severe jealousy, need help

[julias589]

I have a severe jealousy problem.

It only happens when there is lots of breasts (and/or female genitalia) in movies. I used to be emotional in front of my husband when it happened. I've gotten a lower self esteem and didn't want my husband to see me nude. I'm ashamed of my body and too ashamed/modest to admit that I'm beautiful. Some days I look in the mirror and see that I'm beautiful, and other days, I see that I look different, and that I look like crap. Whenever I show emotion over those things, my husband would download porn and watch it, I suppose to punish me.

 

He always tells me "I don't like being told what to do" so there is no suggesting anything to him. I can't get feedback or help from him. He believes he's in the right and I'm in the wrong, and there's no getting through to him. He says if he downloads porn, I'll eventually get used to him seeing it and that I'll get over it. But it has not helped me - he was wrong. He doesn't understand what physical & emotional changes my body goes through when he tortures and hurts me like that - emotionally, i'm crushed, i feel suicidal, i feel worthless and physically: I shake uncontrollably, I sweat, i get the feeling that I'm going to pass out and my eyelids try to shut like i've not slept in days, I stare into space like i'm in shock, I get cold chills all over, headaches, heart pain (panic attacks), I get nauseous and have even started dry heaving/vomiting. An episode of this happened the other night and I told him I thought I was going to be sick, and he just rolled his eyes...I prayed to God that night to give me strength to get thru that night. The night still hurt like hell, (he had downloaded a porno and watched it, looking over at me every now and then, I guess to see my reaction, and how I was doing from his testing me....) I think that night he had provoked my emotions to this.

 

It all started when we were going through some stuff at a garage and he found some porno magazines and said "I should take these home and look at them". And then I just chuckled and said "bob" (He denied saying that, but I've got a witness that knows the truth) Maybe my husband forgot he said that? (but i don't think so because when we got home he mentioned again that he should get those magazines and look at them. I said "I guess I feel okay with that, and that it doesn't bother me that much. But it would be odd/weird if you kept them" and he said "I don't like being told what to do" (I wasn't telling him anything to do, I was just merely stating my feelings on him looking at those magazines...I hope he doesn't keep them. He's never masturbated to porn since we've met. So why would he keep it? He's kept porn videos from previous arguments and threatened to watch them again if my emotions got out of control again. That's why I think he likes torturing me, and I don't think it's right, but what do you think?) And even though I had apologized for my actions so much, he went and downloaded the porn movie. I think he likes to provoke my jealousy...

 

We don't have sex as much now (if he didn't download porn on purpose then I would want him more often). He has little hissy fits about un-important things like my pet getting on "his" bed (that we both sleep on). Now I have to lock my pet up for hours upon hours each day because he doesn't want my pet to get on "his" bed....(That's why we have this thing called a "washer" so you can wash the sheets, but I'd be the one doing that because he never does any house work. I can't suggest any housework to him because he'll accuse me of telling him what to do. I never demand him to clean house, I always ask ie.: "Honey, would you mind helping me clean house" "Would help me wash dishes" etc.) He wonders why we don't have sex that often, blames it all on me...

 

Truthfully, my sex drive has dropped drastically (I'm 21), stress about our income and bills have taken their toll on me, he is a turn off because of the fights we have (almost everyday), he turns me off because he always thinks he's right and i'm wrong, his childish pet peeves turn me off, and the number 1 reason i'm turned off is because he is revengeful by downloading porn to piss me off (or in his terms "help me get over jealousy of porn"). One time he even mocked me by using a smart ass voice saying "Oh I don't feel good, I don't feel like it". If I felt like having sex I did - when i didn't feel good or feel like it I said "I'm sorry babe, but I don't feel like it right now. Maybe a little bit later?" I can't believe he said that. He told me that day that I need to stop being a bitch. He says I treat him bad by not showing my naked body to him and not having sex with him as much and if we did have sex he thinks i acted like i was just eager to get it over with. Truth is, it's very hard for me to even achieve an orgasm and I feel like a failure when we get done.

 

He never tries to stimulate me with his fingers, hands, etc after he has finished his orgasm....It's like when he finishes his orgasm, we're done. And it's like if i don't orgasm before him, then my loss...

 

He says he wants to see what other people look like naked....What's up with that? So if that's true then I guess he needs to see my friends naked too....

 

The other day, he brought in some entertainment center equipment (stereos and such) and moved my stuff because he was putting his speakers and tv and stuff in a certain spot. I told him what if I didn't want my stuff moved and he said "That's just too bad" and my jaw dropped. I'm his wife and I live under the same roof he does and it would be nice if I could have some input on where things are going to be arranged and such, don't you think? That's not too much to ask for is it?

 

I know you're only hearing 1 side of this but please know that I'm being very truthful of my situation. I don't know what to do... I'm sorry my post is so long but I've so much to explain, and just don't know where to start...

