Did I misread her signals? Want to restore my self-respect...

[scififan2008]

It sounds to me like her H is getting suspicious...

You could be on to something. There was an incident in late Nov when he saw a few messages on her phone and asked questions. She deleted the messages before he read them but they had a confrontation and he checked her cellphone records. She was scared and tried to distance herself in the days following that incident. But we settled back into the routine shortly thereafter.

 

This time, things were ok until around 3 weeks back. We met on a Friday evening and everything was normal. That weekend, she went incommunicado which had never happened before. Monday morning, she had a big argument with me and she has been distant ever since. Not sure if something happened that weekend that made him suspicious.

 

or the guilt she's feeling now is causing her to want to tell him...so she's getting all her ducks in a row to make it appear like the A was all your fault and even though she asked u to leave her alone you wouldn't...

I can see why you made this point and it sure fits the pattern. However, I have records of all our messages, photos, etc. Obviously, I would never even dream of using anything against her for my personal gain, and private messages are certainly sacred. However, if she tried to absolve herself of all the blame, I could easily prove otherwise and she knows that.

[scififan2008]

Her HUSBAND is the father of her child and should be the one who is supporting her through her hormonal times.

Correct. I thought I should support her because her husband had neglected her throughout the marriage. Bad move on my part.

 

I am 7 1/2 months pregnant and can atest to mood swings and crazy hormone surges.

Congratulations! Couldn't have asked for a better perspective!

 

If she wasn't pregnant and was behaving this way would you still feel the same? I think you are just grasping at straws in an effort to hold onto the affair that is no longer in existence.

No, I would be furious and would have immediately broken up. You are correct and I am probably grasping at straws. Not necessarily to hold on to the affair but just trying to understand what went wrong. As you and several other responders said, perhaps I just outlived my use.

[18Years2Late]

You could be on to something. There was an incident in late Nov when he saw a few messages on her phone and asked questions. She deleted the messages before he read them but they had a confrontation and he checked her cellphone records. She was scared and tried to distance herself in the days following that incident. But we settled back into the routine shortly thereafter.

 

This time, things were ok until around 3 weeks back. We met on a Friday evening and everything was normal. That weekend, she went incommunicado which had never happened before. Monday morning, she had a big argument with me and she has been distant ever since. Not sure if something happened that weekend that made him suspicious.

 

 

I can see why you made this point and it sure fits the pattern. However, I have records of all our messages, photos, etc. Obviously, I would never even dream of using anything against her for my personal gain, and private messages are certainly sacred. However, if she tried to absolve herself of all the blame, I could easily prove otherwise and she knows that.

 

Ok...listen to me...I've been there...and now that you've elaborate an almost dday...I'm 100% right...

 

I could fill reams and reams and reams of paper with emails and texts...I could fill several DVD's with pics (both of us and ones of him and his kids)...I could fill a CD with voicemails...and a shipping crate later and I could include the gifts and jewelry and cards...I even have a VM of him asking me to marry him...this was after I started pulling away and he left the VM while he knew I was out at a party...and I said I wasn't bringing phone so don't expect any contact from me til tomorrow...yes all bull shyte I know that everyone bf u start posting...

 

You wouldn't BELIEVE the lies he made up about me...I've still got tire tracks on my back...he would call me in front of her and say everything she wanted him to say...then he'd call me 1st thing in the morning and tell me he didn't mean it...he'd send me emails...written by her...and then call and tell me disregard, he didn't mean an of it...he hurt me more than anyone in my life ever has...and he did all that knowing with one trip to the UPS store I could ruin his life forever...I've asked him before if he'd like a green or red bow on the package...I would never send it...it would take away my leverage...he knows he better fall over himself keeping his W in check...so that I never have a dday...and I never send the package...I have so much on him his BW would D him or kill him or both...

 

My point is that it means NOTHING that your OW knows that u have stuff u could send her H...she doesn't think you would do it...and she'll take that risk throwing u under the bus to save her own a$$...that's EXACTLY what she's doing right now...RUN FASTER...u don't want a dday...and her H is suspicious (your own words)...

