wilsonx Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 *cough* E not alone *cough* Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 Getting back together really does happen! Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 There is a lot of bitter and jaded advice on this forum, There is a post on a forum similar to this, Its over 100 pages long and do you know what it full of? Recon stories. In each story, the couple were seperated for a long time, the common time frame 6 months to 2 years. The majority of the couples are married and have kids now and would never dream of seperating again. To clarify, I am not against the idea of people reconciling under reasonable conditions. But not when one person is treating the other poorly or deceptively, even when they're reaching out. That's just foolish to me. I think 2 people have to be on equal footing and willing to really work on themselves to make what broke before work. And that doesn't happen often, which is why there aren't that many long term successful reconciliations. I have actually known a number of people who have. But honestly, some shouldn't have and are still miserable. Those that worked had certain key ingredients. Respect, self awareness and a change in attitude about how to treat their significant others regardless of who did the dumping. Or in the case of the young with the gigs, the one with the gigs had to realize the one they left was teh best thing for them. Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 To clarify, I am not against the idea of people reconciling under reasonable conditions. But not when one person is treating the other poorly or deceptively, even when they're reaching out. That's just foolish to me. I think 2 people have to be on equal footing and willing to really work on themselves to make what broke before work. And that doesn't happen often, which is why there aren't that many long term successful reconciliations. I have actually known a number of people who have. But honestly, some shouldn't have and are still miserable. Those that worked had certain key ingredients. Respect, self awareness and a change in attitude about how to treat their significant others regardless of who did the dumping. Or in the case of the young with the gigs, the one with the gigs had to realize the one they left was teh best thing for them. FYI, his breakup was a GIGS breakup. Read the original post again. Read what I just bolded and underlined. Sooooooooooooo...................... Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 Who actually dumps someone on their BIRTHDAY? WTF? This woman sounds pretty cold hearted to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Phanpooh Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 my ex called me at 23h30 in my birthday to wish me happy, after she hang out with new guys and still stay in his apartment (_ _") sound more better than dumping me on my birthday Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenFool Posted February 26, 2012 Author Share Posted February 26, 2012 Well shes ramped things up a level sent me a email with her username and password on so i can view her phone bill online and said in the email check your account, checked my bank account and she has only gone and done it 30k in my bank account , just sitting there online transfer from her bank so i did the decent thing - no i didnt spend it i transfered it straight back into her account and rang my bank to put a block on any online transfers into my account and sent her a email saying money cant buy love Wilson - i may be wrong please correct me if i am but i dont recall you labelling my breakup a giggs one before so what makes you think that now I will break the 3 year relationship down into 2 halves first 18 months - i didnt know the ex ( whom was the first person she had gone out with, slept with for 5 years and had broken up because of differing religions) was still on the scene, despite him having another girlfriend she used to drop my calls to answer his and then tell me it was just a friend, ring him up to 17 times a day , send him photo messages of herself and because he lived in the same town as him probably see him behind my back aswell, she knew she was doing wrong and would ring him private number just in case the ex girlfriend was there so 18 months later i check her phone bills through someone i know who works at the phone shop put 2 and 2 together and call her out on it, she cries and says he was only a friend and she didnt tell me because she didnt wanna lose me - thats amazing for someone whom at that point had dumped me 70 -80 times and not ONCE had made the first move to get back together, AFTER i caught her out on this she promised NEVER to talk to him again and broke that promise and then when given the ultimatum me or him chose him and said hes a friend who hasnt done anything wrong to me so i wont stop speaking to him me like a tool compromised and said ok then talk to him but do it openly so it shows your intentions and i dont mind - that still wasnt enough then enter mr young guy from across the road, a guy 11 years younger than her with 0 mutual friends , first she adds him on facebook proceeds to tell me how he fancies her and had commented on her photos and then when i say just be careful what you write to him he may think your interested in him if you reply a lot ie hes a young kid - DUMPED me then night before my exam come to may the night before my birthday and