I cannot believe it - shes back after 14 months

[BrokenFool]

I never thought this day would ever ever come and literally my hands are shaking whilst i type this but blooming hell NC does work

if you want my back story please see my threads

the year started of with me deciding to not be on facebook anymore or come on loveshack and just focus on myself and finding a job

the odd private number call would still happen and anonymous views on my linkedin profile

so valentines day comes around and i get a card through the post, doesnt say who its from just some nice comments, i later worked out the card had been made on moonpig.com and sent directly to me so i wouldnt know where it had come from - i suspected my ex but hey could have been anyone so didnt think anything off it

then on valentines day i had a anonymous profile look at my linkedin so i set my profile to anonymous and viewed her profile, low and behold next day i had a anonymous view again, so to test the waters and make sure its not a coincidence i set my profile to private and viewed her profile again, and low and behold next day i had a anonymous view again - i did this 5 times in 5 days and then gave up and thought this is childish

anyways fast forward to yesterday afternoon and i am awaiting a call from a recruitment consultant about a job, this recruitment consultant always rings from a private number so when my phone rang number unknown i answered it straight away

 

me: hello

silence

me: hello broken fool speaking

silence

me: hello

her: hi

 

silence

me: ex ? is that you?

her: yes , please dont put the phone down on me i want to talk to you

 

so then she started talking about general things, asking how i am how ive been , how the job search is going and then started crying midway

whats wrong i said why you crying

just hearing your voice and knowing ive not been there for you whilst you been going through all this stress with job searching

she begins to tell me how she regrets how she not only ended things but how she treated me throughout the relationship and how she had not had one nights decent sleep without thinking about me

crying all the way through

how she is so ashamed of how she treated me and had lied to me back in march last year about being with somebody else out of anger and had regretted it as soon as she said it

how she viewed my facebook and linkedin page everyday and admitted she used to ring me private number just hoping i would pick up and she could hear my voice

we spoke for about a hour and a half and she said i would love to see you to talk face to face - thats if your not with somebody else - i declined to answer, even though i am not i thought why should she have that info

i didnt give away anything about myself

i just said look i really wasnt expecting to ever hear from you again never mind what youve said so i need some time to process everything in my mind and think

she said thats fine

she said i do love you it took me a long time to realise that and if you can give me half a chance to work on things and prove to you what you mean to me and how much i want you and want to fix things and make up for the past then i will do anything and walk over broken glass to make things right

i said i dont know i really need time to think and will contact you when am ready - which she was ok with

 

speaking to her , hearing her voice has me in a right tizzle whilst at the same time i am feeling a little bit validated that if you really truly loved someone they lose in the long run even if you lost in the short run

 

could really do with some advice - wilson, smokey, mike, anybody

 

feel like im floating out of my body

 

this is surrreal

[Philosoraptor]

What do you want out of this?

 

If you want another go at things you need to speak about the past relationship's issues before you start anything back up. If she truly wants to try again she will give you all of the answers you need in order for you to be able to trust her intentions here. It does seem like she is willing to make the effort, but make sure you feel like your feet are on the ground and you are comfortable before making another go at things.

 

Be wary with your heart though. She could have just got dumped for all you know, or had another experience that made her want to run back to a safe spot. If you do not feel secure with her answers you shouldn't expect things to change.

 

Whatever happens I wish you peace through this and the logic to help guide your heart. Take care of yourself first.

[EgoJoe]

Don't contact her for a good long while.

 

Did she actually say she'll walk through broken glass?

[smokey bear]

If you still love her, enjoy the fairytale xx im happy for you

[Exit]

Yikes. I read this thread without any prior knowledge of your situation and my initial reaction was "yay I'm so happy for this guy". Then I decided to check your thread history.

 

Now, I'm not one to talk, my ex treated me terribly and I still wish things could work out, and if I heard from her 14 months down the road I'm not sure what I'd do. But damn... to look back at your old threads and see what this girl put you through...