 

Good Luck...take care of yourself and your daughter 1st...

Edited February 26, 2012 by 18Years2Late

[scififan2008]

You have to ask yourself if it was love. Were you really in love.

She was not just a rebound. I was, still am, in love. Same goes for her. I have seen it in her eyes. She is not one to fake emotions.

 

Next thing you need to do is think about your daughter.

My daughter is the center of my life. I made sure I did not let my relationship affect her in any way. We met mostly during office hours or right after, and I ensured my time with my daughter was not impacted. Now, at the likely conclusion of this relation, I need to be there for my daughter and cannot get depressed.

 

Give relationships a break. I find it odd sometimes that there are people who never spend time alone. They never use the time to be single to work on themselves or grow as a person. They are more concerned with having a partner in their life. They can't live without having a partner in their life.

Good point. I was married for 10 years and had dated my ex-wife for two years prior to marriage. After being in a relationship for so many years, loneliness can be a bit scary. Of course, that doesn't mean I entered into the relationship out of desperation.

[Gentlegirl2]

This woman had a little fling with you... found out she was pregnant and she now wants to get rid of you.

 

You are in danger of messing up her life. That's the way it goes in affairs. Everything is cheese and kisses until the MM/MW is put in a situation where YOU become a pain in the bum.

 

To her, that's what you have become. She is pregnant and has no further use for you. She just wants to get you off her case. NOw she has motherhood to deal with. She will have a whole new dynamic in her life. You cannot be part of it... do you understand that? It involves her husband and his family... NOT YOU.

 

Her hormones are not the reason and you are just clinging onto hope there. Her culture is no excuse. Her little playtime with you is over in a serious way.

 

Please have some dignity and stop begging for her attention. You won't get it. Go NC with her immediately.

 

I don't mean to be hard on you. I understand when you are in love with somebody who has another life and there is no place for you...

 

 

 

GG

[Lauriebell82]

A major source of discontent with her marriage was that her husband was uncaring and did not love her. It is possible that since she got pregnant, her husband has been giving her the attention she needs. Although I am pretty sure that he cares for the baby, not that much for her.

 

WS have a habit of overexaggerating or lying about BS's behavior towards them or just in general. This is mostly used in order to lure partners into the affair and gain sympathy. It's possible that she was not as miserable as she let on, especially since she did a 180 on you the minute she got pregnant. She lied to her husband repeatedly, it's very likely she lied to you as well. That's just something to think about...

[FightClub]

All the responses here are coming from extremely personal experiences and trust me, in time you will see how true they are as soon as you distance yourself from your now ex-MW.

 

In my time in Affair-land, it was mostly EA ( emotional affair ) and became a one night event, a week after we met, all the hate and disgust for the husband somehow vanished and suddenly she was right back to status quo.

 

At one point, sure, I thought all these outside factors were a contributing factor but let's face the honest truth, at the end of the day she had a choice and you have choice. She has made hers, now it is time for you to make your choice.

 

Unfortunately, her choice wasn't going to involve you any further, it hurts, I know. So now you have a chance to walk away gracefully knowing that what you had was special in the moment as a distant memory, nothing more.

 

It's hard man, very hard to break away when you feel a certain connection with someone but it's not gonna be her or else she wouldn't have decided to have a child with her husband.

 

I know it's not perfect but in the end, she didn't choose you, she chose her husband & the marriage that probably wasn't that bad to begin with, you facilitated her needs and now you are a threat to her.

 

Walk away, take care of yourself & your daughter.

 

All the best,

 

-FC

[Kitsune77]

she loves you, is conflicted, is seeing your gentleness and understanding as a lack of fighting for her. i know no one who has posted here will agree, but i have been there, and that is how I felt. Often if your with a gentle man, who truly loves you and want the best for you, we see it as weakness and that he never cared, it was just sex..blah..blah.

 

She probably wanted you to be jealous.

 

This doesnt mean she is going to leave her husband, BTW, also if it is an arranged marriage, it probably was not her hearts desire in the first place.

