Girls fatter than online pics

[PlumPrincess]

Seriously, you have not read anything I've said.

I just don't agree with your idea that her lie was just like any other "lie" that people tell on a dating site and that everybody lies like she did. It's just not true. She claimed to look a certain way and she didn't.

 

But you're now probably going to say anyway that she just wasn't aware she had gained that much that she didn't match her old pictures anymore.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Disconcerting that she put up presumably old photos, where she was considerably thinner.

 

It would be like walking in to find a man with a considerably receding hairline, when all of his photos showed him with a full head of hair. Or a man with an aged face, when the photos and profile showed him to be 25.

 

I would think any of these people were "not quite right". I'd go out with a bald guy, or a 40 year old guy, but would be very wary of a guy who couldn't recognize that he'd aged, or lost hair, and presented himself online as if he had not. I can understand how the OP might have felt uncomfortable, and put in the awkward position of pretending nothing is wrong, when clearly something is.

 

Well I didn't recongnize that I had gained the weight I did. So what does that make me? "Not quite right"? I don't think so.

 

Welcome to human behavior. Where people sometimes do "not quite right" things but that doesn't mean they are "not quite right". People make mistakes. People lie. She didn't kill his brother or steal his dog. She lied about her looks on an online dating profile. He doesn't have to be attracted to her or like her (Despite acknowledging that he did like her personality) but I suspect the fact that he felt guilty of his actions was a signal that he violated his own code of ethics in this regard. And that's why I remain true to the fact that his actiosn are independent of his and it comes down to what kind of man he wants to be.

[J322Y]

But as several people in this thread have posted out, we don't know that she deliberately lied. People's perception of themselves can be very strange... we look in the mirror and see A, and somebody else looks at us and sees B. The woman might have looked at her photographs and gone," Well I've gained a little weight, but not enough to be noticeable." And maybe to people who know her, it ISN'T noticeable. But to a stranger, it'd be immediately apparent. Does that mean she lied? No, it meant she's just like the rest of us.

 

I'm on a fitness plan, and as part of the plan, each of us is supposed to take a photo of ourselves once a week. The reason for this is that we often don't notice the changes in our own bodies, positive or negative. Sometimes you can't even tell by comparing your Week 1 photo to what you see in the mirror (because a photo is a 2-D representation of a 3-D object.) It isn't until you put the photos of past and present next to each other that you go," Whoa!"

 

In other words, the only way this woman might have noticed her weight gain is if she took a current photo of herself and compared the two.

 

Weight can actually be a much more difficult thing to judge change in than, say, age or a receding hair line. That's WHY fitness plans tell you to take pictures, or find more accurate ways to track your progress.

 

I think you just made a great argument for stating your exact weight on your OLD profile. If I had a weight problem I hope I would be brave and honest enough to just put it out there so people could decide in advance if it was a deal breaker for them.

 

Or, if that is too much you might consider putting more effort into making your photos as close to reality as possible. As I posted earlier in this thread.

 

That sounds like a cop out. I took about 100 photos of myself and asked my sister to help me proof them so I had a mostly objective person as a guide. She knew my goal was to post pics that really looked like me and she did a good job because I've been told that mine do. I don't think spending a lot of time with your photos is "obsessing", I think it's being responsible to others and kind to yourself in the long run.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Picture this scenario: you meet a man, become attracted to him, but after sex he ditches you. He says, "Sorry, I just wanted sex. I found you a rather boring person and I only pretended to like you so I could bang you and leave." Do you say, "Oh well. We all lie. I guess I shouldn't judge him since I've lied myself"?

 

Or this scenario: you get into a relationship with a man, but later on your sex life comes to a halt. You find out he watches porn. His explanation, "I lied when I said I was too tired to have sex with you. The truth is I've lost interest and lately I'd prefer to watch porn than be intimate with you." Do you think, "Oh well. We all lie. I shouldn't judge him since I lie myself"?

 

Yes, real good logic.

 

Exactly. Glass houses and stones right? Critizing others for what we may do ourselves in different ways? Doesn't mean he should date her. Doesn't mean she wasn't wrong. Just means that recongnizing the humanity of someone else is usually always a good thing.

 

If she was the one asking for advice, I would be giving it to her. I said that he in no way, shape or form HAD to be attracted to her. Or EVEN continue a friendship with her. I have simply contended that his actions are seperate from her own and it comes down to what kind of man he wants to be. If he wants to treat other people with respect or not. He didn't treat her with respect. That was his choice. Complete seperate of hers.

 

And I'm sorry, but I see varying levels of deceit in someone that posts a picture of them with extra weight then they previously had and someone lying about their intentions and interest in you, using you for your money or body, then discarding you.

 

My point isn't simply "oh well we all lie, and that makes everything okay." Of course lying isn't okay. But I know it happens. And you don't have to like or accept that person but you should still treat them with respect and humanity because there are probably many times when YOU as a person don't act that great.