this guy has been writing all over her facebook wall , dropping his mobile number to her so i said i hate that guy on your facebook called him ugly and boom DUMPED the night before my birthday for someone who at this point she had known less than 2 months and we were now at the 2.5 year mark - this is when i really in my heart felt it was GIGS , her treatment of me and willingness to at least try got less and less and for all i know this could be down to her starting a relationship with him across the road and now 14 months later she is hounding me to give her a chance which i wont , i refuse to , some of the things she did to me were absolute cruel and imhumane she could text me after a breakup and ask have you met somebody else but when i asked the same ( because she had a profile on a dating site) i was treated so wrong as far as im concerned she can transfer 3 million into my account i dont want it thanks no matter what religion, skin colour, creed you are love is the same for all you could be with someone who buys you a chocolate bar with such love that it seems like she has bought you a cruise around the world she probably did go out with the young lad across the road and as i always suspected a lad of that age at uni with lots of pretty girls his own age is not gonna be interested in somebody 11 years older for the long term ,but can you imagine me getting back with her marrying her and whenever we go to her mums seeing that young lad across the road knowing she dumped me for him ? no thank you she can go jump off a cliff im not interested my sister says her desperation will get worse so i better be prepared for whatevr she throws at me i will keep you guys updated please feel free to chip in guys with comments Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 BF, how old are you and your Ex? Also, she is very desperate but these are not your run of the mill desperation manuevers, she is either trying to prove herself or truly sorry. 30gs is a large amount of money, the pw etc. Look, I know you don't want her back. But, I think you would do well to talk to her and tell her to back off and then tell her why, use your last post as an example. Be very careful, these are extreme actions and they are either extreme to prove it to you or extreme to manipulate you and she may not take kindly to being rebuked...I don't know if she is off of the deep end, only you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 (edited) Haha wow I can't believe she actually did that with the money transfer. Strange girl. First, to address some of the other people in this thread, I don't think anyone tries to give biased advice here and I don't think that's a polite accusation to be making. I shared my story about a failed reconciliation with someone just to give OP perspective that people do make promises when they want to get back together, and they do get broken. Am I saying second chances never work? No. Hell I just got burned by trying to attempt a second chance and I'm still not going to say I don't believe they can ever work. I forget who said it but someone on these forums made a comment "how many married couples do you think are out there who didn't break up at least once on their way to getting married?". I'm sure that's very true. Love can take more than one attempt to get it right. The only "bias" I'm applying to my opinions on this situation is from reading OPs old threads. How do you deem this ex girl as having been a "gigs breakup" when she left him every six weeks? They didn't have a "breakup", they had "breakups", multiple, more than I've ever heard of, and never once did she come back to him and really learn her lesson and commit to this relationship being what she wanted. Yes maybe they've spent a little more time apart this time than any of the other breakups, that's the only difference I see. I don't appreciate the implication that bitter people on these forums are trying to ruin this guy's second chance. If he thinks he wants to consider it I am extremely happy for him. I am glad that this girl decided to contact him and I am glad he is getting the opportunity to decide what he really wants. Sure there might be an old thread on the forums where people were outpouring stories of successful reconciliations, so what? We're in this thread now and that's all that matters. And this thread involves a girl who broke up with this guy dozens of times, and is trying to come back again. The only other threads people should care to go back and read and link to are the ones BrokenFool posted previously. Anyways... I think you obviously did the right thing to decline the bank transfer. I agree with a lot of what you talk about, if someone loves me and buys me a candybar that means more to me than any amount of money in the world. So she needs to understand that making these grandiose gestures is not what is going to make you take her back. It's more important to you to not get dumped 151 times than it is to have free money in your bank account. The two things are unrelated. You aren't upset with her because she never gave you 30 thousand dollars, you're upset with her because of how you were treated and how many times she left. I agree with your sister, in all likelihood this girl's "full court press" is going to continue, and if 30 grand didn't convince you, who knows what she'll try next. Just be careful, I'm trying not to be so cynical but part of this just says "unstable" to me. She may step it up to trying