Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Long time lurker, first time poster. I went on this date from OLD. Girl looked slim and very attractive in her OLD pictures. Showed up to the date, and she was HUGE!! I wasn't sure what to do. I stepped out to pay for parking, and I just drove off, as I just couldn't go through with the date. I felt horrible, and sent her an apologetic text, but I'm not sure how guilty I should feel. I wasn't sure what else to do... Anybody else been in a similar situation? How would you have handled it? How horrible a person am I? You couldn't go through a date because the girl was fat? Dude. Yeah, she shouldn't have lied but you completely ditched her. That's not right either. You said that you really liked her personality, I am sure you could have found something to talk about even if you weren't attracted to her. You're not a horrible person but you did treat her horribly. Look, people online lie because they want to be given a shot or they are deluded about where they are in life at the moment. She might still see herself at the certain weight and not realize just how much she put on. Doens't make it "right" but I do understand why people lie or omitt things. And I think if you are honest with yourself, you probably haven't told her everything about yourself, especially the unflattering stuff. It just so happens that one of the unflattering things about her right now for you is her weight gain.
ScreamingTrees Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 You couldn't go through a date because the girl was fat? Dude. Yeah, she shouldn't have lied but you completely ditched her. That's not right either. You said that you really liked her personality, I am sure you could have found something to talk about even if you weren't attracted to her. You're not a horrible person but you did treat her horribly. Look, people online lie because they want to be given a shot or they are deluded about where they are in life at the moment. She might still see herself at the certain weight and not realize just how much she put on. Doens't make it "right" but I do understand why people lie or omitt things. And I think if you are honest with yourself, you probably haven't told her everything about yourself, especially the unflattering stuff. It just so happens that one of the unflattering things about her right now for you is her weight gain. For some people, things like weight are a major deal breaker rather than something that is merely "unflattering" and are a signal of a major difference in lifestyle and self control. Even if they're very active, some people want someone who can keep up with them when they're out. IF the OP didn't lie about anything, at least the major things, I don't see the problem. It was very deceitful of her to do that, she should've just been honest up front. I think if he were to stay, it would've been a bit awkward.. I don't know if I would've just left right away, but I might've talked for 15 minutes and told her I didn't think things would work out and leave. It's not worth it.
KathyM Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 People who think the OP should have sat down and had a cup of coffee with her or had a chat with her; I think that is ridiculous. The girl lied first with false pictures. Why should he waste his time drinking coffee with someone who totally misrepresented herself? Not to mention the fact that he is not attracted to her? No one in life "owes" anyone anything. No one is obligated to sit down and have coffee with you; especially if you misrepresent your weight. A professional setting like work is different because that is determined by protocol. However; online dating? All is fair; you can walk out any time. No one is "owed" anything. This lady is not "owed" the courtesy of a 15 min date because she did not have the courtesy to reperesent herself accurately. OP owes her nothing. In fact, he deserves an apology from her if anything. Sorry but life is tough; if you don't like the way you look then do something about it. Sending pics of yourself that are inaccurate is truly pathetic. If I was in a bad mood and a guy did that to me; I might actually post on the forums of the OLD site (if they have one) and tell EVERYONE how he posted pics of himself weighing 30 lb less than he actually is... just to teach him a lesson not to do it again. Being mean to them is not the answer. While it's completely understandable that the deceived person would feel let down and misled, I think a little empathy is in order. This person probably faces a ton of rejection in their life, and is desperate to find someone who can look past their physical flaws, and are holding out the hope that this time maybe the other person will not judge them based solely on their looks. They do that to get their foot in the door, hoping their personality/charm/etc. will make up for what they are lacking in physical appearance, and they didn't want to be shot down based on looks alone. While they should not deceive people about how they look, I do think a little bit of empathy is in order for what these people are dealing with, and it wouldn't hurt to sit down for a short time to eat or have a cup of coffee. You have to eat anyway, right? Is it so bad to make a little small talk with a person for a brief time, even if you realize they were not truthful about their appearance. Granted they shouldn't have misled, but I think a person should still be shown a little empathy and the guy had nothing to lose by sitting down for a cup of coffee for 15 minutes. There's no need to be cruel to these people.