 

Do you know who was a really great man from our history? Jackie Robinson. People treated him like crap for being an African American to play baseball. He'd come out on the field and they would hurl names at him. And he never struck back. He had every reason to, but he didn't. He conducted himself independent of how the people that treated him badly did. I think this is an issue for the OP because it's at oddes with his own code of ethics. And he knows it. So he feels guilt for it. There is a way he could have handled it that might have had him walking away from the situation feeling differently. And never having to had seen the girl again.

 

ALL of us don't lay out all our bad crap right off the bat. Whether that be physical, mental, emotional or abilities...whatever it may be. I doubt you disclose all the unflattering stuff about yourself to potential dates. I know I don't. I bet you even sometimes tell stories and might add a little here and there to make them seem more interesting to impress dates. Somehow, when it comes to looks, all the sudden it's more offensive then anything else they are probably keeping from you. Which is really funny to me.

 

I will have you know that I have gone out with men that lied about their age, weight, height and other stuff like that. And I still went on those dates. Sometimes I DIDN'T want to see the guy again and other times I did want to see the guy again. I learned to appreciate some of those men despite (the horrors) saying they were a little taller then they actually wore. Which is completely different then someone using you for your money or body. I don't even see how either of those scenarios you used apply. She didn't take anything away from him. She didn't use him for his money. Men that lied to me about their age or height didn't take anything away from me. Those lies wheren't even about me. They were about them and whatever they had internally going on with their own insecurities. I can recongnize that as a human being, give them the time I said I would give them, and if I don't want to see them again, not see them again.

 

Not all lies are created equal.

[lospantalonsfancie]

This thread has gone on too long. Allow me to share my conclusions after reflecting on what everyone said. I regret running away, and I know doing so was wrong. I am actually a very nice guy and I make a point of treating people well. However, recently my life has been rougher than usual, so I had limited emotional energy to humor this person who showed me no courtesy by deceiving me. So, in that moment, I decided to look out for number 1 and spare myself additional anguish. In the future, if faced with an identical scenario, I will not run out in cowardice unless I was at my wit's end, which is not very often. Instead, I will at least tell the person to their face that I am sorry, but they are not who I thought they would be, and apologize for not being able to continue the date.

 

Thank you everyone for your opinions. If its OK, I would now appreciate it if we let this thread die...

[somedude81]

In the future, if faced with an identical scenario, I will not run out in cowardice unless I was at my wit's end, which is not very often. Instead, I will at least tell the person to their face that I am sorry, but they are not who I thought they would be, and apologize for not being able to continue the date.

I believe that's the best course of action for anybody who finds themselves in that situation.

[ascendotum]

I just don't agree with your idea that her lie was just like any other "lie" that people tell on a dating site and that everybody lies like she did. It's just not true. She claimed to look a certain way and she didn't.

 

But you're now probably going to say anyway that she just wasn't aware she had gained that much that she didn't match her old pictures anymore.

 

"just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it." - George Costanza.

Some people think like this, and from her reaction to his apology phone call, I got the impression she's deluding herself that she not as overweight/unattractive to guys as she thinks, and her date site photo is just a better pic of her but its 'still her'!

[xxoo]

Well I didn't recongnize that I had gained the weight I did. So what does that make me? "Not quite right"? I don't think so.

 

For my comfort level, on a date with a stranger and this is my very first impression, yes, that would raise a red flag for me.

 

He doesn't have to be attracted to her or like her (Despite acknowledging that he did like her personality) but I suspect the fact that he felt guilty of his actions was a signal that he violated his own code of ethics in this regard. And that's why I remain true to the fact that his actiosn are independent of his and it comes down to what kind of man he wants to be.

 

I agree he could have reacted better. He knows that, too. He felt bad about what he did.

 

But it was an awkward situation, and he walked in unprepared. Next time, he'll be prepared, having had the chance to reflect and think about how to handle it. I tend to do much better the second time I am put in an awkward situation, having bumbled the first and preparing "something to say" the next time.

[xxoo]

Sorry, OP, I missed your last post before posting again.

 

Sounds understandable to me. Good luck

[grkBoy]

I dunno. I am of the mind that if you're going to lie to me in online dating like that, then don't be surprised if I'm not going to stay very long or want to see you again. I don't care if one might think that weight is a state of mind or what not. If I meet a slender attractive woman online and on the first date she's a hippo, then I move on.

 

I would probably have dinner with her, thank her for a lovely evening, and if she pushes it...I just would tell her I don't feel any chemistry. If she dares to bring up her weight as a ploy to guilt-trip me by painting me as shallow, I'll just come clean and point out that she lied, I'm not attracted to big women, and I see no reason why I should be "nice" or "give the fat girl a chance".