to find you in person or other extreme measures. Are you going to give in and use the passwords she sent you to check up on her? I'm sure it's probably tempting. All I can say, is that if I were in your shoes, I would basically just see how long she's going to continue this, how much this really means to her. I'm sorry if that sounds like game playing, but if it were me, I would feel the game needs to be played. If she gets tired of trying in a matter of days then obviously it wasn't a lasting feeling for her. You've been apart for 14 months, you can handle more. If she keeps on trying and trying, then maybe you'll have some thinking to do, although at this point you sound decided and I can't say I disagree with your decision. Frankly I am a little shocked at some of the well-known forum members I am seeing showing up in this thread and acting like this girl is having a divine intervention and she's ready to come back and marry this guy and he's being foolish for not taking it. Are you not paying attention to what this girl has done before? Have you not gone back and read the old threads? I'm very surprised at some of the people making posts in support of giving this girl a chance. Yes people do change but this girl, through her own behavior, has earned herself the distinction of being one of the least likely people to really change in my opinion. 14 months is nothing to someone like that. Just enough time to realize she needs to hurry up and get this guy back on her fishing line before he is really gone for good. She certainly hasn't matured any. Who the hell sends someone money in a reconciliation effort? I guess she's trying to prove that's how serious she is. She's willing to risk that much money if she ended up deciding to leave you again. But I can only imagine what kind of lovely situations would arise if you accepted the money, and then the relationship didn't work out. You'll find yourselves in a court room arguing about money. BrokenFool, every human being on the planet is biased. We are all affected by what we've experienced and it shapes our view of things. Keep that in mind. Nobody here is any more qualified to make a decision about this situation than you are. If you are tired of being burned, and if you realize even marrying this girl probably wouldn't convince you that she'd never do it again, then you know you need to leave it alone. If she keeps on trying and trying and it starts to make you wonder if she really means it this time, nobody can tell you it's wrong for feeling that way either. I hope things work out for you no matter what. Edited February 26, 2012 by Exit 1 Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 FYI, his breakup was a GIGS breakup. Read the original post again. Read what I just bolded and underlined. Sooooooooooooo...................... She also has treated him abominably. Sooooooo. Read my entire post before you get self righteous. Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 I think your going to push away the greatest love of your life, based on your own issues, not hers, she has grown and learned and changed! Link to post Share on other sites
Graceful Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 (edited) no thank you she can go jump off a cliff im not interested my sister says her desperation will get worse so i better be prepared for whatevr she throws at me i will keep you guys updated please feel free to chip in guys with comments Hiya Broken, M'Love How good it is to see how you've evolved into a man, from the naive boy you were when you met this sleazy, mean-spirited, superficial, attention-monger, spoiled, shallow, dysfunctional person you now can gleefully call your ex. She should come with a warning label on her, shouldn't she? She treats everyone like crap. Well, at least she's consistent. I was impressed with your honesty (paying her back the money you owed her) and how you handled yourself during those truly dark days, and I know how hard you struggled; it was damn painful to see how much you were hurting. But you got up off the floor, didn't you? NO MORE playing the DOORMAT. Isn't it nice being UP HERE instead of DOWN THERE on the floor with someone walkin' all over ya? Love it, love it, love it. Stay strong, you know what you have to do, and without any temptation of taking her back, you're on a trajectory to just keep getting better and stronger. You have seen the light. You see her for who she is, finally. Not a projection of some alternate reality that you wanted. Well done. Be true. I'm on your side, always was, and always will be. Edited February 26, 2012 by Graceful 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 (edited) I hope you're not referring to me Exit, I'm trying to promote a clear headed decision without bias! I did go back and read the old stuff, hence my post before last. Edited February 26, 2012 by EgoJoe Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenFool Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 Guys first of all i just want to say what we go through in life determines how we view things our thought processes our opinions on what to do and not to do so please lets not fight with each other - we are all on the same side here and i appreciate everybodys point of view got a reply to the email i sent her saying i wasnt trying to buy your love , your love is priceless not 30k - i didnt reply a lot of people come on here looking for reconcilliation, understanding, validation, closure