Girls fatter than online pics

[Emilia]

Somewhere along the line some overweight/obese folks got the idea that if they post misleading pictures & engage in lengthy email & phone contacts that prospective dates from an OLD site will magically overlook their overweight/ obese bodies because of their winning personalities.

 

All the more reason to insist on meeting someone in real time very quickly & dropping those people who stall or drag their feet.

 

+1. There is nothing more annoying than finding out you invested ANY amount of time in someone who is insecure or just plain stupid enough to try to mislead you.

 

As I said before some guy tried to guilt me into meeting up with him after I got suspicious of his photos. He told me I was shallow if I cared that much about his looks. I told him I'd rather be shallow than an insecure liar.

[Emilia]

Umm, I am not trying to shame you for anything. Only pointing out that everyone lies. Ultimately, each individual will decide what is harmful to them to lie about. But just because you haven't lied on your online dating profiles, doesn't mean you don't ever lie. Right?

 

Not all lies are the same because I don't care about everything equally. Small lies about how many relationship he had or how much he earns or anything that I don't find significant I don't care about. Looks, whether he has kids, other things that matter to me I will care about yes.

 

So yes it is subjective, won't deny that.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I didn't say any of those things about better or worse.

 

I said it would alarm me if the first impression I got was a revealed lie. If it would not alarm you, ok. But it would alarm me.

 

 

It's fine if it is not something you "like". But to me, you seemed to be suggesting that someone that lied was incapable of being healthy or incapable of having healthy relationships. Which is strange to say, especially if you admit that you also lie. I am sure that you lying, wasn't always indicative that you coudln't have healthy relationships. Lying might not be healthy for a relationship, but lying alone doesn't make someone automatically mentally unhealthy.

[Emilia]

I suppose if someone repeatedly lies about something that everyone else can work out straight away to be untrue (ie about their appearance) you sort of have to question their social skills and mental health.

[soserious1]

Umm, I am not trying to shame you for anything. Only pointing out that everyone lies. Ultimately, each individual will decide what is harmful to them to lie about. But just because you haven't lied on your online dating profiles, doesn't mean you don't ever lie. Right?

 

Sorry but the subject of this thread involves the lie of posting pictures on OLD sites that grossly misrepresent a person's appearance & that's the subject I'm responding to, stay on topic please.

 

If we meet somebody in real time life we can quickly judge if they are physically attractive enough for us to decide that we wish to get to know them better or if we wish to simply walk on by.We simply refrain from making or responding to overtures from people we aren't attracted to, No harm no foul.

 

 

Pictures on an OLD site serve the purpose of letting us take that glimpse, they help us to decide if we wish to invest time and/or money in pursuing a relationship. Not updating your pictures after significant changes in your appearance is misleading, in some cases so much so that it's clearly a flat out

lie, calculated to draw respondents in hopes that maybe, after weeks or months of correspondence that somebody will be so taken with the person's "winning" personality that they'll overlook the fact that the relationship was begun based on a lie.

 

I give people slack on OLD sites, I look at pics and assume that the weight could be plus or minus 10 pounds as the camera often makes people look heavier than they actually are, I also assume that age might be fudged plus or minus 5 years or that height might be a 1-2 inch difference. However, if i show up to meet you & my jaw drops to the floor because you look so different than the pics you've posted in your profile, then IMHO you've clearly grossly misrepresented yourself & I want nothing further to do with you.

 

If I were a young man, with a limited budget for dating there's no way I'd pay out the nose for parking & drinks to sit there for 2 hours with a woman who looked so different from her profile pics that I was embarrassed to be seen sitting with her.

 

Expecting somebody to to sit around for 2 hours & foot the bill for an evening with somebody who physically repulses them simply to be "polite" is unreasonable. To say nothing of having to deal with the problem of the follow up email or texts that are probably going to be involved in getting rid of this person in a "nice" way.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I suppose if someone repeatedly lies about something that everyone else can work out straight away to be untrue (ie about their appearance) you sort of have to question their social skills and mental health.

 

That's right. Keep telling yourself that your lies are better then other people's lies.

 

I think some people think that if they lie about their appreance, that once that person is out on a date with them, they will like them for them. Clearly it doesn't work that way but they are looking more for being giving a chance then anything else.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Sorry but the subject of this thread involves the lie of posting pictures on OLD sites that grossly misrepresent a person's appearance & that's the subject I'm responding to, stay on topic please.

 

 

Which to me says, yes you know that you have, at some point, at some time, lied to make things better or easier for yourself.

 

I am not demanding you like or date people that lie to you about anything. I am only pointing out that we all do it. And when we recongnize the humanity in ourselves and in each other, we deal with problems differently.

[Emilia]

That's right. Keep telling yourself that your lies are better then other people's lies.

