Did I misread her signals? Want to restore my self-respect...

[scififan2008]

Advance apologies for the lengthy post. I am a single dad with a 3-yr old daughter. I was going through a rough time because of the conclusion of my marriage when I grew close to a co-worker. She supported me and discussed her own marriage woes. She felt trapped with an unloving and uncaring husband.

 

Over the next few weeks, we grew close and fell in love. We would talk and meet endlessly. We did not want a prolonged office affair. So I helped her find a job at another organization in the same building.

 

At the outset, she said her family and her in-laws are close and she could not break her marriage easily. She tested the waters a few times and got scared off by the response from her family. She put the onus on me to find a way out. However, there was little I could do except support her. She had to face her family herself but she did not want them to go through the complications of a divorce.

 

She was also under pressure to have a child. We agreed that she would stay back in her marriage and we would continue our relation whenever I decided to call it quits. She said she would love me forever and if I leave, she would hurt a lot more than I would because she would remain stuck in her loveless marriage whereas I would find someone else.

 

Last month she got pregnant with her husband. At this point, I thought of leaving her so she could focus on their baby and mend her marriage. I certainly did not want to come in the way.

 

However, I was worried she could have felt I wanted her only for sex and left as soon as that stopped. Therefore I thought we would gradually stop seeing each other and part as friends instead of abruptly cutting off the relation.

 

The first couple weeks were fine and we continued seeing each other. Then suddenly, she started to avoid meeting me. She messages me but is always irritable and impatient. She blew up at me many times for absolutely no reason. She said she felt sick and wanted to be alone.

 

I put it down to nausea and hormones related to pregnancy. After all, it is her first time and she is anxious and scared. Therefore I kept quiet each time she lost her cool and did not argue. I gave her a lot of space and reduced calling and meeting her.

 

Yesterday was my birthday. She called and wished me but declined to go for lunch because she was "not in the mood". I kept quiet and questioned her the next day.

 

She blew up and showered me with abuses. She said exactly what I was afraid of - that I used her for my selfish reasons and made her feel horrible. She regretted getting into an affair and had stopped loving me. She said she did not respect me anymore and I was shameless to not get the message since she was intentionally avoiding me. In fact she hates me and wants me to get lost. She also said she was in her senses and meant what she said.

 

I am in total shock. I genuinely love her and endured many sleepless nights wishing she was married to me. I have always treated her with respect and showered her with attention, flowers, and gifts. I mentored her in her career and worked endless hours in helping with her job duties.

 

It hurt most when she said she lost respect for me for not getting the message. But I kept quiet during her tantrums only because I believed she was experiencing mood swings commonly associated with pregnancy. If anything, I was thinking of her health and did not want to expose her to any sort of negativity or stress. She seems to have totally forgotten all the good things I have done for her.

 

At this point, I just feel like I should have been the one to call it off right after she got pregnant. I deeply love her and I have been crying like a little girl since she uttered those words. I wanted us to part on good terms because I felt there was a chance we may have gotten together in the future in case her marriage did not work out.

 

Now, I have to do something to restore my self-respect. I don't want to get angry and say anything nasty. I am thinking of a dignified response by writing her a letter appreciating the positive role she played during a dark phase of my life. I will tell her how much I loved her and that I hope she will miss me more than I miss her. Any thoughts or suggestions highly appreciated!

 

PS - is there a chance that despite what she says, her outburst could be related to the stress of a new pregnancy?

[despicableME]

You need to break away from her.

 

It sounds like she was either "playing you" all along, or she finally came to her senses and wants her marriage to work.

 

NO CONTACT whatsoever is recommended at this point- not even the letter you speak of.

 

Pull yourself back together, so you can care for that child of yours. She needs her father to be in the right mindset.

Edited February 25, 2012 by despicableME

[East7]

 

At the outset, she said her family and her in-laws are close and she could not break her marriage easily. She tested the waters a few times and got scared off by the response from her family. She put the onus on me to find a way out. However, there was little I could do except support her. She had to face her family herself but she did not want them to go through the complications of a divorce.

