nomoretroubles Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 I've been with my girlfriend for about a year but in the past three days she became very moody (she always had moments like that but it didn't last so long). When I try to talk to her I really have to drag every word out of her mouth. When I finally get some reaction, she says I don't understand her, so I tell her I kind of do (I think I do actually, I try anyway), but then she just says "no". Sometime when I tell her I love her and the only thing I want is to understand her. She just says "no need". Most of her answer when it comes to emotional stuff are like that - "no", "no need", "I don't know"... So I ask her why don't we talk about it? What would you like to be different in our relationship? What can I do? And then she just shakes head, try to avoid the question, go away, etc. It's like she doesn't want to talk. I really love her, and I think she does to, we have so much in common, but it's like she's depressed right now or something and don't want to talk. I mean even if she hates me, I don't mind if she tells me, I'll move on and good bye, but now we're like in a dead-end. I don't know if I should try harder to understand, or wait a few days until she calms down, or just go away (which would wreck me because I really do love her). So I'm lost. What could I tell her to make her go out of her shell? What do girls like to hear? What makes them think we understand them or not? I'm so f... lost.
Philosoraptor Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 Do you understand why she says that? I had one like this as well. Her problem was that she didn't understand herself or why she felt a certain way. Rather than taking the time to explain things she would expect people to read her mind, and like you said, drag every word out. How does she react when you ask a logical question? Does she get defensive or moody? Explain to her that you would like to understand her, but you need her to do a little more on her end to verbalize what she needs from you and to explain things in a way that you can understand. Finding the way to properly communicate to one another is very important in a relationship. If she instead tells you that she is doing enough and you just need to understand her (without her ever talking about it)... then I'd suggest dating mental adults. From my experience things are much better that way.
LZ2000 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 She has her own issues, or something bad has happened to her, but she simply does not want to tell you. She does not want to tell you most likely because she doesn't trust you or she believes you can't handle the truth (the real cause of why she's being so distant). And there are many possibilities or reasons why. It is a losing battle. And it is the one of the most heartbreaking ones. If you want me to give additional advice, just feel free to post here again.
Eddie Edirol Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 If she doesnt want to explain to you what the issue is, either 1.) you are not acting on hints that she is trying to give. She doesnt want to tell you straight out because its a turnoff for her to have to tell you, which is immature. Or 2.) She is emotionally checking out of your relationship. She is deliberately holding back to frustrate you into breaking up with her, or doesnt want to tell you what the real problem is because she is planning on breaking it off. Only you know if she has been giving hints and you have been ignoring them.
Author nomoretroubles Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 How does she react when you ask a logical question? Does she get defensive or moody? I mostly ask logical questions as I tend to think in that way, and yes she gets defensive, she wants to go away, says she is tired or needs to go to the toilet, etc. Explain to her that you would like to understand her, but you need her to do a little more on her end to verbalize what she needs from you and to explain things in a way that you can understand. Thanks I'll try to put it that way. I did try to tell her that I need her to tell me what's she's unhappy about but I always get the same kind of reaction, like she has some big secret to hide. I don't think she does actually, don't think she cheats on me or something. Maybe you're right and she doesn't know what she wants. We sometime makes plans together, she seems happy with it and so am I to look forward to something together, but a few days later she gives up on it altogether. Sometime she tells me her life was simpler when she was alone. So I don't know what to say to that other than I agree. I told her being alone is always easier, nothing is always easier than something, but then what's the point of it all. Still lost and so disappointed, I thought (maybe still think) I found the right one after so much ****ty relationships but now I don't know.
Philosoraptor Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 She seems immature and probably isn't ready for a serious relationship yet. The thing that makes being single easy is that we are allowed to be as selfish and self absorbed as we'd like to be. There is no compromise and no need to explain ourselves. Once she grows up some she will see how the only way to have any serious relationship is to be able to bend and work at things. I'm willing to gamble that when you have said there are things that she needs to do in the past, or when you explain things to her now, she will get defensive and ask you to do the work. Mine did this very well, yet I allowed it and kept putting in the effort. She actually said one time "we need to talk more". I responded with "ok, well what would you like to talk about". Her response was something to the effect of "you start all of our conversations so you need to start it". When I said I had nothing to talk about at that point she got pissy and started pouting.
Author nomoretroubles Posted February 23, 2012 Author Posted February 23, 2012 We just had another conversation. I tried as much as I could (without being pushy) if there was something she was disappointed about, if I missed some hints and so on, but that didn't go far. Most of what she says revolved around you don't understand me or you don't understand my culture (she is Chinese) but when I ask her to tell me what she'd like me to understand, it's absolute silence. What she said is that she doesn't want to wait ten more years before life is as she liked. So I asked her how we can make our life better, but then again - silence. From her attitude, she knows she's hurting me and sometime seems to feel sorry about it, but that doesn't go any further. We've been together for about a year, lived together for six months, we made all sorts of projects together, and suddenly everything falls apart. It's like I've been the ****tiest boyfriend in the world, like I've spent all my life partying out without her or beating her or something, but actually no. I dumbly cared about her all that time, trying to make it right for both of us. And now it's all gone apparently for no reason.
LZ2000 Posted February 23, 2012 Posted February 23, 2012 (edited) I'm sorry, but it seems that she is stuck in her own little world. And i think there is really nothing you can do about it. But to only leave her alone, and to let her have some space and time to deal with herself. Because if you want to understand her, she needs to talk it out. And if she doesn't talk, what is there to understand ? BTW: I'm a chinese guy in real life. So i roughly know what kind of woman your girlfriend is. The emotionally shy, emotionally bottled kind of girl. Edited February 23, 2012 by LZ2000
Author nomoretroubles Posted February 24, 2012 Author Posted February 24, 2012 I guess you're right, LZ2000. We still live in the same flat and only have one bed so we still have to sleep together. Last night, she kept coming near me, so we hugged and so on, she cried a lot as well, so I thought maybe there's still a chance. So I asked her this morning and she said no, but she kept hugging anyway, etc. Maybe she's just doing that because she's sorry, I don't know. It seems she still loves me and it blows my mind she would throw away all that we have for no clear reasons.
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