 

And I see that you were posting threads in December still hurting after 12 months, so I worry that this contact from her is so very tempting to you because it might finally help you escape from the pain of losing her, even if it isn't the right thing to do. You handled it well so far by telling her you need to think and stopping it there, I'll applaud you for that.

 

I just don't know what this girl could even do to try to convince you that she's changed. First I thought you were exaggerating when you said there were 150 breakups but you used that exact number so many times in your posts I'm starting to think you really mean it. So how can someone prove to you that something they did 150 times won't happen again. She would break up with you at the drop of a hat before. You could start talking to her again and get your hopes up, and she'll do it again. Make one wrong move, or wait for this "made up" ex to try to win her back, and she might go right back in the other direction.

 

I wouldn't for a second believe her that she "lied" about being with someone else back in March. It would be tooo easy for this other person to really have existed, but now they broke up, and all she has to do is contact you and say it was a lie all along. She could have been making it up, but maybe not. When you were in the relationship, she lied to you about who some of her male friends were on Facebook. She is perfectly capable of lying about this kind of stuff, she might be doing it again.

 

I just beg you to please be careful. I really doubt this girl changed. Even all the private calls and anonymous views of your websites just shows a strange level of emotional operation, assuming it was her.

 

Maybe it would be good for you yourself to go back and read your first thread you ever posted. I'm sure the memories of what happened are fresh in your mind and you feel like you don't need to, but you need to see the way you worded things when the breakup was still fresh. It sounded like she made you miserable. Remind yourself of that.

 

i know i should have walked away but at the times when i would she would find a reason to contact me and i would be her little puppy again, she would feed me nice thoughts and words, buy me gifts to show me how much she thought of me and the cycle would repeat itself again and again

 

Sound familiar?

 

Honestly I wish I could just tell you to run and never look back, but I'd feel like a hypocrite because I don't know what I'd do if I were in your position. I miss my ex like crazy too, as bad as she was to me.

 

Just realize only you have your best interests in mind, not her. If you start to let this play out and see where it goes, if something bad happens, do not let yourself feel like the victim and say she destroyed you all over again. She is not concerned if she hurts you or not. You need to be the guardian of your well-being.

 

I'm sure your head is spinning right now and I'm not asking for a 100% definitive answer, but just off the top of your head, what is your reaction to what you think you should do?

Edited February 24, 2012 by Exit

[BrokenFool]

Philosoraptor - thanks for your advice , i am taking care of myself thats why i remained completely neutral throughout the conversation, whenever she asked me anything about me i wasnt cold but i didnt give anything away

 

EgoJoe - yeah she said i will do anything you want , she lives 350 miles away and she said i will get in my car and come and see you tmrw, i have 30k in my bank i will transfer it all into your bank account, we can go on holiday together, i will delete my facebook, you can have my phone bill sent to your house, anything to make things better and prove its you i love and you i want i will walk over broken glass

 

Smokey - its not a fairytale believe me , i wanted this all along prayed for it some nights but now its here i dont know what to do, its a nightmare

 

Exit - your absolutely right and believe me now a year plus on from the relationship i tell you hand on heart she broke up with me over 150 times and im not talking small little argument where you give each other the silent treatment im talking about full blown deleteing from facebook everything ignoring calls texts saying its over i dont want nothing to do with you

and you know what Exit you are right i do love her a part of me always will but i cant give her the chance to hurt me again i just cant

i dont know how i have pulled myself together , with the support of my loving family and friends , being single i have got used to what happened and found a certain peace that i dont wanna disrupt

i dont want to go back there

i didnt ask for any information ie how many people you been with etc etc not because i wasnt interested but because i knew hearing whatever answer she may give me would have broken me

i told her i wish you nothing but good but i deserve more than second choice

 

i had always heard the story of people not realising what they have and not valuing it and then their coming a time when they no longer have it and after a period of time realising OMG i messed up but i never believed it

now i know this is true

 

hearing her voice , her tears i cant explain

one part of me wanted to go through the phone and wipe her tears and hug her and tell her i love her and it will all be ok

and the other part of me wanted to tell her if she fell in front of a train tmrw i would not shed a tear after what she did to me

she asked me to send her a picture of myself, said i havent seen you for a year want to see what you look like - i declined her offer

she on the other hand had always updated her facebook profile pic so i knew what she looked like