 

She was also under pressure to have a child. We agreed that she would stay back in her marriage and we would continue our relation whenever I decided to call it quits. She said she would love me forever and if I leave, she would hurt a lot more than I would because she would remain stuck in her loveless marriage whereas I would find someone else.

 

Hi scififan2008

 

unless she comes from a very patriarchal/Mormons culture, all the reasons she is giving you sound like bull*** . Ok..she has been supportive to you but that doesn't mean she wanted to have a real relationship with you. Some women have a "nurse syndrome" , they enjoy to comfort and fix other men who are unhappy and share scars. You have mutually tried to comfort each-other and that builds a lot of connection which looks like real love but in fact is just a temporary emotional fix. Once there is no need for support, all those "great feelings" disappear.

 

She also made it look like she is stuck and powerless to change anything and put all the responsibility on you. She is coward.

 

 

Last month she got pregnant with her husband. At this point, I thought of leaving her so she could focus on their baby and mend her marriage. I certainly did not want to come in the way.

 

However, I was worried she could have felt I wanted her only for sex and left as soon as that stopped. Therefore I thought we would gradually stop seeing each other and part as friends instead of abruptly cutting off the relation.

 

The first couple weeks were fine and we continued seeing each other. Then suddenly, she started to avoid meeting me. She messages me but is always irritable and impatient. She blew up at me many times for absolutely no reason. She said she felt sick and wanted to be alone.

 

Do you seriously think that a woman who doesn't love her husband and love you instead would go back and make a baby with him ? I have seen around me (oriental) women who are culturally kind of submitted to their family but when they don't want babies there is no way they accept it even under family pressure.

 

She grew uninterested and irritated with you because she doesn't need you anymore. It was probably a temporary fix. Now you are being someone who annoys her.

 

I put it down to nausea and hormones related to pregnancy. After all, it is her first time and she is anxious and scared. Therefore I kept quiet each time she lost her cool and did not argue. I gave her a lot of space and reduced calling and meeting her.

 

Yesterday was my birthday. She called and wished me but declined to go for lunch because she was "not in the mood". I kept quiet and questioned her the next day.

 

You are being humiliated. Why would you care inviting for lunch a woman who's waiting someone else's baby?

 

She blew up and showered me with abuses. She said exactly what I was afraid of - that I used her for my selfish reasons and made her feel horrible. She regretted getting into an affair and had stopped loving me. She said she did not respect me anymore and I was shameless to not get the message since she was intentionally avoiding me. In fact she hates me and wants me to get lost. She also said she was in her senses and meant what she said.

 

That is blame shifting. She is projecting into you all her guilt and blame that she should own herself.

 

I am in total shock. I genuinely love her and endured many sleepless nights wishing she was married to me. I have always treated her with respect and showered her with attention, flowers, and gifts. I mentored her in her career and worked endless hours in helping with her job duties.

 

It hurt most when she said she lost respect for me for not getting the message. But I kept quiet during her tantrums only because I believed she was experiencing mood swings commonly associated with pregnancy. If anything, I was thinking of her health and did not want to expose her to any sort of negativity or stress. She seems to have totally forgotten all the good things I have done for her.

 

At this point, I just feel like I should have been the one to call it off right after she got pregnant. I deeply love her and I have been crying like a little girl since she uttered those words. I wanted us to part on good terms because I felt there was a chance we may have gotten together in the future in case her marriage did not work out.

 

Now, I have to do something to restore my self-respect. I don't want to get angry and say anything nasty. I am thinking of a dignified response by writing her a letter appreciating the positive role she played during a dark phase of my life. I will tell her how much I loved her and that I hope she will miss me more than I miss her. Any thoughts or suggestions highly appreciated!

 

PS - is there a chance that despite what she says, her outburst could be related to the stress of a new pregnancy?