i just want an explanation of why she treated me this way when she had broken up with her ex and was still in touch with him despite him having a girlfiend WHY get in a relationship with me WHY lie about him being her ex when i noticed him on her facebook WHY still talk to him every night and drop me for him then the times i had walked away just like she had requested and not contacted her why go to extremes and find reasons to contact me when she really had no feelings for me what was so wrong with me for me to deserve to be dumped every 6 weeks why was nothing i ever did for her , bought for her ever good enough for her im having two chains of thought either she has been dumped or broken up with the 21 year old across the road or she didnt go out with anybody and has realised her wrongs smokey - yeah your right i am losing the love of my life - but i wasnt the love of her life and i dont wanna spend my life with somebody like that your the GIGS expert - do you think this was GIGS despite her breaking up with me so many times right from day one the second time we met their was drama the first time we met she after spending 3 days with me started crying when she was going to go home saying she was going to miss me hell even before we met and we had got to know each other on the phone and i had said to her we arent suited we think differently she had started bawling and said im going to come to x town on tuesday and be there for 3 days its up to you whether you come or not - i didnt see it then but basically she emotionally blackmailed me into even seeing her and me like a fool didnt want her to have a wasted journey and not turn up so i went and since we broken up all the unknown calls the fake facebook friends request the weird texts from numbers i didnt know why couldnt she speak up earlier - was she scared one chain of thought is she couldnt have been with someone because ive had the unknown calls etc all year so confused somebody please show me some light Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Guys first of all i just want to say what we go through in life determines how we view things our thought processes our opinions on what to do and not to do so please lets not fight with each other - we are all on the same side here and i appreciate everybodys point of view got a reply to the email i sent her saying i wasnt trying to buy your love , your love is priceless not 30k - i didnt reply a lot of people come on here looking for reconcilliation, understanding, validation, closure i just want an explanation of why she treated me this way when she had broken up with her ex and was still in touch with him despite him having a girlfiend WHY get in a relationship with me WHY lie about him being her ex when i noticed him on her facebook WHY still talk to him every night and drop me for him then the times i had walked away just like she had requested and not contacted her why go to extremes and find reasons to contact me when she really had no feelings for me what was so wrong with me for me to deserve to be dumped every 6 weeks why was nothing i ever did for her , bought for her ever good enough for her im having two chains of thought either she has been dumped or broken up with the 21 year old across the road or she didnt go out with anybody and has realised her wrongs smokey - yeah your right i am losing the love of my life - but i wasnt the love of her life and i dont wanna spend my life with somebody like that your the GIGS expert - do you think this was GIGS despite her breaking up with me so many times right from day one the second time we met their was drama the first time we met she after spending 3 days with me started crying when she was going to go home saying she was going to miss me hell even before we met and we had got to know each other on the phone and i had said to her we arent suited we think differently she had started bawling and said im going to come to x town on tuesday and be there for 3 days its up to you whether you come or not - i didnt see it then but basically she emotionally blackmailed me into even seeing her and me like a fool didnt want her to have a wasted journey and not turn up so i went and since we broken up all the unknown calls the fake facebook friends request the weird texts from numbers i didnt know why couldnt she speak up earlier - was she scared one chain of thought is she couldnt have been with someone because ive had the unknown calls etc all year so confused somebody please show me some light Im a little confused, where you not together for 3 years? or am i thinking of someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenFool Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 Yes we were together for 3 years with the dumpings starting pretty much after the two month mark and never stopping she was 28 when i met her and i was 29 she had got out of a relationship with her ex whom was the first person she went out with and had been with him 5 years - i didnt think to ask how long has it been since you broke up with him although i did say i dont stay in touch with exes and would not expect my girlfriend to stay in touch with her ex either - which she told me she agreed with she also didnt have a good relationship with her dad and he had spent his life making them go to a all girls school and checking their bags when they got home, not allowing them to have friends from school and not allowing them to go anywhere following them etc - i dont know if these problems with her dad and her heartbreak from the breakup from her relationship with the guy she would have put all her eggs into the basket with maybe contributed to my demise Link to post Share on other sites
