Girls fatter than online pics

[Nightsky]

Like I said I'm on the other side of the fence. For example, there's this girl that wanted me in high school and was very thin back then.

 

Now? She's probably 50-100lbs heavier and I find her very attractive, where before I didn't at all.

 

Ahh so girls are skinnier than their online pics for you.

[FitChick]

Now? She's probably 50-100lbs heavier and I find her very attractive, where before I didn't at all.

 

Just goes to show there is someone for everybody so you have nothing to lose by posting clear, current photos. There are several dating websites for obese people. I don't understand why more obese people don't post profiles there where they'd have a much better chance of finding someone who likess them for how they look now. Common sense.

[serial muse]

I think the OP was kind of bullied & shamed into saying that. Personally I give him three cheers for his response. If everybody simply turned & walked away from people who post seriously misleading pics of themselves on OLD sites, I bet a lot of profiles would be updated in a hurry.

 

Well, not really - he said that right after he left he texted to apologize, long before he asked for comments from the Loveshack peanut gallery. So that suggests he knew right away it wasn't a nice thing to do and he felt bad about it.

 

The OP asked a while back whether it isn't just as cruel to say "you're not what I was expecting" as it is to just bolt. I'm sure not everyone will agree with me, but I actually think that people do prefer to be confronted face-to-face, on the whole. So I would say yes, IMO, it's less cruel to sit down with her for five minutes and explain that you feel upset that she misrepresented herself.

 

But you know, that said, I really do understand why the OP simply didn't want to deal with that confrontation - I mean, yeah, it was a crappy thing to do, but Lord knows it happens. I've certainly chickened out of doing things or confronting someone and felt bad about it later. And people misrepresent themselves on their profiles all the time. Doesn't make them criminals, but it also doesn't enhance their overall attractiveness, and thus is counter-productive in the end.

 

I don't think anybody is a terrible human being in this scenario. It's sad that she didn't show who she is now, for whatever reason (meaning, whether she understands she doesn't resemble her pics or not). It's sad that he didn't feel brave enough to stay and say to her, "I'm disappointed, and I feel you misrepresented yourself" to her face rather than through a text. But we're all guilty of being both foolish and fearful a lot of the time.

[Engadget]

Just goes to show there is someone for everybody so you have nothing to lose by posting clear, current photos. There are several dating websites for obese people. I don't understand why more obese people don't post profiles there where they'd have a much better chance of finding someone who likess them for how they look now. Common sense.

 

Yep, but society and shame keeps them from doing it. Fat girls usually only post face shots. Posting old pictures isn't bad per se, but you should include new ones.

[soserious1]

I still don't understand why it isn't possible that the girl WASN'T DELIBERATELY LYING.

 

I've said it over and over... I look very different than my pictures, not just in weight, but skin color, body structure, face shape, etc. I am not purposefully trying to mislead people, but really, what can you do when perhaps you just don't photograph honestly (explains why some people are photogenic and others aren't.)

 

Does the fact that I don't look like my photos mean I'm either a liar, or "delusional" about reality? Um, no, it means I just photograph weird.

 

People keep focusing on the woman "lying" and how it's such an "obvious" lie. Maybe the weight gain is obvious to a stranger, but it might not be to her (or her friends.) So she thinks she IS portraying herself accurately. For example, my weight can flux up to 10 pounds and my friends don't see a difference, but strangers and acquaintances who don't see me often see a HUGE difference.

 

Furthermore it's possible that the OP saw a "huge" change in her weight because that's a topic he's very sensitive to. If the girl had long hair, and she showed up to the date with short hair, would he have fled from the restaurant and taken to the Internet to bemoan an OLD "deceiving" him? Probably not. We, each of us, have priorities about appearances. To the woman, 10 pounds, 30 pounds, 50 pounds, would not have made a difference to how she sees herself (isn't that what they call confidence?) But to this guy, ANY gain weight that is noticeable would have been a deal breaker.

 

I just don't understand the rush to condemn this poor woman as a liar, or to label her as unable to have healthy relationships.

 

 

 

But that's kind of the unfair thing.... If you have issues with weight (or, more accurately, OTHER people have issues with YOUR weight) and general unattractiveness, you have no choice BUT to deal with that issue on a first date. So, being fat means you automatically get red-flagged.