 

Ok you genuinely love this woman but she is a poison in your life ! She has made her choice. Having a baby with her H is a pondered and serious choice. You have given too much of yourself and what did you get in return ?

 

Stop daydreaming about someone who has shown you clearly her choice and where she stands. She doesn't care about you anymore. She cares about herself only.

 

Writing her a letter and pouring your heart is totally pointless as you will be rejected and humiliated one more time. Put your life back together and go total No contact with her. She was a lie, accept it and move on with your life.

[anne1707]

Sorry but this woman never had any intention or desire to end her marriage. She is the one who used you and now that she is pregnant, you are one complication too many - maybe now she is feeling guilt and that it really is a step too far to continue the affair whilst pregnant by her husband.

 

Do yourself a favour and don't give her any more attention. Don't feed her cake-eating habits. Look after yourself - become your priority.

[scififan2008]

LadyGrey and East7,

 

Thank you for your incisive observation. She is actually Asian and had an arranged marriage with her husband. They don't have much of a connection but their respective families are close and there will be social implications if her marriage were to break. That is why she gives in to their wishes.

 

To be fair, she did keep me informed about her thoughts up until a few days ago. Her raw outburst yesterday took me aback. I had no idea those emotions were brewing in her mind.

 

I will go "no contact" but I need some sort of closure. I thought of writing her the letter because if I kept quiet, it would be an admission of her unfair accusations. She can use it to hate me and will get over the breakup quickly, whereas I would be hurting for a longer time. If we have to break up, I would rather that she miss me more than I miss her.

[Lauriebell82]

My guess is that she is turning the whole thing around because she feels guilty, especially now that she is carrying her husband's child. I agree with the other posters who say you need to do no contact.

 

I know it doesn't sound like it now, but she did you a huge favor and saved you from a ton of heartache down the line. She has already told you she doesn't want to be with you/talk to you, so at least their is no pressure or temptation from her end.

[Lauriebell82]

I will go "no contact" but I need some sort of closure. I thought of writing her the letter because if I kept quiet, it would be an admission of her unfair accusations. She can use it to hate me and will get over the breakup quickly, whereas I would be hurting for a longer time. If we have to break up, I would rather that she miss me more than I miss her.

 

I disagree with this part. I don't think keeping quiet is an admission of her accusations. SHE is the one who broke her marriage vows, arranged marriage or not. Why would you rather her miss you more? Out of revenge or spite?

[scififan2008]

NO CONTACT whatsoever is recommended at this point- not even the letter you speak of.

 

How do I gain closure, though? If I went no contact without some sort of graceful retaliation, wouldn't that give her comfort that whatever she thought of me during the past 2-3 weeks was the real me? That would allow her to conveniently forget the past year that we have been together and all the good things we shared.

[Lauriebell82]

How do I gain closure, though? If I went no contact without some sort of graceful retaliation, wouldn't that give her comfort that whatever she thought of me during the past 2-3 weeks was the real me? That would allow her to conveniently forget the past year that we have been together and all the good things we shared.

 

What you shared was a lie though..it wasn't a real, loving relationship. It was a facade. Not to you, but to her. Sorry to say, but by the way she is acting, it doesn't seem as though she cares. Closure will not get her to care either.

 

My advice is use THAT as your closure. The fact that she is a liar and manipulator and you don't need someone like that in your life. You deserve better. It doesn't matter what you tell her, it's what you tell YOURSELF that will get you through it.

[whichwayisup]

Fact is, she's having her husbands baby and she's still married.

 

You yourself said you didn't want to get in the way of that, so deep down YOU know the truth of this.

 

Only way to restore your self respect, and be the man you once were is to stay away and do NC so you can heal. Let go of the pain, let yourself grieve her and what you felt for her. NC is for you not to punish her or make her want you back again to continue the A.

 

Look after yourself and focus everything you have into your 3 year old. THAT is what's important here.

