, but here he was acting like an idiot.

 

I hope some of the former WS's here could explain this behavior to me, as it doesn't make any sense what so ever!

People like your hubby often filter the acts of others through their own eyes and moral standards. In other words, he assumes because he's a cheater in the past, most likely all people are cheaters to one degree or another.

 

A thief thinks similarly. I steal when the opportunity arises therefore they assume that others share his ethics and standards.

[JazzyFox]

Maybe, adamant, she went to see the doctor because she was curious and didnt want to tell her husband because she was unsure if she wanted to really proceed and didnt want to "get his hopes up" ... Nothing wrong with doing a little research before you broach the subject.

 

Unless, you have more evidence or facts to support your argument, I remain unconvinced.

 

And, btw, the husband didnt come to this thread accusing his wife of infidelity (much like you claim) but brought it up when you and 2sunny started focusing on it.

 

So who is twisting the truth now?

[maybealone]

you would think that I would be involved in the decision being that I AM the one paying for it ALL.

 

Sorry, but I have a huge problem with this statement. If you don't think of that money as both of yours instead of just yours, there are problems. Even if she is a SAHM, that money is hers too since without her caring for your children, you would either not have that job or be forking over a heck of a lot for child care.

 

What caused my suspicion was the sudden change in wardrobe (nothing revealing, just WAY different than what she was wearing during child bearing years), more makeup/spending more time in the mirror, working out, and a GREATLY increased drive (she willingly agreed to try things that I have been asking her to do for many years).

 

This may not seem like much on the surface, but it was a HUGE change in my eyes (and my children's) nonetheless. My 'gut' told me something was amiss.

 

I am about your wife's age and, even though I didn't have kids, I kind of went through a rediscovering myself period. I made some life changes and started exercising, subsequently lost weight and bought new clothes. I have not cheated on my husband, but my marriage has huge problems. The weight loss was just because of the exercise (I started exercising to be more energetic, the weight loss was just a bonus), but I can't say that the new style of dressing didn't have a little bit to do with thinking ahead in case the marriage didn't work out. Not entirely -- I also made a new female friend who dresses nice (and has been happily married for over 25 years, so it's not like we are doing any single girl stuff), which made me want to be more stylish. Plus, it's just fun -- I have never been this size in my whole life, not even in high school.

 

As for the increase in drive, I think that's relatively normal at this stage in her life. Even the wanting to try new things. It's also related to the new body -- when a woman is happier with her body, she's typically a lot more frisky and daring.

 

If I were you, the things I'd focus on the most are making sure you don't take her for granted, and making sure you and her have some kid-free time to connect.

[Under_the_Radar]

Sorry, but I have a huge problem with this statement. If you don't think of that money as both of yours instead of just yours, there are problems. Even if she is a SAHM, that money is hers too since without her caring for your children, you would either not have that job or be forking over a heck of a lot for child care.

 

 

 

I am about your wife's age and, even though I didn't have kids, I kind of went through a rediscovering myself period. I made some life changes and started exercising, subsequently lost weight and bought new clothes. I have not cheated on my husband, but my marriage has huge problems. The weight loss was just because of the exercise (I started exercising to be more energetic, the weight loss was just a bonus), but I can't say that the new style of dressing didn't have a little bit to do with thinking ahead in case the marriage didn't work out. Not entirely -- I also made a new female friend who dresses nice (and has been happily married for over 25 years, so it's not like we are doing any single girl stuff), which made me want to be more stylish. Plus, it's just fun -- I have never been this size in my whole life, not even in high school.

 

As for the increase in drive, I think that's relatively normal at this stage in her life. Even the wanting to try new things. It's also related to the new body -- when a woman is happier with her body, she's typically a lot more frisky and daring.

 

If I were you, the things I'd focus on the most are making sure you don't take her for granted, and making sure you and her have some kid-free time to connect.

 

Thanks for the input.

 

Again, I will admit that fixing what I said lies completely on MY shoulders, I know that. Just got a little freaked out when the person that I had spent 19 years with underwent a transformation and seemed to completely revert back to her teenage years when we were dating. Everyday is getting better.......

 

The last several days have been REALLY good, on both sides. As a matter of fact, we are in the process of planning a trip to the big island of Hawaii to celebrate 20 years together. This will be the FIRST time in our entire marriage that we will be able to get away without having a baby in tow. I think that it is just what the doctor ordered!