Girls fatter than online pics

[PlumPrincess]

This has happened to me before.

 

I usually just sit and have a coffee with them.

 

Look, I get that some people get hugely bent out of shape about this, but as the poster said .. She was an awesome person.

 

I find that kind of behaviour cowardly and self interested myself. If you're upset about her photo, call her on it. But just running out on the date? Not my style. I'm better than that.

You sound like a really nice person. Why did you not get upset? And what were her reasons for putting up pictures where she weighed a lot less?

 

I try not to waste people's time and I expect them to do the same. When someone puts up pictures where they look better than they do now, then I feel they're taking advantage of me and my usual trust in people's sincerity, which means, I will take the necessary steps to protect myself from further manipulation.

[lospantalonsfancie]

Opposite of what?

 

I think she meant that she was frequently told that she looks exactly like her pictures. Unless shes been told so sarcastically, I find it hard to believe.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

A very tough lesson to learn. But this is the truth. Well said DY.

 

Thanks OpenBook.

[lospantalonsfancie]

Oh wow. I guess I didn't realize that you had met her face to face before you split. How soon after you bailed did you send the text?

 

It took 6 minutes from when I left to when I sent the text (from txt logs). It took me a few minutes to decide whether to leave, then i drove away, then I pulled over as soon as I found a safe spot to text her (safety first!).

Edited February 25, 2012 by lospantalonsfancie

[ffw]

I think she meant that she was frequently told that she looks exactly like her pictures. Unless shes been told so sarcastically, I find it hard to believe.

 

Are you sure it was her pictures?

[florence of suburbia]

I have to comment on Breal's statement that the OP "didn't owe anything to a stranger he finds repulsive."

 

It is easy to be kind to a loved one or someone you find attractive. The whole reason society has a moral code is to guide your behavior when you're not feeling the love.

 

A first date is a complete crapshoot. If you're not willing to risk any money or time on it, set up future meetings at a coffee shop with free parking.

[Ross MwcFan]

It was her own fault since she totally lied about how she looked.

 

But to be honest, if I were to date a girl who I thought was skinny or average, and she turned out to be curvy on the date I'd think I've hit the jackpot.

[lospantalonsfancie]

Are you sure it was her pictures?

 

I'm not sure, but then again I'm very bad at connecting faces. From my conversations with her, as well as her fairly calm response to my text after I left, she really seemed too sane to actually be posting pictures of someone else. One of my biggest regrets about walking away from that date is the possibility of figuring out what was going on in this person's head.

[lospantalonsfancie]

Disenchantedly yours, I agree with almost everything you said. If I was perfect, I would have stayed and treated her well. But, I am a human being with flaws, my life is very demanding and difficult, and there's a limit to the amount of time and emotional energy I have to accommodate other people's problems and feelings. The overwhelming vast majority of the time, I go out of my way to treat people well; much better on average than they treat me. This case, however, was one where I was stretched beyond my limits, and I just couldn't do it. All she had to do was be honest about who she is, but she had lower standards for her behavior, which in the current context of my life resulted in me lowering my standards of behavior just this once. Do I feel bad? Yes I do. But I think I did the best I could.

 

Lospantalonsfancie, you're making up excuses. Look, seriously, I get it. You were not attracted to her. No one here is telling you that you should have been. However she is still a human being. She lied about her looks. She didn't steal your car, or kill your brother, or make fun of your mom or anything else truly egregious. She simply lied about her looks. Or she simply sees herself how she was in those old pictures and doesn't realize how much she has infact changed.

 

But here is the thing, you are going to meet a lot of people in this world. They are going to do a lot of things. And at the end of the day, all you got to hold onto is how *you* as a human being act. How *you* as a human being treat other people. When someone cuts me off on the road, I can curse him out and give them the finger or I can calm the bleep down and go on my way. What someone else does to you does not justify your own behavior. Please re-read that sentence. What someone else does to you does not justify your own behavior. This is a mistake people often make. They are not able to seperate their own actions and choices from those they feel justify their own actions and choices.

 

I think you know what you did was messed up. Otherwise you wouldn't have posted about it. Neither would you have the feelings of guilt you have. People, for the most part, feel guility when something they did is at odds with their personal code of ethics.

