Girls fatter than online pics

[Eddie Edirol]

No no no. You should read back: He didn't walk out because of that. He saw what she looked like and promptly made up an excuse, walked out first, then texted to apologize, and then she responded.

 

I agree she shouldn't have lied about her weight, and I also agree he shouldn't have walked out. He's not obligated to date her, certainly, but I think it's crappy to just walk out on someone like that. I think the OP knows it too, which is why he apologized in the first place.

 

Youre right, I did forget what I read. Now I dont know if I would have walked out that quickly, but I dont blame him for doing it. I am selfish also, and I dont have to care about her feelings. My inclination is not to worry about this situation. I dont want to feel unnecessary guilt.

 

Now I do consider that she might have looked one way (example) 2 years ago when she opened her OLD account, and gained weight in two years. But not she knew she had to buy bigger clothes in that time. Shes aware that she gained weight. So she had to know she didnt update her pictures, which is denial. I dont think its a psychological problem, because this is too common a problem with people on dating sites, they commonly pull the bait and switch.

 

But everyone who is feeling sorry for the ditched woman, does anyone take into consideration the person that was lied to? How bout the OP's feelings and his self esteem? Anyone who has dealt with the dating sites knows what its like for the self esteem to take a hit when they dont have many choices, and the only person that agrees to meet up with you turns out to not be normal. You get dressed up, excited, opened minded to deal with the initial awkwardness, you think its someone you can really click with, and then you get his with a big fat liar. That hurts.

 

I still think that the woman in this scenario needs this slap in the face so she can be more honest in the future. Maybe she will, since she was in total denial, but I think she needs to get hurt to learn. Alot of people dont improve themselves until they are hurt, and she needed this.

 

If a guy describes himself as average but is actually kinda chunky (but not crazy obese), I'd think he was desperate but just trying to find ways to give himself a chance with women.

 

The problem is people do this all the time online, they "tone down" their shape to attract more attention, its an epidemic, and it will never go away, and when they dont think they need to improve their looks, they think they need to lie about it. Complete denial, or laziness.

[JazzyFox]

Here is a thought ... maybe she did appear "chunky" in her pictures and he just didn't "see" it ...

 

Sometimes we filter out information and facts when we want to believe.

 

Hope springs eternal.

[veggirl]

I'd rather the guy leave without starting anything then humor me with a freaking 15 minute PITY DATE. And if I was fat and put up deceiving pics...I'd understand why he did it.

[Ranchero44]

Aren't there dating websites dedicated exclusively for larger people? I wonder why more large people don't use them? That would solve a whole lot of problems mentioned in this thread. I used to work with a gal who met and fell in love with her boyfriend through some Big Beautiful People site.

[only_quotes_jerks]

Aren't there dating websites dedicated exclusively for larger people? I wonder why more large people don't use them? That would solve a whole lot of problems mentioned in this thread. I used to work with a gal who met and fell in love with her boyfriend through some Big Beautiful People site.

 

Don't stop there! Fat people are scientifically proven to need more water, maybe should have them on their own drinking fountains so that we have a more realistic allocation of our resources.

[Ranchero44]

Don't stop there! Fat people are scientifically proven to need more water, maybe should have them on their own drinking fountains so that we have a more realistic allocation of our resources.

 

[sheepish]. Stupid thing to say; sorry. This just seems to be a real problem with this sort of misrepresentation; BUT I recant saying that all large people should use Big Beautiful People and sites of that sort.

[Feelin Frisky]

It sounds shallow but how huge is huge? Assuming she was just heavy and her picture IS of her, I'd feel wrong in splitting like that. I'd go through with it and just try not to make it a painful loss by blowing a lot of moola on her. Ya never know. How hard is it to just be decent?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yes; my time really is that valuable. No, I CANNOT be bothered to spend 15 min drinking coffee someone I am not attracted to who has misled me. I would rather shoot myself first. I do not have the time nor the inclination to waste this much energy on a stranger. And no; I do not feel any empathy whatsoever; if they feel bad about themselves, it's simply NOT MY PROBLEM. I do not have time to feel empathy for every Tom, Dick and Harry that I run into. Why should I feel empathy for a person I hardly know?