 

Or let's say someone is honest about their weight. "Hey world, I'm fat!" Then they get told that they're not acting "confidently." I mean, if I put in my profile that I'm very physically unattractive, and never got any responses, y'all would chide me for putting my insecurity on display. "Guys like personality!" you'd say," Be confident and let him get to know you!"

 

So as an ugly/fat person, what are my choices? Be honest/insecure, or put my best foot forward and be confident? (Which could easily be misconstrued as lying?)

 

If people in your real time life frequently tell you that you look much heavier & unattractive in real life than you do in your pictures, then perhaps you need to stop choosing to put your very best pics in your profile & go with submitting what you feel are your worst pictures.

 

Btw, since few of us ever live up to our absolute best pics, it's not a bad idea to skip posting them or perhaps to just include them along with an average pic and a "bad day " pic so potential dates can see the range of how you might look.

[zengirl]

If people in your real time life frequently tell you that you look much heavier & unattractive in real life than you do in your pictures, then perhaps you need to stop choosing to put your very best pics in your profile & go with submitting what you feel are your worst pictures.

 

Btw, since few of us ever live up to our absolute best pics, it's not a bad idea to skip posting them or perhaps to just include them along with an average pic and a "bad day " pic so potential dates can see the range of how you might look.

 

I always had a pic in my profile (back when I had one) where I had no makeup on. I had 2, I think when hubby saw my profile: one kinda chillin' around the house and one where I was hiking. I also had some 'better' photos. I think putting a range of photos is a good idea.

[verhrzn]

If people in your real time life frequently tell you that you look much heavier & unattractive in real life than you do in your pictures, then perhaps you need to stop choosing to put your very best pics in your profile & go with submitting what you feel are your worst pictures.

 

Btw, since few of us ever live up to our absolute best pics, it's not a bad idea to skip posting them or perhaps to just include them along with an average pic and a "bad day " pic so potential dates can see the range of how you might look.

 

No, no, it's not that my photos make me look attractive per say. They just make me look... different. Like, a different person. It's kind of strange, and the more people get used to me, the more desensitized they are to the differences. Which makes picking out "accurate" photos of myself really difficult, because I and my close friends aren't as aware of the differences that a stranger might pick up.

 

Yes, you can put up your "bad" photos... and then never get a response. That is the double edged sword of "being honest." Dating is SUPPOSED to be about putting your best foot forward, portraying the very best version of yourself... there is a bit of showmanship and slight-of-hand in all OLD profiles. Yet, since it's the ugly/fat who are the most obvious, they are the ones who take the brunt of the "You're a liar!" judgment and punishment.

 

Wouldn't it be SOOO much easier if people just stopped treating OLD as a consumerist market ("This product doesn't look anything like the picture!") and more as what it ACTUALLY is... a blind-date mechanism in which people might, potentially, be kinda-sorta lying, but are STILL deserving of respect and decency. I think a lot more people would try OLD if they knew the community had a sense of compassion and perspective ("Oh my GOD, I had to sit down and have coffee with a FATTIE!") instead of the judgmental meat market it's coming across as.

[soserious1]

No, no, it's not that my photos make me look attractive per say. They just make me look... different. Like, a different person. It's kind of strange, and the more people get used to me, the more desensitized they are to the differences. Which makes picking out "accurate" photos of myself really difficult, because I and my close friends aren't as aware of the differences that a stranger might pick up.

 

Yes, you can put up your "bad" photos... and then never get a response. That is the double edged sword of "being honest." Dating is SUPPOSED to be about putting your best foot forward, portraying the very best version of yourself... there is a bit of showmanship and slight-of-hand in all OLD profiles. Yet, since it's the ugly/fat who are the most obvious, they are the ones who take the brunt of the "You're a liar!" judgment and punishment.

 

Wouldn't it be SOOO much easier if people just stopped treating OLD as a consumerist market ("This product doesn't look anything like the picture!") and more as what it ACTUALLY is... a blind-date mechanism in which people might, potentially, be kinda-sorta lying, but are STILL deserving of respect and decency. I think a lot more people would try OLD if they knew the community had a sense of compassion and perspective ("Oh my GOD, I had to sit down and have coffee with a FATTIE!") instead of the judgmental meat market it's coming across as.

 

Sorry but OLD is a tool for quickly sorting through a large number of prospective dates, I'm not interested in spending time or money dating an obese person, I rely on the pics posted to filter such people out of my selection pool.