 

And women who come from a culture of arranged marriages, have it deeply ingrained in them to keep their parents happy. You sound exactly like my MM, and morrors somewaht a conversation I had with him today.

 

good luck, and all i can say, is keep your communications with her honest and open. its very easy to go no contact, harder to be open when you feel you may be hurt.

 

This is not a contest, this is a women you love, who loves you, and if you end up together or not is not the point. The point is to keep it honest.Even if its unpleasnat.

 

(I'll wait for the flack from the others now, on my mentioning honesty in an affair. In my experiance, an affiar often brings more honesty, the emotions are hightened, and there is a feeling that we may be lying to others, so lets keep this honest between us).

[Gentlegirl2]

YOu have been cooked like a duck dinner.

 

Nobody in this day and age gets pregnant unless they want to.

 

Sorry. This MW has taken you for some kind of ride.

 

I am so sorry but that's the way it is.

 

Get away from her NOW!

 

GG

[RickFox]

What more is there to be said. You've gotten great advice. I speak from experience when I say it does not matter that you love her or she claimed to have loved you. She didn't choose you ...her love for you doesn't matter. Give yourself closure you won't get it from her. Remember the past and move forward. You're the enemy now accept it and forge ahead.

[MissBee]

she loves you, is conflicted, is seeing your gentleness and understanding as a lack of fighting for her. i know no one who has posted here will agree, but i have been there, and that is how I felt. Often if your with a gentle man, who truly loves you and want the best for you, we see it as weakness and that he never cared, it was just sex..blah..blah.

 

She probably wanted you to be jealous.

 

This doesnt mean she is going to leave her husband, BTW, also if it is an arranged marriage, it probably was not her hearts desire in the first place.

 

And women who come from a culture of arranged marriages, have it deeply ingrained in them to keep their parents happy. You sound exactly like my MM, and morrors somewaht a conversation I had with him today.

 

good luck, and all i can say, is keep your communications with her honest and open. its very easy to go no contact, harder to be open when you feel you may be hurt.

 

This is not a contest, this is a women you love, who loves you, and if you end up together or not is not the point. The point is to keep it honest.Even if its unpleasnat.

 

(I'll wait for the flack from the others now, on my mentioning honesty in an affair. In my experiance, an affiar often brings more honesty, the emotions are hightened, and there is a feeling that we may be lying to others, so lets keep this honest between us).

 

I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a laudable quality or not....I'm not being snarky either...I'm truly not sure if you feel like this is a good quality or a delusional outlook due to the circumstances of the A.

[Kitsune77]

I think what a lot of people are overlooking here, is that this was an arranged marriage. When i worked as a councilor, I counceled many conflicted people in arranged marriages. the culteral situation is totally differant. So she is not going to deny her husband, to do so goes against everything her cukture demands, but her heart wants what it wants.....as it always does. it is not rational, if it was there would be no affairs.

 

And i agree Miss Bee, i am only coming to grips recntly that my MM is a gentle man. Not sure if its laudable or not. Some may call it conflict avoidant, I call it a senstive man, dealing with a high maintance woman (me) in a situation he did not look for, and is unsure of what to do.

 

PS, excuse the spelling, am on my Iphone.

 

I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a laudable quality or not....I'm not being snarky either...I'm truly not sure if you feel like this is a good quality or a delusional outlook due to the circumstances of the A.

[bentnotbroken]

YOu have been cooked like a duck dinner.

 

Nobody in this day and age gets pregnant unless they want to.

 

Sorry. This MW has taken you for some kind of ride.

 

I am so sorry but that's the way it is.

 

Get away from her NOW!

 

GG

 

This might be the only thing I disagree with. I was taking antibiotics and didn't realize they would render my BC pills useless. I wouldn't change that outcome for the world, but there are situations where BS are not only useless because of something that we unwitting do but sometimes the pills you buy are ineffective for a number of reasons. This past summer there was a huge recall of BC because they had issues. I dont' believe that is the case here though.

[beenburned]

Kitsune,

I question your definition of a gentle sensitive man. If he truly was, he probably wouldn't be cheating on his wife in the first place, as he would care how an affair would affect her.

