Girls fatter than online pics

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm not defending lying old fatties. I think ES summed it up best - two wrongs don't make a right.

 

I try to maintain my standard for how I conduct myself even when faced with difficult situations and people who are NOT doing that themselves. I fail a lot, but I do try.

[florence of suburbia]

It's ironic that people go looking for love with such an unforgiving, unloving attitude. It isn't easy to put yourself out there. The poor girl was putting her best self forward...the picture she thought represented her at her best. So shoot her.

 

 

She failed to think it through obviously and that put you in an awkward situation. That's all it was. Awkward. It wasn't the end of the world for you. If anything she hurt herself more than you in the end, since she set herself up for rejection.

 

In a broader sense, I find it scary that all of you are so literal. People do and say things that aren't the literal truth but reflect a different truth. People also do and say things in the moment that they don't mean. That they may regret later. Please don't judge people so harshly and be generous with your second chances. I know this is sappy but what most people want in this world is love. Remember that when you're out looking for it.

 

Not saying you should have dated her, just treated her with respect.

 

(Oh and by the way I'm 5 ft 5 and 135 pounds in case any of you who don't understand empathy think I must be fat in order to imagine what she's going through).

Edited February 26, 2012 by florence of suburbia

[Oxy Moronovich]

Again, why is this so deceitful when makeup that will completely change your look, pushup bras, slim suits etc are all considered acceptable?! I don't think what she did was right if she was aware of what she was doing (I still really doubt she did it on purpose), but all of you are so quick to call her a liar which is a little unfair considering we all do our best to cover up our flaws.

 

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours."

 

This is a nice point. I was gonna say something to counter, but I'll let it go.

 

So it looks like he had two polite ways to let her down:

 

1. He sees her, is turned off by her, but spends time with her to be polite. Like I asked before, how many women wanna spend a date with a man who secretly finds her so repulsive he wants to run away, but is only continuing the date to be polite?

 

2. He sees her, is turned off by her, and politely walks up to her and cancels the date. Sure, this is less harsh than running away. Nevertheless, isn't this just as devasting?

[Mme. Chaucer]

This is a nice point. I was gonna say something to counter, but I'll let it go.

 

So it looks like he had two polite ways to let her down:

 

1. He sees her, is turned off by her, but spends time with her to be polite. Like I asked before, how many women wanna spend a date with a man who secretly finds her so repulsive he wants to run away, but is only continuing the date to be polite?

 

2. He sees her, is turned off by her, and politely walks up to her and cancels the date. Sure, this is less harsh than running away. Nevertheless, isn't this just as devasting?

 

Honestly, and forgive the cliche, but "life is a journey." I have had some of the most memorable experiences when I have least expected them. And being kind, or on the receiving end of kindness, can be a very powerful thing.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

What kind of logic is that? The commitment was given under different terms. When the terms change, the commitment is gone. When you buy something from the internet and it turns out that the pictures of the object were wrong and you received something that you didn't want, do you proceed with the deal or do you cancel it?

 

Or what if your date claims to be 20 and then turns out to be 40, is there still an obligation to continue with the date?

 

I think many women here are just siding with the girl, because the OP had an issue with her weight.

 

I've been out with guys that lied about their looks, age, income. Some of the guys WERE actually pretty decent guys. A few, I did date. Others, I was not interested at all. But regardless, I gave them time and respect because that's who I want to be. Independent of who they are. It comes down to how you want to treat other people and the kind of person you want to be.

 

I know I am not a perfect person. I have lied. I have put up my best features first on online dating profiles. I don't really talk about all the negatives that come with me. And there are negatives. And I bet if everyone here was honest with themselves, they would be able to admit that maybe they never lied about the way they look but they certain lied about other things. Or they completely omitted things until they hooked someone in. How is that any different? its not.

 

I keep asking people if they never lied. People keep ignoring that question. You want to know why PlumPrincess? Because everyone lies about something to someone at some time. How can I act like I am better then soemone else who does the same thing?

 

And as I said a few times now, if the girl was hear asking for advice, I'd be telling her the same things about. That her actionds are indepedent from him, that she shouldn't haved lied. That she needs to work on her own insecurity.

 

I certainly don't think he has to be attracted to her or continue to see her. I just think that since he is the one asking for advice, that he is the one getting it. And I think he could have done a better job of treating another human being.