 

What if you meet a guy and he realizes that you really don't like men except for sex, that you dislike people in general, etc. - should he go to the restroom and disappear, leaving you sitting there by yourself? Because he would have wasted his valuable time, unless you are completely upfront about these traits of yours in your dating profiles.

 

What do you think?

 

Also, just curious - but do you feel empathy under any circumstances?

[lospantalonsfancie]

OP here. Allow me to clarify some things about why I left.

 

First, it was a late-evening date at a bar, not at a coffee shop, and the plan was to have drinks and chat, which normally would take at least 2 hours.

 

Second, here's what happened. I genuinely needed to get change from the bar for parking. I walked in, she was right at the door and we met. I wasn't planning to leave, but once I got the change and went back out to the parking meter, I noticed that parking would be fairly expensive for 1-2 hours. Given that I felt so deceived, I didn't feel it would be fair to pay so much for parking + drinks given how she misrepresented herself. It was only then that I decided to leave.

 

Third, she wasn't just large. Her face also looked completely different and much much less attractive. I think her teeth were also somehow less straight than they were in her pics, though I'm not positive. It was hard to believe that she was the same person as in those pictures! I suppose it is possible that she put on weight at all the wrong places in her face such that the end result was a very unattractive face in place of the original, attractive face, though I couldn't quite convince myself of that at a gut level. Given that I found her weight and her face both deceptive and repulsive, I admit that one reason I left was because I would have felt too embarrassed to be seen publicly with someone like that. I know that's not a nice thing to say, but its true. Another reason is that I was too emotionally distressed by the bait and switch that I would have felt very uncomfortable throughout the date, and I didn't want to put myself through that.

 

Fourth. As someone else pointed out, I didn't confront her to her face. Frankly, I would have been worried about her slapping me or making a scene because she is much bigger than I am --- bear in mind that I don't know this person and am apprehensive about how they really are. I did leave, then immediately text her very apologetically, to which she replied with the bold faced denial as I described previously.

 

In summary, yes, I do feel horrible. But everyone has their limits and I know what mine are: I would have been emotionally distressed by having to go through that date, and I decided to spare myself that distress and spare her the awkwardness, at the cost of hurting her and making her feel inadequate. Its not a perfect solution, but in that moment I judged it to be a reasonable solution to the quandry at hand. I tried to be as kind to her as I possibly could in the subsequent text, in order to lessen the harm I inflicted on her as much as possible.

[phineas]

I can't even get curvy women to respond to my messages. LOL!

[Jane2011]

I'm writing a story (I fancy myself a writer) which has the working title "Bait & Switch" -- I've always loved that expression.

 

I've not experienced it in terms of physical looks. But I have experienced it (and been guilty of it myself) in terms of attitudes/relationship parameters, very recently. [saying one thing on dates 1 and 2, and then singing a different tune later on.] It was unintentional, I think, but baiting and switching nonetheless!

 

OP, I think what you did is fine. I've never left a date that quickly, but I've done things close to it. I just went on a coffee date the other night (from an OLD site) and pretty much split after one hour. As a matter of fact, I told my friend beforehand to call me and act like there was an emergency.

[D-Lish]

Men are just as bad for being mis-leading with photo's.

I actually went out with a guy that had turned up the brightness on his web cam photo and listed himself as caucasion. I met him and he was East Indian. I don't know why someone would lie about race. I would have met him regardless- but the fact that he lied about something like that made me realize he'd be capable of lying about anything and everything.

[FitChick]

I actually went out with a guy that had turned up the brightness on his web cam photo and listed himself as caucasion. I met him and he was East Indian.

 

Now that is funny!

[D-Lish]

Now that is funny!

 

But strange too right??? That's something SOOOOO odd to lie about!

 

[veggirl]

OP here. Allow me to clarify some things about why I left.