 

From years of reading about infidelity, I would assume most MM are not only conflict avoiders, but also passive/aggressive. Since they don't care how the cheating affects the wife/marriage as long as they get what they want.

[beenburned]

Miss Bee,

Does the word laudable mean praiseworthy?(as in ones actions)

[Kitsune77]

to answer that question, i am wary of lumping every one into the same old patholgy, and i am speaking as a phycholigist here. it is just too damm conveiant.

 

The MM may have married young, been with his wife for 30 years , they have grown apart. In a perfect world, they would sit down , discuss it, as has been brought up here before, and largely igorned, that also means the spouse is a resonable person. just becuse you are a spouse, does not convey sianthood, or for that matter, devil hood.

 

And I find it a large stectch to paint the broad brush that the MM donsn't care how it affects the wife. he knows how it will affect her, it doesnt mean he doesnt love her, or the OW (hence no competiotion) it just means that he is too entrenched to make a change. And why should he? And also does his wife want him to? Love cannot be ruled, confined, caged. AND it does not always have to be a choise between this or that.

 

But I do not expecpt the LS people to understand this.

 

I truly belive western society has a lot to answer for.Its a lovely dream to expect the person we are with at 20, to be the person that fulfils us at 50, a even lovelier dream to imagine we can dismantle all that goes with it (a family,love of the wife, children, family, society, fincanes, work)etc to follow that dream.

 

in 200 hundred years, marriage and monogamy as we know it will be an old fashioned quaint idea, somewhat like the dark ages.

 

So hopefully honesty will rule, I will be with you becuse I want to be, not becuse I have to be.

 

LS is very , very simplicitic in its view of human nature.

 

Actually , if I had to go go by LS view of marriage, it makes me very glad I have never married.

 

 

Kitsune,

I question your definition of a gentle sensitive man. If he truly was, he probably wouldn't be cheating on his wife in the first place, as he would care how an affair would affect her.

 

From years of reading about infidelity, I would assume most MM are not only conflict avoiders, but also passive/aggressive. Since they don't care how the cheating affects the wife/marriage as long as they get what they want.

[Kitsune77]

not sure if its delusional or not, all i know, as a person who has not had an affair before, and I gather he hasnt also, that this is how I run it.

 

If it was delusional, i would probaly be playing "nice" with him more often.

 

Not sure.....as I have stated, I am in the odd position of not wanting him to leave his wife, but that also doesnt mean I dont love him. You can love someone, and also not expect a future..... I have to hide our relationship, which I dislike, so I do not want dishonesty between us, it would cheapen what i do with him.

 

Confused? yes, I know:)

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a laudable quality or not....I'm not being snarky either...I'm truly not sure if you feel like this is a good quality or a delusional outlook due to the circumstances of the A.

[bentnotbroken]

to answer that question, i am wary of lumping every one into the same old patholgy, and i am speaking as a phycholigist here. it is just too damm conveiant.

 

The MM may have married young, been with his wife for 30 years , they have grown apart. In a perfect world, they would sit down , discuss it, as has been brought up here before, and largely igorned, that also means the spouse is a resonable person. just becuse you are a spouse, does not convey sianthood, or for that matter, devil hood.

 

And I find it a large stectch to paint the broad brush that the MM donsn't care how it affects the wife. he knows how it will affect her, it doesnt mean he doesnt love her, or the OW (hence no competiotion) it just means that he is too entrenched to make a change. And why should he? And also does his wife want him to? Love cannot be ruled, confined, caged. AND it does not always have to be a choise between this or that.

 

But I do not expecpt the LS people to understand this.

 

I truly belive western society has a lot to answer for.Its a lovely dream to expect the person we are with at 20, to be the person that fulfils us at 50, a even lovelier dream to imagine we can dismantle all that goes with it (a family,love of the wife, children, family, society, fincanes, work)etc to follow that dream.

 

in 200 hundred years, marriage and monogamy as we know it will be an old fashioned quaint idea, somewhat like the dark ages.