 

i really honestly dont know what to do and thats the truth

i do love her and did want to marry her but im not going to spend all my life wondering if the ex is still in the background, wondering what went on in this year apart , wondering if she is being truthful with me

in all honesty i would rather take that chance with somebody new who would never have treated me this way

at least the odds are better

 

im not even a big drinker but boy i could do with a vodka today

[westrock]

she said i do love you it took me a long time to realise that and if you can give me half a chance to work on things and prove to you what you mean to me and how much i want you and want to fix things and make up for the past then i will do anything and walk over broken glass to make things right

 

If she really means what she says, then she should be willing to go with you to couples counselling with you as a first step. If she won't agree then she is just blowing smoke.

 

I went back to read some of your back story and read this in one of your previous threads which is a red flag:

any little problem in a relationship and she runs , she doesnt compromise, doesnt listen to explanations doesnt think she may be wrong she just cuts loose and runs, ignores all form of contact until it suits her - will she do this in the next relationship ?

 

I recommend you read the following article before deciding what to do next with your ex:

 

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist « A Shrink for Men

 

There is a user here on LS called Downtown. I hope he replies on your thread here.

[xztjohn]

honestly i would not know what to do in your situation, but it seems like she put u through hell and back. homestly would you want to go through that again. could you live with yourself if u guys got back together and she just cuts loose and goes off with someone else? 150 break ups is alot, history tends to repeat itself. u said u guys were broken up for a year? it seems like she probably played around with her options and now her best option now is to be with you., she also lives 350 miles away. it seems like u guys r forcing to be together when all of the odds r stacked against u. i would really think about this one, you should logically think about this dont go with your heart go with your brain. "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." i would hate to see you be played like a fiddle.

Edited February 24, 2012 by xztjohn

[xztjohn]

honestly i would not know what to do in your situation, but it seems like she put u through hell and back. homestly would you want to go through that again. could you live with yourself if u guys got back together and she just cuts loose and goes off with someone else? 150 break ups is alot, history tends to repeat itself. u said u guys were broken up for a uear? it seems like she probably played around with her options and now her best option now is to be with you and she lives 350 miles away. if she is willing to move to be with you then that shows something,but it seems like u guys r forcing to be together when all of the odds r stacked against u. i would really think about this one, you should logically think about this dont go with your heart go with your brain. "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." i would hate to see you being played like a fiddle.

[smokey bear]

OP, i am living breathing proof that people can change.

 

Its a risk you take and only you can decide what to do.

 

It is a nightmare and will be possibly again for a little while but you never know you might get your happy ending.

[Exit]

Thanks for sharing how you're feeling brokenfool. Id say you're completely justified feeling how you do.

 

This girl is just strange. Offering to give you the money in her bank account? That has nothing to do with love or regret about what happened, that just sounds like immature desperation. I know I don't know this girl and can only go by what I've read, but she really sounds emotionally immature like she might have experienced a trauma early in life, or even if that's not the case, just immature in general.

 

Like someone said above, this could be nothing more than her taking time to play the field and who knows how many other people she became interested in while you were apart, and now she finally understands that she was better off with you. But really that's what happens when people split up and get back together, no point sugar coating it. People split up, try other people, and realize they want what they had. Sometimes the old partner can live with this and accept letting the person back into their lives, other people don't like the feeling of taking someone back after exploring their options.

 

Right now it sounds like you feel better off without her. You may not even have realized it until now, but even if you weren't feeling 100% healed yet, at some point, you may have healed beyond the point of no return, and you didn't realize that until seeing her try to come back into your life. As bad as you had been feeling, all of a sudden you're able to say "I don't know, I might be completely better off finding someone who really loves me".