 

First, it was a late-evening date at a bar, not at a coffee shop, and the plan was to have drinks and chat, which normally would take at least 2 hours.

 

Second, here's what happened. I genuinely needed to get change from the bar for parking. I walked in, she was right at the door and we met. I wasn't planning to leave, but once I got the change and went back out to the parking meter, I noticed that parking would be fairly expensive for 1-2 hours. Given that I felt so deceived, I didn't feel it would be fair to pay so much for parking + drinks given how she misrepresented herself. It was only then that I decided to leave.

 

Third, she wasn't just large. Her face also looked completely different and much much less attractive. I think her teeth were also somehow less straight than they were in her pics, though I'm not positive. It was hard to believe that she was the same person as in those pictures! I suppose it is possible that she put on weight at all the wrong places in her face such that the end result was a very unattractive face in place of the original, attractive face, though I couldn't quite convince myself of that at a gut level. Given that I found her weight and her face both deceptive and repulsive, I admit that one reason I left was because I would have felt too embarrassed to be seen publicly with someone like that. I know that's not a nice thing to say, but its true. Another reason is that I was too emotionally distressed by the bait and switch that I would have felt very uncomfortable throughout the date, and I didn't want to put myself through that.

 

Fourth. As someone else pointed out, I didn't confront her to her face. Frankly, I would have been worried about her slapping me or making a scene because she is much bigger than I am --- bear in mind that I don't know this person and am apprehensive about how they really are. I did leave, then immediately text her very apologetically, to which she replied with the bold faced denial as I described previously.

 

In summary, yes, I do feel horrible. But everyone has their limits and I know what mine are: I would have been emotionally distressed by having to go through that date, and I decided to spare myself that distress and spare her the awkwardness, at the cost of hurting her and making her feel inadequate. Its not a perfect solution, but in that moment I judged it to be a reasonable solution to the quandry at hand. I tried to be as kind to her as I possibly could in the subsequent text, in order to lessen the harm I inflicted on her as much as possible.

 

Oh wow. I guess I didn't realize that you had met her face to face before you split. How soon after you bailed did you send the text?

 

I thought it was like a driveby, she was standing outside and you kept going without ever stopping, etc.

 

I don't know. How long did she have to stand at the bar alone, waiting for you to return? Ouch... People probably saw you ditch her after speaking to her.

 

Maybe keep first meets to coffee dates at lunch time from now on.

[reallyhotguy]

This reminds me of the time my friend told me about a date from OKCupid. He had been flirting with this girl, and it was going really well, except that her only photo was a picture of a cat. When he asked her about it she said "Oh yeah, that's just my cat, isn't she cute? I don't have any recent photos of me I hope you don't mind" etc. Since they seemed to have a good connection and he liked the rest of her profile, he figured "why not?" and went it with it. But of course, we all know that never ends well. When he showed up at the restaurant to finally meet her, it turned out that the entire time, this "girl" was actually a cat, and the "restaurant" ended up being a Petco. Though in hindsight, we were pretty high at the time he told me this story, so there may have been some miscommunication.

[ascendotum]

OP, I think what you did is fine. I've never left a date that quickly, but I've done things close to it. I just went on a coffee date the other night (from an OLD site) and pretty much split after one hour. As a matter of fact, I told my friend beforehand to call me and act like there was an emergency.

 

The ol 'friend phones at designated time with emergency' ruse. I've had it pulled on me, and I called them on it (in a jokey manner), not that it really makes any difference, it wasnt going to happen anyway and its a convenient exit strategy. I wonder if there is an app that all a girl has to do is touch an icon on her phone and it transmits a 'get me outa here' msg to her friend so she can phone earlier than pre-arranged (though she could call her friend in the toilet).