 

So hopefully honesty will rule, I will be with you becuse I want to be, not becuse I have to be.

 

LS is very , very simplicitic in its view of human nature.

 

Actually , if I had to go go by LS view of marriage, it makes me very glad I have never married.

 

 

Your assumptions are greatly exaggerated.

[Owl]

And it's interesting that a psychologist wouldn't grasp some of the basic concepts that we see played over and over here on LS. Not to mention, not apply much of her years of training to her own situation.

[bentnotbroken]

And it's interesting that a psychologist wouldn't grasp some of the basic concepts that we see played over and over here on LS. Not to mention, not apply much of her years of training to her own situation.

 

 

My thoughts exactly.

[beenburned]

Kitsune,

You asked "does his wife want him to"?

 

If I was in a 30 year marriage, with a cheating H that had no intentions of changing his ways, Yes I would welcome a divorce!

 

Too bad he doesn't do the honest thing and give her a choice in the matter.

 

You say you've never been married. So if you were married to the H above, how would you handle it?

[nofool4u]

Advance apologies for the lengthy post. I am a single dad with a 3-yr old daughter. I was going through a rough time because of the conclusion of my marriage when I grew close to a co-worker. She supported me and discussed her own marriage woes. She felt trapped with an unloving and uncaring husband.

 

But of course she did:rolleyes:

 

 

At the outset, she said her family and her in-laws are close and she could not break her marriage easily. She tested the waters a few times and got scared off by the response from her family. She put the onus on me to find a way out. However, there was little I could do except support her. She had to face her family herself but she did not want them to go through the complications of a divorce.

 

You know what, thats just tough crap for her. She should divorce her husband, set him free from her, and deal with the fallout. Her husband shouldn't have to stay with a cheater just because she is scared of what her family will say.

 

 

She was also under pressure to have a child.

 

Which kind of blows the unloving, uncaring husband thing. Ya I know, a man might want to have a child for the sake of having a child, but I highly doubt it. If I didn't love or care about someone, then the LAST thing I would want is a child with them.

 

Methinks its a lie and excuse so you don't think badly of her. And it apparently worked.

 

 

We agreed that she would stay back in her marriage and we would continue our relation whenever I decided to call it quits.

 

Gee, how nice. He gets to be held captive with a cheater.

 

 

Last month she got pregnant with her husband. At this point, I thought of leaving her so she could focus on their baby and mend her marriage. I certainly did not want to come in the way.

 

So she doesn't want to be with her husband, he is suppose to be unloving and uncaring, yet they had sex. Again, I think her description of the reason she's cheating on him is a load of bunk.

 

 

 

The first couple weeks were fine and we continued seeing each other. Then suddenly, she started to avoid meeting me. She messages me but is always irritable and impatient. She blew up at me many times for absolutely no reason. She said she felt sick and wanted to be alone.

 

Again, I think she lied about the relationship between her and her husband.

 

And it sounds as if she is tired of the affair, its grown old for her, and she simply doesn't want it any longer. The novelty probably wore off for her.

 

 

Yesterday was my birthday. She called and wished me but declined to go for lunch because she was "not in the mood". I kept quiet and questioned her the next day.

 

She blew up and showered me with abuses. She said exactly what I was afraid of - that I used her for my selfish reasons and made her feel horrible.

 

Oh thats rich. She is cheating on her husband, and she is calling you selfish(which sorry to say, you are, but thats besides the point).

 

She is a hypocrite.

 

 

She regretted getting into an affair and had stopped loving me. She said she did not respect me anymore and I was shameless

 

Again, hypocritical of her to say, she is shameless as well.

 

 

 

to not get the message since she was intentionally avoiding me. In fact she hates me and wants me to get lost. She also said she was in her senses and meant what she said.

 

Well then, does her husband know she is a cheating tart? If not, I think its time he knows, don't you? He deserves to know what kind of a louse of a woman he is married to.

 

 

At this point, I just feel like I should have been the one to call it off right after she got pregnant. I deeply love her and I have been crying like a little girl since she uttered those words. I wanted us to part on good terms because I felt there was a chance we may have gotten together in the future in case her marriage did not work out.