FitChick Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 As for people who claim not to have any current photos, cameras have timers so you can take dozens of photos and pick the best one so there are no excuses. That's what I do. Face and full length. A friend who is very active, belongs to the Sierra Club, loves to cycle and hike or even just do long city walks, mentioned all of this in her profile because she was tired of meeting inactive men (to put it politely). She met a man who turned out to be in a wheelchair. Now that man clearly was sabotaging himself since there are plenty of women who are couch potatoes whom he could have met instead.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 For some people, things like weight are a major deal breaker rather than something that is merely "unflattering" and are a signal of a major difference in lifestyle and self control. Even if they're very active, some people want someone who can keep up with them when they're out. IF the OP didn't lie about anything, at least the major things, I don't see the problem. It was very deceitful of her to do that, she should've just been honest up front. I think if he were to stay, it would've been a bit awkward.. I don't know if I would've just left right away, but I might've talked for 15 minutes and told her I didn't think things would work out and leave. It's not worth it. I understand. I didn't say he had to be attracted to her or date her. But he said he enjoyed her personality. Weight doesn't change that. Yes she lied. Yes it is wrong. That doesn't mean you can't be a human being in response. What other people do does not excuse your behavior. 2
Eddie Edirol Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 This person probably faces a ton of rejection in their life, and is desperate to find someone who can look past their physical flaws, and are holding out the hope that this time maybe the other person will not judge them based solely on their looks. They do that to get their foot in the door, hoping their personality/charm/etc. will make up for what they are lacking in physical appearance, and they didn't want to be shot down based on looks alone. While they should not deceive people about how they look, I do think a little bit of empathy is in order for what these people are dealing with, and it wouldn't hurt to sit down for a short time to eat or have a cup of coffee. How many people do you know that settled for someone that they had NO physical attraction to whatsoever? That overlooks MAJOR physical flaws? How many men have you dated for years that you cant stand looking at, or was morbidly obese? I think theres only 2 people on this forum that do that, and I think they are already obese. How many dates have you extended the coffee date with someone who completely misrepresented themselves physically, then gaslights you for it? Maybe you dont get uncomfortable with people who lie so blatantly, but I dont feel its necessary to be polite to someone I will never see again, that misrepresents themselves like this, and blames tries to turn it around on me. 2
KathyM Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Yes; my time really is that valuable. No, I CANNOT be bothered to spend 15 min drinking coffee someone I am not attracted to who has misled me. I would rather shoot myself first. I do not have the time nor the inclination to waste this much energy on a stranger. And no; I do not feel any empathy whatsoever; if they feel bad about themselves, it's simply NOT MY PROBLEM. I do not have time to feel empathy for every Tom, Dick and Harry that I run into. Why should I feel empathy for a person I hardly know? You'd rather shoot yourself than talk to a guy for 15 minutes that was eager to meet you and thought so highly of you? Is 15 minutes and a cup of coffee wasting a lot of time and energy? Well, I don't really see it that way, but to each his own, I guess. 1
ditzchic Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Yes; my time really is that valuable. No, I CANNOT be bothered to spend 15 min drinking coffee someone I am not attracted to who has misled me. I would rather shoot myself first. I do not have the time nor the inclination to waste this much energy on a stranger. And no; I do not feel any empathy whatsoever; if they feel bad about themselves, it's simply NOT MY PROBLEM. I do not have time to feel empathy for every Tom, Dick and Harry that I run into. Why should I feel empathy for a person I hardly know? I believe that is what differentiates a normal person from a sociopath. I don't personally think you should have to sit down and entertain someone that you are completely not interested in but try and have a heart, man. You're not interested and don't feel like hanging out? Fine, walk away. But viewing any human being as a waste of energy or time and saying you would rather shoot yourself than interact with someone? That says a lot more about you than it does about the other person. I think any person you walk away from should consider the situation a bullet dodged. 7
somedude81 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I agree that just ditching her was wrong. How about this little discourse. 'You look different than in your pictures." "How so?" "You're fat." Now she's the one who's rude to get up and walk away 4