 

Question? Are you and your wife divorcing or separated?

[whichwayisup]

How do I gain closure, though? If I went no contact without some sort of graceful retaliation, wouldn't that give her comfort that whatever she thought of me during the past 2-3 weeks was the real me? That would allow her to conveniently forget the past year that we have been together and all the good things we shared.

 

She's a grown woman who chose to have an affair and put her marriage (including the closeness and friendship she has with her inlaws) at risk. She has alot to lose - Nobody held a gun to her head and made her have an affair with you! Her life as she knows it, and even more so now that she's pregnant, is going to stay as it is. You have no choice but to end this.

 

If we have to break up,

 

Not if. It IS a definate, your affair has to end so she can be a mother and put her baby first, and keep her family intact.

[scififan2008]

My guess is that she is turning the whole thing around because she feels guilty, especially now that she is carrying her husband's child. I agree with the other posters who say you need to do no contact.

 

I know it doesn't sound like it now, but she did you a huge favor and saved you from a ton of heartache down the line. She has already told you she doesn't want to be with you/talk to you, so at least their is no pressure or temptation from her end.

 

I agree that she is likely feeling guilty.

 

That said, she has regularly initiated contact during this phase. She started distancing herself around 3 or 4 weeks ago. However, she messages me throughout the day. Our meetings have reduced but the messaging has not.

 

Even yesterday, after her outburst, she messaged and asked if we could meet. We met briefly and were cordial. Nothing of note was said and I am assuming she was just feeling bad for hurting me.

 

I think she avoids face-to-face meetings because she may have made up her mind to leave and is worried that seeing me in person will make it harder to stick to her decision.

[whichwayisup]

I do have to ask, is there any chance that this baby might be yours?

[scififan2008]

You yourself said you didn't want to get in the way of that, so deep down YOU know the truth of this.

 

Yes, I certainly want them to get a fair shot at being together as a family. I have no problems in stepping out of the way. I just did not want things to end bitterly. I should have walked away when she informed me about her pregnancy and am kicking myself for losing that opportunity.

 

NC is for you not to punish her or make her want you back again to continue the A.

Not punishing her or making her want me, but want to leave as gracefully as possible under the circumstances. I would hope the last meaningful conversation we had was cordial.

 

Question? Are you and your wife divorcing or separated?

We have been separated for the past year and a half and will get divorced this summer. The divorce is going to happen though. We delayed in order to get our financial matters sorted out.

[scififan2008]

I do have to ask, is there any chance that this baby might be yours?

No, we have been very careful. The baby is her husbands.

[Lauriebell82]

I agree that she is likely feeling guilty.

 

That said, she has regularly initiated contact during this phase. She started distancing herself around 3 or 4 weeks ago. However, she messages me throughout the day. Our meetings have reduced but the messaging has not.

 

Even yesterday, after her outburst, she messaged and asked if we could meet. We met briefly and were cordial. Nothing of note was said and I am assuming she was just feeling bad for hurting me.

 

I think she avoids face-to-face meetings because she may have made up her mind to leave and is worried that seeing me in person will make it harder to stick to her decision.

 

Alright, so you had a meeting and were cordial. Was it of a platonic nature or more then that? What was discussed? If it was in fact cordial, then that can be the graceful exit you are looking for. She is STILL manipulating you though, and she knows she can do it because you will be there waiting like a puppy dog. She is sending you mixed messages, so cut it off at the source and ignore her messages and do not meet up with her. I understand you don't like this advice and find it difficult because you want to take her scraps. But you shouldn't.

 

I really think you need to trick yourself into remembering the bad qualities and manipulative lying she has done. You are not innocent in any of this either, however it will be more difficult to do no contact if you keep acting like her little trained pet.

[scififan2008]

Alright, so you had a meeting and were cordial. Was it of a platonic nature or more then that? What was discussed?