 

You have two options here everytime you meet someone. You can give someone a good experience for having known you and have that person walk away thinking you're a decent guy, (EVEN if you never want to see that person again. EVEN if they didn't do right by you.) Or you can give that person a bad experience. You gave this girl a bad experience. And yes, she gave you one too. But she isn't here asking for opinions. You are. And you decided to treat this girl with a lack of respect. The measure of any person is not how people treat them but how they treat other people. No matter what that person does to you.

 

 

 

Here is the thing OP, people that actually feel embarrassed to be out in public with other people that socially aren't considered attractive actually lack self confidence in themselves and base their worth on the looks of the company they keep. This is on you. This is something enternal inside you. Now I am not saying the girl you went out on a date with is a secure person or that she didn't do something wrong. But again, she isn't here asking for opinions. You are. You didn't feel embarreassed to be with her because of anyway she looked. You felt embarressed to be with her because of your own insecurity.

 

It looks to me like you and this girl both acted on your insecurities, you have something in common with her to be honest.

 

Men that pride themselves on the company they keep are looking for external validation through other people. That is purely based out of insecurity. I have dated men that aren't the best looking and I have never been "embarressed" to be out with them. I am certainly no beauty queen myself.

 

 

 

 

From reading your posts, I think there is a lot you need to work out within yourself. Perhaps you should pay more attention to your own choices and actions in this situation, independent of hers, to figure that out. And ask yourself at the end of the day, what kind of man you want to be.

[PlumPrincess]

I wonder if people defend her, because the OP mentioned her looks, therefore he gets labeled as superficial and rude. Has someone noticed that she lied? I do not believe that people are so oblivious about their weight gains. Everybody knows - put up recent pictures and if you want to use old pictures, make a check that you really haven't that changed much or make it clear that these are old pictures. Her reply to his text message suggests that she either has a psychological problem where she is in complete denial about her looks or she continued lying to him. I kind of think she was deliberately lying.

 

I guess, the OP could have behaved a bit better, i.e. tell her that he didn't think the pictures were accurate and that he prefered to cancel the date, because even when she wasted his time, with just a bit effort he could have avoided doing the same to her. I do not believe though that he has any obligation to sit through a date with her when she lied to him.

[boaaaar]

People who lie from the very beginning are quite something to avoid. OP don't feel horrible for not staying, she was willing to frustrate you at your first date so yeah : deceit and lack of consideration for the feelings of other, absolute red flags. I bet you just walked away from somebody who had trick up her sleeve to make you feel even worse if you tried to desist later on.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Disenchantedly yours, I agree with almost everything you said. If I was perfect, I would have stayed and treated her well. But, I am a human being with flaws, my life is very demanding and difficult, and there's a limit to the amount of time and emotional energy I have to accommodate other people's problems and feelings. The overwhelming vast majority of the time, I go out of my way to treat people well; much better on average than they treat me. This case, however, was one where I was stretched beyond my limits, and I just couldn't do it. All she had to do was be honest about who she is, but she had lower standards for her behavior, which in the current context of my life resulted in me lowering my standards of behavior just this once. Do I feel bad? Yes I do. But I think I did the best I could.

 

If she was honest about who she was would you have still given her a shot?

 

I think you are still blaming her for how you decided to act and justifying it because it was "just this once". You really need to get away from that. This can be a significant learning experience for you. And not in terms of how some women are awful liars and they are really just fat and ugly, but in terms of the humanity of people, yourself included. None of us are

perfect human beings. I don't think you are a bad person at all. But just like you aren't a perfect human being, clearly either is this girl. Perhaps next time you can extend some of that idea about not being perfect and understand that about other people and applying that to how you treat others. Sometimes you got to think about why people do things. Why do people lie? In most cases, people lie because they are afraid of not be accepted. Guys that lie about the number of women they slept with and brag to their guys? They are afraid of not being accepted. Men that lie about their incomes or age online? They are afraid of not being accepted. Women that tell their husbands that they didn't go shopping when they did, and then when he asks her when she got that "outfit", she tells him that she always had it, they are afraid of not being accepted. Doesn't make it right and I don't advocate lying to people but I do understand why people do it.