[xxoo]

something like this happened with me. i accepted a date with a guy who turned out to look nothing like the photos he posted on his profile - - which were either 10 years old or of a very close male relative.

 

he claimed he was a personal trainer but admitted that he himself hadn't been working all that often; which was apparent as he was at least 40 pounds overweight.

 

was i disappointed? of course. but i held up my end of the bargain and stayed for coffee -- which i bought for myself - - then left. sure i could have bailed but then wouldn't that have made me look just as bad as someone who posted inaccurate pictures of themselves?

 

No, it doesn't make you just as bad, if his deception made you uncomfortable.

 

If you felt ok sitting with him, and didn't get any "alarm" feeling from the deception, then that is one thing. If it was just disappointment, and not feeling tricked and wondering what kind person he really is, then stay.

 

But, imo, it is a mistake for a person (esp a woman) to ignore that inner feeling of alarm because she is worried about looking unkind, or rude.

[J322Y]

No, no, it's not that my photos make me look attractive per say. They just make me look... different. Like, a different person. It's kind of strange, and the more people get used to me, the more desensitized they are to the differences. Which makes picking out "accurate" photos of myself really difficult, because I and my close friends aren't as aware of the differences that a stranger might pick up.

 

Yes, you can put up your "bad" photos... and then never get a response. That is the double edged sword of "being honest." Dating is SUPPOSED to be about putting your best foot forward, portraying the very best version of yourself... there is a bit of showmanship and slight-of-hand in all OLD profiles. Yet, since it's the ugly/fat who are the most obvious, they are the ones who take the brunt of the "You're a liar!" judgment and punishment.

 

Wouldn't it be SOOO much easier if people just stopped treating OLD as a consumerist market ("This product doesn't look anything like the picture!") and more as what it ACTUALLY is... a blind-date mechanism in which people might, potentially, be kinda-sorta lying, but are STILL deserving of respect and decency. I think a lot more people would try OLD if they knew the community had a sense of compassion and perspective ("Oh my GOD, I had to sit down and have coffee with a FATTIE!") instead of the judgmental meat market it's coming across as.

 

I'm done with this thread. Good luck to you.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

xxoo

It isn't something I don't "like". It is something that would make me wonder if the person is mentally sound. I used "alarm" to mean that my gut would be telling me "no", and to leave.

 

Since most people lie at some point, about some things, some obivous and some not, since you admit that you have lied, then you are bascially saying all human beings, you included, are possiblly not mentally sound.

 

It actually takes more deceptions and manipulation to lie about things that aren't obvious . And I would actually be more worried about these kind of lies, then what I consider white lies. Such as when men lie about their income or height and women lie about their weight.

 

 

I didn't suggest that anyone who lies in any situation is unhealthy.

 

No, you only suggested that certain lies made by other people that aren't you could potentially be "mentally unsound" while your lies are perfectly fine and your a healthy individual.

 

I previous used my own experience about not realizing how much weight I had put on. I knew I had put on some weight, but it wasn't until I saw a picture of myself did I realize how much. I don't think this makes me a mentally unsound individaul. I acutlally think this is pretty common for most people. They don't realize how much they changed until they see a recent picture of themselves. It's like looking at a picture of yourself 5 years ago. You most likely will see a difference but you most likely, in your day to day life, don't see that difference.

 

I'd argue that it is healthy to tell a kind lie to get out of an unsafe situation quickly and safely

 

Yes, when a man holds you at gunpoint and threatens your life, you do whatever you can to get out of that situation. When you are meeting a potential date from an online dating site in a public place, it's not exactly the life threatner you are making it out to be.

 

You are simply justifying your lies over why other people lie.

 

I am suggesting that a person who lies to get a first date, about things that will be revealed as lies on first sight, probably has some issue.

 

Now, we all have issues. Some of us have more serious issues than others. MOST of us can make it through a first date without putting our issues on display. Those of us who can not--get red flagged.

 

Ironically, both ways of handling the situation are somewhat deceitful. Yes, the girl clearly has some issues and shouldn't have lied or whatever. But is hiding your less flattering aspects until you hook someone in any better? I don't think so. I don't think that signifies a "more healthy person" just because they keep their issues under raps until they get to know someone.

[subhub40]

You're going to get a lot of "it's what inside that counts" messages in this thread. This isn't one of them.

