Devastated about "the one". Please, please help and give me your opinion!

[nallina]

Please help me, I really need your advice or I am going crazy.

 

My boyfriend is "the one" and I really enjoy being with him. We have been together for 2 years and he treats me so nicely and we love each other a lot! He is very committed and has never disappointed me. Just a great guy.

 

With one "insolvable" problem: He has had a wild past and a lot of one night stands and girlfriends. Now, I am 30, slept with two people as I always believed in sex being between two people who love each other.

 

Anyway, I can sort of cope with his past but cannot cope with the fact that he is still in contact with a lot of his exes- and ex-one night stands!

 

I usually freak out when he gets contacted by them by sms. He hardly ever goes out with one of them until last night.

 

He had to go on a business trip to New York (where he is from). Throughout his trip he sent me all this love messages, calls every day as he always does.

 

On Saturday night I called him and asked him whether he was having a good time. As I am seriously a bit psychic and he received an sms from an ex about 3 weeks ago i just said: "are you out with Stephanie?" and he said, yes, how do you know. We are all out in a group.

 

I exploded and broke up with him over the phone as I was so hurt!

 

So, he said he hadn't told me about going out with them because of how I would react.

 

My question: does a girlfriend really have be continually be reminded of her boyfriend's past. Does he really have a right to still go out with these girls.

 

Why does he want to? I mean, he says they're very old friends but I CANNOT LIVE WITH IT and am about to break up the most beautiful relationship I have ever had!

 

Please help me!

[4getful]

I just cant believe that you actually lasted 2 years with a man like that.I think the same as you, that sex is a union between two people who love each other. But the truth is, this age is one where sex is easy to get and give. Even women are bragging about their sexual escapades, like getting an award or something. Just try to talk to him and make him choose. If he treats you as nicely as you describe it, how come he is a having all this one-night stands with his exes(is this a word?).Think about it carefully. You should love him, but you should also love yourself.

[greatneck]

I know that I would fell the sameway yo do. BUT look at it this way. HE didnt lie to you about anything. Now he didnt tell you he would be out with Stephnie because he didnt wnt to deal with your reaction. I guess he knows you pretty well because he was right. Your reaction was that you dumped him. I react the same way in my relationship and she doesnt tell me certain things either. Thats my fault I act like an Ahole. You should let him knwo that you are not comfotable with his contact with these women. But if he is the one dont let it go. Just love the guy. It sounds like he loves you. As hard as you look you will never find perfection in someone. Although he does sound like he has alot of good qaulities. Also if his exes still like him enough to be freinds with him he must not have done them wrong.

 

Its a tough thing to deal with But its your decision. You can come to accept it if you want to

[lilian]

Hi!

 

Well I posted under the name nallina because there is something wrong with my cookies at home but I am actually a registered member (Lilian)!

 

Anyway, thanks for your advice on this pain I am going through!

 

I just still DO NOT know what to do!! As I said my boyfriend and I shared the most beautiful love. I mean I have had guys in love with me before and never really had a problem in this perspective but this one was just PERFECT!

 

He made/ makes me so happy and everybody (all of his and my friends) kept commenting on us and how happy they are for us.

 

Needless to say, that it was the first time in my life where I really opened up as I felt "protected" and safe! Sure of this great love.

 

Until I found out that my boyfriend is still in contact with quite a few of his ex-girlfriends and ex-bonks. Now, he doesn't see them often, maybe 4 times a year and then actually always in a group with other people.

 

Unfortunately, the ex-girlfriends he is still in contact with belong to his big circle of friends and he has known them throughout childhood. And there is about two ex-bonks he is still in contact with but still doesn't go on private dinners with them or anything but maybe some quick lunch about twice or three times a year.

 

And, we are meeting them at parties of course.

 

Fact is, I cannot deal with it. I know that he loved his ex-girlfriends and the very thought of him meeting them breaks my hurt! He is the most understanding guy in EVERYTHING, listens to me for ever on any silly stuff I come up with!

