Good days and bad days

[BewitchedandBothered]

Today, I found myself mentally wishing my verbal/mental abuser well. It's taken me over a year to get to this point and be on a healing path.

 

There are days, though, knowing he is in a new relationship and seemingly happy, posting pics of him and her all over his wall--I was told, I do not see these things; he blocked me forever ago. Saw me as a threat, afraid of me telling people about his actions.

 

There are days when picturing him happy with someone new after abusing me, really hurts. He used to be sweet to me at one time; now he is charming her.I find myself wondering about his karma and why he doesn't get to go through what he did to me and 3 other ladies that I know of.

 

This woman has moolah, and he was looking for a lady that can 'take care of me because I am alone and need someone to fill my time'.

 

Today, my heart felt lighter knowing that forgiving him doesn't heal this thing so much, but it helps me let go a little more. I am still in love with the fake persona he showed me==the man who does not exist. He is giving that charming persona to someone new.

 

there are days I think and wonder when that honeymoon period will be over, and there are days I don't think of it at all.

 

It just really sucks to have been on the receiving end of all this hoo haa. He tried texting in August, but I ignored him and that was that.In my heart, I know the only reason he was doing that was to see if I was the reason why an old friend of his blocked him.

 

She blocked me at his request and unblocked me to tell me she finally saw his 'epic temper' that her husband (abuser's then best friend) had seen when they were in high school. She apologized to me for listening to him. I am just wanting others to see it too, I guess.

 

Sorry for rambling, folks. It just helps to get it out to people who can relate and share with me any input. In all honesty, I wish he were capable of being a friend. I was of no use to him when I fell ill and he sent me a generic 'best wishes' in my email. How about that? You are intimate with someone and they say 'best wishes'.

 

Anyhoo...I wonder if my wishing him well and giving up on dwelling is a good step to continuing to heal. I don't want to hurt anymore. Spent too much time on that. it's time to take care of me, now.

[CopingGal]

I don't wish my ex well. Sometimes I have days that I am happy that his life is so chaotic. Sometimes I pray for him and I worry about him.

 

I found myself yelling into the air, as if the air was him. I'm still so angry that he abused me mentally and emotionally and thought that abusing me was funny...was one big game to him....that it was necessary to get what he wanted. He thought he could treat me as bad as he wanted to and then force me...FORCE me to be is friend? He is screwed up in the head and I know it. My sister told me this years ago but I did not take her words seriously. I do now. One day I might wish him well.

Edited February 24, 2012 by CopingGal

[BewitchedandBothered]

I think eventually you will get to that point--when it's time for you, not when it is someone else's timeline, you know?

 

My ex also got a thrill out of tormenting me and he seemed to really enjoy when I gave it right back to him; he later said he prefers a dominating woman--I am not that at all.

 

I totally understand about the 'forcing' to be friends--this dude also kept insisting we be friends and asked me out to dinner during the heart of one of our post breakup arguments. I was like what??? Asking me to dinner when I just told him to go to hell after all he did to me.

 

At least yours has chaos. Mine has smooth sailing. I wanted mine to have chaos, too. He seems to be getting whatever he wants and enjoying life. So you abuse someone---a few people in life, and you get to be happy? Hmmm, maybe we ought to start abusing people, LOL;)

 

How long has it been since your breakup?

[fallenenvy]

I know i posted in your other forum...and i said much of what im about to say again...

 

 

stop assuming he is happy and every things great between him and the new gf... im sure many ppl thought the same when you were with him.. its just how he portrays himself to everyone else. You don't know whats going on behind the scenes.. but you can definetly speculate based on your own and his other ex's experiences. don't be so quick to jump to him and this new chick in a fairy tale but i can bet you it isn't really as great as you keep thinking.

 

Abusers have a habbit.. a pattern so to speak.. and they do not change... at least not as long as they see everyone else as the problem and feel no need to change. He abused his ex's.. he abused you.. and he will abuse this new girl too.. sad as it is to say.. i know..

 

I'm glad you are forgiving him.. but i can't really relate. its been 5 years and i still HATE mine.. oh yes.. hate. i don't wish him well.. feel sorry for him.. or give a rats ass... i smile slightly at his misery.

 

I found for myself.. the biggest hurdle has been forgiving myself...in a way. I've spent many sleepless nights trying to understand why i allowed myself to get in that situation and fall for all his crap.. why i let him beat me and belittle me... i realized i will NEVER let it happen again because now i know the signs and just how wrong the situation was.

 

I guess in the end tho you need to do whatever works best for you to help you move on, feel better, and NEVER let yourself get into that situation again.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Hi there Fallenenvy:) Your feedback always gives me comfort and reassurance. I thank you for that. It was strange; I saw a quote about forgiveness---I was not born with the forgiveness gene, LOL, but it made sense.

 

I am tired of wasting my energy being mad at this loser. I do hate him and I hated myself for a very long time. I read about forgiving myself---it comes natural after awhile, but takes time, as much time as needed, for you to be able to do so.

