3 months in -- over the honeymoon phase or just lost interest?

[conehead]

My longest relationship was less than a year, and he was someone I never felt 'in love' with or was that attracted to.

 

A year ago I dated a guy and was really into him and thought he was the one...but after 2.5 months I could not stand him anymore...everything he did annoyed me and I broke up with him...I felt so awful as I did not understand how my feelings just changed like that. We never had sex and I never took birth control pills.

 

I met another guy a few months later and he's my latest bf who I've been dating for 3.5 months. I was also initially madly in love with him and wanted to see him everyday, but then around the 2-3 month mark my feelings once again changed. I wouldn't say I'm annoyed at him at all...just that I don't have that crazy need and desire to see him every second of every day anymore. When I see him now, I don't have this desire to jump him bones...(I started birth control pills OTCL 1.5 months ago and I wonder if that can be related) and I only semi-enjoy his company. I don't know why this is the case.

 

On top of this, I do have some issues with him. He makes only one-third my salary...he is not really educated and has dreams of being successful but isn't really doing much yet to get to it...i on the other hand have a university degree and amazing career. He has no savings AT ALL, but he does have a house and car already fully paid off. I'm afraid of what my parents will think of this..they for sure will not like him.

 

Also, if we get married, we will have to live with his mom who is really nice but I always wanted a home of my own not to be shared with in laws. His dad will live in the house half the time (its really bad because his dad goes to his known mistress the other half -- his family is dysfunctional). My bf lives with his mom because he wants to take care of her as she does not know english and has no job...so I admire this, but it is not ideal for marriage.

 

He is really sweet, caring, generous with me...getting me all the things I want, got me flowers and a gorgeous purse for valentines day, put a puzzle of 1000 pieces together for me, help me move etc...he has alot of the great qualities that alot of guys with healthy families, education and career don't necessarily have. It's a dilemma...I'm not sure if this is the right route for me....I care about him, but need to think long term.

Edited February 24, 2012 by conehead

[conehead]

Given I have never had a long relationship, I take it that I am mostly the one with the issue of losing interest for whatever reason (boredom, not understanding how to really love after the lust wears out, etc)....however that does not dispute the issues of his education and living with his mom...

[Bridgey]

Sounds like you're just over the initial excitement of the new relationship. You're seeing him now without the fog the honeymoon phase brings with new relationships and you aren't all that thrilled with what you see in him. And thats fine, just break things off with him before he gets too attached.

[conehead]

However no one is perfect...I'm almost 30, if I keep walking away from every guy after a few months of dating because things aren't 100% peachy, I will be single forever. I feel I have an issue if I never had a long term relationship.

 

I do want to get married and have kids one day, but I have never even experienced true, deep love before. It's sad. I think perhaps I need to give it more time with this current guy...I need to give love a shot...its hard though given the issues at hand....maybe it's a hump I will get over...I just want to be happy

[plowguy1]

Keep moving, you have NO IDEA the devaststation you will cause a few years and kids down the road, when you tell him you're "not happy"

[Emilia]

It sounds to me that you pick guys randomly without any thought for long term potential. You don't like your current guy because you don't see a future with him as he is not ambitious and isn't educated.

 

You have to pick men more carefully and that will mean going without from time to time. You will be more successful at finding someone for long term though.

[conehead]

You guys do have a point...however, I have never discussed any of these issues with him yet:

 

1) How can I discuss with him my concerns that he tells me he wants to be successful and thinks he will be yet he spends most of his time playing video game? How can I bring it up without hurting his feelings?

 

2) I did suggest that if we live with his mom that we get a duplex house...where we'd have the front lot and his mom (and dad half the time) will get the back lot...he didn't seem too excited about the idea but agreed that it sounds fair. HOWEVER, I have not expressed how uncool I am that his dad will be there half the time...i mean his dad has two families and shares half his time with each family. His dad truly disgusts me and I don't know if I can stand having him around half the time.

 

3) As for my seemingly loss in interest (or is it just I'm over the honeymoon phase)....I'm not sure if that's something to even bring up because I fear that if I bring it up it will just doom the relationship.

 

I mean I should at least discuss these things with him as opposed to just breaking up out of the blue right?

[Mme. Chaucer]

You buy way too much into initial infatuation feelings - and on top of that, it seems that you can "catch" those feelings for just about any guy you date.

 

The "annoying" guy - I remember him. He sounded like a complete basket case.

 

Why are you even THINKING about getting married to a guy

 

1) that you've been dating 3 months

 

2) who has a work ethic and values completely different than your own

 

And why on Earth are you talking about getting married and living with his mother???

 

When you are in the "getting to know each other" phase, which you are in NOW, you are GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER. Now that you have learned that this guy wants to spend most of his time playing video games and plans to spend his life living with his mom, you have learned ENOUGH to know he is NOT YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND.

 

Why talk about all of this? You will not change him into a different person, and it's wrong, a waste of time and just plain fruitless to try to work with a person's "potential." Which, from what you have posted, this guy doesn't show much of anyway.

 

Once you understand that not just any guy who you date is husband material for you, you might be ready to understand that the initial "honeymoon phase" does not last forever and that other, stronger things will take its place in a viable relationship. But you haven't had one yet.

 

BREAK UP.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think you're going into these relationships for the wrong reasons, you're probably sizing them up and anticipating they'll make good partners, you get in your own head and them bam...the real person shows up and you're like...who the hell is this? Is this the person I want to be with?

 

That's what it sounds like at least. I'm not sure how you can imagine such big commitments when you're not even mildly in love with these guys...it seems you've put status and security above all else...maybe that's just your parents doing implanting that in choosing your suitors.

 

I would really do some reflection, and try and understand what you want and what you're really looking for...what's going to make you happy. Without understanding that It's just going to be you going round and round with men that don't really even fascinate you all that much, it just seems so dull and void, emotional detachment on your part.

 

You seem like the type that will have your mind made up though and likely choose the more rational choice, however I hope you realize what you're sacrifice in doing so...you may force yourself to stay in this relationship/marriage in the future, thinking this is what It's all about...but you'll probably always wonder and feel like you might be missing out on more...I guess it just depends on how well you can give that up, and settle for something less satisfying for the sake of living this idealistic life you seem encouraged by yourself and your parents to pursue above all else.

 

If you don't believe it's not going to happen, and If you're unwilling to experience love and take chances...then your ships going to sail pretty soon...a think a part of you will always regret it though and fight it.