 

Look, there are a lot of reasons people put pictures of them that might be old or misrepresentitive of who they are. They are insecure. They want to be given a chance. They want to find someone special but they know that they might not be the hottest monkey in the kingdom. I'm not saying that misrepresentiing yourself is right. But it is pretty human. I doubt you told her all the things about yourself that would make you unattractive to her that go beyond the phyiscal. I bet there are many things about you that aren't perfect and would have the potential to make you unattractive to a woman, your own flaws. We all got them. Do you think I tell guys off the bat that I am sometimes over sensitive and moody? Um no. But I am over sensitive and moody sometimes.

 

I am pretty sure all of us feel demands and difficulties in our personal lives. But just because I had a fight with my boyfriend and I am stretched emotionally, doesn't justify me ripping into my male co-worker or whatever.

 

Look, no one here thinks you're a horrible person. But I think you ironically got more in common with this girl you stood up then you even like to think.

 

And I think you got a learning experience here for yourself. And not one that has anything to do with the girl that didn't do right by you.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I wonder if people defend her, because the OP mentioned her looks, therefore he gets labeled as superficial and rude. Has someone noticed that she lied? I do not believe that people are so oblivious about their weight gains. Everybody knows - put up recent pictures and if you want to use old pictures, make a check that you really haven't that changed much or make it clear that these are old pictures. Her reply to his text message suggests that she either has a psychological problem where she is in complete denial about her looks or she continued lying to him. I kind of think she was deliberately lying.

 

I guess, the OP could have behaved a bit better, i.e. tell her that he didn't think the pictures were accurate and that he prefered to cancel the date, because even when she wasted his time, with just a bit effort he could have avoided doing the same to her. I do not believe though that he has any obligation to sit through a date with her when she lied to him.

 

I am not ignoring what the girl did as wrong. But she isn't here asking for advice and opinions. He is. So I am just giving it to him straight up on his side. He and this girl have a lot in common. They both acted out of insecurity. But how he acts shouldn't be dependent on another person. Just because someone cuts me off on the road doesn't make it okay for me to respond in anger and flip him off. That is wrong too.

 

And I do think people can be unaware, on purpose, without knowing it, that they might look how they once did. They might think they only put on a little weight and that it's not that bad when it really is. Self perception is so much more complicated sometimes. There is a way we want to see ourselves and then there is the way we really are.

[FitChick]

I do think people can be unaware, on purpose, without knowing it, that they might look how they once did. They might think they only put on a little weight and that it's not that bad when it really is.

 

I don't buy that excuse. When I gain five pounds, which is my limit, my clothes become very uncomfortable to wear. I hate shopping for clothes so I just lose the weight. Someone who gains significantly more weight is either a nudist or is out buying bigger and bigger clothes to accommodate their bulging girth.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I don't buy that excuse. When I gain five pounds, which is my limit, my clothes become very uncomfortable to wear. I hate shopping for clothes so I just lose the weight. Someone who gains significantly more weight is either a nudist or is out buying bigger and bigger clothes to accommodate their bulging girth.

 

Well FitChick, I think it's pretty clear by your name and your comment above that you are very aware of your body. Not everyone is like that. And some people lie to themselves about where they are. When my father got really sick and eventually passed away, I had put on some weight. I knew I had but it wasn't until I saw picture of me that was taken on someone's camara phone of me smoking a cigar with my dad's best friend after the funneral, that I realized just how much weight I had put on. I tend to shop alot and for a while I was wearing a lot of dresses and yoga pants and leggings with boots. For one thing, my own weight wasn't top on my mind during that time, for another, I think I lied a bit to myself and just wore different clothes to accomdate my weight without it actually making me feel fatter. I knew I had gained some weight, but actually seeing it on the camera phone put it in perspective. So yes, it's possible not to be aware of yourself for a vast amount of reasons.

 

So if you want to critisize me for that, you can. My weight has always been a struggle for me and It's always taken alotof effort to maintain it. I don't even eat that much. But I am petite so it tends to look like a lot more on me that it would be someone taller. Not everyone is naturally thin either.