 

Jane, I think there is a huge difference between saying hi and going straight back out the door and jumping in the car vs sticking around for coffee for an hour if someone misrepresented themselves. IDK, I have mixed feelings over this issue. It pissed me of to find a woman shows up and you don't recognise her until she says hi I'm xxx from Lavalife, and you're gobsmaked & disappointed. I've stuck around 15 mins but thats it. I dont travel far for an initial meet, usually bar after work, so there's no great time lost and I get a beer too.

I know two wrongs dont make a right, but doing a runner vs grossly misrepresenting yourself, to me do match up.

[Jane2011]

The ol 'friend phones at designated time with emergency' ruse. I've had it pulled on me, and I called them on it (in a jokey manner), not that it really makes any difference, it wasnt going to happen anyway and its a convenient exit strategy. I wonder if there is an app that all a girl has to do is touch an icon on her phone and it transmits a 'get me outa here' msg to her friend so she can phone earlier than pre-arranged (though she could call her friend in the toilet).

 

Jane, I think there is a huge difference between saying hi and going straight back out the door and jumping in the car vs sticking around for coffee for an hour if someone misrepresented themselves. IDK, I have mixed feelings over this issue. It pissed me of to find a woman shows up and you don't recognise her until she says hi I'm xxx from Lavalife, and you're gobsmaked & disappointed. I've stuck around 15 mins but thats it. I dont travel far for an initial meet, usually bar after work, so there's no great time lost and I get a beer too.

I know two wrongs dont make a right, but doing a runner vs grossly misrepresenting yourself, to me do match up.

 

 

The thing about the "emergency" situation was that I didn't even use it. I did tell my friend to do that (and he did call me, as ordered, to "rescue" me), but I never picked up. I didn't have the heart to actually pretend to have an emergency. I just ended up saying I had a lot of work to do and needed to get going. I mentioned it in my post just to show that people (including me) do set up rude escape routes just to avoid boring, I'm-so-not-interested dates.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I had probably 40+ meet ups from OLD and never left when I saw someone, even if they were much worse than their pics (most were).

 

I did have 2 guys make excuses to leave after an hour of quick coffee and extremely awkward conversation. In both cases, I found guys physically repulsive and was glad that they left.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I can't even get curvy women to respond to my messages. LOL!

 

To be honest, your general attitude towards women sucks. I don't feel sorry for you one bit.

[Frogwife]

I'm writing a story (I fancy myself a writer) which has the working title "Bait & Switch" -- I've always loved that expression.

 

 

I really enjoyed the book "Bait & Switch" by Barbara Ehrenreich.

[Engadget]

But strange too right??? That's something SOOOOO odd to lie about!

 

 

Well from what I know, in Indian culture there's pressure to be white, or that whiteness is beautiful. A lot of people there try to lighten their skin. Sad really.

 

As for me, I do NOT like online dating. No offense to you folks that do it, but my thought is if you're online looking, no one in real life wants you.

 

My friend just met a girl online and she's a Stage 5 clinger already after 2 weeks. He just got out of a loooong relationship, and she's already nagging and badgering him.

 

Online dating for sex? Fine. But people lie online, and I need to meet someone in person first.

 

But as for women being fatter in pictures, I'm okay with that since I happen to like fat women.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Originally Posted by lospantalonsfancie

OP here. Allow me to clarify some things about why I left.

 

First, it was a late-evening date at a bar, not at a coffee shop, and the plan was to have drinks and chat, which normally would take at least 2 hours.

 

Second, here's what happened. I genuinely needed to get change from the bar for parking. I walked in, she was right at the door and we met. I wasn't planning to leave, but once I got the change and went back out to the parking meter, I noticed that parking would be fairly expensive for 1-2 hours. Given that I felt so deceived, I didn't feel it would be fair to pay so much for parking + drinks given how she misrepresented herself. It was only then that I decided to leave.

 

 

Lospantalonsfancie, you're making up excuses. Look, seriously, I get it. You were not attracted to her. No one here is telling you that you should have been. However she is still a human being. She lied about her looks. She didn't steal your car, or kill your brother, or make fun of your mom or anything else truly egregious. She simply lied about her looks. Or she simply sees herself how she was in those old pictures and doesn't realize how much she has infact changed.