 

I gave an ex who dumped me another chance in 2011 but here I am single again. I heard some of the same things, she offered to delete facebook, she said shed commit to living together again, and shed be open with me about who else she spends time with considering she had seen another guy a few times while we were apart. None of this really came true. I never really followed through by asking her to delete facebook, but she could have taken the initiative herself to prove it to me. She never moved in with me, kept saying she couldn't because she needed to take care of her grandma at home and other stuff. Incidentally, we've been emailing a little bit recently, and now she says she's considering staying with some friends for the summer and she realizes she can't be there for her grandma 24/7. Funny how she can come to this realization now. Anyways we were together for three months before she left again. All the initial promises were apparently just desperation. Part of me sensed it but I chose to ignore it. The very same day she decided to stop talking to the other guy and commit to me again she was already saying "we should try living together again". I knew it sounded inappropriate for her to be saying that so soon but I was just so happy to be getting her back. I let my judgment slip and I paid for it.

 

Some people do have success stories after situations like these so you just have to ask yourself if its worth the risk. Do not rush your decision. Your emotions should be all over the place right now and rightfully so. If she says she wants this so bad she should certainly be willing to show some patience while you take a week or two or however long you need. Wait for your emotions to settle and decide from a rational standpoint rather than an emotional one.

Edited February 24, 2012 by Exit

[daphne]

Broken,

 

I didn't read your previous posts to see how poorly your ex treated you. But what you said here was a manipulative lie to me:

 

"just hearing your voice and knowing ive not been there for you whilst you been going through all this stress with job searching

she begins to tell me how she regrets how she not only ended things but how she treated me throughout the relationship and how she had not had one nights decent sleep without thinking about me

"

 

She's playing the victim because she's desperate. I doubt she thought you'd ever go away. Honestly, if she really felt badly about how she treated you for this long, why is this the first your'e hearing of it?

 

And she's not crying because she feels badly about you or your job search. She feels badly because she's selfish and you're not there for her to take for granted anymore.

 

As a female, I can see through her manipulation. I'm sorry, but I don't believe for a minute this person has changed. I know it must feel pretty good to hear from her, given teh circumstances, but I'd hate to see her do whatever she did to you over again.

Edited February 25, 2012 by daphne

[veggirl]

Wow. Broken, I think you should change your # so she can't have it.

 

She is terrible. Daphne is 100% right. She is manipulating you, yet again. Please don't fall for it. Those things she did to you are unforgivable. Shi.t....the way she acted....I'd be tempted to say "yes transfer the 30k" and then go NC No no, don't do that, but omg she is just doing the same thing she always did. She's a sick person.

[wilsonx]

I see no manipulation in what she says, I see empathy.

 

You guys/gals should check it out.

[EgoJoe]

Ok, OP. My advice is to call her and tell her that you would like to see her after some time has passed and she gets her crap together. Tell her you don't know how long and you will be the one to get a hold of her.

 

You can say ff she really wants to be with you then she needs to be single and work on her issues and be prepared to tell you the truth about everything when the time comes.

 

Tell her that you were glad to hear from her in some ways but that there is a heavy emotional connotation to it all and that you'd like to filter, sort and work through it alone and you think that it would be best if she does the same.

 

I also agree with Wilson to a degree. TaraMaiden once said to me that all relationships contain emotional manipulation to a degree. I'm on the fence with my opinion here as she has issues. ****, we all do. Look how a lot of us reacted to the end of a significant LTR.

 

I want you to realize, OP, that you are obviously someone of value and no matter what happens there is some vindication to be had here.

[Frank13]

Wow, at first this seems like a dream come true, but I have seen this too much here on LS where the minute you agree to take her back she will disappear. I too think she may have just broke up with someone.

 

Here is what I would do. First I would ask her to transfer the 30K into my bank account. Not to keep it, just to let her put her money where her mouth is.