 

I am ashamed to admit I was weak. I expressed my love and apologized if I had done anything to hurt her. Worst thing is, she saw tears in my eyes.

 

She did not speak much and refused a hug. That is her usual behavior when she is angry though. She typically takes a day to get back to normal. While parting she said she will talk again on Monday.

 

I was still thinking at the time that she was under the influence of hormones and thought I should adopt a conciliatory tone. I am feeling stupid that I was attributing her behavior to nausea/hormones when she was possibly consciously distancing herself.

 

Through personal experience and reading, I understand that pregnant women may sometimes act irrationally and exhibit extreme emotions due to the new and unknown situation they are facing. Therefore I thought I should "be there" for her even though she thinks she doesn't need me. If I left her when she got pregnant, I thought she would hate me for abandoning her when she needed my support and understanding. Hence I thought I should gradually pull away and part with mutual respect.

 

Did I totally misread her signals or could it really be a temporary effect due to a combination of pregnancy stress and guilt?

[Mme. Chaucer]

You totally misread her signals.

[frozensprouts]

sorry to say it, but it sounds very much like you have been used.

 

she used you the way a lot of married men /women use their affair partners...

 

she used you for an emotional uplift, for self esteem boost and also as ( an i really hate this term, but it seems to apply) her "emotional tampon" (gross, i know:sick:)...she needed a shoulder to cry on, and there you were, hurting yourself and in a very vulnerable state

 

my guess, and i could be wrong, is that now that she has worked through her issues, she doesn't need you anymore ( after all, if her ending the affair was because she wanted to work on her marriage/family, why would she sill be contacting you? she ended it because she doesn't need you now, but next time she needs a "fix", she may very well come back, all sweetness and light...but it won't be "love"...it wlll be selfishness)...she may be female, buts that's about the only difference between her and the umpteen numbers of married men you read about on this site... read the stories and you'll see what i mean

 

as for "closure"...she can't give you that...only you can do that for yourself....and what does "closure" really mean anyway in your case? better to let it go, treat it as a "lesson learned", and move on

 

(sorry if i sound harsh, but i'm in a bad mood today and kind of grouchy:laugh:)

[18Years2Late]

I'm sorry for your hurt...

 

It sounds to me like her H is getting suspicious...or the guilt she's feeling now is causing her to want to tell him...so she's getting all her ducks in a row to make it appear like the A was all your fault and even though she asked u to leave her alone you wouldn't...very malnipulatuve and selfish...

 

She her for just that...what she really is...and walk away bf her H finds out...she did u a favor...

[Lauriebell82]

I am ashamed to admit I was weak. I expressed my love and apologized if I had done anything to hurt her. Worst thing is, she saw tears in my eyes.

 

She did not speak much and refused a hug. That is her usual behavior when she is angry though. She typically takes a day to get back to normal. While parting she said she will talk again on Monday.

 

I was still thinking at the time that she was under the influence of hormones and thought I should adopt a conciliatory tone. I am feeling stupid that I was attributing her behavior to nausea/hormones when she was possibly consciously distancing herself.

 

Through personal experience and reading, I understand that pregnant women may sometimes act irrationally and exhibit extreme emotions due to the new and unknown situation they are facing. Therefore I thought I should "be there" for her even though she thinks she doesn't need me. If I left her when she got pregnant, I thought she would hate me for abandoning her when she needed my support and understanding. Hence I thought I should gradually pull away and part with mutual respect.

 

Did I totally misread her signals or could it really be a temporary effect due to a combination of pregnancy stress and guilt?

 

Her HUSBAND is the father of her child and should be the one who is supporting her through her hormonal times. I am 7 1/2 months pregnant and can atest to mood swings and crazy hormone surges. However, it seems to me like you are capitalizing on that and using it as false hope that she is just crazy from pregnancy.

 

If she wasn't pregnant and was behaving this way would you still feel the same? I think you are just grasping at straws in an effort to hold onto the affair that is no longer in existence.

