verhrzn Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 If you "can't win" it's because you're defeating yourself. No, it's that being fat is unacceptable in the dating world. Fat people aren't allowed to "lie" and put their best foot forward. Nearly every person I know who does OLD omits or outright lies about SOME big flaw from their profile... they "want a long-term relationship" (psyche, not really, but they'll keep dating you casually!) They're a "social drinker" (oh no, they actually party hard core every weekend, but since they don't do it during the work week it doesn't count right?) They "like cats" (actually, they're super allergic, but they like them, so that's not lying right?) Being fat/ugly is just an obvious lie, and frankly, it isn't even one that a lot of people do on purpose. (As I and Disenchanted have explained OVER and over and over again.) And yet people who post "flattering" pictures of themselves (which is what you're supposed to DO on profiles) get dragged through the mud, and the most rude, inexcusable behavior excused. If people's time and energy is so precious that they demand guarantees that what they see is what they get, then they are missing the point of dating and, frankly, of relationships. There are no guarantees, and an insistance that someone be exactly how they marketed themselves is nothing but a selfish, consumeristic demand. Such a lie did not HARM you, the other person, in any way, except "a waste of time." Which guess what-ALL dating is. EVERY failed coffee date, for whatever reason, is a waste of time. That doesn't mean you get to berate or humiliate the person because of YOUR expectations and perceptions. Everybody lies. Frankly, if someone being a little more overweight (and yes, I am including 50 lbs in that) is the very worst lie/flaw a person put on their profile, and was 100% honest otherwise, I'd be more than happy to sit down and have a cup of coffee with them like a decent human being. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
J322Y Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 No, it's that being fat is unacceptable in the dating world. Fat people aren't allowed to "lie" and put their best foot forward. Nearly every person I know who does OLD omits or outright lies about SOME big flaw from their profile... they "want a long-term relationship" (psyche, not really, but they'll keep dating you casually!) They're a "social drinker" (oh no, they actually party hard core every weekend, but since they don't do it during the work week it doesn't count right?) They "like cats" (actually, they're super allergic, but they like them, so that's not lying right?) Being fat/ugly is just an obvious lie, and frankly, it isn't even one that a lot of people do on purpose. (As I and Disenchanted have explained OVER and over and over again.) And yet people who post "flattering" pictures of themselves (which is what you're supposed to DO on profiles) get dragged through the mud, and the most rude, inexcusable behavior excused. If people's time and energy is so precious that they demand guarantees that what they see is what they get, then they are missing the point of dating and, frankly, of relationships. There are no guarantees, and an insistance that someone be exactly how they marketed themselves is nothing but a selfish, consumeristic demand. Such a lie did not HARM you, the other person, in any way, except "a waste of time." Which guess what-ALL dating is. EVERY failed coffee date, for whatever reason, is a waste of time. That doesn't mean you get to berate or humiliate the person because of YOUR expectations and perceptions. Everybody lies. Frankly, if someone being a little more overweight (and yes, I am including 50 lbs in that) is the very worst lie/flaw a person put on their profile, and was 100% honest otherwise, I'd be more than happy to sit down and have a cup of coffee with them like a decent human being. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Frankly, if someone being a little more overweight (and yes, I am including 50 lbs in that) Being 50 lbs. overweight is generally considered obese unless you happen to be very tall. People may look slightly different when they pose at different angles but not so much as to be unrecognizable. Barbra Streisand always faces the camera with her left side but if you saw her right side you'd still know it was her. Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 This thread has gone on too long. Allow me to share my conclusions after reflecting on what everyone said. I regret running away, and I know doing so was wrong. I am actually a very nice guy and I make a point of treating people well. However, recently my life has been rougher than usual, so I had limited emotional energy to humor this person who showed me no courtesy by deceiving me. So, in that moment, I decided to look out for number 1 and spare myself additional anguish. In the future, if faced with an identical scenario, I will not run out in cowardice unless I was at my wit's end, which is not very often. Instead, I will at least tell the person to their face that I am sorry, but they are not who I thought they would be, and apologize for not being able to continue the date. Thank you everyone for your opinions. If its OK, I would now appreciate it if we let this thread die... That's what I assumed, too. I don't understand why some posters have to go on and on about your "horrible" behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 No, it's that being fat is unacceptable in the dating world. Fat people aren't allowed to "lie" and put their best foot forward. Nearly every person I know who does OLD omits or outright lies about SOME big flaw from their profile... they "want a long-term relationship" (psyche, not really, but they'll keep dating you casually!) They're a "social drinker" (oh no, they actually party hard core every weekend, but since they don't do it during the work week it doesn't count right?) They "like cats" (actually, they're super