 

Frankly, when the OP cancelled, she probably knew pretty well the reason why. She should post CURRENT photos of herself and stop this. Lord knows I see plenty of fat women finding boyfriends over the hot and skinny ones.

[J322Y]

This thread has gone on too long. Allow me to share my conclusions after reflecting on what everyone said. I regret running away, and I know doing so was wrong. I am actually a very nice guy and I make a point of treating people well. However, recently my life has been rougher than usual, so I had limited emotional energy to humor this person who showed me no courtesy by deceiving me. So, in that moment, I decided to look out for number 1 and spare myself additional anguish. In the future, if faced with an identical scenario, I will not run out in cowardice unless I was at my wit's end, which is not very often. Instead, I will at least tell the person to their face that I am sorry, but they are not who I thought they would be, and apologize for not being able to continue the date.

 

Thank you everyone for your opinions. If its OK, I would now appreciate it if we let this thread die...

 

I think your thread is helping a lot of people examine their attitudes about honesty and integrity.

[Chocolat]

never mind.

Edited February 27, 2012 by Chocolat
saw that the op asked for thread to end

[FitChick]

I think you just made a great argument for stating your exact weight on your OLD profile.

 

I think people should list their measurements, which are far more accurate of shape and size than weight.

 

And for people who don't seem to realize they've gotten fatter, don't buy clothing with elastic waistbands.

[verhrzn]

I think people should list their measurements, which are far more accurate of shape and size than weight.

 

Except hardly anyone can imagine how measurements translate into actual body shape. It required a very special spatial talent-or a long habit of association-to understand how measurements look in real life.

 

For example, my measurements are: 40" shoulders, 36" bust, 32" waist, 37" hips. QUICK, imagine it! I bet you anything the image in your brain doesn't look anything like what I actually am.

 

Posting weight is also deceptive, because some people carry weight in different places, and some people hide their weight really well. Pictures can ALSO be deceptive, as previously described-lighting, posing, clothing style, etc. can all hide extra body fat in a 2-D photo that a 3-D representation could potentially not.

 

Maybe it would just be a better policy to assume that when online dating, the person is going to present themselves in the best light, that may not always be the most accurate. I really don't understand the need to demand 100% honesty from a complete stranger who you're freaking having coffee with. Get to know them, THEN decide if they're a liar/horrible human being who deserves your scorn and apathy, because you are, obviously, a wonderful person who has never hidden your own flaws.

[J322Y]

Except hardly anyone can imagine how measurements translate into actual body shape. It required a very special spatial talent-or a long habit of association-to understand how measurements look in real life.

 

For example, my measurements are: 40" shoulders, 36" bust, 32" waist, 37" hips. QUICK, imagine it! I bet you anything the image in your brain doesn't look anything like what I actually am.

 

Posting weight is also deceptive, because some people carry weight in different places, and some people hide their weight really well. Pictures can ALSO be deceptive, as previously described-lighting, posing, clothing style, etc. can all hide extra body fat in a 2-D photo that a 3-D representation could potentially not.

 

Maybe it would just be a better policy to assume that when online dating, the person is going to present themselves in the best light, that may not always be the most accurate. I really don't understand the need to demand 100% honesty from a complete stranger who you're freaking having coffee with. Get to know them, THEN decide if they're a liar/horrible human being who deserves your scorn and apathy, because you are, obviously, a wonderful person who has never hidden your own flaws.

 

You do your best to represent yourself accurately for your own benefit primarily. Telling the truth isn't common in our culture, but it's the far easier way to be.

 

And seriously, if you can't figure out how to accurately convey your dimensions you just aren't trying.

[zengirl]

I think people should list their measurements, which are far more accurate of shape and size than weight.

 

And for people who don't seem to realize they've gotten fatter, don't buy clothing with elastic waistbands.

 

Well, I don't know a single man who could get a woman's measurements right by looking at her. Nor would many women be able to envision a man by his measurements. I think pictures are generally more effective. People could just as easily lie about measurements (more easily!) than put up old/misleading pictures.

 

And as V says, people do carry weight in different places. Measurements may show this, but they also may not. Unless we're talking measuring everything, including like arm and calf width and such.

[verhrzn]

You do your best to represent yourself accurately for your own benefit primarily. Telling the truth isn't common in our culture, but it's the far easier way to be.

 

And seriously, if you can't figure out how to accurately convey your dimensions you just aren't trying.

 

Seriously, you've never met ANYONE who looks different from their photos? How do you explain people being "photogenic".... that in real life, they're attractive, but behind the camera, DAMN. If that is true, why can't the opposite be true, that some people are very attractive in real life but look like the human equivalent of the Pedo Bear in photos.

 

Some people just can't take photos, or take photos that are more attractive than they are. This does not make them liars or deceptive jerks, but... ya know.... human. Why is this such a difficult thing to grasp?

