Adult child of alcoholic parent leaves healthly relationship.

[NU42]

I recently posted this in another forum, but I think it belongs here.

 

My ex is Sloane. I have worked in the same law firm with this beautiful woman for 11 years. We've always been the best of friends, confidants, almost like husband and wife at the office. We worked together, ate together, exercised together, finished each other's sentences, ect. She is beautiful ....and smart.

 

Neither of us was married. However, she had two young children from a 9 year relationship with her longtime boyfriend, Teddy, who, in a nutshell, is a bad guy. Some women like "bad boys", but Teddy is not the so-called "bad boy" women would find attractive. He's a slob. He's an alcoholic; drug user; and a video game addict with anger issues. She'd been with this guy for 9 years; they lived together; and she supported him because he's always been unemployed.

 

2 years ago, Sloane and I brushed up against each other in the office kitchen and started to kiss passionately. Within a week or two, our relationship becamse physically and emotionally intense. She kicked Teddy out of the house and he moved into an apartment a few miles away.

 

Our relationship was very intense for a year. We had great emotional and physical chemistry. We talked about marriage and having kids. I loved her boys and would have raised them as my own. I met and became very close to her sisters and her friends.

 

As we were dating and getting closer to marriage, Teddy was drinking himself into a stupor and threatening to harm himself. Frankly, I was worried for this guy. And I knew it was bothering Sloane, not only because she told me she was feeling guilty about it, but also because she seemed to be withdrawing a bit.

 

Sloane's parents were alcoholics were alcoholics and drug users. They abandoned her and her sisters when they were teenagers. Sloane raised herself and her sisters. She also got a job at a very early age and put herself through college. Along the way, there was some abuse ...and some bad things happened.

 

Anyway, last May, just two weeks after taking me to see her grandmother to get her blessing for marriage, Sloane said she couldn't go through with it. In tears, she said she felt obligated to get back together with Teddy, in part for the kids, in part because he'd been with her for 9 years, in part because she would feel guilty if she didn't pull him out of the gutter. So she broke up with me ...in tears ....and this guy moved back into her house shortly thereafter.

 

NOTE: She is a great mother and I have no doubt that she loves her kids more than life itself.

 

Anyway, to make matters more complicated, when she ended it, she made it clear that she loves me ....and that we're soul-mates. I know, I know, I know. She may have said that to ease her guilt and/or let me down easy. She may have been full of ****, controlling, manipulating. Who knows?

 

Inside, I was devastated. However, I responded by simply letting her go. I went NO CONTACT which was very difficult because I am the managing partner of my firm and she works here. In a nutshell, I only talked to her about business, nothing personal. Intially, it was difficult. However, it eventuall became easy for me because I didn't care anymore. Don't get me wrong, I will always love her. However, I wasn't going to worry about something that obviously wasn't meant to be.

 

She is living with with this loser of a guy, but tells me that she loves me whenever she can. About 4 months ago, with a smile on my face, I told her she's wasting her time with the "love" talk and that I have moved on. NOTE: She knows I'm dating.....and she hates it. I don't want to be vain when I say this, but I'm a successful guy, a respected lawyer, I have a lot of friends and I'm said to be handsome. [i know that sounds bad because I know love doesn't necessarily have anything to do with looks]

 

Her sisters also say she questions and regrets her decision every day.

She recently said "I will always love you and still dream of being together someday. My sources, who are reliable, are telling me that she apparently had a nervous breakdown a couple of weeks ago. She suddenly missed some time from work without much of an explanation. She is getting psychotherapy.

 

My friends are guys and give the advice guys are supposed to give. "[expletive] her! She [expletive] you over! Don't give her the time of day!" That is the way I have felt for a long time. I have just refused to believed that she really loved me and/or that she still loves me because in my mind she would still be with me if her feelings were that stong. However, I was fortunate to have a great childhood because I was blessed with very nurturing parents. And none of my friends know what it is like.

 

So, as I decide how to respond her, I would like some insight from people who know.

 

1) Is it possible that guilt, pain, fear, ect., because of her childhood trauma, would cause her to go back to this guy even though she loved me?

 

2) Although I can't comprehend it, is it true that some people confuse love and pity?

 

I would love to hear from anybody and everybody......

[Crusoe]

Although I can't comprehend it, is it true that some people confuse love and pity?

 

 

Yes ................

[pie2]

1) Is it possible that guilt, pain, fear, ect., because of her childhood trauma, would cause her to go back to this guy even though she loved me?

 

Yes, of couse.

 

It seems like you are trying to rationalize her actions, and denying who she really is. Her past was super difficult, but she's an adult and is taking the path she chooses. She's broken, and her actions are purely a reflection of who she is, not your worthiness as a life partner.

 

Don't worry OP, you are absolutely loveable...you just have to find someone who is whole enough to give you the love you're ultimately searching for (IMO).

[NU42]

Thank you for the advice.

 

To some extent, you are right. I am trying to rationalize her decisions. I'm not making excuses for her. If I listen to my head and my friends, I should just blow her off. I feel like I got screwed over and should never look back.

 

But it's not that easy ......

[Indy25]

Unfortunately, I can empathize with your story having been through a similar situation myself. Has your ex been to therapy before or does she even have any interest in working on her issues? If she isn't going to work on her problems, then you should get away from her as fast as possible (trust me, I know how much this sucks). Even if she comes back to you, most likely you will end up getting hurt again down the road unless she makes some major personal changes.