[boaaaar]

He and this girl have a lot in common. They both acted out of insecurity.

He acted out of insecurity ? I'm not sure I'm following you there

[Oxy Moronovich]

And I do think people can be unaware, on purpose, without knowing it, that they might look how they once did.

 

I don't buy that excuse. When I gain five pounds, which is my limit, my clothes become very uncomfortable to wear. I hate shopping for clothes so I just lose the weight. Someone who gains significantly more weight is either a nudist or is out buying bigger and bigger clothes to accommodate their bulging girth.

I agree with FitChick. It's difficult to be unaware you've put on significant weight. Being unable to zip up your pants and unbutton your shirt is the clearest indicator of this. If it is possible a person cannot tell their weight, then they are in extreme denial. You shouldn't get into a relationship with a person with such an extreme form of denial. They are unable and/or unwilling to see their own faults. Such a person is bad relationship material.

 

Folks are getting mad at the OP for ditching. They are basically saying he should have stayed, lied to her, and given her a pity date out of "courtesy". Who cares? The end result will be the same: he won't go on more dates with her. So why waste time?

[ascendotum]

He acted out of insecurity ? I'm not sure I'm following you there

I think it relates to his comments that he could not be seen in public with this fat woman. I understand his motivation for leaving (being decieved + she was not attractive) but thats pretty extreme.

 

 

I agree with FitChick. It's difficult to be unaware you've put on significant weight. Being unable to zip up your pants and unbutton your shirt is the clearest indicator of this. If it is possible a person cannot tell their weight, then they are in extreme denial. You shouldn't get into a relationship with a person with such an extreme form of denial. They are unable and/or unwilling to see their own faults. Such a person is bad relationship material.

I totally agree. I reckon there's a lot of people out there who are in denial. Edited February 26, 2012 by ascendotum

[verhrzn]

I agree with FitChick. It's difficult to be unaware you've put on significant weight. Being unable to zip up your pants and unbutton your shirt is the clearest indicator of this. If it is possible a person cannot tell their weight, then they are in extreme denial. You shouldn't get into a relationship with a person with such an extreme form of denial. They are unable and/or unwilling to see their own faults. Such a person is bad relationship material.

 

That would be true if the woman in question put on a huge amount of weight. But according to the OP, it was 30, maybe 40 pounds? Depending on where on her body she carries the weight and her general frame, her clothes actually might not have fit all that different. Or she might have only gone up a single size, not enough for her to think "Oh my gosh I've turned into a whale!"

 

I can wear my same size clothes ranging anywhere from 115 to 130 pounds, and a 15 pound difference on a 5' probably looks much more drastic than it would on a taller woman who is naturally more full.

 

It's ALSO possible the woman just photographs well. I know that sounds crazy, but some people are naturally photogenic, to the point where weight isn't as obvious. To the woman, she sees her photos, she sees her reflection, it all looks the same to her; it would take a stranger to see the discrepancy that everyone else around her has gotten used to.

 

Has no one on this board met someone in real life that didn't really resemble their pictures? Did you immediately accuse THEM of lying??

Edited February 26, 2012 by verhrzn

[Oxy Moronovich]

That would be true if the woman in question put on a huge amount of weight. But according to the OP, it was 30, maybe 40 pounds? Depending on where on her body she carries the weight and her general frame, her clothes actually might not have fit all that different. Or she might have only gone up a single size, not enough for her to think "Oh my gosh I've turned into a whale!"

 

I can wear my same size clothes ranging anywhere from 115 to 130 pounds, and a 15 pound difference on a 5' probably looks much more drastic than it would on a taller woman who is naturally more full.

 

It's ALSO possible the woman just photographs well. I know that sounds crazy, but some people are naturally photogenic, to the point where weight isn't as obvious. To the woman, she sees her photos, she sees her reflection, it all looks the same to her; it would take a stranger to see the discrepancy that everyone else around her has gotten used to.

 

Has no one on this board met someone in real life that didn't really resemble their pictures? Did you immediately accuse THEM of lying??

