ninamcclain93 Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Ok, here is the info: My friend is in her 20s, and recently lost her virginity to a married man. She is a pretty devout Christian, and doesn't really act like she is in her 20s. She is also extremely trusting and has been hurt before by older guys (the guy she is sleeping with is older). I have been friends with her for over 5 years, so naturally we talk about everything and she always comes to me to talk about everything.I don't know how to help her, because I honestly think she is an idiot. The married man says he is in an open relationship with his wife, but yet refuses to tell his wife or let her tell the wife. I am pretty sure he is a lying sack of *hit, but she "trusts him." I honestly have no clue what to do. I don't want to alienate my friend, but she is super sensitive and it will be horrible if she gets hurt. Please help me, I have no clue how to respond to my friend when she comes home tomorrow and expects advice. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Yes your friend is naive if she believes him. There's no way he's in an open marriage. If your friend won't listen to you, tell her to join this site and come read other situations like hers. All you can do is from a caring place, tell her she's making a big (stupid) mistake by choosing this path, having an affair with a MM and she's going to get hurt. And point out she's part of a triangle that could blow up in her face. If his wife finds out, she could very well call your friends family and let her parents know, or find out where she works to ruin her reputation. Ask her if she is OK helping a man cheat on his wife, betray his whole family unit. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Ouch, I wish I could give the info or at least a book recommendation, that would help this woman get out of this horrible and damaging situation. Maybe just reading the "OW" forum on LS would open her eyes. I hope so. Reading Loveshack, I have finally understood why chaperones were required for young adult women in past times. It was to prevent mistakes (on her part) and exploitation (on his part), like this.... :( Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Remind her that if she has to sneak around in order to be in this relationship, she will obviously be hurt by it, no question. A love relationship should be something that she can experience freely and openly, but with a MM, she will always be in the shadows. As far as the "open relationshp" goes...ask your friend why it makes a difference to her - even if it's true, it still means she has to share this man with his wife, and why would she consider sharing a man with another woman? Doesn't she believe she deserves to be with a man whose interests are not divided? Make her think about why this is so important to her, and to be honest with herself. This MM is making her feel better about herself in some way she really needs, but this unequal relationship will end up draining her of her faith, values, and self-esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 In life I have learned people will do what they want to do. No one can stop them. As her friend what you can do is be honest. Make sure that you tell her your views. If you wish to bring her religion into the conversation you can try that also. What you should definitely do is be gentle with your words. Let her know no matter what you are a friend to her. No matter the outcome. She is going to need your support. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 Some people have to learn certain things the hard way. Your friend sounds like one of them. As long as she is in the fog, nothing you say, and I mean nothing, will get her to stop. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 I was in the same situation, except my best friend was the MW and was seeing a single man (he had a gf though). Eventually he broke up with her out of guilt, thank goodness. Even though it hurt my friend, I'm so glad that he did. Then I didn't have to hear about it anymore. It's a tough conflict because you want to support your friend but hate what she is doing. I couldn't stand hearing it, so eventually I just told her to talk to the people at Al-Anon (her husband is an alcoholic) and not ask me for advice anymore. And she respected that. So maybe that's what you need to do. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 OP---I supported a friend like that for many years. I showed her compassion & patience, too--- just like you. She ended up turning on me & caused me a lot of heartbreak---rather than write the story out again. I'll link the thread for you. I'm not saying this will happen to you, too--but --if she starts getting weird with you , maybe my story will help validate you...... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/281554-collateral-damage-infidelity Link to post Share on other sites
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