 

It's hard to know what her real problems are from a short description, but if you really want to understand how traumas like this can effect women, you might want to read this book (The Wounded Woman):

 

Amazon.com: The Wounded Woman (9781570624117): Linda Schierse Leonard: Books

[carhill]

OP, while I respect and admire that you love her, a young lady from a FOO similar to yourself will likely be a healthier relationship match. Avoid the white-night syndrome.

 

I've loved a few women from such backgrounds. I can tell you my heart and mind are clearer now than they've ever been now that I'm free of the irreconcilable incompatibilities that come with that territory, as explained in your post.

 

1) Is it possible that guilt, pain, fear, ect., because of her childhood trauma, would cause her to go back to this guy even though she loved me?

 

Sure, and it's possible she did/does love you, but not in a way which is meaningful to your relationship style. You might be 'soul-mates' but she is drawn to the other man and men like him like a moth to a flame. It's part of her psyche. Your part is in her rational mind, which is not what motivates her to copulate.

 

2) Although I can't comprehend it, is it true that some people confuse love and pity?

 

Possible, especially when young. BTDT. It can be part of 'white night syndrome'. While it might sound romantic if I love her enough she'll be better and walk by my side, I may actually pity her where she is standing right now and confuse the two in the fog of infatuation. Can happen.

 

After my life experiences with such matters, I'd have no problem walking away without looking back. Your path will be your own. Life is a fair, if sometimes brutal, teacher. Good luck

[Feliciti]

You make it sound as if anyone with emotional scars are best left alone.

 

Depressing... Especially since it can pretty much fit my current relationship to the T.

 

So a horrible past should lead to a horrible future? Is all relationships which include 1 healthy person and 1 unhealthy one bound to be a relationship of pity? And if not, how are you supposed to find out?

 

Or more importantly, why is it such a bad thing to be in a relationship with someone whose past is the polar opposite of sugar and rainbows?

[carhill]

Pretty simple...it's a preference.

 

Throughout my life, I've had women find me unattractive because I lost my scalp hair at a relatively young age.

 

I find women who have had abusive and molested pasts to be unattractive, based upon some horrific excursions into that realm as the 'sugar and rainbows' guy.

 

That's it. Neither is no more or less healthy, correct or proper than the other. I've never in my entire life heard a woman apologize for finding me unattractive. Equality lives. EOS.

[Feliciti]

You sure didn't make it sound like a preference. It sounded as if you know that trying to have a relationship with someone who have been abused is pretty much doomed to be either 1-sided or stressful.

 

And your comparision is ridiculous. I'm not even sure what sort of parallels you are attempting to draw there. You are speaking of two very different and incomparable things. And apologize? I'm at a loss for words.

[carhill]

yeah, one is purely superficial and the other is elemental to emotional and relationship health.

 

Who's being 'ridiculous' now?

 

Buzz off and find something more substantive to argue. You'll get nowhere with me.

[Feliciti]

I've never in my entire life heard a woman apologize for finding me unattractive.

 

This is my issue. You make it sound as if people who have been abused wants other to say "sorry" to them. What sort of contrived misconception is this?

 

And people say sorry for not finding someone attractive...? What are you expecting? That people will come around and say sorry because their personal preference is different?

 

Sure, and it's possible she did/does love you, but not in a way which is meaningful to your relationship style.

 

This isn't refering to a personal preference. It's a "supposedly" objective claim, because you somehow believe that it is impossible for abused people to love others "in a meaningful way".

 

I certainly don't care if people avoid me for my past, nor my looks. That wouldn't surprise me at all. But you make it out as if there is no hope for a relationship for anyone by going for abused people, and that doing so anyone apparently means they suffer from the "white-knight syndrome".

 

You don't see how ridiculous that sounds?

[carhill]

Discuss the topic. Do not call other people's opinions 'ridiculous'. I'll only say it once. Next time you'll get reported.

 

I've made a choice based on a lifetime of experience. It's my choice. You make your own choices. Note that I'm not calling your choices or their impetuses 'ridiculous'.

 

Now, you have another choice, if you wish to continue to participate in this community. Consider it carefully.

 

This behavior is consistent with that I've experienced with women from abusive and molested backgrounds, including my now ex-W. I will not participate in it ever again.

[Feliciti]

I believe I am discussing the topic. And I didn't call your choices or opinions ridiculous. I'm calling your generalization and attempts are drawing non-existing parallels ridiculous, which you make no attempts at clearing up. But forget it, if you really want to "report" me instead of explaining, I'll just leave it alone.

 

 

And for the OP: Yes, it is possible that she went back to her previous guy because of those feelings. No, it isn't certain. This doesn't really have all that much to do with being abused or not: It's about preference. Even if she grew to love you, it is still possible that she prefered her ex, despite him being who he is. If she prefers that type of guy, then there really is nothing you can do about it.

 

I'm more inclined to believe that she did it becasue she still had feelings for him, and not because of any sort of pity, guilt or whatever. It could easily be the choice itself that was too rough on her - That she loved both of you, but had to choose, and instead of putting herself in front, choose to help the one who needed it the most - Her ex.

 

That may be a mistake on her part, but you seem to be doing fine, so she at least did something right. She's probably suffering from very conflicting emotions, most likely wanting to choose you, but instead deciding to take the "morally correct" choice, and instead help this "loser of a guy".