immitable Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 to add my 2 cts: From what I've read she wants you to be her "Cap'n fix a hoe". She obviously can't fix herself and that's why this money transfer, she wants you to take care of her and her feelings. I'd say she has reached a rock bottom indeed or close to it, but that doesn't mean she has learned anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Broken - I understand most of all you just want answers to those questions. From the very first thread you made about this girl, titled "what did I do wrong", up until now, you're trying to figure out why she acted the way she did and why she treated you so poorly. There are no good answers. As you just said yourself, in regards to the different opinions that you are seeing posted in this thread, everyone is different, we go through things in life and it forms our own personal perspective about things. All you can do is try to apply that logic to her as well. If we are the type of people who wouldn't lie to someone we love, who wouldn't break up with someone a hundred times, who wouldn't push someone away just to start chasing them again, it's hard for us to understand. Why did she lie, why did she leave and come back a hundred times, why every time as soon as it seems like you're trying to leave it alone, did she start finding reasons to contact you again? Because she can. Because that's just the way she operates. You can't apply logic to someone who is acting illogically. I don't know whether or not I really want to encourage you to have any further contact with her, but I suppose one possible road you can take is to email her back and ask her these very same questions that you've posted here. She's the only one who can really tell you why she acts the way she does (if she can manage to be honest about it). And you can ask her why on earth you should believe it would be any different this time. But you still sound like you're pretty much ready to be done with her, and I don't know if that is 100% genuinely how you feel or if you are still struggling inside about what to do. she rang me the next day saying i think we should give things another go , i said dont just say that because i did something nice for your birthday , say it cos you mean it, i do she said, 2 days later she dumped me again You said that in your first thread about this girl and I just worry that it would happen again. Smokey - I have no idea how, based on the little bit of contact that he has gotten from her, you're already proclaiming that she has clearly "grown, learned, and changed". If you can explain what evidence you see that this has happened, maybe it would help BrokenFool decide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 After reading everything I will still stick to my original post. You've answered the question of what do you want. It seems that your feelings are there but the trust is too broken to be repaired. As much as you want to give it a try your heart has put a block on how much abuse it can take, and over those many years it took quite a bit. Follow your instincts here and trust your gut. As much as you want to believe, you've put a block on for a reason. You need to make a decision and inform her of such. If you decide to try it, please do it maturely and make sure you ask all of the questions you need to build a comfort level. If you decide not to, then you need to tell her so she can begin to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenFool Posted February 27, 2012 Author Share Posted February 27, 2012 Thank you for your reply To answer your questions Would she answer my questions if i asked her ?? probably not Their were times in the relationship when i had bared my soul in emails and texts ,asking these very same questions , begging for at least a chance to give my side of the story and i never ever got a reply back towards the end in a cruel manner she said you say the same thing over and over i just ignore your messages now plus how much truth would there be in her answers - for this person who lied to me from the very first day she met me , and even when i caught her out lied to my face why would i be able to believe her now and then also theirs the element that we all seek answers to questions we have but sometimes not asking is the better thing as asking and getting answers might hurt more than not knowing at all I have to say i dont agree with Smokey or Wilson about it being GIGS and i dont if that makes any sense I think for the first half of my relationship she was still in love with her ex, still in touch with him, still with feelings for him, maybe using me to try make him jealous hoping he will leave his new girlfriend and come back, dont forget they did not break up because of any problems in the relationship they were different religions and when it got to a point where he had to commit he declined and said he could not convert because his family would be hurt the second part of my relationship i think was GIGS - one part of me thinks from day one she was aware of the age difference between them and surely would not entertain the idea but if she could go out with somebody a different religion for 5 years whats a age difference, the young guy across the