 

Then I would get a bunch of bottles and smash them on the ground for a length of 10 feet. Put her on one side and you on the other and see if she will walk across the broken glass to get to you.

 

Only then would I decide if I want her back.

[smokey bear]

Wow, at first this seems like a dream come true, but I have seen this too much here on LS where the minute you agree to take her back she will disappear. I too think she may have just broke up with someone.

 

Here is what I would do. First I would ask her to transfer the 30K into my bank account. Not to keep it, just to let her put her money where her mouth is.

 

Then I would get a bunch of bottles and smash them on the ground for a length of 10 feet. Put her on one side and you on the other and see if she will walk across the broken glass to get to you.

 

Only then would I decide if I want her back.

 

 

 

hahahaha brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[GaelicSoul]

Hi Brokenfool,

 

Well it finally happened. She cracked!

I have been following your story since last year, and all i can say dude is follow your gut on this one. You have come along way, and i'm sure you look back on the last year of a roller coaster of emotions that it was, and wonder Will it ever stop!

 

I don't know your Ex, nobody does, only you. But you must weigh up the Pro's and Con's on this on. She may have changed for the better, and is genuine. Then again, maybe not. But sometimes in life, you need to think about yourself.

 

 

 

Has anything this girl done to you in the last few years made your life better?

[BrokenFool]

Hi Guys

 

thanks for all your replies and opinions much appreciated, im still in shock if i am completely honest i cant believe this has happened, for so long this is what i dreamt of hoped for prayed for even and now its happened i dont want it

i have hardly slept and went to a friends and had a few drinks just to take it all in and the last time i drank was 3 years ago so that says a lot

 

i do agree she is trying to manipulate me

putting the 30k into my bank means nothing as she knows AFTER breaking up i gave back 10k she had given me so money isnt my mantra and i wouldnt take that offer

jumping in her car and coming to see me what does that show ? nothing she has a company car and driving 3 hours to see me doesnt mean squat does it

 

the tears - ive seen and heard them before but i dont know why this time in my heart i got a feeling they were real tears

 

i gave up so much of myself for this girl made so much effort taking the blame on every single occasion being the bigger person and forgiving all her mistakes for her to punish even the smallest mistake of mine

 

it took me a long time to even find myself again and even now im not the same chirpy cheerful confident person i was , it impacted my life my eating my sleep my job search my performance at interviews

 

and now just cos she has realised the grass isnt greener on the other side i should be ready to get picked up and played with again

 

no i cant , i am going to take as much time as i want but i cant see me going back

she has already deleted her facebook i dont know if thats to show me or a downpayment on her offers to me

 

what i am going to say next is going to be the biggest contradiction ever and wilson will no doubt have something to say about this and chip in

 

i love this girl more than anybody ive ever met in my life, despite all the crap all the possible infedelity the mind games the power plays she made me feel and taught me things about myself that i never knew existed but her version of love and my version are different

 

in my version it doesnt matter if your ex is a millionaire or a bum on the street so long as his heart is clean and his love for you is pure, it doesnt matter if he buys you a diamond necklace or burns you a cd with love songs its the thought and sentiment behind it which counts, it doesnt matter how many flaws they have as long as the attributes needed for a loving relationship are there

 

her last comment when we broke up was that i was 90% perfect for her the only 10% was that i suspect her and that spoils everything for her

yet she didnt click why did i suspect her

 

maybe because from day one she was dropping my calls at night , disappearing for nights, lied about being in touch with her ex boyfriend for 18 months, hid stuff from me, still stayed in touch with him, kept dumping me every 6 weeks - would anybody on this board not suspect their other half with all this going on

 

im happy she has seen the light i really am because all them private number calls the weird texts the anonymous views on my linkedin profile i KNEW deep down in my heart of hearts that it was her and now she has validated that

 

and im glad she has realised how not to treat somebody in a relationship , it will help her in the future