 

I think some people think that if they lie about their appreance, that once that person is out on a date with them, they will like them for them. Clearly it doesn't work that way but they are looking more for being giving a chance then anything else.

 

I'm not saying my lies are better than other people's lies, it's just that they are not pitiful obvious ones.

 

Yes that's why they lie and because they don't get this simple concept (that usually it doesn't work) I question their mental process.

[J322Y]

Which to me says, yes you know that you have, at some point, at some time, lied to make things better or easier for yourself.

 

I am not demanding you like or date people that lie to you about anything. I am only pointing out that we all do it. And when we recongnize the humanity in ourselves and in each other, we deal with problems differently.

 

 

Easy question; do you want prospective dates to know your body shape before meeting you or not?

 

If the answer is yes, then I'm certain you can achieve this goal through thoughtful use of modern photography techniques and a brief statement in your profile if there's any doubt.

 

If the answer is no, you don't want dates to know until they meet you, then please stop belaboring this issue and move forward with your deception without trying to rationalize it on a forum.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I'm not saying my lies are better than other people's lies, it's just that they are not pitiful obvious ones.

 

Yes that's why they lie and because they don't get this simple concept (that usually it doesn't work) I question their mental process.

 

So lies are okay if they are not obvious ones? I just want to understand what lies are acceptable and what aren't. I actually think the ones that are not as obvious have more of a chance of being harmful and egregious then the ones that are obvious. Which might actually make someone that makes a less obvious lie even more deceitful and manipulative and could be less mentally healthy in their own right considering how much deceit goes into making a lie that is not as obvious. Such as the husband or wife that lies about where they been..."OH I was just with the girls for a drink..." or "I just went to do some cardio at the gym"..when they were really out bleeping another person.

 

At the end of the day, no one really loosing anything when someone lies about their looks. Sure it's not right, it is annoying and you might techniqually loose an hour of your time. But they aren't really doing anything specifically to hurt you emotionally or physically. Most of the lying is acutally probably going to cause the liar more pay then the person they are lying to when it comes to OLD and pictures.

[zengirl]

Sure, I've lied in certain situations.

 

And I would lie in this situation, making up a reason that I "need to go".

 

It isn't about whether or not people lie. It is about a first impression being "omg, he lied. Why the heck did he lie about something so obvious? What the heck is going on here???"

 

DY: This. I don't think anyone likes being lied to, ever. But that's not the only thing wrong with this.

 

And in xxoo's "I'd lie to say I need to go" scenario she's not caring what the other person likes, but the person from OLD who posts the wrong pic or describes themselves blatantly incorrectly is not only lying but being absolutely absurd and setting themselves up for rejection and the other person up for anger, hurt, and frustration. Lying about something as obvious as how you look---frankly, I even used to mention if my hair length had significantly changed---is not more 'wrong' than other major lies (and it is a major lie, not the same as a white lie to make a surprise party or make someone feel better or something, but a major, self-serving, intense lie) but it is more stupid. Because it's going to be immediately obvious.

 

The one time I was on an OLD with someone who clearly had lied, I met him, I confronted him (he admitted it), and then I left. Unlike XXOO, I wouldn't make up a lie because I wouldn't give that person the satisfaction of doing so. They don't deserve it.

[boaaaar]

It's fine if it is not something you "like". But to me, you seemed to be suggesting that someone that lied was incapable of being healthy or incapable of having healthy relationships. Which is strange to say, especially if you admit that you also lie. I am sure that you lying, wasn't always indicative that you coudln't have healthy relationships. Lying might not be healthy for a relationship, but lying alone doesn't make someone automatically mentally unhealthy.

There _might_ be other reasons for lying or posting misleading pics, granted. But dating is not a judicial trial and walking away from a date is not like awarding a death sentence. We don't have to know for 100% sure that she deliberately lied or that she's incapable of forming a healthy relationship. This is not a court trial where it's better to let a guilty person escape than make an innocent suffer, it's his personal life and it's his right to go with better safe than sorry. Disasters can happen real quick when you try too hard being a gentleman to unsafe people.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Easy question; do you want prospective dates to know your body shape before meeting you or not?

 

If the answer is yes, then I'm certain you can achieve this goal through thoughtful use of modern photography techniques and a brief statement in your profile if there's any doubt.

 

If the answer is no, you don't want dates to know until they meet you, then please stop belaboring this issue and move forward with your deception without trying to rationalize it on a forum.

 

Well since I said millions of times that yes, lying about your looks is wrong, I'm not sure wht your getting at. I am only saying that when we see the humanity in ourselves and are honest about it, honest about our own personal faults, we treat other people differently. That doesn't mean you have to like or date this person. But people make difference choices when they see the humanity in other people and themselves.