InJest Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Somedude81, that is the type of wit you need to capture when talking to women. 1
Eddie Edirol Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 It is a waste of time to sit with a potential date I find physically repulsive because there would be no end-goal. What would be the goal be? I am certainly not going to date him. Why is it my job to make a stranger feel good about themselves when they lied in the first place? It's not my obligation or job duty to feed someone's self-esteem. Apparently the end goal is guilt. People pounce guilt upon themselves for wanting to walk out on a liar and a bold faced liar at that. I dont know why, am I abnormal for not letting myself feel guilty in this situation? Read back people, he walked out because she tried to turn the situation around on him. He told her she didnt look like her pictures and she tried really hard to make him think he was crazy. She would have to be extremely delusional to think that she didnt look different from her pics, if he had to bring it up. She tried to insult his intelligence, with pure non-integrity. So she did it on purpose. Who can really hang around for coffee after that kind of exchange? I doubt the massively polite guilt ridden posters will hang around after all that. 1
ditzchic Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 It is a waste of time to sit with a potential date I find physically repulsive because there would be no end-goal. What would be the goal be? I am certainly not going to date him. Why is it my job to make a stranger feel good about themselves when they lied in the first place? It's not my obligation or job duty to feed someone's self-esteem. I'm not saying it's your job to do that. I agree that it's fine to walk away. It's not your job to feed someone's self-esteem but it's also not your place to destroy it. A nice polite "I forgot I had something else going on. I gotta run." works fine. Never contact them again. Ignore their attempts at contacting you. Live your happy life and let them live theirs. Being angry and expecting an apology because a living, breathing human being with thoughts and feelings wasted your precious time because they did not meet your standards is pretty ****ed up in my opinion. No one forced you to go on a date with a stranger from the interwebz. You made that choice. Since the inception of the web people have been misrepresenting themselves online. It's not right and I would never do it but I've had it done to me. I never felt the need to demand an apology. I just went on my merry way. It's a consequence of meeting strangers. You need to consider those outcomes before you agree to a date. If you can't handle that thought, don't meet strangers. 5
serial muse Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Apparently the end goal is guilt. People pounce guilt upon themselves for wanting to walk out on a liar and a bold faced liar at that. I dont know why, am I abnormal for not letting myself feel guilty in this situation? Read back people, he walked out because she tried to turn the situation around on him. He told her she didnt look like her pictures and she tried really hard to make him think he was crazy. She would have to be extremely delusional to think that she didnt look different from her pics, if he had to bring it up. She tried to insult his intelligence, with pure non-integrity. So she did it on purpose. Who can really hang around for coffee after that kind of exchange? I doubt the massively polite guilt ridden posters will hang around after all that. No no no. You should read back: He didn't walk out because of that. He saw what she looked like and promptly made up an excuse, walked out first, then texted to apologize, and then she responded. I agree she shouldn't have lied about her weight, and I also agree he shouldn't have walked out. He's not obligated to date her, certainly, but I think it's crappy to just walk out on someone like that. I think the OP knows it too, which is why he apologized in the first place.
KathyM Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 How many people do you know that settled for someone that they had NO physical attraction to whatsoever? That overlooks MAJOR physical flaws? How many men have you dated for years that you cant stand looking at, or was morbidly obese? I think theres only 2 people on this forum that do that, and I think they are already obese. How many dates have you extended the coffee date with someone who completely misrepresented themselves physically, then gaslights you for it? Maybe you dont get uncomfortable with people who lie so blatantly, but I dont feel its necessary to be polite to someone I will never see again, that misrepresents themselves like this, and blames tries to turn it around on me. I'm not saying they should date or have a relationship with this person who misrepresented themselves. I'm saying they should be able to be civil at least for a brief 15 minute date, have a little empathy for what that person is probably going through in OLD, and then leave it at that. No need to be mean to a person or feel you can't sacrifice 15 minutes of your life for someone that was so eager to meet you. Is that really so much to ask? 15 minutes to spare a person's feelings and not humiliate them in public by ditching them middle of the date. Just keep the date short, problem solved.