 

About me, I do have a very low self esteem (sometimes I think I look good but I feel guilty for admitting it to myself and/or others), I had a great self esteem until my parents put me through drama with doctors thinking I had a weight problem when I was actually healthy. My father cheated on my mother and left us for another woman (and then another woman after that). He accused me of breaking up the family. So trust is a really big issue, followed by low self esteem followed by jealousy. My husband seems to think that I can just tell myself that I shouldn't be jealous, and that he loves me and that I'm beautiful. I could tell myself that all day, but I can't seem to make myself believe it.

 

And how can he love me, and still download porn purposely knowing it hurts me so much, and probably causing more damage than before. I've told him before that I can't help myself, I need someone else's help. He tells me I don't need a psychologist. These arguments have been ongoing for a few years and nothing has changed except that I hide my emotions better but it's very very very hard to cover up the physical changes that happen to me while i'm upset. I guess he thinks I'm faking them, but I'm not...

 

Why can't he see this is real, and this is a major problem that I can't gain control of?

[lohrewok]

Hi Julias589. Wow. Sounds like your going through a lot. I know people here can give you some good advice. Try to open your heart and mind to what people are telling you. There are many here that have gone through some of the same stuff you have and can really help.

 

 

 

First of all, the problem with the porn is normal. Many women don't like it. Their men do. Just the difference between the sexes. From your description it sounds as if you have a real problem here and counseling would help you. You childhood sounds like it is a contributing factor here and your husband sounds like he could be a bit more mature and understanding. You can get low or no-cost counseling in your area. Look in the yellow pages under mental health. There are clinics that will provide this, even if you have no insurance. Therapy does not mean your crazy. It just means you need a little help understanding what makes you tick. It provides tools to help you cope with your life. It helps, trust me. And yes, you can control your jealousy. You can even get rid of it. If you husband does not want to support you emotionally in growing as a person, then he may not be the man for you. JMO He sounds like a real jerk to me.

 

Good luck

[julias589]

I don't know if he would like me going to get counseling. I am open to it though. If I go, I'm afraid of what he'll do. I think he's opposed to me getting help because that would make our/my problem public, and he's afraid of being embarassed or doesn't want anyone to know. I have to post on here secretively, so I don't get to be on here often enough.

 

I'm trying to do some online counseling, just advice and stuff. We're having or getting ready to have a rough period of time. He downloaded some more porn because I was frustrated (about something totally different) but he thought I was mad at him, which I wasn't. So i'm in trouble again...

 

I'm just trying to hide my emotions, and maybe he'll just browse thru the 100's of porn videos and then delete them off hsi computer. He's never used them for sexual satisfaction, so I suppose it's to punish me or make the statement "Look, I can do whatever I want, even if it pisses you off"...There are things I've wanted to do but refrained from doing them since he wouldn't like it. So why can't he do the same for me, if I can control my emotions about women that are revealing breasts/etc in movies and stuff.

 

In one way, I'd like to get divorced, but I still love him, and that makes trying to decide very hard, and we're really compatible (don't know if I'll find another guy as compatible as him and I love his family/parents), and I'm afraid being single will be hard for me, emotionally and financially. I don't know if I have anywhere to go too.

I just don't know if divorcing will be good for my situation. He'll never take me back if I find I've made the wrong choice though.

[dudesomewhere]

boo!

 

You know, growing up, I've never been a fan of divorce...but I've learned that it also takes 2 to make things work, as the old cliche goes...and pardon me for it

 

Don't ever take the blame for another's actions...never ever fall for that.

 

I'm sure you love him, as you say. But I also wonder if the love is genuine. I always ask myself that in order to see the light. If you love some guy because he treats you like trash, that's fine. If you love who he was or who you thought he was than you fell in love with a lie, a facade...a front put up to draw you in and what you have now is reality. There are many people who do that to win your heart, that mask they use to win you however they can and when they do, get rid of that mask and show you the true horror that lies beneath.

 

For me, I have to look at a female emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually at eye level. I never want to look down at a woman but I have also accepted the fact that some women want to be dominated or want to be submissive. To me that's a sad fact. I don't believe anyone who's psychologically sound would ever want to be dominated. I don't think you want to be a submissive as you show objection to the objectification of women and that's good. Your situation though is one where he wishes to dominate someone who doesn't want to be defeated. You have a decision to make, and though it may be hard...I don't believe it to be wrong, not in this situation.

[Unlucky In Love]

You are in a difficult situation, but you are not alone. Alot of men disrepect themselves and their relationships by watching porn. The problem is not you, it's your husband.

 

I think you need to go to counselling now and try to work out the problems in your marriage. It sounds like you are being bogged down by the routine, work, cleaning, paying bills, etc. That is no reason for you to have to suffer through this. Have you talked to any of your close friends or your parents about it. If I was out there, I would sit your husband down and talk to him about being a REAL MAN. That is being loving to his wife, respectful towards his marriage, and respectful towards himself.

 

Unfortunately, we live in a society that teaches men to be pigs. Look at Bill Clinton's presidency, it was a disgrace. If the former president can't get his attitudes right toward women, how can the rest of society?

 

I think counselling would go a long way in saving your marriage. If not, you should start considering other options. Why should you stay with a man who won't pleasure you in bed. There are a lot of people out there who will.

 

Good luck, and let us know how it turns out. I'm praying for you!