[J322Y]

Well since I said millions of times that yes, lying about your looks is wrong, I'm not sure wht your getting at. I am only saying that when we see the humanity in ourselves and are honest about it, honest about our own personal faults, we treat other people differently. That doesn't mean you have to like or date this person. But people make difference choices when they see the humanity in other people and themselves.

 

So you do want prospective dates to know your shape?

[boaaaar]

At the end of the day, no one really loosing anything when someone lies about their looks. Sure it's not right, it is annoying and you might techniqually loose an hour of your time. But they aren't really doing anything specifically to hurt you emotionally or physically. Most of the lying is acutally probably going to cause the liar more pay then the person they are lying to when it comes to OLD and pictures.

This is so wrong. Many people are preying on targets who lack the assertiveness to stand for themselves and say no when they should say no. If you let these people have their way, expect to be treated with no respect or what so ever. Since she probably knew the guy wouldn't want to date her as she looks, there would be probably only one way the woman could expect anything : The guy couldn't say no.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

So you do want prospective dates to know your shape?

 

Are you serious? That's what you took away from my comment? I'm scratching my head. Did you read my comment at all?

 

I wanted men to know alot of things about me online dating, looks and personality included. That doesn't mean I was completley upfront about my bad traits though.

 

I said a million times, that lying about your looks wasn't right.

 

That this man doesn't have to like or date this person.

 

But how he treated her was wrong too.

 

And how any one person chooses to behave is completely independent from what other people do or how they act. It comes down to what kind of person you want to be. And that if this girl was here asking for advice, she would be getting it in relation to how she acted. But she isn't here, this guy is.

 

I also said that when it comes to OLD, some people may lie about their looks and others might lie about what kind of person they really are to present themselves in the best light. But obviously lying about your looks is more obvious. How many men and women here that have done online dating have been completely undisclosed about their pluses and negatives on their profiles? I know i haven't. I don't tell men, when I OLD, that I am sometimes sensitive and moody. I tell them that I'm a pretty happy person. Which I am but that is souping up the final product a bit. Because I often have other emotions too. And I think if everyone here was honest, they would admit they do something simliar in regards to whatever trait about themselves they know isn't the most flattering. They might outright lie about it, or avoid talking about it all together. And just because a lie is less obvious, doesn't make it "better" or more "healthy".

[soserious1]

Which to me says, yes you know that you have, at some point, at some time, lied to make things better or easier for yourself.

 

I am not demanding you like or date people that lie to you about anything. I am only pointing out that we all do it. And when we recongnize the humanity in ourselves and in each other, we deal with problems differently.

 

Once again, the subject of THIS thread involves the correct response to someone who's lied by posting a grossly misleading picture of themselves on an OLD site. I am saying that if a person "lies" to me by posting really misleading pics of themselves, we won't be discovering what else anybody wants to lie about because the relationship will come to a screeching halt the minute I lay eyes on them.

 

Please stay on topic!

Edited February 28, 2012 by soserious1

[Els]

....Didn't the OP say that he regretted doing what he did? I think that pretty much settles the thread, no?

[soserious1]

....Didn't the OP say that he regretted doing what he did? I think that pretty much settles the thread, no?

 

I think the OP was kind of bullied & shamed into saying that. Personally I give him three cheers for his response. If everybody simply turned & walked away from people who post seriously misleading pics of themselves on OLD sites, I bet a lot of profiles would be updated in a hurry.

[radiodarcy]

something like this happened with me. i accepted a date with a guy who turned out to look nothing like the photos he posted on his profile - - which were either 10 years old or of a very close male relative.

 

he claimed he was a personal trainer but admitted that he himself hadn't been working all that often; which was apparent as he was at least 40 pounds overweight.

 

was i disappointed? of course. but i held up my end of the bargain and stayed for coffee -- which i bought for myself - - then left. sure i could have bailed but then wouldn't that have made me look just as bad as someone who posted inaccurate pictures of themselves?

[soserious1]

something like this happened with me. i accepted a date with a guy who turned out to look nothing like the photos he posted on his profile - - which were either 10 years old or of a very close male relative.

 

he claimed he was a personal trainer but admitted that he himself hadn't been working all that often; which was apparent as he was at least 40 pounds overweight.

 

was i disappointed? of course. but i held up my end of the bargain and stayed for coffee -- which i bought for myself - - then left. sure i could have bailed but then wouldn't that have made me look just as bad as someone who posted inaccurate pictures of themselves?

 

Not in my opinion it wouldn't! He pulled a major bait & switch and was rewarded by having you sit there paying for coffee to listen to his pitch.

[xxoo]

It's fine if it is not something you "like". But to me, you seemed to be suggesting that someone that lied was incapable of being healthy or incapable of having healthy relationships. Which is strange to say, especially if you admit that you also lie. .