xxoo Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I'm sure it was awful for the woman when she realized you just....left. But I'm sure it was also confusing for you to meet someone who looked radically different from the pictures she shared. Just saying, I can understand your urge to get the heck out of the situation. Maybe reflect, and think about how you could handle the situation with more composure and tact next time? It sounds like a fairly common experience, and may happen again.
KathyM Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Not if he's a fat ass; no. Sorry; I'm not attracted to overweight guys. Looks matter a lot to me. Why waste my time on someone who I very well may find physically repulsive? I'm not saying you need to be attracted to him, and I completely understand that you wouldn't want to see him again, I'm just suggesting you spare the guy more pain and not ditch him middle of the date or immediately upon seeing him. That's all. I would feel kind of sorry for the person, because he probably gets a lot of rejection in life.
serial muse Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I'm not saying they should date or have a relationship with this person who misrepresented themselves. I'm saying they should be able to be civil at least for a brief 15 minute date, have a little empathy for what that person is probably going through in OLD, and then leave it at that. No need to be mean to a person or feel you can't sacrifice 15 minutes of your life for someone that was so eager to meet you. Is that really so much to ask? 15 minutes to spare a person's feelings and not humiliate them in public by ditching them middle of the date. Just keep the date short, problem solved. Yeah, this.
azsinglegal Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 For some people, things like weight are a major deal breaker rather than something that is merely "unflattering" and are a signal of a major difference in lifestyle and self control. Even if they're very active, some people want someone who can keep up with them when they're out. IF the OP didn't lie about anything, at least the major things, I don't see the problem. It was very deceitful of her to do that, she should've just been honest up front. I think if he were to stay, it would've been a bit awkward.. I don't know if I would've just left right away, but I might've talked for 15 minutes and told her I didn't think things would work out and leave. It's not worth it. Despite the fact that someone overweight I would never even give a chance as I'm extremely into fitness. I still wouldn't ditch them completely. I did OLD and many guys were much bigger than they claimed or showed in a picture. I wasn't rude to them by completely ditching...although, I have had it done to me and I think it's utterly terrible and cowardly. I agree that just ditching her was wrong. How about this little discourse. 'You look different than in your pictures." "How so?" "You're fat." Now she's the one who's rude to get up and walk away ^^ Not exactly what I was saying to do. But would get the point across about the deceitful picture.
kaylan Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Geez, that sounds awful. At least the lady didn't blast him for being superficial, or call him out for how rude he was. Seriously, fleeing from the restaurant? Is that how you would want someone to treat you? I admit what he did was rude. But the chick used deception which is shifty as well. Deception...is that how you would want someone to treat you?
xxoo Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Someone walking weird isn't necessarily drunk, nor is someone so blatantly misrepresenting themselves necessarily a 'liar'. They can be feeling people with other issues. I agree, but who knows what those "issues" are. I mean, if a guy sent me photos with a full head of hair, and then I walked in to see that he was completely bald (hair loss, not shaved), I'd be taken aback. I'd be wondering if he is quite "right". And I like bald guys!