 

But on this subject he just says: " You make me chose between my friends and you and I am not going to do that!"

 

Well, hell! Why did he have to sleep with his friends ???!!!!

 

I mean I have a lot of very attractive male friends who I have known for years but NEVER EVER would jump in bed with them and never have. So my boyfriend has nothing to worry about!

 

He at the contrary shared intimacy with a few of his friends and expects me to be cool on it!

 

Please guys help! My friends are no good as they all tell me to walk but then again have the same strict upbringing and are very catholic.

 

I do not want to lose him as I will never find someone like him but does that mean I have to take this ****??

[4getful]

just imagine this:would it be okay for him if some of your other male friends were having sex with you?If you love someone, and this is just my own opinion, sex would be a no-no if its not with the one who claims to love you.Just ask him if its okay for you to have sex with some of your male friends occasionaly, and if that's okay, then I dont think he really loves you.If he really loves you, then he would limit his person to you exclusively!-

[guest]

On this subject he just says: " You make me chose between my friends and you and I am not going to do that!"

 

Translation1: If I have to make that decision, you're going to lose.

 

Translation2: Can't you see that my friends have priority over you?

 

By the way, based on what you've told us and judging from his behavior, even if he might be the one for you, YOU are NOT the one for him.

 

If you read the other posts on this forum, you'll see that people who are in love don't go around keeping secrets from each other even if it might cause an argument or two. Also, people who are in love are sensitive to to their partner's feelings re: ex-lovers and don't continue to hang out w/ their ex-lovers in secret (even if it is w/ a group of people).

[Unlucky In Love]

I was in the same boat as you until a few months ago. I'm 32 and my ex was 33. We had both dated a number of people before getting together. We had a fabulous relationship and the best love I have ever known.

 

But like you, everytime we went out, he's ex's were everywhere. He stilled talked to them on the phone and emailed them constantly. He planned ski trips with them and told me I could come, if I wanted to. I had to put my foot down. I told him to stop having them call. He respected me and did stopping talking to them on the phone. He also reduced the emails.

 

Things were going great and we decided to move in together. Then the ex's started emailing him and asking him why he wasn't available anymore. He then started to resent me, because I was keeping him from seeing his friends. This all exploded one Friday evening at Happy Hour when he arranged to meet one of his ex's there without telling me. I thought he was taking me out, but it was actually to meet her and some of her friends. I approached her in the bar and asked her to stay out of our lives. I had also been told that she insulted me behind me back on several occassions. My boyfriend told me that she had a right to her opinion. I demanded an apology from her and she refused.

 

My bf and I left the bar. We broke up a few weeks later. I told him that he couldn't make the kind of commitment that I wanted because of his continuous contacts with ex's. He told me that I was too possessive and that he wouldn't sleep with me again until I started accepting his female friends.

 

I would hate to see your situation turn out as badly as mine. It sounds like your ex needs to cut ties with some of his ex's before he is ready to move forward in your relationship. The thing in NY doesn't sound that bad, given the fact that he was meeting a group of friends, not just his ex. He probably didn't even do anything with her.

 

You have to accept what I have had to learn. That no one owns anybody else. You can't stop people from seeing their ex's and their friends. I would talk to your bf and see if you can get back together. Tell him that you are uncomfortable with him contacting so many ex's. See what he has to say. Is he willing to change? Maybe...

[lilian]

Hi

 

without disagreeing to your former posts but isn't it a bit harsh to say that I am NOT THE ONE for my boyfriend just because he went out with his ex-girlfriend (they dated about six years ago) in a big group. I have never actually seen it that way because apart from still being in contact with a few of his exes (maybe about 3 girls) and meeting up with them about once a year he treats me really well.

 

One of his exes is married with child and I met her once and whenever my boyfriend meets up with her it's with her husband and their child.

 

So, can you really say that I am not the one for him because he doesn't respect my feelings in this and doesn't cut contacts alltogether?

 

Thank you so much!