 

While I might be inclined to say you got what you deserved sleeping with someone elses wife, you need not cry over a cake eater. Looks to me like she is a liar,cheat, and told you what you wanted to hear so she could have her affair with you while it was still fun. The newness wore off for her and now she wants to be with her husband, the one she lied about being uncaring and unloving so she could more easily get you in the sack(not that it would have mattered what her excuse was to you)

 

So stop crying over an obvious beyotch.

 

 

Now, I have to do something to restore my self-respect. I don't want to get angry and say anything nasty. I am thinking of a dignified response by writing her a letter appreciating the positive role she played during a dark phase of my life. I will tell her how much I loved her and that I hope she will miss me more than I miss her. Any thoughts or suggestions highly appreciated!

 

 

Yes, here is a suggestion. DON'T. Instead, rat her out to her husband.

 

What you are proposing only will make you look like a clingy, needy pushover.

 

PS - is there a chance that despite what she says, her outburst could be related to the stress of a new pregnancy?

 

Maybe a little, but not to that extreme. But if anything, its an indicator of what you would put up with in the future if you ever did wind up with her.

 

IMO, she simply got tired of being with you, same as she got tired of being with her husband, and just wanted to hop in bed with a new face.

I think she lied about her husband being unloving and uncaring, but if he was, I could understand how he would be with a sorry excuse of a woman like her.

 

You dodged a bullet, now stand up, brush yourself off, and next time find someone SINGLE!

[nofool4u]

I can see why you made this point and it sure fits the pattern. However, I have records of all our messages, photos, etc. Obviously, I would never even dream of using anything against her for my personal gain, and private messages are certainly sacred.

 

*sigh* Then just turn around and walk away, learn your lesson not to get involved with a cheating woman.

 

If you aren't going to tell her husband, especially after the way she treated you(not that I don't think people that sleep with people's spouses deserve this a little), then just move on. She will get whats coming to her sooner or later.

[findingnemo]

The MOW is from Asia, in an arranged M and now pregnant. (Hopefully by her Asian H otherwise there'll be serious problems.) Maybe she does love you. It happens with this kind of M. She could love you more than anything in the world.

 

If you love her, truly love her, LEAVE HER ALONE! You have no idea what will happen to her and her family if her community discovers that she cheated. And don't make assumptions because she lives in the West and all that.

 

You need to realize that being pregnant makes her irritable and reduces her mental filter. It's the hormones. She may be struggling psychologically with the whole "I love SciFi but can't hurt my family". Thus the hot and cold treatment...Or she isn't. Whatever the case, there's too much is at stake for her.

 

So while others have given you very good advice about leaving it alone for your own sake, let me ask you to leave it alone for hers. If you really love her, then let it go.

[Quiet Storm]

Now that she is pregnant, she is ashamed of her actions. She is carrying her husband's baby and meeting up with her lover on the side. Any self respecting mom would feel disgusted with herself.

 

You make her feel bad because you are a reminder of all that. She sees you and it reminds her of what a shnitty person she is.

 

Her perception is different. The affair used to be about love, excitement and good feelings. Now it is dirty, cheap, sneaky and wrong. She is putting things in perspective now, and has a more realistic outlook on the affair. It was not a soulmate, once in a lifetime connection (fantasy). It was an escape for her, a way for her to get her needs met without facing the issues in her marriage (reality).

 

Having a baby and becoming a mom can really change a woman. Her priorities are different. Her own personal happiness and fufillment is not the most important thing anymore. Her "nesting" instinct is kicking in, and her focus is on the baby and the environment that she is bringing the child into.

 

As for you, you are in love with another man's wife. You are in love with a woman carrying another man's child. Get out, do things with other people, fill your life with activities that you enjoy. Let her build and nurture her family.

 

In a year, when motherhood is stressful and she needs male attention, she'll probably come sniffing around again. Don't let yourself be used for attention and ego stroking. You deserve a woman that you don't have to share and is considerate of your feelings.

Edited March 22, 2012 by Quiet Storm