verhrzn Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 I admit what he did was rude. But the chick used deception which is shifty as well. Deception...is that how you would want someone to treat you? If it's a stranger, and I wasn't hurt in any way by the deception, then what does it really cost me to be kind? Also several posters have pointed out that the woman might not have been lying intentionally. She might actually not be aware of how different her photos look. It's like when a guy puts his height as 6' when he's actually 5'10"... maybe he was lying, but maybe he really does think he's taller than he is. The woman could be looking in the mirror, looking at her pictures, and thinking," Yeah I still look pretty much like that!" The point is, the OP acted in a rude way for no reason. Her deception did not hurt him, and it would have cost nothing for him to sit down and be polite to her. Maybe even ask her to explain. 3
kaylan Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 (edited) If it's a stranger, and I wasn't hurt in any way by the deception, then what does it really cost me to be kind? Also several posters have pointed out that the woman might not have been lying intentionally. She might actually not be aware of how different her photos look. It's like when a guy puts his height as 6' when he's actually 5'10"... maybe he was lying, but maybe he really does think he's taller than he is. The woman could be looking in the mirror, looking at her pictures, and thinking," Yeah I still look pretty much like that!" The point is, the OP acted in a rude way for no reason. Her deception did not hurt him, and it would have cost nothing for him to sit down and be polite to her. Maybe even ask her to explain. Sorry, but I dont waste time or money on people who misrepresent themselves. Especially if they are delusional.I'm not saying it's your job to do that. I agree that it's fine to walk away. It's not your job to feed someone's self-esteem but it's also not your place to destroy it. A nice polite "I forgot I had something else going on. I gotta run." works fine. Never contact them again. Ignore their attempts at contacting you. Live your happy life and let them live theirs. Being angry and expecting an apology because a living, breathing human being with thoughts and feelings wasted your precious time because they did not meet your standards is pretty ****ed up in my opinion. No one forced you to go on a date with a stranger from the interwebz. You made that choice. Since the inception of the web people have been misrepresenting themselves online. It's not right and I would never do it but I've had it done to me. I never felt the need to demand an apology. I just went on my merry way. It's a consequence of meeting strangers. You need to consider those outcomes before you agree to a date. If you can't handle that thought, don't meet strangers. How is this really any different from what the OP did? Just because you say one little meaningless sentence before bailing does not mean the situation was changed. Edited February 24, 2012 by kaylan
poodle Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Oh please. Girlfriend posts misleading pics....that is what's cowardly and rude. Some of ya expect him to then buy her coffee?? Cmon. I'd leave too! As long as he sent the text right away, and didn't leave her hanging for half an hr, I think its fine. Haven't read through all other posts yet, but I just had to reply to this one. How about all those girls who look completely different with makeup on? Isn't that equally misleading, cowardly and rude? Guys, here's a video of what's possible with makeup:
Jane2011 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 (edited) Agree with ditzchic on a lot of her thoughts. I don't blame the OP for just leaving. If a friend of mine did the same thing, I'd say "Yeah, I can see why you would..." At the same time, I don't think it would hurt to humor the deceiving person for a while either. Just 20-30 minutes. It's true they deceived you. But if someone deceived me with the intent to give themselves a chance they didn't think they'd otherwise get (and because they want love in their life) vs. with malicious intent, I'd be more inclined to treat the situation with kid gloves. Some of it, too, depends on how "involved" -- communication-wise and rapport-buiding-wise -- we'd gotten online and on the phone. If it was moderately to very involved, I'd talk to the person for a bit in person, then split. If we were relatively aloof and all-business in interaction to set up a meet up time, I'd see both of us as only minimally invested and be more likely to just flee the scene. Here's the thing. For those who think the person deserves "nothing" since they had the nerve to deceive, you could always just confront the person for five minutes. You can just sit down, have a few short exchanges, and then say you have to go. That gives them at least the courtesy of an acknowledgement while at the same time allowing you to express your disgust/annoyance in no uncertain terms. Edited February 24, 2012 by Jane2011
Jane2011 Posted February 24, 2012 Posted February 24, 2012 Also, maybe this is making it even more unnecessarily complicated, but it would also depend, for me, on how much different they look from their pictures. If someone posted pics where he looks to be 170 lbs but in reality is 350, I might think he is actually crazy. I would think he's clearly playing some crazy ass games with people. If a guy describes himself as average but is actually kinda chunky (but not crazy obese), I'd think he was desperate but just trying to find ways to give himself a chance with women.
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