 

But here is the thing, you are going to meet a lot of people in this world. They are going to do a lot of things. And at the end of the day, all you got to hold onto is how *you* as a human being act. How *you* as a human being treat other people. When someone cuts me off on the road, I can curse him out and give them the finger or I can calm the bleep down and go on my way. What someone else does to you does not justify your own behavior. Please re-read that sentence. What someone else does to you does not justify your own behavior. This is a mistake people often make. They are not able to seperate their own actions and choices from those they feel justify their own actions and choices.

 

I think you know what you did was messed up. Otherwise you wouldn't have posted about it. Neither would you have the feelings of guilt you have. People, for the most part, feel guility when something they did is at odds with their personal code of ethics.

 

You have two options here everytime you meet someone. You can give someone a good experience for having known you and have that person walk away thinking you're a decent guy, (EVEN if you never want to see that person again. EVEN if they didn't do right by you.) Or you can give that person a bad experience. You gave this girl a bad experience. And yes, she gave you one too. But she isn't here asking for opinions. You are. And you decided to treat this girl with a lack of respect. The measure of any person is not how people treat them but how they treat other people. No matter what that person does to you.

 

Given that I found her weight and her face both deceptive and repulsive, I admit that one reason I left was because I would have felt too embarrassed to be seen publicly with someone like that. I know that's not a nice thing to say, but its true. Another reason is that I was too emotionally distressed by the bait and switch that I would have felt very uncomfortable throughout the date, and I didn't want to put myself through that.

 

Here is the thing OP, people that actually feel embarrassed to be out in public with other people that socially aren't considered attractive actually lack self confidence in themselves and base their worth on the looks of the company they keep. This is on you. This is something enternal inside you. Now I am not saying the girl you went out on a date with is a secure person or that she didn't do something wrong. But again, she isn't here asking for opinions. You are. You didn't feel embarreassed to be with her because of anyway she looked. You felt embarressed to be with her because of your own insecurity.

 

It looks to me like you and this girl both acted on your insecurities, you have something in common with her to be honest.

 

Men that pride themselves on the company they keep are looking for external validation through other people. That is purely based out of insecurity. I have dated men that aren't the best looking and I have never been "embarressed" to be out with them. I am certainly no beauty queen myself.

 

 

Fourth. As someone else pointed out, I didn't confront her to her face. Frankly, I would have been worried about her slapping me or making a scene because she is much bigger than I am --- bear in mind that I don't know this person and am apprehensive about how they really are. I did leave, then immediately text her very apologetically, to which she replied with the bold faced denial as I described previously.

 

In summary, yes, I do feel horrible. But everyone has their limits and I know what mine are: I would have been emotionally distressed by having to go through that date, and I decided to spare myself that distress and spare her the awkwardness, at the cost of hurting her and making her feel inadequate. Its not a perfect solution, but in that moment I judged it to be a reasonable solution to the quandry at hand. I tried to be as kind to her as I possibly could in the subsequent text, in order to lessen the harm I inflicted on her as much as possible.

 

From reading your posts, I think there is a lot you need to work out within yourself. Perhaps you should pay more attention to your own choices and actions in this situation, independent of hers, to figure that out. And ask yourself at the end of the day, what kind of man you want to be.

[OpenBook]

The measure of any person is not how people treat them but how they treat other people. No matter what that person does to you.

 

A very tough lesson to learn. But this is the truth. Well said DY.

[PlumPrincess]

Her response was impressively bold denialism. She said that she finds my reaction very surprising, and everyone in the past had told her the exact opposite. She also said that she feels the same about me, and therefore its all for the best. I'm pretty sure I look exactly the same as I do in my pictures (except for the fact that I'm about a week overdue for a haircut), so I think she was just trying to save face and act big (no pun intended).

 

Its all such a shame really, because she seemed like an awesome person to talk to from our online convos and from her profile. She probably used to be hot too, 30-40lbs ago...

Opposite of what?