 

You know you are a good person; good people attract the types that are in misery and want to bring them down. Being abused is not your fault; it is the fault of the abuser.

 

Most times we take them back thinking they will change--because we know how nice the charm and the making up was. You know now the way these types are and know not to fall into that again. I often wonder why good people have to be the ones who learn, and the bad ones get to teach? Know what I mean?

 

I think I am learning to let go because holding on is useless and has done nothing for me but give me angst on a daily basis. I don't forgive him per se, just letting go of wasting my energy on he who does not deserve it.

 

It's still a process and I may never ever get over it. I do believe I am scarred. He could have ruined my life completely. I have 2 children; one of which is on the Autism spectrum. He kept insisting on meeting them---Fallenenvy, he seemed obsessed with meeting them.

 

I never let it happen. I had an uncomfortable vibe and was not ready for that and felt the need to keep my kids from meeting him. Now he tells people about the 'psycho with the autistic kid'. I cringe at that. I thank God daily that I had some kind of foresight to not let him near them.

 

He told me I was a bad Mom, poor example for my kids; you know about the names he called me--so you abuse me, chances are you abuse them. As far as I know this new lady doesn't have kids.

 

He does not have kids of his own; when he was married, his wife at that time had a son and she told him to stay the hell away from him. The boy was 4 when she caught the loser punch him on the arm. The boy cried hysterically and he said he was 'just rough housing'. She said if he ever came near him again, he would be sorry.

 

A story he conveniently left out when he told me his wife never wanted to 'have more kids and start over'.

 

I am going to be scarred by what might have been, you know? But, take comfort in the fact that you are no longer with that person--the longer we are in that kind of relationship, the harder it is to get out and recover. You got several years under your belt and behind you.

 

You are also extremely wise and level headed and are able to help others with what you have learned. I admire you and am thankful you are on here. I was feeling some kind of way. All kinds of emotions jumbled up and confused. You have helped me with your wisdom.

 

I hope you get the peace you so deserve. We ought to send a bill to these creeps for all the time they have been living in our heads rent-free, LOL:)

[BewitchedandBothered]

PS; you are right; he did portray a certain way to everyone around him--when i started reaching out to his friends for answers--not one knew we were even an item!!! There were 2 he told he was smitten with me and there was a 'chemistry', but they had no clue what was going on.

 

He always said "I am a private person and dislike drama."---one of the first things he said to me. Funny how those who dislike all that drama are the ones who start it, LOL!

 

He tried meeting this woman that he knew was hurtful to me and many--she sleeps with anyone and everyone and is married. She found him on a dating site after she heard what happened to me, and contacted him.

 

She then emailed me and said he wanted to meet her; I believed her because I knew his pattern with the ladies was. I do believe he wanted me to find out in order to hurt me more; he knew I would find out they got together, but I will never know if anything happened between them. He did say she had some horrible things to say about me. Shaking my head. she told me within the first phone conversation he told her all the things he likes to do in bed. Word for word she told me.

 

My heart sank because I knew she wasn't lying. Ironically, he didn't start talking that way to me until 4 months of chatting; he said he always felt uncomfortable talking to a lady that way. But he talked to this woman that way the first phone conversation? Bits and pieces always seem to come together after the fact...sigh...

[CopingGal]

I think eventually you will get to that point--when it's time for you, not when it is someone else's timeline, you know?

 

My ex also got a thrill out of tormenting me and he seemed to really enjoy when I gave it right back to him; he later said he prefers a dominating woman--I am not that at all.

 

I totally understand about the 'forcing' to be friends--this dude also kept insisting we be friends and asked me out to dinner during the heart of one of our post breakup arguments. I was like what??? Asking me to dinner when I just told him to go to hell after all he did to me.

 

At least yours has chaos. Mine has smooth sailing. I wanted mine to have chaos, too. He seems to be getting whatever he wants and enjoying life. So you abuse someone---a few people in life, and you get to be happy? Hmmm, maybe we ought to start abusing people, LOL;)

 

How long has it been since your breakup?

 

I agree with fallenenvy. You may think his life is smooth, but it might not be. When I saw my ex after the breakup- you should have heard him talking on the phone to a potential employer....smooth....like he was just as happy as a clam and everything was fine. He told me he was glad I left him and that he was in the relationship that is a better fit for him. He forgot to tell me the part where he had cheated on me with her. But anyway, he kept going on about her...how he has changed, how he had someone and I did not...blah, blah, blah, throwing her in my face. Then about two months later, she dumped him and he said how he had been alone in the relationship and felt ignored. He told me about how badly she had been treating him. And all the while, he's dragging his autistic son to the city I was living in, because that is where she was living too. He moves his son to this city and throws her in MY face! Then she dumps him, and like a little baby, he DRAGGED his son back to the former city he was in before he moved to my city to be with her....some woman he barely knew! Then he got back with her and asked her to marry him. Then they broke up. His son is about 12.

 

I left him in July. I don't know how many other women he cheated on me with , but he had an impulsivity problem that wreaked wholly havoc on our relationship. He said he wants to stay impulsive so that he can jump in rain puddles when he sees them .