 

It isn't something I don't "like". It is something that would make me wonder if the person is mentally sound. I used "alarm" to mean that my gut would be telling me "no", and to leave.

 

I didn't suggest that anyone who lies in any situation is unhealthy. I'd argue that it is healthy to tell a kind lie to get out of an unsafe situation quickly and safely.

 

I am suggesting that a person who lies to get a first date, about things that will be revealed as lies on first sight, probably has some issue.

 

Now, we all have issues. Some of us have more serious issues than others. MOST of us can make it through a first date without putting our issues on display. Those of us who can not--get red flagged.

[verhrzn]

DY: This. I don't think anyone likes being lied to, ever. But that's not the only thing wrong with this.

 

And in xxoo's "I'd lie to say I need to go" scenario she's not caring what the other person likes, but the person from OLD who posts the wrong pic or describes themselves blatantly incorrectly is not only lying but being absolutely absurd and setting themselves up for rejection and the other person up for anger, hurt, and frustration. Lying about something as obvious as how you look---frankly, I even used to mention if my hair length had significantly changed---is not more 'wrong' than other major lies (and it is a major lie, not the same as a white lie to make a surprise party or make someone feel better or something, but a major, self-serving, intense lie) but it is more stupid. Because it's going to be immediately obvious.

 

The one time I was on an OLD with someone who clearly had lied, I met him, I confronted him (he admitted it), and then I left. Unlike XXOO, I wouldn't make up a lie because I wouldn't give that person the satisfaction of doing so. They don't deserve it.

 

I still don't understand why it isn't possible that the girl WASN'T DELIBERATELY LYING.

 

I've said it over and over... I look very different than my pictures, not just in weight, but skin color, body structure, face shape, etc. I am not purposefully trying to mislead people, but really, what can you do when perhaps you just don't photograph honestly (explains why some people are photogenic and others aren't.)

 

Does the fact that I don't look like my photos mean I'm either a liar, or "delusional" about reality? Um, no, it means I just photograph weird.

 

People keep focusing on the woman "lying" and how it's such an "obvious" lie. Maybe the weight gain is obvious to a stranger, but it might not be to her (or her friends.) So she thinks she IS portraying herself accurately. For example, my weight can flux up to 10 pounds and my friends don't see a difference, but strangers and acquaintances who don't see me often see a HUGE difference.

 

Furthermore it's possible that the OP saw a "huge" change in her weight because that's a topic he's very sensitive to. If the girl had long hair, and she showed up to the date with short hair, would he have fled from the restaurant and taken to the Internet to bemoan an OLD "deceiving" him? Probably not. We, each of us, have priorities about appearances. To the woman, 10 pounds, 30 pounds, 50 pounds, would not have made a difference to how she sees herself (isn't that what they call confidence?) But to this guy, ANY gain weight that is noticeable would have been a deal breaker.

 

I just don't understand the rush to condemn this poor woman as a liar, or to label her as unable to have healthy relationships.

 

Now, we all have issues. Some of us have more serious issues than others. MOST of us can make it through a first date without putting our issues on display. Those of us who can not--get red flagged.

 

But that's kind of the unfair thing.... If you have issues with weight (or, more accurately, OTHER people have issues with YOUR weight) and general unattractiveness, you have no choice BUT to deal with that issue on a first date. So, being fat means you automatically get red-flagged.

 

Or let's say someone is honest about their weight. "Hey world, I'm fat!" Then they get told that they're not acting "confidently." I mean, if I put in my profile that I'm very physically unattractive, and never got any responses, y'all would chide me for putting my insecurity on display. "Guys like personality!" you'd say," Be confident and let him get to know you!"

 

So as an ugly/fat person, what are my choices? Be honest/insecure, or put my best foot forward and be confident? (Which could easily be misconstrued as lying?)

Edited February 28, 2012 by verhrzn

[xxoo]

But that's kind of the unfair thing.... If you have issues with weight (or, more accurately, OTHER people have issues with YOUR weight) and general unattractiveness, you have no choice BUT to deal with that issue on a first date. So, being fat means you automatically get red-flagged.

 

Being fat was not the issue I was referring to.

 

Healthy people come in many shapes and sizes. And different people are attracted to different shapes and sizes.

 

Obesity probably indicates an underlying issue, but should be obvious from photos. And, yes, it would be a reason that many people decide not to meet. It would also be a reason that many people would turn them down if they had met in person. It is what it is.

 

And you are not fat and ugly. Sorry to burst your bubble

[Engadget]

Like I said I'm on the other side of the fence. For example, there's this girl that wanted me in high school and was very thin back then.

 

Now? She's probably 50-100lbs heavier and I find her very attractive, where before I didn't at all.