[Shaun-Dro]

I'm not saying they should date or have a relationship with this person who misrepresented themselves. I'm saying they should be able to be civil at least for a brief 15 minute date, have a little empathy for what that person is probably going through in OLD, and then leave it at that. No need to be mean to a person or feel you can't sacrifice 15 minutes of your life for someone that was so eager to meet you. Is that really so much to ask? 15 minutes to spare a person's feelings and not humiliate them in public by ditching them middle of the date. Just keep the date short, problem solved.

 

While I agree that misrepresenting yourself online is a definite no-no, the other party doesn't owe it to stick out a brief date with "said" person. It would be nice and generous if they did let the date continue even though they were unhappy with who they saw, but no way are they obligated to do it.

 

This has happened to me once when online dating was as easy as finding a person of interest in a Romance Chatroom. That, sadly, is no more. The young lady I chatted with made her business to inform me that she was very attractive, curvy, and light-skinned.

 

Let me state this: I never told her that's what I was looking for, but she assumed that most guys desired it anyway, so she went ahead with it.

 

When we met, about a week later, she was anything but that. What did I do? I chatted with her for about 10 minutes then I excused myself, letting her know that it was nice meeting you, and walked away. There had been no further communication after that and I felt no guilt whatsover.

 

The OP could've done that, sure, but he didn't. Breals could be generous enough to do it too, but she wouldn't. To each their own.

 

Just remember this: when a person is blatantly deceived, they can react and take it any which way they perceive fit. While most may or may not agree with this, it's still every person's right to do what "they" deem as an appropriate cause of action and shouldn't be condemned either way.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

There is just a lot of emphasis on the demonic FAT in this whole thread and in general.

 

Yeah, I think this is just because she was fat.

 

I dare one person here to claim they never lied or presented themselves the best they could and maybe souped themselves up at some point to someone to make a good impression.

 

Doesn't matter if it's about looks, personality or abilities.

[Big Joey]

I can usually get a feeling from a girl if she is fat. I met a woman once who I knew was slightly thicker than average, but when we met she was a little bit more than her pics implied. We met (I was pretty drunk) and had a couple drinks, and when she invited me home I politely declined.

 

I would much prefer a girl to be slightly thicker than "too skinny", but when it verges on fatness and the girl hides it, it shows insecurity on her part... and the insecurity is less attractive than the fat itself.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Originally Posted by Breals

I think the women who find the OP's deplorable probably have had weight issues and hence the attack on him. I've never had weight issues and thus it's not an issue for me; I'm very confident with my looks. There's nothing wrong with rejecting people due to their looks; it's an important critera.

 

LOL, well no one said that the OP was "deplorable", only that he made a mistake in their eyes. And some men have also chimed in who thought the OP was wrong too. Second, no one is attacking him. No one called him names. No one said he was a bad guy. He opened up this discussion. He wanted opinions.

 

There IS nothing wrong with rejecting people due to their looks for romantic relationships. There is something wrong with treating people poorly because of their looks. Especially when the OP knew he liked her personality at the very least.

 

Breals

I noticed that women with weight problems always seem to be the most upset about guys who are more superficial plus they always get in such an uproar about porn and "ideal beauty standards" such as Megan Fox etc. All they are doing is projecting their own insecurity and issues in other people's topics.

 

I don't have this issue; I am a woman who is confident, attractive and no weight issues. Hence, I am not all sensitive and "politically correct" about it. People have the right to be as picky and discriminating as they want. It's only the ones who aren't considered attractive enough by society who always have a chip on their shoulder and are always fighting for the underdog.

 

Way to take a cheap shot Breal! You're always talking about how better you are then other people. Guess your not above cheap shots.

 

No one is "fighting for the underdog". No one said he had to date her. Only treat her like a human being.

 

By the way, I do have insecurities. But I also see something wrong in our culture about beauty standards. I am a multi-faceted and intelligent human being is intelligently capable of managing these both. I also work out 5 days a week and have a petite build. So please cease with your cheap shots and your repetitive information about previous topics and attempting to use them as ammo in this topic.

 

 

 

Bingo. I think many of the posters who take the most issue to what I did are women who have had weight problems, so I am taking their highly subjective opinions with a grain of salt. Look, I get it, I've had weight problems in the past myself, so I'm willing to forgive the same in others up to a point. However, my weight problems were of the 10lbs variety, not the 40-50lbs variety, so I find it hard to sympathize too much with someone who allowed things to get that severe and then refused to own up to it or be honest about it.