road was convenient, fun, immature and the more she talked with him the less she bothered with me and the rest is anybodys guess all i know is that pain was the most ive ever had in my life always being wrong always being the one to make effort to compromise and getting the same end result again and again one week she came to see me , had bought me a silver engrave love heart sweet saying ex loves broken fool and then dumped me the week after i never could work her out and dont want to spend my life trying to Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Brokenfool, I too think you would do well to ask her those same questions. I have also experienced the "you ask the same questions" type of treatment. I am guilty of asking and putting a spin on it 'cus the answers were always ridiculous or not meaningful. The underlying issue lies in the fact that you're dealing with someone whos feelings define their reality and this is a terrible mindset to have let alone deal with in another person. You're a Man! You want to get to the bottom of it, define it, label it and understand it. To a degree there is no understanding the whimsical emotions of someone who does not understand themself. I think that the only way for you to handle this is to ask her. Right now...you're in a position to do so. Don't show weakness but come right out and ask her. You can tell her that you have to know to decide if you must. But, if you want the truth or you want to know if the truth can be had. Then you must seek it. You will know if it is excuses or not and after this you would probably do well to decide either NC or Recon. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 all i know is that pain was the most ive ever had in my life always being wrong always being the one to make effort to compromise and getting the same end result again and again one week she came to see me , had bought me a silver engrave love heart sweet saying ex loves broken fool and then dumped me the week after i never could work her out and dont want to spend my life trying to In my first reply, I included a link about borderline personality disorder (BPD). The more you post about the way she treated you, the more it seems she expresses character traits similar to someone with BPD (she'd have to be professionally diagnosed to be sure). Do a google search and read up on it. This constant cycle of loving you one day, then breaking up with you, then wanting to get back together and so on for 150x is a classic sign of BPD. Did you feel like nothing you ever did was good enough for her? When you did what she asked for to fix the relationship, would she then just move the goal posts further back? Did you feel like you were walking on eggshells with her most of time, never sure what tomorrow might bring and whether you might say the wrong thing to trigger her to break up with you? Did she blame you for the problems in the relationship and refuse to take any responsibilty for her role? Whenever you raised any issues about the way she would be acting, did she become defensive and twist it around to blame you? Would she accuse you of acting in damaging ways, but those are actually the way she acts? (projecting onto you her faults) Link to post Share on other sites
Phanpooh Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 Do not force yourself to do what you do not know... maybe, that just about what wrong in past and everyone try to fix it (_ _") but seriously, that will make you more confuse... maybe, in this case, i think the best way to solve your problem is that, let everything come naturally, if there is love, something will happen, if not, at least you will know it for sure... be honestly with your heart, r you truly love her or just you think that you still love her? let me give you 1 trick, tell her that " you r interested person ^^ i wonder what is in ur head, bla bla bla, maybe we could be friends, buy me coffee sometime...." and see what will happen! at least you have coffee and you could open your heart again, maybe that isn't a chance for her, but you could find yourself in difference place ^^ be cool pro! maybe she isn't "the one" for you but you don't miss your chance to know for sure, pain? you got it for 12m, and now is time to see how strong you are Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted February 27, 2012 Share Posted February 27, 2012 After hearing the finer details i think your best option is to be alone and resolve your issues. You are far from over your ex so shouldnt be dating others and you have issues from the ex that you should work on, if she means what she says then im sure she will still be around when your ready to date again, even if you did take her back it will ut you in a worse position than your in just now, honestly, heal, be alone and resolve your issues or no relationship will work. Its a tough one broken fool, i can see why your very confused. I hope you choose to put yourself first and go solo and heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrokenFool Posted February 28, 2012 Author Share Posted February 28, 2012 I have healed thank you very much . the whole reason why i didnt go out with anybody else or contact my ex was for me to heal yes i havent forgotten what my ex did to me or what i went through but that doesnt mean i am not healed you still havent answered my question - do you think my ex had GIGS Link to post Share on other sites
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