I can't stop LC, somebody shoot me :(

[Star Gazer]

I guess I believe that strong human emotions are messy and not so easily controlled.

 

If someone sticks to strict NC, doesn't slip up even once - the simplest and most logical conclusion is that they don't feel those emotions. It makes much more sense than that they somehow have super-human control.

 

Herein lies is a huge, huge lesson that you need to learn about human beings. Are you ready?

 

NOT EVERYONE FEELS THE WAY YOU DO. Not everyone is going to respond the way you will/would if in the same situation. Different people need/want/react differently. He is the perfect example.

[Star Gazer]

I'm now terrified that he sees my texts as stalking The thought hasn't even occurred to me until now.

 

While you previously said you'd made some efforts to contact him that he didn't not respond to at all (and thus contact hasn't really been 1:1 as you've made it out to be), I HIGHLY DOUBT he sees your behavior as stalking.

 

What he probably DOES see your behavior as, however, is confusing, annoying, and desperate.

 

So... STOP. Just stop, full stop.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I also initiated all the arrengamets to cancel our trip to Europe that we have already paid for.

 

Haven't you planned to go on your own?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Haven't you planned to go on your own?

 

Yes, but my best friend said that she wants to go with me if I postpone my trip to the end of the year. I would rather go with her than alone, and she has to finish her masters degree. Thus I canceled my ticket and we will buy new ones.

[Eternal Sunshine]

So day 3 of NC.

 

I am currently on a holiday with my brother and his gf.

 

They are constantly cuddling and currently have their legs intertwined on another couch. I feel

 

I had what they have until few weeks ago. Perhaps holiday with them is not the best idea but tropical location was too much of a draw. It's even raining all the time. So much for that.

 

I don't know who I am anymore. I feel weird even swimming alone. I didn't do anything alone for the past year. I still feel like everything is a bad dream. I don't think I can give up that much of myself for anyone, ever again.

 

All men now look the same to me. I feel nothing for anyone and I can't even get excited about dating.

 

If I knew that he is struggling even a little bit, I would feel better. But I know that he isn't and that he hates me.

[MarkV]

I know how you feel and im in the same situation. I want you to be strong and look at yourself as a person. I went out and bought some new clothes and got a new haircut. This made me feel better about myself and i felt attractive again. I also booked a trip with my friend. I still dont feel like dating so if you are not ready then please dont. If he is not contacting you it is because he is doing it to protect both of you (i have learnt this). The sky is full of emotion. By not contacting him it will show him how mature you are and if there is a chance of getting back together in the future this will stand you in a high postion of being a wise person with no grudges etc.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Yes, I feel slightly stronger and more distant from him with each day of NC.

 

I miss my books (all the best ones) I have left at his place. Taking them now would just set me back - I don't think I can deal with seeing him again.

 

There is a party next weekend at mutual friend's place. We were both invited and I can see that he RSVP-ed. I wanted to go but now that he is going - I don't think it's a good idea. My best friend thinks that I should go and shouldn't just let all my social life fall apart like that. I am probably better off just not going.

[jus d'orange]

You should ultimately be the judge of whether you are ready to see him or not. It sounds like you aren't ready, so you probably shouldn't go. Unless he's at every social event you'd want to go to, I don't think it will destroy your social life. Maybe get in touch with an old friend for that night and meet with them instead? See what's been going on in their life.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling like that whilst on holiday. The first few days of NC/after the BU, things tasted like nothing to me. Even the sunny days seemed gray. Soon this will pass, and you will begin to feel life as it was before. Try to focus on the good feelings around you and don't let the numbness take over. I know it's tough, but you deserve to be happy and have a good life. Fight for yourself and your happiness!

[Eternal Sunshine]

Random thoughts:

 

Just after break up, ex and I made a pact never to tell anyone some of the worse details of our relationship. We have a lot of mutual friends and we didn't want to ruin each other's image. We agreed that we will tell everyone that the break-up was mutual, that we are incompatible in several important areas. That we just weren't happy together anymore and it was for the best if we part.

 

As angry and hurt as I have been, I didn't really break that pact. I was particularly careful with mutual friends. I didn't even tell my best friend the details - only my therapist and my mum truly know (no, I haven't written them on LS either but I have shared quite enough I think). I don't have a clue if he stuck to this himself.

 

Day 4 NC. I never went that long without contact. Being on a holiday helps although I now feel apathy about everything. Apathy has replaced anger and hurt.