 

I think what many of the posters fail to realize is that it is also hurtful for me to have to sit through a date after such deceit, particularly with someone who I don't find attractive, and who I don't "see myself with." Yes, my self esteem is not perfect, and I would like to think that I only go out on dates with people who are honest and attractive. Doing otherwise would distress me, even though it would be the kind and selfless thing to do. In this case, I felt that I wanted to spare myself the distress.

 

How honest are you with your dates about yourself? You're lack of confidence for example? Are there things you've kept to yourself or completely omit from your online dating profile to attract the kind of woman you want? I am sure there is. I am sure that you aren't completely honest about all yoru flaws. Flaws apply to more then just looks.

[verhrzn]

Yeah, I think this is just because she was fat.

 

I dare one person here to claim they never lied or presented themselves the best they could and maybe souped themselves up at some point to someone to make a good impression.

 

Doesn't matter if it's about looks, personality or abilities.

 

I put myself as "average" or "curvy." But since guys apparently have a problem with "curvy" being a nice way of saying "fat," I suppose my only option is to put myself as morbidly obese and call myself a cow, or be ditched at a restaurant for being a disgusting liar.

 

Geez, women that society labels as "unattractive" really cannot win.

[J322Y]

I put myself as "average" or "curvy." But since guys apparently have a problem with "curvy" being a nice way of saying "fat," I suppose my only option is to put myself as morbidly obese and call myself a cow, or be ditched at a restaurant for being a disgusting liar.

 

Geez, women that society labels as "unattractive" really cannot win.

 

I don't understand, why not just put up photos that accurately show your body type? I've been told I look just like my photos, and I think that saves everyone a lot of trouble in the long run.

[verhrzn]

I don't understand, why not just put up photos that accurately show your body type? I've been told I look just like my photos, and I think that saves everyone a lot of trouble in the long run.

 

Because I don't think I look anything like my photos. I've been told I look "chubby" in my photos, while in real life, guys label me as a fat land whale. Photos are SO deceptive, even when the person doesn't mean them to be. Lighting, clothing, body posture... all of these can successfully conceal a surprising amount of body weight, and sometimes it isn't obvious to the person whose photos they are unless they obsess over them.

 

People's perception of themselves and other people can be weird, that's all there is to it.

[mesmerized]

This thread now reminds me of my date last night. The guy in his profile stated how much he cares about working out in and cares about women doing the same and that he doesn't like women lying about their body type. Now I'm not big girl nor did I misrepresent myself but when on our date and thanks to this thread I felt a bit insecure. When we were sitting next to each other and flirting he was touching my arms and hips saying he likes some meat on women and at one point he was like look at your belly, its cute. I think he was the one who misrepresented himself lol

[gaius]

I remember when I was big and fat there were a few girls who were incredibly nice to me even though they didn't have to be. They even risked personal embarrassment to themselves by hanging around me! I'm sure their female rivals started insinuating they were doing things with an undesirable behind their backs. I try to pass on that kindness on dates and everywhere else cause let's be honest, Disenchantedly is right! We all bullsh*t or outright lie about certain things and being a little overweight is not a big fib in the overall scheme of things.

 

You might even have a new friend at the end of the night if you stick around. One who might lose weight and become more of your type somewhere in the future. Never hurts to have options!

[PlumPrincess]

I've been out with guys that lied about their looks, age, income. Some of the guys WERE actually pretty decent guys. A few, I did date. Others, I was not interested at all. But regardless, I gave them time and respect because that's who I want to be. Independent of who they are. It comes down to how you want to treat other people and the kind of person you want to be.

 

I know I am not a perfect person. I have lied. I have put up my best features first on online dating profiles. I don't really talk about all the negatives that come with me. And there are negatives. And I bet if everyone here was honest with themselves, they would be able to admit that maybe they never lied about the way they look but they certain lied about other things. Or they completely omitted things until they hooked someone in. How is that any different? its not.

 

I keep asking people if they never lied. People keep ignoring that question. You want to know why PlumPrincess? Because everyone lies about something to someone at some time. How can I act like I am better then soemone else who does the same thing?