You obviously missed this post by the OP pages back:

 

Third, she wasn't just large. Her face also looked completely different and much much less attractive. I think her teeth were also somehow less straight than they were in her pics, though I'm not positive. It was hard to believe that she was the same person as in those pictures! I suppose it is possible that she put on weight at all the wrong places in her face such that the end result was a very unattractive face in place of the original, attractive face, though I couldn't quite convince myself of that at a gut level. Given that I found her weight and her face both deceptive and repulsive, I admit that one reason I left was because I would have felt too embarrassed to be seen publicly with someone like that. I know that's not a nice thing to say, but its true. Another reason is that I was too emotionally distressed by the bait and switch that I would have felt very uncomfortable throughout the date, and I didn't want to put myself through that.

 

 

From his description, it's obvious she isn't photogenic.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I agree with FitChick. It's difficult to be unaware you've put on significant weight. Being unable to zip up your pants and unbutton your shirt is the clearest indicator of this. If it is possible a person cannot tell their weight, then they are in extreme denial. You shouldn't get into a relationship with a person with such an extreme form of denial. They are unable and/or unwilling to see their own faults. Such a person is bad relationship material.

 

Folks are getting mad at the OP for ditching. They are basically saying he should have stayed, lied to her, and given her a pity date out of "courtesy". Who cares? The end result will be the same: he won't go on more dates with her. So why waste time?

 

Yes, my inability to see how much weight I had actually gained was a form of denial. I had so much other stuff going on at that time that my weight was last on my list. However, this didn't negate my over all complete ability to see my faults as a human being. I still could function in society and in relationships in a healthy way despite how I denied the weight I had gained. Despite my inability to realize how much weight I gained, I was strong and emotionally there for my family going through all that stuff with my dad. Things are simply not as black and white as you are claiming. I was not "bad" relationship material because of that. The reality is that probably ALL of us, mis-judge ourselves in some way. Whether we think we are better then we are or worse then we really are.

 

I am not mad at the OP. What I am saying is that yes, he should have stayed. And instead of it turning into a "pity date", take the approach that this person was human, just like him, and that he could appreciate the present moment and honor his own commitment and just sit down for a drink because he DID like her personality. How she acted is not a justification for how he acted. If she was here instead of him asking for advice, she'd be getting the same advice from me. That she would need to look at her own behavior independent of how he acted. But she isn't here looking for advice. He is.

 

Sitting down for an hour for drinks with someone is hardly a big enough "waste of time" that it's going to destory his life.

[Oxy Moronovich]

Yes, my inability to see how much weight I had actually gained was a form of denial. I had so much other stuff going on at that time that my weight was last on my list. However, this didn't negate my over all complete ability to see my faults as a human being. I still could function in society and in relationships in a healthy way despite how I denied the weight I had gained. Despite my inability to realize how much weight I gained, I was strong and emotionally there for my family going through all that stuff with my dad. Things are simply not as black and white as you are claiming. I was not "bad" relationship material because of that. The reality is that probably ALL of us, mis-judge ourselves in some way. Whether we think we are better then we are or worse then we really are.

 

I am not mad at the OP. What I am saying is that yes, he should have stayed. And instead of it turning into a "pity date", take the approach that this person was human, just like him, and that he could appreciate the present moment and honor his own commitment and just sit down for a drink because he DID like her personality. How she acted is not a justification for how he acted. If she was here instead of him asking for advice, she'd be getting the same advice from me. That she would need to look at her own behavior independent of how he acted. But she isn't here looking for advice. He is.

 

Sitting down for an hour for drinks with someone is hardly a big enough "waste of time" that it's going to destory his life.

I still disagree. Your talking about relationships with family members. I'm talking about relationships amongst lovers and strangers. The family relationships are different from other relationships. Family members always act differently toward a person than non-family. Fact. As a result, a loving family is liable to gloss over a member's faults, even the most glaring ones. They act as if nothing has changed. As a result, the family member doesn't see any faults with their behavior.

 

Strangers have a different viewpoint. Dates are not a committment. He didn't commit to the date anymore than she committed to having sex with him after the date. He liked her personality but didn't feel attraction to her. Maybe her personality was as false as her pictures. It may not destroy his life to be have a drink with her, but it didn't make him feel better.