 

I have been observing my brother's and his gf's relationship dynamics (they have lived together for over 2 years). Outwardly they have always seemed to have a great relationship. Not everything is what it seems, it never is. I have been learning a lot. There is a lot of value in just "being" together and doing nothing. A day to day peaceful routine. I always felt like I needed to do cartwheels to keep my ex interested. If we had a day of doing nothing but just relaxed on the couch and watched movies, he would complain that he is bored. That we have wasted a whole day. That's not the dynamic that I want to be in again. It's exhausting having to entertain someone all the time.

[Kamille]

It's exhausting having to entertain someone all the time.

 

Yes it is. And unless he was paying you to be his entertainment caretaker, you were not the one in charge of keeping him entertained.

 

If he needed so much excitement, it should be up to him to keep himself entertained. I understand the propensity to want to entertain him in the moment. It likely helped you feel needed. (I think people have mentioned co-dependency in your threads in the past... Wanting to feel needed is a trait people with co-dependency issues share. In my case, I inherited it from growing up with a parent who struggled with depression.)

 

A relationship shouldn't feel like a constant audition. Bottom line is, you shouldn't have to over-exhort yourself to keep a relationship going. You can be loved for being who you are.

 

What this means is that you were fundamentally incompatible. Your needs (for downtime) are important. If a man gets bored with downtime or makes you feel like you constantly have to be "on", consider it a sign of incompatibility. Make sure, in the future, that your partner also likes downtime, or, minimally, understands your need for it.

[vsmini]

I don't think your friends are helping you at all if they're trying to pump up this image that he's so cold for going NC on you. That's what should happen after a breakup. You can call the guy a jerk all you want but you can't blame him for going NC anymore than he can blame you for when you finally get around to NC.

 

NC does not make someone a jerk - it shows that they know a relationship is over and are doing their best to heal. I wanted to hate my ex for pulling off his end of NC with ease - I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself that he was so cold-hearted but in the end it didn't make any difference. He did me a favor by not returning my repeated calls. Don't lose anymore of your dignity. Just go NC and move on as best you can.

[vsmini]

Yes, I feel slightly stronger and more distant from him with each day of NC.

 

I miss my books (all the best ones) I have left at his place. Taking them now would just set me back - I don't think I can deal with seeing him again.

 

There is a party next weekend at mutual friend's place. We were both invited and I can see that he RSVP-ed. I wanted to go but now that he is going - I don't think it's a good idea. My best friend thinks that I should go and shouldn't just let all my social life fall apart like that. I am probably better off just not going.

 

Yes - don't go. Your friend needs to put herself in your shoes. It isn't always as simple as "just go to the party and show him that it doesn't affect you." Because it DOES affect you and there is nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is having to pretend that you aren't upset and this isn't a big deal for you when it is. Going would be a big mistake. Do your best to stay away.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Perhaps I should be grateful for NC from his side. There is no confusion or mixed messages. Just the silence.

 

I have been reading a book by the pool for the last few hours. I would never be able to do this with my ex. He would have gotten annoyed and called me lazy. His idea of a holiday is action packed every hour of every day.

 

I did miss him earlier today. We had very similar tastes in food, movies, music, furniture, apartments. I misstook it for compatibility. My tastes are non main stream and I will probably never meet anyone whose tastes so closely match mine. It just struck me today how much I hate the food that my brother and his gf buy/make. How much I hate their choices in movies and the songs they play. Sigh. I'm not like other people. There are so few that I have anything in common with.

[LSgirl]

I agree with you on the not too many people I know have similar tastes. Me and my ex had somewhat similar taste, we'd see the same shows/concerts, but now that whole music scene is mostly his friends so i will not going to any, don't even want to run into him. I don't watch mainstream tv or pop music, and ideally I would like someone who had the same interests as me, but that's always hard too! I can't even stand to litsen to music because so much of it reminds me of him, we influenced each other, and it's not even day 1 of NC lol hang in there!

[Star Gazer]

I have been observing my brother's and his gf's relationship dynamics (they have lived together for over 2 years). Outwardly they have always seemed to have a great relationship. Not everything is what it seems, it never is. I have been learning a lot. There is a lot of value in just "being" together and doing nothing. A day to day peaceful routine. I always felt like I needed to do cartwheels to keep my ex interested. If we had a day of doing nothing but just relaxed on the couch and watched movies, he would complain that he is bored. That we have wasted a whole day. That's not the dynamic that I want to be in again. It's exhausting having to entertain someone all the time.

 

Fascinating. In time, I think you should go back and read your threads about him and the relationship that still remain/weren't deleted, because you actually complained about the downtime/relaxed time, and essentially said that if it wasn't constantly exciting and passionate, there was something wrong/he didn't love you enough/you didn't like it. He may have been easily bored, but you neeeeeeeded constant excitement within the relationship to feel as though the relationship was worthwhile.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Emotional drama and constant activity/socializing are not the same. He craved the latter. Even if it was just the two of us, he always wanted us to go out or he would feel bored. He told ne this himself. I wanted to chill at home. I ended up doing things with him just to make him happy.