 

And as I said a few times now, if the girl was hear asking for advice, I'd be telling her the same things about. That her actionds are indepedent from him, that she shouldn't haved lied. That she needs to work on her own insecurity.

 

I certainly don't think he has to be attracted to her or continue to see her. I just think that since he is the one asking for advice, that he is the one getting it. And I think he could have done a better job of treating another human being.

Looks are important to a lot of people. Putting up pictures that are totally different to how you look in real life is a big fat lie and it's not the same as presenting yourself in your best light.

[ascendotum]

This thread now reminds me of my date last night. The guy in his profile stated how much he cares about working out in and cares about women doing the same and that he doesn't like women lying about their body type. Now I'm not big girl nor did I misrepresent myself but when on our date and thanks to this thread I felt a bit insecure. When we were sitting next to each other and flirting he was touching my arms and hips saying he likes some meat on women and at one point he was like look at your belly, its cute. I think he was the one who misrepresented himself lol

 

Yeah he did....but only kind off. I guess he liked what he saw, though in his profile/pre-date chat he did not say he wanted the woman to have a tight & lithesome body, he just said someone who works out. Well we can assume what he meant by 'working out' but it leaves it open to interpretation. There's a stack of women in my gym who do an aerobics class or stroll on the treadmills who are over weight. A term like 'Fit ' also leaves it open to interpreation. Walking the dog 3 nights a week in the park, can make someone consider themselves 'fit' + excercise regulary, but still not look it. So to me your situation is not so B&W like the OPs.

[Oxy Moronovich]

I remember when I was big and fat there were a few girls who were incredibly nice to me even though they didn't have to be. They even risked personal embarrassment to themselves by hanging around me! I'm sure their female rivals started insinuating they were doing things with an undesirable behind their backs. I try to pass on that kindness on dates and everywhere else cause let's be honest, Disenchantedly is right! We all bullsh*t or outright lie about certain things and being a little overweight is not a big fib in the overall scheme of things.

 

You might even have a new friend at the end of the night if you stick around. One who might lose weight and become more of your type somewhere in the future. Never hurts to have options!

Disenchantedly Yours' reasoning is ridiculous. She posted this comment:

 

I dare one person here to claim they never lied or presented themselves the best they could and maybe souped themselves up at some point to someone to make a good impression.

 

She's basically saying because no one has the right to judge anyone for lying since we're all liars. Wow. Brilliant logic.

 

Fine. Let's get off the whole lying thing. The heart of the matter is the OP walked in, saw his date, and was not attracted to her in the least. Aside from running away, he had two options: he could pretend to like a woman he finds repulsive; or he could walk up to her, cancel the date, and walked out. Neither of these options would be any less bad for her than running away.

 

And gaius, sticking around with a person you don't find attractive doesn't appeal to most people. It may have worked for your female friends. But many of us don't wanna friendzone people like that.

[mesmerized]

Yeah he did....but only kind off. I guess he liked what he saw, though in his profile/pre-date chat he did not say he wanted the woman to have a tight & lithesome body, he just said someone who works out. Well we can assume what he meant by 'working out' but it leaves it open to interpretation. There's a stack of women in my gym who do an aerobics class or stroll on the treadmills who are over weight. A term like 'Fit ' also leaves it open to interpreation. Walking the dog 3 nights a week in the park, can make someone consider themselves 'fit' + excercise regulary, but still not look it. So to me your situation is not so B&W like the OPs.

 

Yeah, it wasn't like the OP mainly because I was honest in my profile. My post was more directed at another poster who said curvy means no guy is going to like you. Even guys who are gym rats can like meat on their women as long as you have a nice shape. You don't really have to be all "fit" and have the tightest body to be attractive.

 

As far as the OP's situation, I think it highly depends on how bad she misrepresented herself. Was she really THAT much bigger? like if she was obese and she put a slim girl's pics up then shame on her. I don't think OP did anything wrong in that case. But if it was like 20 pounds heavier than her pics, I would at least sit and have a coffee with her.

[J322Y]

Because I don't think I look anything like my photos. I've been told I look "chubby" in my photos, while in real life, guys label me as a fat land whale. Photos are SO deceptive, even when the person doesn't mean them to be. Lighting, clothing, body posture... all of these can successfully conceal a surprising amount of body weight, and sometimes it isn't obvious to the person whose photos they are unless they obsess over them.