allergic, but they like them, so that's not lying right?) Being fat/ugly is just an obvious lie, and frankly, it isn't even one that a lot of people do on purpose. (As I and Disenchanted have explained OVER and over and over again.) And yet people who post "flattering" pictures of themselves (which is what you're supposed to DO on profiles) get dragged through the mud, and the most rude, inexcusable behavior excused. If people's time and energy is so precious that they demand guarantees that what they see is what they get, then they are missing the point of dating and, frankly, of relationships. There are no guarantees, and an insistance that someone be exactly how they marketed themselves is nothing but a selfish, consumeristic demand. Such a lie did not HARM you, the other person, in any way, except "a waste of time." Which guess what-ALL dating is. EVERY failed coffee date, for whatever reason, is a waste of time. That doesn't mean you get to berate or humiliate the person because of YOUR expectations and perceptions. Everybody lies. Frankly, if someone being a little more overweight (and yes, I am including 50 lbs in that) is the very worst lie/flaw a person put on their profile, and was 100% honest otherwise, I'd be more than happy to sit down and have a cup of coffee with them like a decent human being. Most people aren't interested in dating liars, nor are most people interested in dating overweight/obese people.. and that won't change no matter how many wall of shame type posts you produce. If I show up to meet a person from an OLD site & it's clear they posted a picture that grossly misrepresents their appearance, I'm not staying for a pity coffee or drink. I will however tell them flat out why I won't be sitting down with them. You're fat, you lied about it figuring you could play me for stupid, you wasted my time good bye. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 For my comfort level, on a date with a stranger and this is my very first impression, yes, that would raise a red flag for me. XXoo, have you ever lied to someone? Either a stranger or someone you cared about? Link to post Share on other sites
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 I think your thread is helping a lot of people examine their attitudes about honesty and integrity. Ain't that the truth! Link to post Share on other sites
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Most people aren't interested in dating liars, nor are most people interested in dating overweight/obese people.. and that won't change no matter how many wall of shame type posts you produce. If I show up to meet a person from an OLD site & it's clear they posted a picture that grossly misrepresents their appearance, I'm not staying for a pity coffee or drink. I will however tell them flat out why I won't be sitting down with them. You're fat, you lied about it figuring you could play me for stupid, you wasted my time good bye. Most people ARE liars are some scale. UNless you've never lied to anyone about anything SoSerious. I also think you are trying to shame Verhzn for her opinion, much the same way you accuse her of "wall of shame type posts". It could be just that we all see it differently and no one is trying to "shame" anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 XXoo, have you ever lied to someone? Either a stranger or someone you cared about? Sure, I've lied in certain situations. And I would lie in this situation, making up a reason that I "need to go". It isn't about whether or not people lie. It is about a first impression being "omg, he lied. Why the heck did he lie about something so obvious? What the heck is going on here???" Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 I like this a lot. I said before I would walk away without saying anything but Soserious way of handling sounds good too. More confrontational but very honest and direct. I like it a lot. Trust me, I'm not looking to "confront" people when I go out on a date but if I go to meet up with somebody from an OLD site & he's so heavy my initial urge is to leave without saying hello, then he's clearly posted misleading pictures. I won't let somebody stand/ sit in a public place waiting for me to appear, but I'm not going to lie about why I won't be staying & I won't sugar coat my reasons either. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Most people ARE liars are some scale. UNless you've never lied to anyone about anything SoSerious. I also think you are trying to shame Verhzn for her opinion, much the same way you accuse her of "wall of shame type posts". It could be just that we all see it differently and no one is trying to "shame" anyone. I don't want to waste money & time sitting down for coffee or drinks with an overweight/obese person who's attempted to mislead me about that status.No matter how much or how often people like you or Verhzn attempt to shame me into thinking I should do so. And no, I don't "lie" about my age, weight, height or my intentions on the adult OLD sites I frequent. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Exactly. It's not gender specific either. Me and SoSerious1 are both FEMALE; meaning we would not waste our time with a fatty guy who lied about his weight. It's not gender specific; it applies to both males and females. Lying about your weight by 50lbs is insane! That's almost half a person that is petite (Yes there are people out there who weigh 100 lbs.)... Lying by 50 lbs means you are morbidly obese or got serious issues. That is not normal.... Imho, even lying about your age by 15 lbs is huge.... 5 lbs is ok but anything over that.... And no, I've never lied about my weight. People use OLD sites to be able to filter through a large number of prospective partners in order to find people they think they would be compatible with. Unless you're a pro athlete chances are good if you're a 250 pound man I'm not going to be interested in you if I should meet you in real time... Posting a pic of yourself at 200 pounds on an OLD site isn't going to increase the chances that I'll be attracted to you when we meet in real time. All you're going to do is annoy me because you've wasted my time. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 No; people do not get a free pass of sympathy for being overweight. Being fat does not give you a free pass to lie. Your logic is illogical. Giving the reason that "everyone lies so it's ok to lie", do you also agree that it is ok to lie to the cops? In a court of law? People who do this are involved in perjury and can go to JAIL. Somewhere along the line some overweight/obese folks got the idea that if they post misleading pictures & engage in lengthy email & phone contacts that prospective dates from an OLD site will magically overlook their overweight/ obese bodies because of their winning personalities. All the more reason to insist on meeting someone in real time very quickly & dropping those people who stall or drag their feet. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Some overweight/obese folks got the idea that if they post misleading pictures & engage in lengthy email & phone contacts that prospective dates from an OLD site will magically overlook their overweight/ obese bodies because of their winning personalities. I've met a couple of guys like that over the years. It was never a love match for me but I was able to keep them as friends so it wasn't a total waste of time. They went on to marry women who, strangely enough, looked a lot like me. Link to post Share on other sites
Negative Nancy Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 And no, I don't "lie" about my age, weight, height or my intentions on the adult OLD sites I frequent. I hope for the sake of argument that you also don't use any make up or hair coloring, high heels or padded bras or anything like that, because that is deception as well. One of the men you meet up with might say "You're a plain jane, you lied about it figuring you could play me for stupid, you wasted my time good bye." Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 I hope for the sake of argument that you also don't use any make up or hair coloring, high heels or padded bras or anything like that, because that is deception as well. One of the men you meet up with might say "You're a plain jane, you lied about it figuring you could play me for stupid, you wasted my time good bye." Men who are so adamant about a woman not wearing makeup or perfume will generally say so in their profiles. I avoid them. Link to post Share on other sites
J322Y Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 I hope for the sake of argument you also don't use any make up or hair coloring, high heels or padded bras or anything like that, because that is deception as well. One of the men you meet up with might say "You're a plain jane, you lied about it figuring you could play me for stupid, you wasted my time good bye." I think padding a bra is similar to misleading people about your weight, but make up, hair color, etc. is so common as to be assumed. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 (edited) I hope for the sake of argument that you also don't use any make up or hair coloring, high heels or padded bras or anything like that, because that is deception as well. One of the men you meet up with might say "You're a plain jane, you lied about it figuring you could play me for stupid, you wasted my time good bye." Actually I don't wear any of those things in my everyday life, besides, I frequent adult OLD sites, if a man & I meet & like each others looks I'm going to be naked and on all fours within 2 hours of our 1st meeting. No lies or deceptive pics to attempt to sugar coat or cover up the naked truth! Edited February 27, 2012 by soserious1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thieves Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 OP, take a second, and listen: You have to know that online dating is not always an honest deal. Fact. You know this. You're not a dumb lad. You know that as well. Among straight-out liars within its premises, with the advent of the internet also comes different types of liars: identity thieves, undercover pedophiles, and other people of a deceitful nature. Even if the latter ones are obviously a bit more extreme... My point is, I do think you were a bit rude to run off on that woman the way you did, while at the same time... I can relate. I know it's lame to be deceived; I know it makes you feel like you wasted your time, upset, and like a fool. But put yourself in this woman's shoes, too. Yes, you feel she deceived you -- intentionally or unintentionally, who knows? Yet no matter what the reason or what the cause, imagine yourself as that woman left standing and waiting on a date because the person you were meant to meet decided it was too embarrassing, too shameful, awkward, or painful to be seen with you. Imagine the gut-wrenching sting of pain that this would cause in your chest once you realized why, even if just for a few seconds. Look inside yourself, and think about that. Nobody likes to feel that way. Obviously, right? I truly believe you would've been much better off going back in and being completely honest with her. No need to stay a whole fifteen minutes, or an hour. You could've told her that you need to be honest with her: that you're sure she's a wonderful person (with a great personality), but the difference between her real life appearance and her photos doesn't gel well with you, and you can't go forward with her. Simple. Non-negotiable. Honest and hurtful? Yes. Respectable? Yes. Hard as hell to say to their face? Hell yes. But not all things in life are so "easy, breezy" to do. I've never had personal experience with this sitch, but if I were the woman here, I'd probably be pissed that a man I was excited to meet thought I looked repulsive and totally different from my photos... but I'd also give him props for being honest. And you know what? I bet I'd get over it eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