 

If you can't accept yourself, no one else will either. If I make a date with a size 12, and a size 24 shows up, I'm wondering who the extra person is.

 

If you lie, you're rotten inside, and that's what counts.

 

Long time lurker, first time poster. I went on this date from OLD. Girl looked slim and very attractive in her OLD pictures. Showed up to the date, and she was HUGE!! I wasn't sure what to do. I stepped out to pay for parking, and I just drove off, as I just couldn't go through with the date. I felt horrible, and sent her an apologetic text, but I'm not sure how guilty I should feel. I wasn't sure what else to do... Anybody else been in a similar situation? How would you have handled it? How horrible a person am I?

[FitChick]

So Disenchantedly Yours, how many times did men cut your dates short or run away before you either put up current photos or took all of your photos down from your profile? What did they say to you before you got the message or did you figure it out for yourself?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

So Disenchantedly Yours, how many times did men cut your dates short or run away before you either put up current photos or took all of your photos down from your profile? What did they say to you before you got the message or did you figure it out for yourself?

 

 

I've never had a guy cut a date short with me or run away from one FitChick. And I always had current photos up. I usually try to underplay my looks because then when you meet the guy he is more impressed. When I gained that weight when my dad died, I didn't date at all. It was really the last thing on my mind for several reasons.

 

I dated a number of men for a while from online dating. And I also had a lot of first dates only. (You want to dish on me because of that? Go ahead.) Some were only first dates because I didn't want to see the guy again and some because he didn't want to see me again. I however won't claim I was always honest about everything and told all my faults on online profiles. I didn't. I highlighted the best of the best of me in my comments fields. And I don't think doing that (and I think everyone does that) is that different then someone who lies about their looks. I think everyone hides something or lies or omitts something when online dating. Everyone. I have been out with men that lied about their looks. I never felt personally offended about it. First time it happened I was kind of confused but I wasn't so hurt and offended that I ditched him or felt like I was being humilated. I knew why he did it. He was insecure. The first time it happened, that guy was a pretty nice guy. We went out a few times but it didn't work out for other reasons. Some guys were still pretty nice and some weren't. People come in all different kinds of combinations. At the end of the day, relationships are just as much about whaty ou like about someone as what you are able to deal with when it comes to their own issues. Because we all got them. If you got any more questions for me, let me know.

[xxoo]

No, you only suggested that certain lies made by other people [snip] could potentially be "mentally unsound" while your lies are perfectly fine and your a healthy individual.

 

I agree with this part, with a small edit.

 

Yes, absolutely, some lies are more disturbing than others.

[serial muse]

Whoa, at the risk of opening up this can of worms once again, I just came across this study:

 

Forty Percent of Overweight Women Don't Know It : Discovery News

 

...which actually suggests that many overweight women don't actually know they are. Very interesting. And seemed relevant to the discussion.

[Emilia]

So lies are okay if they are not obvious ones? I just want to understand what lies are acceptable and what aren't. I actually think the ones that are not as obvious have more of a chance of being harmful and egregious then the ones that are obvious. Which might actually make someone that makes a less obvious lie even more deceitful and manipulative and could be less mentally healthy in their own right considering how much deceit goes into making a lie that is not as obvious. Such as the husband or wife that lies about where they been..."OH I was just with the girls for a drink..." or "I just went to do some cardio at the gym"..when they were really out bleeping another person.

 

At the end of the day, no one really loosing anything when someone lies about their looks. Sure it's not right, it is annoying and you might techniqually loose an hour of your time. But they aren't really doing anything specifically to hurt you emotionally or physically. Most of the lying is acutally probably going to cause the liar more pay then the person they are lying to when it comes to OLD and pictures.

 

It matters why people lie because the level of deceit varies.

 

I lie if I don't want to go out with a chatty and full-on friend when I'm really tired. Instead of telling her that I find her too much when I'm tired, I lie by omitting the truth. It's called a 'white lie'.

 

Purposefully trying to manipulate people thinking you get away with deceiving them or cheating and covering it up with a lie are degrees away from the above.

 

I consider myself an honest person but yes that is relative. I don't have misleading facts on my OLD profile, in fact I admit to being a divorcee for example which is often to my disadvantage. At the same time I lie by omitting facts such not saying when someone's having smelly breath (unless they are a good friend), don't tell them when I don't think they can do a particular job well, don't tell them when I think they are rubbish at dancing. Lies that enhance social interaction.