 

People's perception of themselves and other people can be weird, that's all there is to it.

 

That sounds like a cop out. I took about 100 photos of myself and asked my sister to help me proof them so I had a mostly objective person as a guide. She knew my goal was to post pics that really looked like me and she did a good job because I've been told that mine do. I don't think spending a lot of time with your photos is "obsessing", I think it's being responsible to others and kind to yourself in the long run.

[Oxy Moronovich]

As far as the OP's situation, I think it highly depends on how bad she misrepresented herself. Was she really THAT much bigger? like if she was obese and she put a slim girl's pics up then shame on her. I don't think OP did anything wrong in that case. But if it was like 20 pounds heavier than her pics, I would at least sit and have a coffee with her.

Her exact weight isn't the main thing. The main thing is the OP wasn't attracted to her at all. In fact, he found her repulsive. Posters like Disenchantedly Yours have chastized the OP for running away. But DY and other posters haven't given him other suggestions. Why chastize the guy when you can't tell him a better way to behave?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Looks are important to a lot of people. Putting up pictures that are totally different to how you look in real life is a big fat lie and it's not the same as presenting yourself in your best light.

 

Seriously, you have not read anything I've said.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

]Oxy Moronovich

She's basically saying because no one has the right to judge anyone for lying since we're all liars. Wow. Brilliant logic.

 

LOL, what's wrong with that logic? Come on, I want to hear you actually tell me what is wrong with that logic.

 

Am I saying he had to be attracted to her or date her? No.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Her exact weight isn't the main thing. The main thing is the OP wasn't attracted to her at all. In fact, he found her repulsive. Posters like Disenchantedly Yours have chastized the OP for running away. But DY and other posters haven't given him other suggestions. Why chastize the guy when you can't tell him a better way to behave?

 

Actually, I was pretty clear about what I thought he should have done. I'm not sure what you are talking about here.

[gaius]

Disenchantedly Yours' reasoning is ridiculous. She posted this comment:

 

 

 

She's basically saying because no one has the right to judge anyone for lying since we're all liars. Wow. Brilliant logic.

 

Fine. Let's get off the whole lying thing. The heart of the matter is the OP walked in, saw his date, and was not attracted to her in the least. Aside from running away, he had two options: he could pretend to like a woman he finds repulsive; or he could walk up to her, cancel the date, and walked out. Neither of these options would be any less bad for her than running away.

 

And gaius, sticking around with a person you don't find attractive doesn't appeal to most people. It may have worked for your female friends. But many of us don't wanna friendzone people like that.

You must have developed skills to deal with people you find repulsive in regular daily life no? Or do you run away to another line every time you see an overweight or ugly cashier at the grocery store? I think this is really about people not wanting to be perceived as dating someone who they consider beneath them. Sitting there through the whole coffee wondering about what the person at the next table might be thinking, ahahahaha he's dating a fatty! It's a legitimate viewpoint, but I do think it's funny that people in the thread are complaining about the fat person lying while they are lying themselves about the real reason they don't want to stay.

[Oxy Moronovich]

Actually, I was pretty clear about what I thought he should have done. I'm not sure what you are talking about here.

Honestly, I've looked back to try to find it. And I can't find you stating anywhere what you think the OP should have done instead of running away. Can you tell me what he should have done instead of running away?

 

You must have developed skills to deal with people you find repulsive in regular daily life no? Or do you run away to another line every time you see an overweight or ugly cashier at the grocery store? I think this is really about people not wanting to be perceived as dating someone who they consider beneath them. Sitting there through the whole coffee wondering about what the person at the next table might be thinking, ahahahaha he's dating a fatty! It's a legitimate viewpoint, but I do think it's funny that people in the thread are complaining about the fat person lying while they are lying themselves about the real reason they don't want to stay.

All right. Let's forget the lying part for a minute. The point is the OP wasn't attracted to her. I deal with a lot of people I don't find attractive. But I don't date them. I do not look at them as current or potential lovers. If I viewed them as lovers, then my behavior toward them would change: I'd flirt with them; compliment their looks; express interest; make plans to see them more often; tell them why I like them; and do other romantic things with them.

 

I don't see why you have a difficult time understanding the OP's viewpoint. He's not attracted to her. Why fake it? Should he friendzone her while he waits months, perhaps years for her to (probably) loss weight? Preposterous.