ffw Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 Thieves, Long time no see. Welcome back. Link to post Share on other sites
Thieves Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 Thieves, Long time no see. Welcome back. Thank you, kind sir! And I see that Loveshack now has a "Like" button for posts. Has it really been that long? Oh, the craziness! Link to post Share on other sites
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 Sure, I've lied in certain situations. And I would lie in this situation, making up a reason that I "need to go". It isn't about whether or not people lie. It is about a first impression being "omg, he lied. Why the heck did he lie about something so obvious? What the heck is going on here???" I see. So you lying is okay and is not indictive of your ability to carry out, for the most part, healthy relationships right? But someone else lying is completely different thing and would indicate an unhealthiness you alluded to. Is it somehow worse to lie based on first impressions or is it better to lie to people you know and love? I can't seem to find either one "worse" or "better" then the other. Although, someone lying about having a spouse and someone lying about hteir weight seem to have a significant difference on the scale of lying. I just can't figure out why you think lying for first impressions is somehow more egregious then lying to someone you know. I don't think lying about yourself, or not being completely self aware (because who of us are totally self realized people with a 100% perfection), is indicitive of someone's inability to carry on a healthy relationship. We all go things to work on. And whether this person simply lied, or saw themselves a certain way they weren't, it's as egregious as people are making it out to be. Most of us probably have a more flattering opinion of ourselves then who we really are. But not all of us are formatted to put those down in a dating profile like one might have to with their looks. I certain don't start off my relationships with men telling them all my bad qualities. I don't know anyone that does. Link to post Share on other sites
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 I don't want to waste money & time sitting down for coffee or drinks with an overweight/obese person who's attempted to mislead me about that status.No matter how much or how often people like you or Verhzn attempt to shame me into thinking I should do so. And no, I don't "lie" about my age, weight, height or my intentions on the adult OLD sites I frequent. Umm, I am not trying to shame you for anything. Only pointing out that everyone lies. Ultimately, each individual will decide what is harmful to them to lie about. But just because you haven't lied on your online dating profiles, doesn't mean you don't ever lie. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 No; people do not get a free pass of sympathy for being overweight. Being fat does not give you a free pass to lie. Your logic is illogical. Giving the reason that "everyone lies so it's ok to lie", do you also agree that it is ok to lie to the cops? In a court of law? People who do this are involved in perjury and can go to JAIL. Actually, I said nothing about people getting a free pass because they are fat. My points is more along the lines of glass houses and stones. And I never once said that "everyone lies so it's okay to lie". What I did say, is that most people do lie about something at some point. And having enough self awareness to see something in yourself will force you to see the humanity in others as well, and in turn respond differently when presented with difficult situations. That doesn't mean you have to go out with this person or even like them. But it would change how you treat them in response to what they did that was in poor form. My comments are only to show the reality that we probably, at some point, all have engaged in the same behavior on a surface level that this person is. And by "surface level", I don't mean someone's looks. As I said a million times in this thread. Lying is not right. It should be avoided. But people do it. And some lying is infact less egregious then others. But maybe you never ever lie Breals. Congrats. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 28, 2012 Share Posted February 28, 2012 I see. So you lying is okay and is not indictive of your ability to carry out, for the most part, healthy relationships right? But someone else lying is completely different thing and would indicate an unhealthiness you alluded to. Is it somehow worse to lie based on first impressions or is it better to lie to people you know and love? I can't seem to find either one "worse" or "better" then the other. Although, someone lying about having a spouse and someone lying about hteir weight seem to have a significant difference on the scale of lying. I just can't figure out why you think lying for first impressions is somehow more egregious then lying to someone you know. I don't think lying about yourself, or not being completely self aware (because who of us are totally self realized people with a 100% perfection), is indicitive of someone's inability to carry on a healthy relationship. We all go things to work on. And whether this person simply lied, or saw themselves a certain way they weren't, it's as egregious as people are making it out to be. Most of us probably have a more flattering opinion of ourselves then who we really are. But not all of us are formatted to put those down in a dating profile like one might have to with their looks. I certain don't start off my relationships with men telling them all my bad qualities. I don't know anyone that does. I didn't say any of those things about better or worse. I said it would alarm me if the first impression I got was a revealed lie. If it would not alarm you, ok. But it would alarm me. Link to post Share on other sites
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