[Eternal Sunshine]

A poster gave me a website link:

 

Baggagereclaim

 

 

I HIGHLY recommend this to everyone. I have been reading the article "100 ways to improve self-esteem" and it really hits home.

[Frank13]

 

If I knew that he is struggling even a little bit, I would feel better. But I know that he isn't and that he hates me.

 

I feel the same way. It's weird that if I knew the ex was struggling or missed me, I would be able to move on better.

 

The fact of the matter is it's over and it shouldn't matter what the ex is up to or how she feels.

 

So lately I have been dealing with the thought that I am really messed up in the head to be struggling because I believe the ex is not. That's messed up.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Frank,

 

I gave my ex the gift of knowledge that I am suffering. It's probably quite an ego boost and just makes it easier to move on from me

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ugh.

 

I feel like I am not seeing things clearly. I don't have a good handle of what I did wrong and what he did wrong. I keep wondering if me doing XYZ made him do XYZ and if I didn't do XYZ would things be different? Would he have loved me forever? I am not even sure who caused what. Who is at fault more, me or him? I know it's both but I want some percentages. Who was more at fault? I know it sounds crazy but I truly am confused and just don't know.

 

In our last conversation he said that he feels he has given it 110% and it wasn't enough. I feel like I have given it 110% and he didn't see it. What is the truth? I feel like I will never know. I hope that once my emotions clear up, I will be able to see things more objectively

[denise_xo]

Ugh.

 

I feel like I am not seeing things clearly. I don't have a good handle of what I did wrong and what he did wrong. I keep wondering if me doing XYZ made him do XYZ and if I didn't do XYZ would things be different? Would he have loved me forever? I am not even sure who caused what. Who is at fault more, me or him? I know it's both but I want some percentages. Who was more at fault? I know it sounds crazy but I truly am confused and just don't know.

 

In our last conversation he said that he feels he has given it 110% and it wasn't enough. I feel like I have given it 110% and he didn't see it. What is the truth? I feel like I will never know. I hope that once my emotions clear up, I will be able to see things more objectively

 

Well, you may both have given it 110%, but that doesn't meant that you are compatible. Rather than it being someone's 'fault', perhaps you simply weren't a good match for the long term?

 

By the way are you seeing that therapist? That's a typical space where it's good to work through those kind of issues.

[denise_xo]

Frank,

 

I gave my ex the gift of knowledge that I am suffering. It's probably quite an ego boost and just makes it easier to move on from me

 

I don't know, ES. Most (normal) people don't get an ego boost out of other people's suffering. If he does, then I say good riddance.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Well, you may both have given it 110%, but that doesn't meant that you are compatible. Rather than it being someone's 'fault', perhaps you simply weren't a good match for the long term?

 

By the way are you seeing that therapist? That's a typical space where it's good to work through those kind of issues.

 

I am not sure if the therapist I started seeing is a good match for me. She tends to paint him as the bad guy and tells me that I did nothing wrong. While this is comforting, I don't quite feel that it's the truth. I will perhaps see few other options before committing to one therapist.

 

I do think that you are right. We just weren't compatible long term. We had many superficial compatibilities but not where it really matters. Our conflict resolution was poor. We both over-analyzed and would just add oil to the fire and kept the conflicts escalating. He would pick apart every word I said and I did the same with him.

[denise_xo]

I am not sure if the therapist I started seeing is a good match for me. She tends to paint him as the bad guy and tells me that I did nothing wrong. While this is comforting, I don't quite feel that it's the truth. I will perhaps see few other options before committing to one therapist.

 

I do think that you are right. We just weren't compatible long term. We had many superficial compatibilities but not where it really matters. Our conflict resolution was poor. We both over-analyzed and would just add oil to the fire and kept the conflicts escalating. He would pick apart every word I said and I did the same with him.

 

Sounds like you already have a pretty good picture of the dynamics that were detrimental for you both. That's a good take away.

 

If the therapist isn't really working for you, I'd just ask to see a different one. Therapy can be extremely useful if you have the right match (at least IME), but if it's not the right person it can be a bit of a waste of time (if not damaging). I think such centers are used to people requesting to change, and it's in everyone's interest that the 'match' is optimal.

[Mack05]

We just weren't compatible long term. We had many superficial compatibilities but not where it really matters.

 

Our conflict resolution was poor. We both over-analyzed and would just add oil to the fire and kept the conflicts escalating. He would pick apart every word I said and I did the same with him.

 

This is classic incompatibility. But Eternal at least you recognise the signs. Everytime you are close to breaking NC just read those lines back to yourself.