[J322Y]

Well, I don't know a single man who could get a woman's measurements right by looking at her. Nor would many women be able to envision a man by his measurements. I think pictures are generally more effective. People could just as easily lie about measurements (more easily!) than put up old/misleading pictures.

 

And as V says, people do carry weight in different places. Measurements may show this, but they also may not. Unless we're talking measuring everything, including like arm and calf width and such.

 

It really doesn't need to be so complicated. If you have weight issues you can deal with that honestly by posting your height/weight and some photos that show your shape as objectively as possible. Actually, proper photos should be close enough, but some people don't seem to able to manage that alone so adding the other data will portray you accurately and you can avoid misleading someone.

 

I was deceived by a woman about her weight. She had to know that it was obvious (she said 15 lbs over, it was 50 lbs) so I've done some thinking about her motivation. In her case I think she was going for a man who would be weak-willed enough to accept her deception and go ahead with a relationship anyway. If that's the type of man that a woman is looking for then by all means go ahead and be deceptive. It takes all types of relationships to make the world.

[J322Y]

Seriously, you've never met ANYONE who looks different from their photos? How do you explain people being "photogenic".... that in real life, they're attractive, but behind the camera, DAMN. If that is true, why can't the opposite be true, that some people are very attractive in real life but look like the human equivalent of the Pedo Bear in photos.

 

Some people just can't take photos, or take photos that are more attractive than they are. This does not make them liars or deceptive jerks, but... ya know.... human. Why is this such a difficult thing to grasp?

 

So, it's impossible for you to accurately represent your body shape in a photo? C'mon, you can't believe that.

[verhrzn]

So, it's impossible for you to accurately represent your body shape in a photo? C'mon, you can't believe that.

 

Actually, I do believe that. And I've been told that several times. Photos never look like me. It doesn't matter the lighting, the clothing, whatever. They just don't resemble me. It isn't that strange... photos are 2-D while life is 3-D, so there is a strong possibility of disconnect.

[zengirl]

It really doesn't need to be so complicated. If you have weight issues you can deal with that honestly by posting your height/weight and some photos that show your shape as objectively as possible. Actually, proper photos should be close enough, but some people don't seem to able to manage that alone so adding the other data will portray you accurately and you can avoid misleading someone.

 

I was deceived by a woman about her weight. She had to know that it was obvious (she said 15 lbs over, it was 50 lbs) so I've done some thinking about her motivation. In her case I think she was going for a man who would be weak-willed enough to accept her deception and go ahead with a relationship anyway. If that's the type of man that a woman is looking for then by all means go ahead and be deceptive. It takes all types of relationships to make the world.

 

I think posting reasonably current photos that look like you and making note of any ways they don't look like you is just smart and polite in OLD. That was always what I did. FTR, I'm not overweight, nor am I photogenic (I actually hate pics of myself, though it's not like the camera turns me into Elephant (Wo)Man or something and professional pics turn out fine), so it was never a problem, so what do I know.

 

Minor differences from photos never made me feel like guys were lying, though sometimes even if a guy looked exactly like I expected, I didn't dig him after seeing him in person. Hey, it happens. I don't see the big deal unless it's some kind of obvious lie. Pictures may make you look slightly better or worse than you are, but if they're current, they're probably accurate enough---and easier than trying to analyze measurements was all I was saying. Except for my bra size, I don't purchase anything by measurements, so I'm not even sure of all of mine, honestly.

[verhrzn]

Then one option is to write in your profile "I look bigger in real life than in my photos". Or mention it when you are e-mailing/chatting with a prospect.

 

Which smacks of insecurity, and THEN they'll accuse me of "lying" with my photos.

 

Like I said, unattractive girls really can't win. If they tell the absolute honest truth, then they're labeled insecure, not confident. But if they present themselves in the best light (which EVERYBODY does, to some degree or another) then they are liar who deserve to be ditched in the middle of a date.

[FitChick]

Wear a bathing suit or leotard, face the camera, then turn sideways. Like those 'before' photos for weight loss. You can't really hide anything.

[J322Y]

Actually, I do believe that. And I've been told that several times. Photos never look like me. It doesn't matter the lighting, the clothing, whatever. They just don't resemble me. It isn't that strange... photos are 2-D while life is 3-D, so there is a strong possibility of disconnect.

 

You need help with photography. It isn't a precision exercise, the idea is to give a reasonable approximation of your shape to a potential date.

[J322Y]

Which smacks of insecurity, and THEN they'll accuse me of "lying" with my photos.

 

Like I said, unattractive girls really can't win. If they tell the absolute honest truth, then they're labeled insecure, not confident. But if they present themselves in the best light (which EVERYBODY does, to some degree or another) then they are liar who deserve to be ditched in the middle of a date.

 

If you "can't win" it's because you're defeating yourself.