 

but as far as i am feeling right now she isnt ever gonna get the chance to hurt me again , their is risk and their is calculated risk, and the risk is she MIGHT revert to type and do it again and im not gonna take that risk , im not gonna go back there

in order not to develop feelings i am not going to converse with her or see her i am going to change my number and move forward with my life

 

this girl dumped me before my birthday, didnt even get me a birthday card was willing to accept all the gifts i got her , got back with me then broke up with me 2 days later for something i said to her, accused me of being materialistic , called me a stalker possessive, said i wasnt the one for her etc etc those words burned deep inside my heart this last year and believe me when i say i havent had one nights uninterupted sleep since she left me

i cant forget this she treated me inhumanely

 

and now if she is genuinely remorseful good for her

i hope it eats her up all her life

[EgoJoe]

You are experiencing a conflict of emotions but exercising logic and rationale at points.

 

Good for you! Take your time!

[daphne]

Broken,

 

I'm glad to hear that you have your eyes wide open. You'll need them. My ex came back long ago, much like yours. He was a serial cheater. I dumped him cold when I found out for sure. I disconnected my phones but he still emailed/called for about 4 months almost daily. A year later he came back and was a desperate mess. He asked me to marry him. Said no one compared to me, that he didn't know what he had, that he'd changed and I'd made him a better person blah blah blah.

 

I don't doubt that he started to recognize how poorly he treated me and others but it didn't bother him until he stopped getting what he wanted. He was an extremely selfish and manipulative person. ANd for the little changes that he's made, 4-5 years later he is 85% still the SAME person. He even told me a couple of years after his speech about how he was a brand new man that "people don't really change that much."

 

The way your ex talked is very similar to how mine talked. Grandiose gestsures (proposing) and suddenly feeling bad about how he treated me, when he really just felt bad that he couldn't use me anymore. Desperation will SAY ANYTHING.

 

I didn't take him back. Even though I asked myself for about 10 minutes if I could consider it, I knew what he was doing. Also, like you, I knew what love was and his version of it was very different than mine. I opted to stay off the emotional roller coaster and move on. And I am thrilled at my good decision making. Except I can't believe I considered it for 10 minutes now..

 

broken - maybe you just need to find someone a little purer in heart like it sounds like you are.

[leoc1973]

daphne and broken I agree with both of you. I often wonder if people like us can just love on a much deeper level. When I am in love there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. My ex actually told me one time that sometimes love isn't enough. That hit me hard because I don't know if she meant love in general or "our" love that isn't enough.

 

I feel that kind of "notebook" love is the most precious thing a human can achieve in their lifetime and once you have it you should never let it go. So I think out of everything the thing that hurt me the most isn't that she didn't want me or I wasn't good enough or whatever. The thing that hit me is that she just plain and simple didn't feel the same way as I felt about her.

 

My ex dumped me out of the blue while I thought we had that die for each other love and now that I am in a new relationship I can definitely see the damage that she did because I used to be the most secure confident man you would ever meet now I have to stop my self from getting jealous with the new girl whom I feel would never lie/hurt me in a million years but now because of the ex ya just never know what crappy thoughts are going on in the other person's head.

 

I think you really are doing the right thing. Because if you so much as talk to her she will get you to crack and now that she knows that she can come back even after over a year she will do it to you again and again!

 

Another thing to consider is how old is she? Is she the age where she might know what she wants now? I do know a couple that were broken up for a year and a half and I am going to their 25th anniversary party next month so who knows. I guess ya gotta always go with your gut!

[smokey bear]

There is a lot of bitter and jaded advice on this forum,

 

There is a post on a forum similar to this,

 

Its over 100 pages long and do you know what it full of?

 

Recon stories.

 

In each story, the couple were seperated for a long time, the common time frame 6 months to 2 years.

 

The majority of the couples are married and have kids now and would never dream of seperating again.

[leoc1973]

do you have the link smokey?

[rAFC]

do you have the link smokey?

 

I would also like to see this post. Please, share the link!