 

Deceiving for my personal gain is very different in my eyes yes. If someone doesn't know the difference and lie about their appearance then their values differ from mine and frankly they aren't very bright either (or they are simply nuts).

 

I had a guy calling me today because I'm looking for sound insulation for my windows in my property. I have large, wooden, period windows that will need a carpenter (rather than cheap, plastic ones). I asked him whether he had that sort of experience and he told me he used to work at Buckingham Palace and Kensington Palace.

 

Now, there is a tiny chance that it's true but of course the Queen calls in specialists and those people don't need to hunt for small jobs like what I would offer. The guy was a moron for making up such a dumb lie.

Edited March 1, 2012 by Emilia

[xxoo]

Whoa, at the risk of opening up this can of worms once again, I just came across this study:

 

Forty Percent of Overweight Women Don't Know It : Discovery News

 

...which actually suggests that many overweight women don't actually know they are. Very interesting. And seemed relevant to the discussion.

 

Very interesting! I loved think link therein about how 75+% of teen girls are happy with their bodies. Very different from when I was a teen, I think.

 

But why wouldn't someone happy with their body put up accurate photos? (I can see if it was a matter of description...one person's "fit" is another person's "fat").

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Very interesting! I loved think link therein about how 75+% of teen girls are happy with their bodies. Very different from when I was a teen, I think.

 

But why wouldn't someone happy with their body put up accurate photos? (I can see if it was a matter of description...one person's "fit" is another person's "fat").

 

I suspect that study was conducted within the girlscouts. Girl scouts promote team building, leadership and confidence skills through your accomplishments. Also a healthy commodary with other girls and women. I think if you asked the general population how teenaged girls felt about their bodies, you'd get a differenat answer.

 

The study is completely at odds with what I think most women problably experience in relation to their own body and hearing how friends or motheres talk about their own bodies.

[FitChick]

If you are surrounded by fat people there is the tendency to think "I'm not as fat as she is..."

 

Still, there is no excuse for not posting a current photo, whether you think you are fat or not.

[The Matrix]

It's ironic that people go looking for love with such an unforgiving, unloving attitude. It isn't easy to put yourself out there. The poor girl was putting her best self forward...the picture she thought represented her at her best. So shoot her.

 

 

She failed to think it through obviously and that put you in an awkward situation. That's all it was. Awkward. It wasn't the end of the world for you. If anything she hurt herself more than you in the end, since she set herself up for rejection.

 

In a broader sense, I find it scary that all of you are so literal. People do and say things that aren't the literal truth but reflect a different truth. People also do and say things in the moment that they don't mean. That they may regret later. Please don't judge people so harshly and be generous with your second chances. I know this is sappy but what most people want in this world is love. Remember that when you're out looking for it.

 

Not saying you should have dated her, just treated her with respect.

 

(Oh and by the way I'm 5 ft 5 and 135 pounds in case any of you who don't understand empathy think I must be fat in order to imagine what she's going through).

 

I'd guess you're at least 5'8 looking at that shot of you on the camel

[The Matrix]

I'll echo what others have said here. She appears to have been deceitful but what you did was just wrong. She's a person and deserves better. You do the date and then you move on. It's about what kind of person you are, not what kind of person she is. As they say, two wrongs don't make a right.

[azsinglegal]

Whoa, at the risk of opening up this can of worms once again, I just came across this study:

 

Forty Percent of Overweight Women Don't Know It : Discovery News

 

...which actually suggests that many overweight women don't actually know they are. Very interesting. And seemed relevant to the discussion.

 

I said this back on page 2 but no one reads my posts. I was fat and didn't know it. Maybe this gal was too...but most folks on here just skip over posts and respond with their own opinion, which they then argue 'til the end, not realizing folks are actually agreeing with them.

 

Kinda makes me LOL.

[somedude81]

I said this back on page 2 but no one reads my posts. I was fat and didn't know it. Maybe this gal was too...but most folks on here just skip over posts and respond with their own opinion, which they then argue 'til the end, not realizing folks are actually agreeing with them.

 

Kinda makes me LOL.

No that's not true at all.

 

Some women are fat and just don't know it. That probably applied to this women.

[FitChick]

I was fat and didn't know it. Maybe this gal was too...

You can believe the moon is made of green cheese, it doesn't matter. Just post a current photo taken within the last two weeks.