[FitChick]

To avoid situations like this in the future, I suggest everyone bring a camera with them on their first date. If the person looks nothing like the photo in their profile, take their picture and offer to email it to them so they can have a current photo posted online. No more excuses!

[mixwell]

Lospantalonsfancie, you're making up excuses. Look, seriously, I get it. You were not attracted to her. No one here is telling you that you should have been. However she is still a human being. She lied about her looks. She didn't steal your car, or kill your brother, or make fun of your mom or anything else truly egregious. She simply lied about her looks. Or she simply sees herself how she was in those old pictures and doesn't realize how much she has infact changed.

 

But here is the thing, you are going to meet a lot of people in this world. They are going to do a lot of things. And at the end of the day, all you got to hold onto is how *you* as a human being act. How *you* as a human being treat other people. When someone cuts me off on the road, I can curse him out and give them the finger or I can calm the bleep down and go on my way. What someone else does to you does not justify your own behavior. Please re-read that sentence. What someone else does to you does not justify your own behavior. This is a mistake people often make. They are not able to seperate their own actions and choices from those they feel justify their own actions and choices.

 

I think you know what you did was messed up. Otherwise you wouldn't have posted about it. Neither would you have the feelings of guilt you have. People, for the most part, feel guility when something they did is at odds with their personal code of ethics.

 

You have two options here everytime you meet someone. You can give someone a good experience for having known you and have that person walk away thinking you're a decent guy, (EVEN if you never want to see that person again. EVEN if they didn't do right by you.) Or you can give that person a bad experience. You gave this girl a bad experience. And yes, she gave you one too. But she isn't here asking for opinions. You are. And you decided to treat this girl with a lack of respect. The measure of any person is not how people treat them but how they treat other people. No matter what that person does to you.

 

 

 

Here is the thing OP, people that actually feel embarrassed to be out in public with other people that socially aren't considered attractive actually lack self confidence in themselves and base their worth on the looks of the company they keep. This is on you. This is something enternal inside you. Now I am not saying the girl you went out on a date with is a secure person or that she didn't do something wrong. But again, she isn't here asking for opinions. You are. You didn't feel embarreassed to be with her because of anyway she looked. You felt embarressed to be with her because of your own insecurity.

 

It looks to me like you and this girl both acted on your insecurities, you have something in common with her to be honest.

 

Men that pride themselves on the company they keep are looking for external validation through other people. That is purely based out of insecurity. I have dated men that aren't the best looking and I have never been "embarressed" to be out with them. I am certainly no beauty queen myself.

 

 

 

 

From reading your posts, I think there is a lot you need to work out within yourself. Perhaps you should pay more attention to your own choices and actions in this situation, independent of hers, to figure that out. And ask yourself at the end of the day, what kind of man you want to be.

 

 

Not to sound like an arse but I think you're over complicating the scenario. He wanted to meet a female in person who he thought looked like her actual photos but didn't. I don't know if id have drove off but bottom line is she deceived him into thinking she was more attractive from pictures than she was.. I don't buy the BS of "she simply sees herself how she was in those old pictures"... Sorry I have to call BS.. I know what i looked like a few years ago and how much of a fat ass I am now. I don't compare myself from what I was to what I am... That's just a weak excuse...

 

I don't want to bust on your theory but bottom line is that some chick showed older, more attractive pix of herself when she knew she didn't look like that currently.. There is no BS "Oh I thought I still looked the same way" she knew damn well and I don't feel sorry for her..

 

Did the OP act like an arsehole? I personally don't think so.. I may sound harsh but if some chick out right lied to me I'd have no sympathy for her... She knows what she was doing.. Don't play the naive/ignorant part.. she posted older pictures to attract men when she knows she's a ****ing cow now... sorry but she was acting deceptive no reason or excuse around it..

[xxoo]

just sit down for a drink because he DID like her personality.

 

Seeing that someone posted misleading pictures about herself reveals new, disconcerting information about her personality, too.

 

I guess the take home lesson is, when meeting for the first time--be prepared for surprises!