[18Years2Late]

sorry to say it, but it sounds very much like you have been used.

 

she used you the way a lot of married men /women use their affair partners...

 

she used you for an emotional uplift, for self esteem boost and also as ( an i really hate this term, but it seems to apply) her "emotional tampon" (gross, i know:sick:)...she needed a shoulder to cry on, and there you were, hurting yourself and in a very vulnerable state

 

my guess, and i could be wrong, is that now that she has worked through her issues, she doesn't need you anymore ( after all, if her ending the affair was because she wanted to work on her marriage/family, why would she sill be contacting you? she ended it because she doesn't need you now, but next time she needs a "fix", she may very well come back, all sweetness and light...but it won't be "love"...it wlll be selfishness)...she may be female, buts that's about the only difference between her and the umpteen numbers of married men you read about on this site... read the stories and you'll see what i mean

 

as for "closure"...she can't give you that...only you can do that for yourself....and what does "closure" really mean anyway in your case? better to let it go, treat it as a "lesson learned", and move on

 

(sorry if i sound harsh, but i'm in a bad mood today and kind of grouchy:laugh:)

 

You're allowed to b grouchy Sprouts...it's ok...we all have our days right?...

[Emme]

I am a single dad with a 3-yr old daughter. I was going through a rough time because of the conclusion of my marriage

 

You have a lot on your plate. What you have to question is being in your situation at the time was this woman just an outlet for you cope with your grief. Sometimes people become dependent without realizing what's happening. You have to ask yourself if it was love. Were you really in love.

 

Next thing you need to do is think about your daughter. Give relationships a break. I find it odd sometimes that there are people who never spend time alone. They never use the time to be single to work on themselves or grow as a person. They are more concerned with having a partner in their life. They can't live without having a partner in their life.

 

 

She blew up and showered me with abuses. She said exactly what I was afraid of - that I used her for my selfish reasons and made her feel horrible. She regretted getting into an affair and had stopped loving me. She said she did not respect me anymore and I was shameless to not get the message since she was intentionally avoiding me. In fact she hates me and wants me to get lost. She also said she was in her senses and meant what she said.

 

You are not going to do her any favors. You are going to do yourself a favor. End all contact. End it. No need for letters either. Focus on your 3 year old. Best of luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

The baby is her husbands.

 

All the more reason to let go, grieve the loss and allow her to live life with her husband and their baby. You can't compete with that, don't even try!

 

Focus on you, your child and the upcoming transition of your divorce, make things simple and as easy as possible.. A lot of changes are happening and this is NOT going to be easy for your young daughter.

 

You can't get involved or be a friend, casual or otherwise with the exMW. Let her go...

[scififan2008]

sorry to say it, but it sounds very much like you have been used.

 

she used you the way a lot of married men /women use their affair partners...

 

she used you for an emotional uplift, for self esteem boost and also as ( an i really hate this term, but it seems to apply) her "emotional tampon" (gross, i know:sick:)...she needed a shoulder to cry on, and there you were, hurting yourself and in a very vulnerable state

 

my guess, and i could be wrong, is that now that she has worked through her issues, she doesn't need you anymore ( after all, if her ending the affair was because she wanted to work on her marriage/family, why would she sill be contacting you? she ended it because she doesn't need you now, but next time she needs a "fix", she may very well come back, all sweetness and light...but it won't be "love"...it wlll be selfishness)...she may be female, buts that's about the only difference between her and the umpteen numbers of married men you read about on this site... read the stories and you'll see what i mean

 

Thanks, frozensprouts. I mostly agree with you. I am feeling used especially because of the timing. Her behavior totally changed around 2 or 3 weeks into pregnancy. I would have been okay with breaking up, but there was no need for the ugliness.

 

A major source of discontent with her marriage was that her husband was uncaring and did not love her. It is possible that since she got pregnant, her husband has been giving her the attention she needs. Although I am pretty sure that he cares for the baby, not that much for her.